Tegan's P.O.V
April 2013
~~~
I arrive back to the penthouse safely and without Adelaide realizing I'm gone.
It's midnight now. My birthday has officially ended.
I'd left my cellphone in my room. From my lock screen, I see notifications from Nathan, Liam and Zayn.
I check Nathan's first. It's a picture of his notebook, there's a small doodle of a flower.
From: Nathan
- did you draw this in my notebook?
-_-
I smile to myself. He'd fallen asleep in mathematics, so I leaned over and drew it. I reply:
- you wish
I glance at the messages from Zayn and Liam. Basically, in some way they are asking if I'm okay and why I hung up to abruptly.
How embarrassing.
I love you!
No I don't!
I can NOT face them right now.
I can't even tell if I'm mad anymore. I don't even know if I was ever really mad. I think a combination of anxious and upset can sometimes result in anger.
Romeo didn't even really make anything worse, if anything he made me feel even emptier. I didn't even realize that was possible.
I decide to use the silk covered notebook Zayn had gifted me. Once before, Zayn had suggested keeping a diary or something. I thought it sounded childish at first. Now, journaling seems like the only thing that would make me feel better.
~~~
"Dear Me,
Today is April 13th, well, 14th actually. Basically, it's been my birthday. This is my first birthday without Mrs. Marjorie Willis and Oliver.
Oliver.
When I think of his name, it feels like the entire world stops spinning.
Anyways, I am not twelve anymore. Oliver is still twelve. Oliver died at twelve years old. Does that mean he will stay twelve forever? How do these things work?
In church, they talk about afterlife a lot. I never admitted this, but something about it never made sense to me. There was something I couldn't quiet understand about it. I can't confidently claim I believe Oliver is in Heaven or a "better place". I just don't know. Maybe, it's not for me to know.
I do know, Oliver died and now everything is worse. Five months later and everything is still worse.
Today, I told the lads that I love them. Insane, right? I can't stop thinking about how I could tell them I love them when I rarely spoke the words to Oliver. How could I love them when they aren't even here? When they aren't even here.
Some people don't like labels, but I prefer to remind myself of labels constantly. Adelaide is my nanny. The lads are my foster parents. Mrs. Fisher was Oliver's foster mom. Nathan is my friend. What do all of these labels have in common?
They're all temporary. Foster parents are not the same as parents who adopt you. There's a fine line, but the difference is horrible.
Today, I realized that ever since the lads walked through the threshold of my life, it's been nothing but unpredictable. I haven't felt normal. I feel like I'm constantly playing a character. Tegan Swallows ft. One Direction. There's no Tegan Swallows anymore.
Today, Romeo said something funny to me. For the first time in my entire life, I was insulted for being SPOILED.
Spoiled.
It's almost humorous to me. Bedazzled fork was his exact expression. He looked me right in the eyes and said, "You are not famous. You are just a kid with living a luxurious life. Why can't you just be grateful? Why can't you just be happy?"
I don't know. Why can't I just be god damn happy?
Sincerely, TJS
~~~