My first instinct is to say no. I can't drag a two year old across the state, all the way to D.C. If they've already lost eight people, I don't understand why they're still trying. They won't make it. They're eventually going to die.
"I can't bring him to D.C.," I say, looking at Sam before returning my gaze back to Joel.
"We've only got about 300 miles left," he replies.
I laugh. "Only 300?"
"Once we get another car it shouldn't be too long before we get there."
"I'll have to pass, but thank you." I force a smile.
Joel nods. "I don't know how well you're doing on your own, but we could help you if you joined us. Strength in numbers."
I contemplate his offer. Sam and I have just barely been scarping by. We could use their help. And I could potentially help save the human race. That's all I wanted to do when I was with Jonah. Sam and I have nothing that's keeping us here. Even if we were to stay, we wouldn't find Daryl.
And if I join them I won't have to be alone anymore. Joel seems trustworthy. If I went with them they could help get food for Sam, help give him more than I can alone. I don't know what's best. I don't know what to do. Being constantly on the move puts Sam at a higher risk for dying and I know he wouldn't be too thrilled about moving all the time. But I could save people.
I could help end this.
I look up at Joel. "Okay, we'll go with you."
Joel and Ellie stay that night at the house with us while I pack. We have so much here. It's hard for me to let things go. I want to take some of the Christmas ornaments with us, and a few of Sam's toys. We have memories here that I don't want to forget. I wipe away a tear as I shove the things we need into our backpacks.
My mind wanders to when I was at Carrie's parents' house with Daryl. I'm standing next to him as he grumbles to himself because everything isn't fitting into the packs. I tell him if he actually folds things it'll all fit, but he doesn't listen. He never listened to me.
I think about the time when a walker broke through the front door and almost killed me. Daryl busted through the door to find me crying on the floor. I remember the pale color of his eyes and the scars on his face. I remember the way I felt when he held my gaze and told me everything was going to be okay.
I'd give anything to hear those words leave his lips again. I'd give anything to have him here just so he could yell at me and piss me off with his mood swings. Nothing sounds more perfect.
"Need help?"
I turn around to see Joel standing in the doorway of my bedroom with Sam in his arms. I wipe away a tear from my cheek. "Oh, I'm almost done."
He nods. "If you need anything, we'll be right out here."
"Thanks," I say with a weak smile.
Sam and I sleep in our bed for the last time. He snuggles up next to me, breathing softly through his mouth as he sleeps. I stare at the vacant spot next to me. Daryl would fit perfectly there. He'd fit perfectly with me anywhere.
I wonder if he's really dead. I wonder if he spends every day looking for us. I wonder if he's given up. I hope he thinks I'm doing the right thing. I hope that once we get this vaccine made, I can see him again. I can cure him.
The next day consists of nothing but walking. When we left the house, I cried. Joel put his arm around me and I tried to stop, but I couldn't. Ellie looked at me like I was stupid for crying over something so insignificant. Sam wiped away the tears with his little thumb as they fell.
Eventually, I composed myself. It felt safer to be with them. For once I wasn't the only one watching my back. It's nice having Joel beside me. I hardly know him but he makes me feel safe. He's quiet most of the time, which breaks my already broken heart because he reminds me of Daryl.
Sometimes I feel like the dead. Like there's not a living piece of me left.
We take a break when we come across what appears to be a deserted town. Almost all of the snow on the ground has melted. There's cars in the middle of the streets. One of the windshields is covered in dried blood.
"We should look inside that general store for food," Joel suggests.
I turn around to speak to Ellie. She walks behind us with Sam as he holds her hand. "Watch him until we say the coast is clear, okay?" I say.
She grabs a gun from her back pocket. "Sure."
Joel opens the door and I follow him. Almost everything has been thrown from the shelves. Every time I take a step, I break something. There's shards of glass and blood stains on the tiled floor. I think it's safe. All I hear is the crunching of our footsteps. Joel begins walking towards the back of the store while I search the sides.
I find a few cans of vegetables and a box of matches. Most of the stuff that's left isn't worth taking. I get up to find Joel. He's in one of the back aisles, smelling the different scented candles.
"I thought we were supposed to be searching for things we need," I say with a smile.
He jumps—clearly startled by my presence. "We are. I just—"
"I was joking," I interject.
"Oh." He sighs in relief. "And who says we don't need a candle that smells like birthday cake?"
"You're right, we probably do need it," I laugh.
He stuffs the candle in his pack before swinging the bag across his shoulders. We head back towards the entrance, breaking things beneath our feet as we go. He pushes open the door and when we step outside the wind hits me causing my hair to fly in my face.
"Ellie?" I hear Joel call from beside me.
I tuck my hair behind my ear so I can see: Ellie isn't here; Sam isn't here.
Sam isn't here.
My heart plunges to my stomach.
"Where are they?" I scream. "Where are they?"
Joel's eyes frantically scan the deserted street. "Ellie!" he yells again.
I'm so stupid.
Why did I leave Sam with a little girl? Daryl would've never done that. Now he's gone. My mistake might've killed him. Air gets caught in my lungs. I can't breathe. I take off running down the street. I have to find him.
There's only a few buildings in this town. They couldn't have gone very far. Unless they were kidnapped. My knees buckle. I can't let Daryl down. I can't let Sam die. I have to—
Screaming. All I hear is screaming. And gun shots.
"Joel! Joel!" A few yards ahead of me Ellie runs out of what I think is the post office. She's shaking as she searches for Joel and when her eyes meet mine, she starts shaking. I know he's dead. Just by looking at her I know he's dead.
"Sam? Where is he?" I'm screaming at her. I don't even care that she's crying. I don't care that there's blood on her hands or that she's a child and she needs to be comforted.
She shakes her head. "I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?" I grab her shoulder and shake her.
"I-I think he's in there," she says in between sobs. "I lost him in there."
I push my hand off her and sprint inside the small building. A bell dings after me when I push through the door. There's boxes scattered on the floor. A dead woman lies at my feet. Ellie must have just killed her.
"Sam?" I call. "Sam, please answer me. It's Macy."
My voice is desperate. My knees are shaking. He can't be dead. He has to be in here. He can't leave me, too. The ache in my heart consumes me as each second passes without him answering me.
I jump over the counter, knocking a few pens on the floor. The back room is small. There's another walker on the floor. Empty boxes and unopened letters surround me.
"Sam?" I call again, my voice coming out calmer this time. "Sam, it's Macy. You're okay. Please, answer me."
Nothing.
All I hear is silence.
My lungs disintegrate. Air gets caught in my throat. I see blood on the floor. I clamp my hand over my mouth to stop myself from losing it. The trail of blood leads around a corner. The blood is smeared—like someone tried to get away. Like a little boy tried to get away.
I can't bring myself to move. I can't see him dead. I can't see his little body on the floor, covered in his own blood.
It's all my fault.
I have to look.
I have to know.
I close my eyes and take a step forward. I prepare myself for the worst. I know his dead body is around the corner. His blood will be everywhere.
I vomit.
Water and day old green beans leave my stomach. I start dry heaving as tears fall down my cheeks. I can't look. I can't do it.
"Macy." A strong hand grips my shoulder and for a second I think it's Daryl before I remember he's not here anymore.
Joel stares at the blood on the floor and looks at me. He searches my eyes, wondering what I've seen.
"I don't know," I say. "I can't look."
He nods his head, closing his eyes for a moment before following the trail of blood.
I hold my breath.
He disappears around the corner and I wait. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I already know when Joel returns, he'll look at me with sympathy in his eyes. He'll say he's sorry and more words that I won't hear because the grief will consume me. I already feel numb. I feel like I'm not where I am. I feel like I'm dreaming. None of this is real. I can't lose my Sam. I can't lose him, too. I might as well put the gun to my head right now.
"Macy." Joel's voice brings me back to reality.
I peer around the corner. Joel stands with his hands in his pockets. The room consists of nothing but sorting bins and boxes. There's little drops of blood that lead under one of the boxes. I know he didn't escape. He's too little. Too slow. His dead body is under that box. If he were alive, he would've answered me.
I fall to the floor. My body shakes and my lungs collapse. I killed him. It's my fault he's dead. I killed him. I killed him like I killed Glenn. My heart breaks. I feel every piece as it rips and pierces my sides. I feel like I'm dying.
Joel puts his hand on my shoulder. "I'm going to look under the box, alright?"
I shake my head. "No. I'll do it. Just give me a minute."
He nods. "I'm going to go get Ellie, then."
He leaves the room as I stare at the box with the blood underneath it. I rise to my feet. The room spins around me. When I lift the lid, I see him and my heart stops.
"Macy," he says in a little voice, extending his arms towards me.
I stare at him. Blood runs down his right hand. His blue eyes peer up at me. His blonde hair hangs in his face.
He's alive.
It doesn't seem real. I thought he was dead. How is he alive?
"Sammy." I wrap my arms around him. "Oh my God, Sam."
His small hands touch my cheek.
"Why didn't you answer me when I called you? I called your name so many times, Sam." I pull him away so I can see his face.
He looks at me with wide eyes. "When I get scared Daddy said to be quiet. He find me if I'm quiet."
I pull him into my chest again. Relief pumps through my veins like it's blood. I run my hands through his hair, still in disbelief that he's here.
The sound of footsteps emerge in the room as Ellie and Joel return. I can't see them but I know they're behind me.
"I'm really sorry," Ellie says quietly.
I rise to my feet and turn around to look at her. "No more running off, okay?"
"Yeah, okay." She nods.
"Tell Macy what you found," Joel says as he playfully nudges the little girl.
She produces a small smile. "I found a car."
Note: Thank you for all the votes and comments on the last chapter!! Sorry I didn't get to respond to most of them. I've had midterms these past two weeks. Also, the characters Joel and Ellie are from The Last of Us. I think someone asked that last chapter. Anyways, thank you!! Please comment and vote(: