My heart won't stop beating and I can't understand why.
Everyone around me just seems to die.
I should too.
But Mum is clutching me too close to her heart and Connor won't let go of my hand and Kayla hasn't stopped texting and Dad won't speak -
what can he say?
What the hell is a parent supposed to say when their son dies?
And what the hell is the one who's left supposed to say?
Am I supposed to jump too? I want to.
Am I supposed to speak at funerals and schools about tragedy and suicide and all the things we could have done better?
Am I supposed to just move on?
I don't think that I can.
Is that even possible?
To move on with someone missing?
To move on with all the pieces out of place?
It's like trying to complete a puzzle with your eyes closed, or when you put together a corner wrong and now the whole thing is off?
It's like rushing to complete homework when time is up and you've only done one question. Like the world is pushing you forward but you just need more time. More time and you can figure it out, more time, time, time, on repeat, just play the seconds on repeat, rewind the clock and take it all back. Every stupid insult, every little papercut, ever stupid competition I always won, everything that I ever did wrong.
Just turn it all back and take everything bad that ever happened way.
Just let me hold his hand one more time and let him crawl into my bed one more time when neither of us can sleep because of the nightmares.
Just bring back my baby brother.