Avi.
He was all she could think about, all she could dream about like he was some sort of disease. Kirstie tried, to get him out of her head, she really did but he had infected her to the core and she was not quite sure what to do about that. He was strictly off limits, she was not allowed to touch, not allowed to kiss, yet she still somehow managed to break those rules.
It had only happened once since the that one time. They had arrived into Minneapolis the night before and the band along with the rest of the crew were helping to transfer what they needed to the venue before they headed off to their hotel for the night. Somehow the two of them were left on the bus all alone. Somehow the thought of their current situation managed to make both of them blush. Somehow they found themselves gravitating towards each other and moving towards a more secluded part of the vehicle. Somehow her lips found his in the dim lighting and he returned it wholeheartedly.
It was wonderful. Utter bliss. Everything she had felt in their previous kiss returned, confirming that the wonder of the two's lips together was not due to alcohol. She had only a moment to savour the feeling before the bass would recover his senses and guiltily retreat away from her and she concentrated on every second of it, relishing the moment before it passed.
Then just as suddenly as the two came together, they fell apart once more both feeling ashamed of their seconds of weakness. As much as she needed him, craved him, she was still with another man, a man she was certain she was in love with.
Giving herself a once over in her dressing room mirror, Kirstie smiled at the thought of the night before. It had been great. All the flustered glances and exchanges between the two that day had been worth it, it meant that it had actually happened, it was real and they were both feeling the aftershock of what they had done. Her thoughts were interrupted from a knock at her door and shamelessly she hoped it would be the man she was thinking about.
"Hey," Kirstie turned around smiling, immediately recognising Esther's face poking through the doorframe. She assumed she was there to relay an admin message to her, perhaps a changed departure time or a faulty light, but the reserved look upon her face told Kirstie otherwise.
Clearing her throat, Esther stepped into the room, closing the door firmly behind her before opening her mouth to nervously speak. Esther never had been good with personal confrontation, she could argue with as many business people as was humanly possible without her emotions wavering but the moment the subject of her inquiries became personal, she turned into a mess.
"What are you doing with my brother?" She firmly stated, clearly she had rehearsed the question.
For a slight second, Kirstie allowed her mind to panic, taking in the awkwardness of the situation. Kirstie had expected Esther's questions to come, she had been watching the two of them like a hawk for the last week and knew perhaps more than anyone that something was between the two singers. Part of her wanted to tell her everything, she was desperate to tell someone other than Avi about what was going on between them but she was his sister - his older, over-protective sister - and that would only end in disaster. When the intense moment of worry concluded, Kirstie's brain stepped into overtime as she begun to think of an answer.
"Nothing...what do you mean?" She pulled out from the back of her mind the hours of drama classes she had taken to force out her answer, hoping to God that she passed as clueless to the manager.
Esther sighed and pushed back until she was leaning against the door to the dressing room, trying to find support on whatever she could. She was nervous, she wanted to leave the room quickly and forget that the conversation never almost happened but then she remembered her brother - she was doing this for him. "Come on Kirstie, something's going on. You like never talked and now you're back acting like you were when everyone thought you two were getting it on...If I'm not mistaken, I would even go as far as to say the two of you were having an affair."
Every touch, every look, every whispered conversation at the side of a room Esther had seen. She knew it all, much more than she was expecting and was prepared for. Kirstie was a deer in the headlights, staring widely at Esther and frozen in shock. It was clear to the manager that she had struck a nerve, thus confirming to her that her suspicions were correct.
"Look, forget I said anything. Just don't break his heart." Not wishing to continue the odd conversation any longer than she needed, Esther hastily made her final remarks before leaving the room successfully receiving the information she had went for.
Esther knew more than Kirstie thought, she was expecting the interrogation but she was expecting to be questioned on why they two were friends again and not whether or not they were having an affair. The question had taken her aback and as a result she had revealed to Esther all she needed to know about the two of them. She had a show she needed to mentally prepare herself for but now all she could think of was her situation and how fucked up it all was.
Did she love Avi? Were they having an affair? Do mental affairs count and if so, was she having one?
Truthfully, Kirstie could not find the answers to those questions at that moment. She told herself they were all untrue, that she did not have feelings for Avi, that the reason she gets so flustered when he was around must just be due to him wearing too much cologne or something along those lines but she could bring herself to believe it. Somehow the mere thought that she didn't have feelings for Avi was more painful than questioning whether she did, and that scared her.
She didn't know why she left her dressing room but moments later she found herself rushing through the long corridors of the backstage of the venue, frantically searching for the one person she knew who could quell her nerves. When she found him, she was thankful he was alone as it gave her more of an opportunity to drag him by the hand out of the exposed corridor and into a nearby bathroom.
"What?" He breathed anxiously, backing as far away from her as he possible could to try and gain a better control over his feelings. They were alone, they were close and the thought as to why she had dragged him there was laced with the memory of the night before. He didn't know what to think, was this all a way of forcing him to kiss her before a show, was she going to scold him for kissing her, was he going to be able to control himself around her.
Kirstie crossed her arms crossed her chest as her way of attempting to control herself. Like Avi, being together in such a small space was tempting and all she wanted was to push him up against the door and discover just what she felt about him...but there were more pressing matters at hand, namely Esther.
"Your sister is suspicious."
"Let her, she's just looking out for us." Avi replied quickly, he had had the questions too although less forward as the ones Kirstie had received. In his mind, Esther was only suspicious and not onto them at all, he didn't see what the fuss was about.
"I don't blame her though. We have been acting weird, I'm pretty sure everyone is onto us. We have to cool it down, like seriously - this has got to stop." Kirstie muttered unwillingly, praying that Avi was not complacent and fought the notion, giving them an excuse to continue. She wanted an excuse for them more than she cared to admit.
"Says the girl who just dragged me into an empty bathroom with her." He tried to flirt, he tried to get the conversation to go in a different direction than where he thought it was heading but the serious look on her face suggested he had been unsuccessful.
"I brought you here to talk not make out..." Kirstie stated quickly, even herself was unsure about her words.
Reluctantly he replied, not wanting to be having their conversation but determined that if they were, they were going to be thorough about it. "The people who may have been watching us would not know that so we are not doing very well at stopping people's suspicions."
Kirstie gave him a stern look, determined not to respond as she knew he was correct and didn't wish to inform him that she agreed with him. She continued on quickly, not wanting to dwell on the idea that Avi was wanting to discuss the two of them ending whatever it was they were doing. "She thinks we are having an affair, she came to my dressing room and ask me about it."
"And what did you say?" Avi replied hastily, anxious to hear her answer for all the wrong reasons. He wanted to hear that she thought they were, that putting that bad name on their relationship legitimised them and gave him an excuse to continue. He figured if he was already sinning, he might as well continue.
"I didn't, I froze - it was stupid of me."
"But are we though?" He pressed again, hoping for the answer he hoped for.
"Of course not." Kirstie sniggered, dismissing the thought like it was not something that had been plaguing her since they got drunk and nearly slept together all those days before.
"Good, I don't think my conscious would like that at all." Avi chuckled unconvincingly.
Kirstie knew he was faking his relief, Avi never had been very all that cunning, and yet she couldn't help but feel at fault for feeling pleasure that Avi felt that way about them. However, despite her relief at him secretly wishing the two of them would be together, she was reminded from his words of how confusing his actions had been over the tour, one moment he was kissing her and then next her was telling her that what they were doing was bad and should not be happening. It was annoying, and confusing, and caused her to sigh before she replied. "You should have thought of that before you kissed me yesterday."
"It was a stupid, I know. But it was a two way thing, you can't deny that."
Kirstie moved closed to him while shaking her head in disbelief, Avi's conflicted and confusing statements were becoming all too common for her liking. "No. Not at all. We are both to blame but I'm just saying, make up your mind whether you want this or not. It's hard not knowing where your head is at, it just makes things all the more confusing."
Avi knew it was time. He needed to confess. He needed to get it off his chest. Calmly, he took a step forward, staring at her with loving eyes. "I want this too much Kirst, that's the problem. I can't control my actions when I'm near you."
"Same." Kirstie sighed, knowing the feeling he was describing all to well.
His reply was quiet, sad, "You don't get it."
"Yes I do Avi, being bad feels good. I've got that feeling too. Plus you're a good kisser, what's not to like!" She spoke fast, saying words as soon as they came to her mind desperate to understand herself.
"Kirstie-"
"-I mean, I like you - I think I've always had and that was fine for a while but since I'm having those problems with Seth I guess those feelings just came out as a distraction, that's all. All those things I said to you that night were purely heat of the moment, I swear, I love Seth and I would never cheat on him. I'm, just...eugh!" She rambled frantically, trying to justify her feelings to herself more so than she was doing for him. She could not have feelings for him, she wouldn't allow herself to.
"Kirstie, I think I'm in love with you." Avi mumbled quietly, ashamed that he was in love with someone he shouldn't have feelings for but glad it was off his chest.
"Don't be ridiculous." Kirstie replied gently and almost immediately like she had expected it to be coming. Her demeanour did not change, her expression stayed the same, Kirstie was more prepared for his words than she had been before.
"I don't know what you are doing in there, nor do I want to know, but you're on in five!" Esther voice rang through the bathroom complete with a set of knocks against the door.
Never before had Kirstie been as thankful for Esther's overcautious nature as in that moment. It took her no time at all to rush out of the room, wishing him good luck for the performance as she left.
"Yeah." He sighed watching her leave, wishing nothing more than to be sucked up into oblivion right there and then.