My heart squeaks at the sound of his voice. 'I'm so in love with you'. The words repeat in my mind, my body feeling all fuzzy and weak. I hated him for saying those words, but I also loved him for saying it. I always knew there was something there between us, but both of us were afraid of saying, especially me. How can I tell him I feel the exact same when I know we can't be together?
I almost felt bad that he said it before I did, but I knew I would never had told him not even by accident. I don't move, I don't talk, hell I don't even breathe. Everything is silent, apart from my beating heart, that sounds like fireworks. It burns knowing that I can't repeat the words myself, that I can't let him know he isn't alone in this. I feel like I've known I liked him a while now, all those confusing feelings that I felt, I now know the answer - it was love. Forbidden love.
"I told you not to fall in love with me."
"I am so so so in love with you, you have no idea." Nathaniel says in almost a whisper, like he was forcing the words out of his mouths.
I don't say anything, still stand there frozen.
"I want you so bad." He says with a wide grin spreading across his face, the corners of his eyes creased and his eyes lit with happiness. So would mine, but I was to surprised. But my heart on the other hand was doing jumping jacks.
"Do you ever think everything that we could be, when you're alone?" He asks, his voice sounds like he is a kid, that just found out Santa's going to be coming tonight. "Come on, are you holding back, like the way you do about everything?" My breath hitches at each word, each word hitting me right in the heart.
He comes closer to me and reaches for my hand, his fingers brush against mine but I move it so his fingers slip through. Even if we touched for a split second, it felt more intriguing and fierce then when you touch fire. It was indescribable.
His smile completely fades when I move my hand from him, and step back a little. I think it was only now that he realised I wasn't smiling, I was excited by his news, well my face wasn't excited but I know sure as hell there was a party going on inside.
"Has it ever crossed your mind, when we're chilling and spending time that are we just friends? Or could it be more? You have thought about it once?" He says weakly, almost fighting his case like he was going to lose me.
"You...you can't say that!" I say harshly. "Why did you say that for! You ruined everything!" I say with a cracked voice defensively.
He blinks at me, taken back by what I said. "Wh-what? I'm sorry. What did I do?" He says in a soft voice, almost sounding sad.
"You ruined our friendship that's what." I say quietly, trying to make myself believe he was not right for me, that he had ruined everything. But everything inside me kept telling me otherwise.
"You're lying." He says letting out a soft laugh, shaking his head in disbelief.
"What?" I ask, with my face tensed and emotionless. The anger inside me was growing and growing, and it would fuse any moment now and I will lash out in front of him, and I really did not want that, it wasn't his fault I couldn't love him. It's not like he purposely made me fall in love with him.
"I see the way you look at me, the way you act around me, I know you feel it too. We have a connection, an unspeakable one and you know it. Admit it." He says in a more confident tone, his relaxed body posture had turned tensed and straight, only making me feel worse than I did.
I ruined his happy moment.
I didn't know what to say to him, he was completely right. Now come to think of it, I did look at him like he was the moon glistening dark blue sky, while I was a rock in the river. I looked at him like he had the most stunning smile anyone could be blessed with, not to mention how attractive his personality was, it was far from average or original, it was just perfect.
I know how my attitude changed whenever I was around him, from negative to positive, from stressed to carefree and from sad to happy every single time. I never realised how much I had liked him till he pointed it out.
I also never realised how much he cared about me, but now I recall every single moment, the moments that I shake off thinking it's nothing. When we are out, and he make's sure I get home way before curfew time so my parent's always think I'm responsible.
The way he would continuously ask me if I have eaten, or if he saw it was slight windy he would offer me his jacket, or the way he would make sure there are no cars on the road when I cross, because I'm always on my phone, or the way he always looks out for me, with every single thing. And most of all how much he respected me as a person and my religion. He may have not realised it, but I have noticed it now.
I knew we had a connection, I always felt this infuriating feeling, that would consume me, anger me, change me. It would anger me so much that he had that effect on me, that he could change my attitude and better me as a person. Make me feel happy and good about myself.
I didn't realise I have been staring at him all this time, like it was the first time I saw something, something that I knew was real. I know we have a connection, because although he was four feet away from me, I can feel the connection like electricity.
I don't say another word, but use all the energy inside me to pull myself away from him and walk away. I hear him call my name out, but I carry on walking without turning back, I walk further and further away from him, and I hear him call my name out one more time, but it was faint and quiet. I still don't look back. I carry on walking as far away I can get from him.
-
Although I wanted to get far away from him, I only ended up like meters away from him, because we lived opposite of each other. Which sucked in some ways, but in others it didn't because I peeked outside my window, waiting for him to come home. I stood there for almost an hour until he turned up. He looked at my window, catching me by surprise, I instantly jumped down and fell on my bum. Great.
I was too emotionally wrecked and confused to come home and eat my waffles, or even call Cassie and tell her the good, or not so good news. So I fell asleep for almost forty-five minutes. It was 9:58PM.
I lie down, with my face buried in my pillow, I hear light knocks on my bedroom door. I pick my head up, and open my eyes only to bit struck by a few seconds of blindness and swirls. "Yeah?" I say to the person behind the door.
The door opens, revealing my brother. "You okay? You didn't have your waffles." Adam says, as he sits on my bed besides me.
"Yeah I'm okay, I'll have them in the morning." I say with a small smile. He looks at me for a while without saying anything, then gives me a small smile. He ruffles my hair before getting up to leave.
"I know you're not okay, but if you don't want to talk that's fine. But I'm leaving the light on, so you feel less sad." Adam says winking while flicking the switch one, and leaving.
"Gee thanks bro." I say under my breath. I was really enjoying this whole sitting in the dark, contemplating life.
I get up and sit on my bum. My laptop screen had gone to asleep on its self. I pick my phone up to tell Cassie about what happen today.
ME: "Cass, you busy?"
I stare at my phone for a good long minute, because she replies.
CASSIE: "Being cute with Jacob. Busy af."
ME: "Nathaniel told me he loves me."
That's all I needed to say for her to come, and I knew she will come.
CASSIE: "Give me 5 mins."
I wait, I thought I would have to wait five full minutes, but she came in three minutes. I laugh hysterically because that is so Cassie like. And she also lived close by, she most probably ran.
"ASSSSII OPEN THE DOOR." Cassie bangs on the door, which I could hear from upstairs. I open my door and walk down the stairs, but Adam had already opened it.
Cassie looked mortified, she obviously didn't realise someone was home, or rather Adam would be home. Adam doesn't say anything, but laugh while walking off. I roll my eyes at him, she still looked embarrassed until she saw my face.
"OH MY GOD TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT." Cassie shrieks, as she runs up to me, we both run upstairs.
-
{Sorry it's quite short}
AWWW. Nathaaaaniel. QT DDDDD= Be mine instead.
What is it with boys, can't they keep a simple promise??????
some people may clock on where I got a few of my lines from :))))) Crush by the one and only David archulate :D <3
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;) Anyways, if you enjoyed this chapter, please give it a vote & comment your thoughts :D :)
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Peace oxoxoxoxo
~ farhana