Chapter 2
Would you let me?
My palms were sweating as I was silently waiting in their company's cafe. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko sa kaniya. How was I supposed to act? How would an Aya he knew act upon seeing him? Pilit kong inaalala pero nadidistract ako sa lakas ng kabog sa dibdib ko.
Paano kung hindi niya pala natatandaan 'yung sinabi niya sa akin noon at hindi niya maisip na ako ang nagbigay ng libro? Paano kung ayaw niya pala ako makita? Paano kung mali pala ng akala si Ian? Paano kung wala pala siyang balak babain ako rito? How long would I wait? Thirty minutes? One hour? Two hours?
Naisip kong napakatagal naman no'n pero sumagi rin sa isip ko, the guy had waited for years. Lagi siyang nasa tabi ko para suportahan ako. He was there to remind me to always get up and never give up.
"What's wrong with you?" tanong ni Liz sa akin. She was looking at me as if I were doing something weird. Umiling lang ako bilang sagot. "Don't be tensed! You're just meeting him!" Napatingin si Liz sa cell phone niyang tumunog. Binasa niya iyon. "Aya... Jiro has arrived in the department. And apparently, he already got the paper bag."
Bago pa man ako makapag-react sa sinabi niya ay nagsalita siyang muli. "And apparently, tinakbo niya ang cafe para makita ka agad."
Napakunot ang noo ko.
"Aya?" sabi ng isang pamilyar na boses. I looked up and saw him there. May pawis sa kaniyang sentindo. Inayos niya ang salamin niya sa mata. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kaniyang katawan. He was wearing a blue polo and black slacks. "Aya..."
My body was frozen to my where I was sitting. Nakatingin lang ako sa kaniya. Gone were his boyish features. This man's all grown up now.
"Uhh? Alis muna ako, finollow-up nga pala ng Abeerden Corp 'yung blue print," ani Lizel. She excused herself. Ni hindi ko man lang siya nalingon upang pigilan o magpaalam man lang.
Pumalit si Jiro doon sa inupuan ni Lizel. Ipinatong niya sa gilid ng lamesa 'yung libro. Pinagmasdan ko lang siya habang pinupunasan niya ang butil ng pawis sa kaniyang noo gamit ang panyo.
Inilapit ko sa kaniya ang Iced Americano na binili namin ni Liz kanina.
"Thanks," he said. Nakatingin lang ako sa cup at pinagmamasdang nababawasan iyong laman. I tried glancing to his face and I found out he was looking at me. Para bang sinisipat niya ang bawat parte ng mukha ko. I suddenly grew conscious.
"You can stare back," bigla niyang sabi. I gaped at him. Humalakhak siya sa reaksyon ko. God, I missed that laugh! "Para hindi awkward," dugtong niya habang pinaglalaruan ng mahaba niyang daliri 'yong tubig na nasa lamesa, moist mula sa Iced Americano. His finger was tracing circles then stars then circles again.
Umayos ako ng upo. "G-galit ka ba sa akin?" I found the courage to speak. Mula sa pagtingin sa daliri niya, inilipat ko ang tingin ko sa mukha niya.
This time, he was the one who gaped at me. "Pupuntahan ba kita rito kung galit ako?" He flashed me a familiar smile. "And why would I be mad?"
I didn't know if it was a rhetorical question or whatnot, but I decided not to answer him because I didn't want to talk about it anymore. "Alright," he said when I didn't say anything.
"But there is one thing I am curious about..." he stopped playing with his finger. Kinuha niya ang tissue sa gilid at pinunasan ang daliri niya. He leaned closer to the table that's seperating the two of us, then he met my eyes. "Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin no'ng bumalik ka?"
Pagkasabi niya noon ay alam ko nang hindi ang pagbabalik ko mula sa US ang tinutukoy niya. He was pertaining to my return five years ago. My return after I flee from Paolo's life.
"I didn't want to be saved," I said. I wanted to say he was more than just a back up plan, that he didn't deserve such that but I kept my mouth mum about it. "Kailangan ko lang siguro no'n ng time para sa sarili ko. I wanted to get up all by myself."
He nodded. Twice or thrice. I wasn't sure. He leaned back. He was just staring. Staring at me. Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mata, pero nginisihan lang niya ako. Then he crossed his arms. He's still staring! Tinatagilid pa niya ang ulo niya na parang sinisipat ako na naman ako. What's the problem?
"Your hair has curls," he finally said. Tinignan ko ang buhok ko sa may balikat ko. Iyong dulo kasi ay bahagyang umaalon. "That's why you look a bit mature. You have light make up on, too." Ibinalik ko ang tingin ko sa kaniya.
"Jiro..." It was the first time I said his name out loud in front of him today. For the past years I have spent away from him, I've constructed a thousand words to say to him when this time comes. But now I'm tonguetied. Especially when he's intensely staring all the while. Tinaas pa niya ang kilay niya na parang hinihintay ang sasabihin ko.
Huminga ako nang malalim. "I missed you," buong puso kong sabi sa kaniya. Because I really did. Iyong tawa niya, 'yong boses niya, 'yung pag-ayos niya sa salamin niya, 'yong pagka-random niya... lahat iyon.
He took a sip from his Iced Americano. "You've been gone for so long." He didn't say he miss me.
"Yeah. So long."
As I was looking at him, trying to find the words to utter just so this conversation wouldn't stop, his cell phone rang. Tinignan niya iyon na naging dahilan kung bakit napapalatak siya. Then he looked at me, that look I know he'd somewhat say he had to go or something like that. His eyes were apologetic.
"Kailangan ko nang umakyat ulit... May ifoforward pa kasi akong blueprint."
Tumango lang ako. Pinagmasdan ko ang straw ng Iced Americano niya.
"You go," I said.
I had to admit I was disappointed, or maybe upset was the right word. But I knew it wasn't a good idea to interrupt him at work, so I understand.
His eyes were narrowed, seemingly because of my reply. "Hmm." Inayos niya ang salamin niya. "How about... dinner tonight?"
I mentally track down my schedule; I don't have any commitment tonight. I flashed a smile. "Dinner tonight."
His face brightened. "7 PM? Where should I pick you up?"
"Sabihin mo na lang sa akin kung saan. Ako na lang ang pupunta."
"Wala pa akong maisip kung saan. How about I text you later?" he suggested. It felt somehow... different. Ewan ko. Back in college, we never really plan where to eat... much more plan to go out. I wonder if this makes him feel weird, too.
"Okay," I said. For a couple of seconds, we were just staring at each other. His eyes were still the same. Para bang tumatagos ito sa loob ko. Na parang tingin ko ay nababasa na namam niya ako. After a while, kumurap na ako dahil ang hapdi na sa mata. But he's still staring... like he was waiting for something?
"I don't have your number," he finally said. Oo nga pala! Simula kasi no'ng umalis ako no'ng college ay hindi ko na ginamit ang numero ko noon. He probably changed his digits, too. It's been five years.
"That was smooth, Engineer."
Kukunin ko na sana 'yung notepad ko sa bag ko upang isulat 'yung number pero napatingin ako sa nagsalita. He was standing beside me, and he was looking at Jiro.
"Lorcan!" sabi ni Jiro.
"Pinapatawag ka na sa taas. Late ka na nga tapos wala pang limang minuto, nawala ka na naman," bulong no'ng lalaki na Lorcan yata ang pangalan. Binulong niya pa, rinig ko naman. I scribbled down my number quickly.
Jiro gazed at me again, his eyes still apologetic. "I'll see you later," I said at ibinigay ko sa kaniya ang piraso ng papel.
Alas-quatro ng hapon ng matanggap ako ng text mula kay Jiro.
Jiro:
Chef Jean's Bistro, 7 PM?
I typed in my reply: I'll be there. :)
Nang nag ala-sais na ay umalis na ako ng bahay. Chef Jean's was a just 30 minute-drive from our home. Medyo traffic nga lang dahil nagsisi-uwian pa ang mga tao. It's a good thing though na hindi puno ang parking space sa Chef Jean's, siguro dahil weekday. I suck at parking! Big time.
Pagdating ko roon ay nakita kong may kumaway sa akin. It was Jiro, of course. Kaya dali-dali akong pumunta roon kahit hindi na minuestra no'ng receptionist.
"Hi." Jiro was occupying a couch on the corner of the bistro. Umupo ako sa tapat niya at inabot ang dala kong paper bag. Kunot noo niyang kinuha iyon, "Ano 'to?"
"Pasalubong?" I said. "For you, Tita, and Leigh. Hindi nga lang ako nakabili ng para sa Papa at kapatid mo. I didn't know."
Nakita ko ang pagkagulat sa mata niya kaya natawa ako. Nabigla siguro siya dahil alam ko ang tungkol doon. "Well? Let's just say I did a little stalking before meeting you. Liz and Ella wouldn't bulge! Ayaw nilang sabihin ang kahit ano tungkol sa'yo."
Ngumiti siya. "Masaya akong nandito ka na ulit, Aya."
Matapos iyon ay umorder na kami. We talked about a lot of things... mga experience ko sa US, 'yung first work niya, 'yung pagkakabuo ulit ng pamilya nila. Masaya siya, I know. At masaya ako dahil masaya siya. Hindi yata kami mauubusan ng kwento sa isa't isa. It brought me back to my college days. Itong kung ano-ano lang ang pinag-uusapan namin. In that brief moment, nakalimutan ko ang lahat ng mga nangyari. It was as though it's only my present that I have... and in that moment too, it felt adequate, it felt enough.
Patapos na ako sa dessert ko. Napatingin ako kay Jiro at napansin kong pinapanood niya pala ako sa pagkain ko. Kinunot ko ang noo ko. He laughed so I laughed too.
Tinuloy ko ang pagkain, but he didn't stop staring.
"Gusto mo ba?" sabi ko sabay offer sa kaniya ng kutsarang may Chocolate gelato.
He was just smiling. Then smiling wider. Tapos umiling-iling siya, but he's still smiling. "You still have this effect on me. It's been long, but it feels all the same."
I couldn't say anything. Ibinaba ko ang kutsarita.
"When I saw you early in the morning a while ago... hindi mo alam kung gaano ako kasaya. I wanted to hug you. I wanted to say I missed you. Pero natakot ako... Natakot akong pag hinawakan kita, mawawala ka bigla. Na baka magising ako sa ilusyon ko. But you're here. You're still here."
"Jiro..."
"Buong maghapon tinitignan ko lang 'yung note mo, kahit nagtatrabaho ako ay 'yon pa rin ang nasa isip ko. Pero hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong isipin, Aya. This..." Tinuro niya ang dibdib niya. "This part of me wanted to believe it meant something, that maybe it's my time now, baka may pag-asa na ako but this..." Tinuro niya ang sentido niya, "This part knows better... that there's no way you'd like--" Napahinto siya dahil hinawakan ko ang kamay niyang nakapatong sa mesa.
"If I'll ever fall in love again, I want it to be you," I said. "There's no part of you that's hard to like."
I saw his lips trembled. "Can I hug you?" mabilis niyang sabi. Natawa naman ako. I nodded.
He slipped beside and give me a hug. I even felt him sniffing my hair. "I like it. I like your hair. This new look."
I hugged him tighter. God, I really missed this guy.
Bahagya niyang nilayo ang sarili niya sa akin, tama lang upang makita ko ang mukha niya. "If I court you now, would you let me?"
Tumango ako at niyakap niya ako muli. I didn't care if the other waitress was staring at us. I'm just happy because of Jiro. "I'm courting you now." Tumango ulit ako.