Rather than occupying my time laying in bed obsessing over my thoughts of what had just transpired with Seungcheol and Wonwoo, I instead went straight for my laptop after coming home to my empty, cold apartment. It was strange walking through the small space of the living area and kitchenette; I'd been so accustomed to the aroma of cookies baking and the sound of my former roommate's bubbly voice echoing through the air, greeting me emphatically regardless of my mood or demeanor. But this time, upon arriving home to what was possibly the worst day of my life - and yes, it far surpassed my embarrassing split with Jisoo over a month ago - I came back to darkness. I dumped my keys and coat unceremoniously onto the rickety table, flipping on the light switch to cast a light glow over my bleak surroundings. Glancing around at the pathetically furnished living room, I sighed softly. I was alone.
It didn't help that I proceeded to frantically search through endless pages of information regarding Seungcheol and Wonwoo and their not-so-mediocre band. I felt a wave of sickness wash through me as I found that the name "Choi Seungcheol" had nearly seven billion results in a millisecond. This was real - he was the real deal, I soon realized. As I scrolled through seemingly never-ending images of Seungcheol and his brother, I found myself smiling sadly as photos of a much younger jackass met my tired gaze. That ugly piercing was gone, and instead his small ears were pointed out, his hair was long and almost covered his eyes. He had a smile so big that it showed off his gums. Those same full, soft lips turned into a mouth that had spewed hatred at me and had snarled at me and had fucking kissed me. I willed myself to shake the memory of Seungcheol's mouth parting against mine roughly, of his tongue darting out to stroke against mine with every movement. I shuddered. I loved him so much...
And then there was Wonwoo. I laughed out loud a few times at the sight of Wonwoo, because while he looked so young and had the same sweet smile decorating his lips, his appearance had drastically changed since. His black hair stood out the most, looking like he went through an emo phase and while any other human would look a hot mess, Wonwoo's was immaculate. He was still just as slender, and wore simple jeans paired with vibrant tee's and multiple heavy-looking necklaces. His makeup was applied perfectly, dark and dramatic and it was so him. They both looked so young and innocent, and I realized as I flipped through page after page of facts and concert photos and news bits that I must have been the most God-damned oblivious dumbass on this planet. How the hell could I not realize that the man I was cleaning for and bringing food to was a superstar and that his brother, with whom I'd become so close with, was a singer for an internationally sensational band?
I felt like a complete fool as I clicked through YouTube segments showcasing some of their live performances as tears tickled the ducts of my eyes. I felt like a weepy, unstable little crybaby as I felt a sudden surge of emotion overcome me. Their music wasn't my scene, that was for sure, but the way they performed and sang and brought an audience of thousands to their mercy was incredible. The way Seungcheol's long fingers - the fingers I'd held and had gripping my arm - moved with agility up and down the strings of his guitar - was indescribable.
I forced myself to click out of the pages and stood up, dragging my feet to my bed and sluggishly dropping into the warmth of my blankets and pillows. Pressing my flushed face into the bed, I sighed shakily. I knew for sure now that Wonwoo and Seungcheol had both been keeping that secret from me, there was no chance to rely on denial any longer. What hurt more, though, was seeing Seungcheol's handsome features and his musical ability and knowing that he'd lied not only about his status in the music industry, but about that fucking ridiculous car. How could he do that to me? I shook my head roughly, inwardly begging myself to remove any thoughts of him from my brain, but this only made the images of Seungcheol's face flood faster through my mind. His youthful countenance, that typical arrogant smirk tugging at his mouth - all of it was too much. I was hopelessly, desperately in love with him. I would do anything to go back in time and not meet him - he'd crushed me beyond repair.
Sleep did not come easy.
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When I awoke a few hours later, the sound of someone - or something - shuffling around my bedroom met my ears. Still groggy from sleep, I remained still under my blankets, a brief feeling of panic jolting me. I swallowed hard, listening closer, and heard the assumed person pull my computer chair out and sit. My jaw clenched, and I held my breath, waiting with fear for any further indication of if I was crazy and hearing something or if a person was actually in my room with me. I heard a hoarse cough.
Oh, God. Had someone broken in?
Afraid to move, I finally heard a verbal noise from the intruder - a deep laugh combined with a heavy sigh. The person spoke.
"Jeonghan, you can stop pretending you're dead."
I exhaled shakily, relief filling me as I recognized the voice. Rolling over slowly, I rubbed at my eyes and glanced over at my desk where he was sitting, his back to me and his fingers clicking rapidly on my mouse through my computer.
"You scared me, Jihoon," I murmured through a yawn. "And what're you doing on my computer?"
"Nevermind that," he replied, still scrolling through webpages that I couldn't identify due to my still-slightly blurred vision. "The better question is what would you do if someone had broken in? It's good to know you'd lay there like an idiot and wait to be murdered, I mean really, Jeonghan?"
I yawned, sitting up and pushing the blanket to my waist as I narrowed my eyes at my best friend. "How did you get in here, anyway? You better not have broken the lock or anything - "
"Oh, shush," he waved me off with a hand. "Not like that shitty lock would be so hard to crack to begin with... but the door was actually open, you moron." He turned to glance at me, eyeing me with disapproval. "What am I going to do with you? You have the common sense of a brick wall."
"Shut up," I mumbled, leaning forward to get a better look at what he was so intrigued with on my computer. My eyes widened slightly upon the realization that he'd gone through my history of pages about Seungcheol and Wonwoo I'd spend hours looking through last night. "What are you - "
"What am I doing? What are you doing, Jeonghan? You have almost two hundred pages about this douchebag - " he paused, clicking to a particular site. Clearing his throat, he read aloud the printed words on the screen. "Twenty facts you didn't know about Choi Seungcheol. Number one... he has around seventy different ear piercings. Two... is the oldest of the family. Three... favorite singer growing up was Samy Deluxe - whoever the hell that is... ummm... number four..."
I attempted to drone Jihoon's voice out as he continued to ridicule me unmercifully. Rubbing my eyes roughly, I inhaled and exhaled deeply, on the verge of exploding with how irritating Jihoon was being just tossing all of my embarrassing findings into my face. Yet, he continued.
"...Six... he hates loose clothes - "
"Just stop already!" I finally burst out, glaring daggers at my best friend. His eyes widened for a moment before he rolled them, and he spun around in my chair to face me.
"Well number six is something you already know, I'd hope. Just look at the guy - "
"Jihoon," I groaned, pressing my face into my open palms and shaking my head. "Just stop, I get it. I don't want to hear anymore."
"Fine, but you do realize I'm doing this out of love for you, right?" He pressed. A moment later I felt his hand on top of my leg, caressing it gently with compassion. "I mean, what you're doing can't be healthy, boy."
I looked up then, tears threatening to form in my eyes once again, and inhaled sharply. "You think I don't know that? You think I want to obsess over him like this and learn about his secret life through the internet? No - but he couldn't even tell me the goddamn truth - he lied to my face, Jihoon. "
"I can kind of understand why, I mean he wanted to stay low-profile - "
"I don't care," I interrupted, letting my body fall back into the blankets beneath me. Staring up at the ceiling, I swallowed thickly against the dry bulge in my throat. "That wasn't all he lied about."
Short silence.
"What do you mean?"
Closing my eyes tightly, the image of that damn car receipt and the inky blocked lettering scrawled across it was forever burned into my memories. I could never forgive him.
"Seungcheol wrote up that ridiculous contract under the conditions that I'd damaged his car," I began, my words slow and cautious as I attempted to maintain composure. "He told me from the beginning the the repair would cost around three thousand bucks."
Jihoon let out a low whistle. "Must have been a pretty swanky car."
"The dent was smaller than the tip of my fingernail," I continued. "I found a receipt yesterday, after confronting his brother - " I paused, breathing in steadily. "It wasn't three thousand dollars.
"Was it two thousand, then?"
"Not even close."
"Eight-hundred?"
"Lower."
"Oh jeez, umm... four hundred?"
"...Lower."
"Jeonghan, you have to be shitting me, this is getting low - "
"Keep guessing, Jihoon."
"Two...two-hundred?"
"Seventy-five."
"...Please tell me you're joking. Seventy-five dollars?"
I opened my eyes, peering at him with a malicious gaze. "No, Jihoon, seventy-five oranges - what the hell do you think? Yes, dollars."
His eyes were wide then, his mouth slack, and he stared at me wordlessly for a moment. "I-I don't know what to say."
"How do you think I feel?" I spoke, licking at my chapped lower lip. "He completely screwed me in every way possible. I've never felt so humiliated in my life."
"I hope you told him off, though," Jihoon replied, crossing his arms firmly across his chest. "Because there's no excuse not to."
"Yeah," I said through a broken, dry laugh. "Yeah, I told him off."
"Did he respond? I mean, like - did he care?"
I shrugged. "I'm pretty sure he was crying when I was leaving, I think I heard it before I slammed the door shut."
"Crying?" Jihoon repeated incredulously. "No fucking way. Jeonghan!"
I glanced at him, furrowing my eyebrows in slight confusion. "What?"
Jihoon leaned forward, eyes still wide and soft and his facial features nowhere near as hard and judgmental as they usually were. "Jeonghan, listen to me carefully, okay? A guy doesn't just cry for no reason. It better be a big fucking reason for any guy I know to shed a tear... and he especially won't cry over a guy."
"What's your point?"
"My point is that this guy may have been the biggest prick alive in the sense that he lied to you and kind of verbally abused you on a regular basis ... but Jeonghan, he cried over you." Leaning forward, Jihoon rubbed slow, soft circles into my lower leg through the blanket with the pad of this thumb. "He cares about you."
I felt tears well in my eyes after Jihoon's words rang out in a soft echo within the small confines of my bedroom. They certainly had an impact on me as my mind absorbed each little detail of them. I knew Seungcheol must have cared for me to some extent, but I always convinced myself it was purely sexual and reliant on lust alone. Hearing my best friend affirm what I'd longed for and feared all at once was so emotionally debilitating that the tears that had formed in the corners of my eyes soon began to roll their wet, hot trails down my face.
"Oh, Jeonghan - " He stood quickly at the sound of a tiny sob breaking from my throat and sat down beside me, his entire hand coming to grasp gently at my arm. "I didn't mean to make you cry - Jeonghan, please don't cry."
"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't be crying.. I shouldn't feel the w-way I do about h-him," I sniffled, dabbing at the wetness on my face with the hem of my sleeve. "I love him, Jihoon."
It was his turn to sigh then, the pressure of his fingers on my arm increasing. "I know you do."
We were quiet for what seemed to be eternity. I was sniffling against further tears every once in awhile and Jihoon was sitting patiently with me, stroking my arm in an effort to provide support as my best friend. After the seemingly everlasting minutes that progressed, he stood up slowly and walked to my desk, hunching over and clicking on the mouse.
"I'm going to turn this bad boy off," he explained over his shoulder to me, and I saw window-after-window of webpages slowly begin to disappear. "It's not helpful to look - whoa, what's this?"
I peered up at him, still rubbing at the soft skin under my eyes. "What?"
He was quiet for a moment, his eyes flitting over the page opened, his mouth moving silently to form words. He glanced over at me. "Is this from the internship agency?"
"What? Oh... yeah," I nodded, squinting at the bright screen. "They sent me an email and offered me a position at a small university newspaper in - "
"Los Angeles?!" His response was practically a scream, and as he jumped up and back away from the screen, eyes wide, his hands came up to his mouth. "Fucking Los Angeles - oh my, oh my god, I might faint..."
It felt nice to smile again, and when I did, a pleasant warmth spread through me and helped deteriorate some of the bitterness and achy discomfort that had consumed me for the past day.
"You sound more excited about this than I do," I teased.
He turned around sharply, hands still over his mouth and eyes still crazily erratic as he was practically bouncing from one foot to the other. "Of course I'm excited!" he exclaimed in a slur of muffled words behind his palms. He let his hands drop to his side, his mouth gaping open slightly. "My gay best friend is going to be living in L.A! Meaning his best friend in the whole world who just happens to be gay as well will be obliged to visit him and take advantage of the shopping opportunities and the gorgeous men - "
"I don't even know if I'm taking it for sure yet."
His eyes widened further and a look of horror replaced the one of excitement over his face. He let out an exaggerated, rather unpleasant gasping sound and shook his head quickly. "Not taking it, are you on drugs, son? Why the hell wouldn't you take advantage of the chance to live in Los - "
"Fucking Angeles," I finished for him with a playful smile, laughing slightly. "I was offered to intern either there or in Mount Horeb."
Jihoon made a face. "Mount what?"
"Horeb."
"Where the fuck's that?"
I grinned. "Wisconsin."
"Oh, that's great," he sneered, throwing his hands up in the air. "You're willing to throw away an opportunity to live in California so you can what, roll around the grass with some cows? Eat cheese curds? Run around in overalls and cowboy boots?" He wrinkled his nose, pressing his hand to his mouth. Closing his eyes, he let his hand drop. "Oh, God. I absolutely do not, I repeat, do not look good in cowboy boots."
"I'm pretty sure they don't wear cowboy boots in Wisconsin, Jihoon, but nice try - "
"Oh, whatever! I will kill you if you choose some ho-dunk little hick town over the glamour and glitz of the west coast, I swear I will - "
As he continued ranting, I was able to break my attention from him as my phone made a small ding on the small table beside my bed. Frowning, I reached over and picked it up, glancing at the front screen. My heart almost dropped.
"Jeonghan, are you even listening to me - " he paused, stepping forward. "Oh, God - is that him? Did he text you?"
I just stared at my phone, nodding quietly.He reached for it and successfully wrenched it from my fingers after my reflexes failed me. Narrowing his eyes down at the screen, he opened his mouth.
"Meet me at our spot tonight. Six PM." He looked up at me, confusion written over his soft visage. "Where the hell is "our place"? I thought you two only spent time at his apartment."
I swallowed hard, my hand resting atop my thigh and trembling. "I assume it's the back alley that I damaged his car."
"Are you going to go?"
I sighed, chewing my lower lip gently. "I don't know."
"I think you should," he pressed in a quiet voice. "Especially if you're leaving New York, you should at least give him some closure."
"I'm scared," I admitted softly, looking down at my lap. "I don't know what I'll say to him."
"Well that's easy," Jihoon smiled, crouching down to look me in the eye. "Tell him the truth."
If only it were to be that easy.
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I arrived at "our spot" shortly after six, after an hour of practically becoming sick at the prospect of seeing Seungcheol again. But Jihoon had convinced me, assuring me that if I didn't I'd regret it later on in life, and part of me deep down knew that there was some validity to that. I considered getting dressed up somewhat, and almost put on a blazer with a white dress shirt - I almost even brushed out my hair and added some cologne - but I decided that arriving with an appearance that wasn't me would make me just as much of a liar as he. So instead, I opted to wear the usual - a pair of jeans with shabby gym shoes, a simple tee-shirt zipped under a hoodie and winter jacket. My hair was down tonight, however, brushed after a shower and left to air dry. It dried in its natural state, with slight waves, and wasn't all that hideous. I wore only a pair of gloves with a scarf. I didn't look as homeless (as Seungcheol had so affectionately pointed out in the past) as I usually appeared, and I looked almost - just almost nice.
But when I walked through the frigid cold back to the small, empty lot and saw his figure standing in the same position as when I'd met him over a month ago, I felt suddenly self-conscious about my outward appearance. He was leaning against the back of his car, the streetlight above casting a soft glow over him as he smoked languidly on a cigarette. When he saw me, his head jerked in my direction and he quickly pulled the cigarette from his lips. I was physically shaking - and I mean shaking in a near-violent manner as I neared him, and I was terrified that my heart would explode within my chest at any given moment. But I tried to appear calm, casting him a tight-lipped, probably awkward smile.
"You came," he spoke up quietly, his voice low and laced with uncertainty. "I didn't know if you would."
"I didn't know if I would either," I admitted with a shrug, shoving my hands into my pockets and avoiding his brown gaze. Shifting from one foot to the other, I sighed heavily. "But here I am." I paused, laughing to myself. "Looking like shit, per usual."
I expected him to throw back a smartass remark agreeing with my statement, pointing out my obvious flaws and mocking me with an unmerciful fury - but he didn't, and instead I felt my heart skip when his response echoed softly between us.
"You look beautiful."
Regardless of the fact that his voice sounded sincere and void of any sort of sarcasm, I still refused to believe that he'd utter such sweet words to me. Shaking my head, I let out another dry laugh. "Don't be an ass, especially not now, Seungcheol."
"You look beautiful," he repeated, stepping forward and never once breaking our eye contact. "You always look beautiful."
My mouth parted on its own accord, my heart hammering erratically and my fingers clenched into fists in the confines of my pockets. We stood there, in the cold and dimly-lit back parking lot just staring at one another, and it was without a doubt one of the most intimate, frightening experiences of my life. He looked so handsome, as he always did, with his deep gray wool coat and dark pants. His piercing gleamed familiarly under the light, and I felt a wave of sickness wash through me as he licked his lips quickly.
"Jeonghan," his deep voice broke my fixed gaze on his lips and I jerked my head up to meet his eyes. They were so soft and held an almost pleadingly-sad look to them, and I wanted to do nothing more than run. Or kiss him. Or both. He shook his head at me slowly, his eyes reflecting something reminiscent of pain. "I know you are angry with me, but I - I didn't... I didn't tell you for a reason."
I stared at him expectantly, and when I didn't offer a verbal response, he sighed, looking away for a quick moment before locking his gaze back on mine.
"I didn't tell you about the band because I didn't want you to treat me any diff- "
"I would have treated you differently," I said evenly, staring him directly in the eye. "I would have treated you with more respect because you would've been honest with me."
His gaze dropped, the corners of his mouth downturning an obvious frown. He continued shaking his head, and I saw his adam's apple within his throat bob up and down with a swallow. "I didn't know that."
"And what about your beloved car?" I spoke up, my voice louder and containing a bite. "Why would you throw out some astronomically high number at me - knowing damn well that it was a complete lie?"
He was quiet for a moment, staring down at the tops of his shoes.
I shook my head, narrowing my eyes at him as anger began to swell deep within me. "And why did you make me wash your clothes? Bring you food, touch your fucking sheets? Why would you make me sit with you on your balcony that night and talk, Seungcheol?"
"I wanted you around me," he said softly, not meeting my gaze.
I felt my lips part, bewilderment practically consuming me as I felt his words sink in. Swallowing hard, I cleared my throat gently. "You what?"
He looked up at me then, his eyes glimmering with sadness and his mouth still tugged in a subtle frown. "That first night we met - " he paused, nodding one way and then the other. " - Right here... the way you talked to me was... it was so weird and unexpected from the way I'm used to being talked to. You interested me. And I've never felt like that in a long time."
"I interested you?" I let out a harsh laugh. "I swore at you, if you recall. Do you usually want to spend more time with people that cuss at you and insult you in the back of a creepy parking lot?"
"It's not easy to explain."
I scoffed, rolling my eyes. "Clearly."
His eyes locked on mine, giving me one long look before shrugged and took a drag from his cigarette. And to my astonishment, rather than blowing out the toxic smoke into my face, he turned his head almost completely around his shoulder and blew in the opposite direction. He purposely kept his smoke, which he knew I hated, away from my face.
"It was my original plan to just see what you were like for a day," he continued, tapping some ash off to the tip of his cigarette with his finger. "And then I would have told you it was just a joke and moved on." He lifted the fag to his lips, taking another shorter inhale from it and then again exhaling over his shoulder. "But there was something about you. I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy."
"You are crazy," I nodded slowly, feeling that recognizable tightness begin to spread into my chest cavity. "You're nuts, Seungcheol. You could have just talked to me like a normal person - "
"No, I couldn't have," he interrupted, turning his head to look directly into my face. "You and I, we are not like other people. You know this. We argue, we insult one another. We fight and say things we don't mean and - "
"And lie?"
"Jeonghan, I'm sorry," His eyes fluttered closed, jaw clenching. "I'm sorry..."
"Do you know how many times you crushed me, Seungcheol? First when you slept with my roommate- "
"I slept with him to make you jealous."
" - And then when you outwardly lied to me... you made me feel... you made me feel things, Seungcheol. Things I haven't felt for any other guy... and then I find out it was all built on something that wasn't real."
"Wasn't real?" he repeated, stepping forward. "You think because of the shit that's happened that it wasn't real? That we weren't?"
"It obviously wasn't," I spoke quietly, my eyes closing. "If it was I wouldn't feel so - "
I wasn't able to finish my sentence because a soft, wet warmth swallowed my words, and I was soon aware that it was Seungcheol's plush mouth pressing against mine that had cut off my words. His lips moved gently against mine, parting softly as his tongue darted out and teased the edge of my lower lip. I felt as if I'd collapse, and for a moment I began to move my mouth against his and returned the kiss, our lips meshing together in a soft, sweet, perfect rhythm that made me lightheaded. And when his arms snaked around me, bringing me forward and pressing into the solidness of his body, my mind finally re-attached to my body and screamed to stop him, that this couldn't happen and wouldn't happen.
I pushed him away gently, breaking my lips from his and opening my eyes to see his still closed and his mouth parted and a light pink color and slightly swollen. I cleared my throat, shaking my head. "No," I whispered. "I can't. I'm sorry, I just can't do this."
"Why?" he replied sharply, eyes opening and narrowing at me. "Why can't you do this? Is it because you're afraid?" He reached out, grabbing my hand and bringing it to his chest, pressing it there with both of his own. "Do you feel that? Do you feel my heart? No girl or boy has ever made it this fast. You're different, Jeonghan." He swallowed hard, staring me directly in the eye. "You make me happy."
"Seungcheol, I - "
"We have something," he murmured. "Can't you feel it? When I kiss you, when I'm just fucking standing with you? You can't feel this?"
"I can, but - "
"But what?"
His voice leaked absolute desperation and I had to will myself to keep it together. I never thought I'd see the day that Mr. Arrogant, the same person that lied and made me do their chores and insulted me, would be suggesting a relationship and pointing out the chemistry that obviously has always charged between us. But it was more complicated than that, and I knew I'd have to inform him of this.
"It could never work," I shook my head. "I'm too different from you, we're both too different from each other."
"Why?" he snapped angrily, dropping my hand and crossing his arms. "Because I play the fucking guitar in a band? And because I have money?"
"It's more than that - "
"What else, then? Tell me, I'm fucking dying to know why you refuse to be with me, why you - "
"Because you lied, Seungcheol!" I practically yelled, my anger finally bubbling over. "I know you apologized and I know you probably thought I was an overreactive dick last night, but when it comes down to it, you treated me like complete shit!"
My words echoed for several moments between us, and a look of astonishment crossed his handsome features. He was quiet for a moment, and then looked down at the pavement beneath our feet once more.
"I didn't know how to react to you," he spoke quietly. "I...I've never felt something like this for a boy... and you - you just... I couldn't... I didn't know how I should behave."
"You didn't know how you should have behaved," I echoed, nodding with a scowl undoubtedly on my face. "Okay, that makes sense. You don't know how to treat someone so instead you call them every name in the book and make them scrub your toilet. Oh, okay."
His head jerked up, his eyes much harder and indicative of anger. "You weren't exactly perfect to me either, so don't pull that shit."
"I was only mean to you when you started it."
"That's complete bullshit."
"Yeah, I agree. It is complete bullshit that you treated me like that, yeah. I know."
"You know what I mean," he seethed, stepping forward. "Stop playing these fucking games, Jeonghan. It's gotten old real fast."
I stepped closer to him, challenging him with another heavy glare. "I stop the games when you own up to being an asshole."
"Fuck you."
"Go to hell."
We stopped for a moment, staring at one another for what seemed to be a minute. I don't know which of us broke first - but a smile soon spread to both of our faces and laughter soon escaped our mouths, gliding together in a perfect harmony. We laughed together before stepping forward and engulfing one another in a hug. As I rested my head against his chest, my arms wrapped tightly around his neck and his around my waist, I felt nothing more perfect in my entire life. The scent of him - his cigarettes and expensive cologne - was almost overwhelmingly amazing, and just the sound of his heart beating a bit quicker than usual and his soft, steady breathing was enough to bring warmth to me.
"I still hate you," I said quietly against his chest with a smile. Breaking away from him, I peered up into his face. "And while I'll forgive you someday, it's not going to be now - and I'll never forget what you did."
He stared at me for a long, hard moment, and I suddenly felt unease. Smiling nervously, I poked him in the chest lightly. "This is where you say I hate you more, Jeonghan."
He inhaled slowly, lips parting.
"I love you."
I felt a jolt through me - I can't explain it, but it felt something like a charge to my heart. My throat went immediately dry and my stomach churned, because in that moment I was sure I was in an altered reality. Was I dreaming? Was this even happening?
"W-what?"
He swallowed hard, letting a shaky exhale escape him. "I love you, Jeonghan."
Oh my God
"Seungcheol - "
"I don't expect you to say it back," he murmured softly. "I've been an asshole to you and you haven't deserved it. I just thought you should know how I feel."
A heavy silence settled between us, and I slowly unwound my arms from him, stepping back and hugging myself tightly. I didn't know what to do. Should I tell him? I almost felt as if it would've been a bad idea - that proclaiming the incredible love and affection I felt for this man would dig me into a deeper hole of emotional instability. Instead, I looked up, and when I felt a cold, soft dripping on my cheek and saw the accompanying white dots floating beautifully through the air, I smiled sadly.
"The first snow," I observed quietly, closing my eyes and tipping my head back further to allow the flakes to tickle more of my cheeks. After a long moment, I let my eyes open and looked at Seungcheol, who had this awful expression of agony and devastation across his face.
"Seungcheol," I spoke up carefully, staring at him directly. "The last month has been the worst - and best time of my life. Meeting you has changed everything - " I paused when I saw a look of hope reflect from his brown eyes, and then I let out a sigh. "I'm moving away next summer. Far away. For an internship."
His mouth opened slightly. "Oh."
"And I'm sure you'll be touring or - or whatever it is your band does. It just... it can't work."
He didn't speak, but instead reached into his pocket and pulled out something that flashed out of the corner of my eye. When I looked, I felt a pang of sickness settle within me. It was the watch - the white gold watch with diamonds embedded in it - that he'd given me for our "anniversary" of the contract. I'd ripped it off my wrist and dumped it on the floor right before slamming their door shut after the blow-out we'd all experienced. He swallowed hard and extended it to me, avoiding my gaze.
"I know you meant to leave it at our place but - I hope you'll accept this."
I sighed. "I don't know if that's a good idea - "
"Jeonghan, please."
His voice oozed with desperation and I ultimately caved, reaching my fingers out tentatively to reaccept his beautiful gift. "Thank you, Seungcheol."
He took the watch, which rested in the palms of my hands, and then gently turned my wrist over, draping it over the circumference of my joint and then clasping it with ease. Leaning towards me, he pressed his cheek into mine, inhaling shakily. "You're the best thing that has ever happened to me."
I had to break away then, had to get away before I'd start crying again. I nodded, my cheek gently rubbing against the subtle stubble on his face and my eyes beginning to form hot tears, and then broke away from him. Clutching my wrist firmly, I smiled at him.
"I guess I'll see you, then."
My heart sank as I spoke those words and his must have too, because the wetness in his eyes was all too obvious. I sniffled once, turning away quickly, my mind screaming at me to get away fast before you do something stupid. And I turned to walk away, leaving him standing alone under the streetlight. I continued clutching at my wrist, telling myself over and over and over again to not cry and to not turn around and run into his arms like a cheesy chick flick. Because this was real life, not some shitty romantic comedy. This was reality and the reality was that Seungcheol and I could not and would not work out. As I walked, the alley disappearing behind me, I had to keep my head forward so I wouldn't look back and be tempted to rethink my decision. I would be in Los Angeles. Seungcheol would be somewhere - anywhere, maybe. As his words, so soft and broken and vulnerable came into my mind, I smiled sadly and let my lips part in a near-whisper.
"I love you, too."
And I walked.
FIN