Katniss POV- (That night)
"Willow, go get Daddy for dinner." I tell her softly and she runs into the living room and a few minutes later, they both walk into the kitchen.
I hold my breath and try to continue doing what I was doing, which was making plates I think.
I feel his hand on my shoulder and I completely freeze.
"Katniss. We need to talk later." Peeta mumbles in my ear and I nod. I hand him some food and then take my own plate and Willow's too to the table and we eat in silence, except for the little random screeching and squeals Willow makes. Yet again, not having a clue in the world as to what's really going on.
But I just can't stop thinking about how scared I am.
I have no idea what he wants to talk about or what his excuse will be for the last few months is either and I am so afraid of what it could be.
I don't think I've done anything lately to make him this upset so it has to be on his part but I'm not sure what it would be.
We finish eating and Willow is exhausted from the park and half asleep so I take her to bed, dreading what's about to take place. I leave her bedroom and go back down stairs where Peeta still sits and stares at his food.
I bite my bottom lip and sit down again, my heart racing and my head light and shaky.
We sit silently for the longest time.
I don't think it's ever been this awkward between us. And if it has, I don't remember it all that well.
I'm so mad at him but at the same time I am scared to death about what he's going to tell me or if he will even tell me at all. Maybe he's decided against whatever it is he was going to tell me.
So I decide to start the conversation.
"You wanted to talk to me?" I ask him quietly. So quietly I'm not sure if I actually said it or I was just thinking about saying it.
He sighs deeply, "I do."
I close my eyes, "Okay."
Peeta takes a deep breath, "I don't know what's gotten into me lately but I am at that point that just don't care, about anything again. I'm not sure why either."
My heart falls into the pit of my stomach.
He's depressed again.
"And it's not fair of me to be treating you and Willow badly so to cut to the chase, I was going to tell you that if you want me to leave, I can." Peeta says, his words choked.
Tears immediately start streaming down my cheeks and my mouth gapes open.
"I know that you've been miserable lately and really the last few years and I don't know what to do, Katniss. I just feel so completely helpless." He says.
I can't even look at him.
"Listen to me, I'm sorry. I know we were suppose to have our 'Forever and Always' and raise Willow together but it's no use if I'm never here. I can't quit or close because we've put a lot into that stupid place to do that and I know you won't let me." Peeta says and starts crying too.
I can't even speak.
"I just don't know what to do. I'm sick and tired of that place and I miss you both so much but I can't quit."
"You could hire other people! It doesn't just have to be you!" I raise my voice through the choking tears.
Peeta sighs, "No body wants to work in a stupid bakery, Katniss. I couldn't pay them enough, or I would've already hired someone." He says calmly.
"There's somebody out there that would do anything for a job, Peeta. No matter what it is or how much it pays!" I yell at him and get out of my chair.
I look towards the back door and know that if I want to stay conscious I'm going to need some fresh air.
So I walk out onto the back porch and of course, Peeta follows me.
I plop down on the first step and stare out into the darkness. He sits a safe distance away from me.
"Why do you think that leaving us helps anything?" I ask him angrily.
He thinks about it a minute.
"I just thought that you would be happier." He starts.
I could slap him I'm so mad at him right now.
"I wouldn't be." I assure him.
"How do you know?" He tries.
I turn to him.
"Because I have been without you before and it's not fun for me at all." I say, remembering how a few Thanksgiving's back, when I was pregnant with Willow, he left me for a few weeks for a stupid job.
I honestly thought we would never get back together but somehow we did.
I nearly went crazy though, I remember it well.
Every night I would cry myself to sleep, wearing his clothes and sleeping on his side of the bed, where his pillow still had his scent, despite the fact he hadn't used it in weeks.
I would look through our photo albums or in his art room. And I even got out this box of every sentimental thing that Peeta has ever given me in there, necklaces or simpler things like this picture of him from our senior year-all baby faced.
"And has the last few months been fun for you?" Peeta asks, thinking somehow he's making a point.
"Nope."
He sighs, "That's why you should make me leave."
"Do you just want to leave? Is that why you're doing all of this? Is it that you're too scared to tell me that you want to leave? Because if you want to leave me then just do it." I say frustratedly.
His blue eyes burn holes into the cement, "Katniss, it's not that. It's just I don't even know what to do anymore. Yeah, say I hire a few people to help me, that isn't the only problem." Peeta says.
"Then what is the fucking (1) problem?" I ask him.
"The fucking (2) problem is I don't even know why the hell I'm doing this." He tells me, aggravated.
I roll my eyes, "Well, you better figure it out. Willow is suffering more than I am so worry about her before you worry about me."
He shrugs, "I'm sorry, Katniss. I really am but I can't help anything I feel. It's not like I just woke up and decided, 'Well, my life hasn't been bad in awhile, so I'm gonna be depressed.'"
I groan, "Obviously you didn't do that but that's what it feels like." I start. "It slowly just went downhill and I'm not sure how to get back up but if you just want to quit after everything we've been through and promised each other, then you just go on and leave." I tell him.
"It's like I told you last time there was a decision to be made. I don't know what you want to do so you better make up your mind and if you truly want to be here, then you'll stay and if not then you'll leave and I don't care what you choose but you're being fucking (3) ridiculous. And this is the last time I'm having this conversation with you." I tell him truthfully.
Peeta sighs deeply, "I want to be here but how am I suppose to do that if I don't ever get to see you guys?"
"Willow and I would be up there all day long but you don't want us there!" I remind him.
"It's not that. It's just that I don't want you both having to work and I don't want her growing up in the bakery like I did. I don't want her to think, just because I am a baker that she has to be one too. I don't want it to influence her."
I roll my eyes, "Trust me, if Willow wants to follow in your footsteps she's going to do it either way. If she doesn't she's gonna do what she wants, she's not going to be influenced by anything." I state truthfully.
I know how Willow is, even though she's only one years old and when she gets older, if she decides she wants to be a pirate, that's what she's going to be, no changing her mind.
"But what if she is?"
"So what? If that is what she loves doing, then she has every right to do that!" I tell him.
It's ridiculous he thinks he will influence her decision on anything, besides the fact that those decisions are at least 17 years from now but obviously that doesn't matter to him.
"If you're dad didn't want you to be a baker too, would you listen and go be something you didn't want to be?" I ask him.
He shakes his head.
"Then why do you think that your daughter would do any differently?"
"I just don't know what to do, Katniss."
"Well, actually communicating with me instead of basically ignoring me and your child may be a good start." I tell him truthfully.
"I haven't been trying to ignore you, it just happens. I am not trying to make either of you feel like that." He says softly, crying too.
I glance at him, feeling heartbreak at the same time anger.
"You haven't kissed me in forever and you haven't said 'I love you' either and I know you love me without doing either of those things but I still need reassurance from you, especially since you've been acting like you hate me!" I bawl into my hands. He puts his hand on my back but I scoot away from him and stand up, "Just keep doing what you've been doing and ignore me or just leave. Forget this whole conversation happened because I knew it was gonna turn out like this, but something I won't forget is that you asked me about leaving." I say and walk into the house.
I can't believe him.
It wouldn't be as bad except he's just refused to have anything to do with Willow and I for no reason in particular.
"Katniss? Please just let me explain?" Peeta says, coming back into the house.
"What is there to explain? You better have a good fucking (4) reason to want to leave me, Peeta. I can't believe you." I say disgusted with him.
He frowns, "It's not like that at all." He says.
I roll my eyes and try ignoring him and begin cleaning the kitchen but he stops me, grabbing my arms.
"Peeta, let me go!!" I groan angrily at him, struggling to yank my arms out of his grip.
We stare icily info each other's eyes and he looks down.
"I can't." He says quietly.
I let my muscles relax a bit, "Why? It's like you already have, I know you want to leave me." I say.
That's the only thing I've gotten from this; Peeta wants to leave me.
"I don't want to leave but I don't want to make things worse for you. You both seem to be doing just fine without me."
"Obviously you don't know me as well as I thought you did. I have been a complete mess since you started this, Peeta. I've kept it inside until the other night but how could there not be something wrong?"
"I don't know, Katniss." He shrugs.
"If you actually walked out that door right now, I would never speak to you again." I tell him.
Peeta frowns, "I'm not going to unless you want me to."
"And I don't want you to unless you want to." I tell him truthfully.
If he isn't happy for what ever reason then why should I hold him here? He wouldn't do it to me.
But I just don't know why he thinks there's no way out of this. That's the part that isn't adding up for me.
"I don't want to." He whispers softly.
"Then don't." I mumble softly, more tears streaming down my cheeks and he pulls me into a shaky hug.
It feels so good to feel his arms around me again but so completely alien the same.
"I just love you so much, Peeta." I cry into his shirt.
He squeezes me tighter, "I love you too."
His words, like music I've longed to hear.
"And I've missed you so so much and you ignoring me when we are together hurt me a lot." I tell him truthfully.
"I'm sorry, Katniss. I miss you too but I am just so unsure about everything right now." He cries.
I nod and close my eyes and we just stand there in each other's arms, crying.
There's still so much to discuss about this whole mess but I don't want to pull away, so he does it for me.
"It's nothing personal, Katniss. I swear it. You and Willow are my whole world and you know that but I am so out of control over what my actions have been lately and I'm not sure what to do."
I frown, "I just wish I could help you but I've literally tried everything. And this has got to be more than your family, Peeta. Obviously you're not happy with something."
"But I don't know what it is because you are perfect! Willow is perfect and everything is great but I'm ruining it." He says in that tone he uses when he believe everything he's saying and that makes it harder to hear.
"You wouldn't be if you would just act like you're happy."
"I can't act like that forever, Katniss. It's either I am happy or I'm not!"
"Then pick a side, Peeta. You're 22 years old, you'll be 23 in a few weeks and you're still acting like a kid. I know I'm childish most the time but when it comes to things like this I'm the mature one. We have a 1 year old daughter, Peeta. We have to be there for her." I remind him.
"I know that."
"Either I'll raise her by myself like I've been doing or we can do it together. We made her together so I think it's only fair we both help raise her." I say truthfully.
He sighs, "I think so too and I want to be here but I barely know what she's up to now a days. I don't even know what you guys have been up to lately."
"All you'd have to do is ask and I would tell you. And just because you're not sure of what she does now doesn't mean you can't pick back up on it."
"I'm fucking (5) horrible, Katniss. Who ignores their wife and kid for months at a time and then expects it to all be better?"
I ignore his first comment because honestly I think he is being 'fucking (6) horrible' but I won't tell him that.
"You don't expect it to be better but I'm going to make it better, but I'm not letting you leave me, Peeta. When you married me you promised you wouldn't leave and you're not going to." I state.
"Okay." He says and it's the 'Okay' that he uses when he just wants me to stop talking.
"No, it's not 'Okay.'" I say irritated, "We need to discuss this now." I say.
"Okay, then let's discuss it."
I roll my eyes and plop down at the island and he stands across from me, leaning against the counter, not daring to make any eye contact with me.
"I want you to quit acting like we are still teenagers, Peeta. We are parents and adults. We own a business too, we aren't kids anymore. And I know what it feels like to be depressed but it's been two years. I am horrible to say this but you need to try and let it go some. I mean besides on the actual dates of the accidents or whatever or if we are just really thinking about it one day, then we don't need to discuss it."
He nods.
"I think we seriously need to go back to not talking about anything bad from the past, things were a lot easier. I think that if we went back to that, it would be better." I tell him.
"I think so too but you know there's some days neither of us can take it."
"I know that and that's okay to occasionally dwell on it but to let it ruin our lives, to this day is overboard." I shrug.
He nods his head and I feel bad to be this way but I think over two years is long enough to be this upset over four people who could've cared less about you.
"Do you remember how you felt when I wouldn't come to bed after Prim died, or when I wouldn't do anything but stare at the tv? You felt like I was abandoning you all together?" I remind him.
"Yes." He whispers.
"That's what I feel like but a thousand times worse because you're my rock. You don't understand how hard it is to see the only person that keeps you together so hurt and helpless."
"I felt the same way when you were depressed."
"And do you want me to feel this way?"
"No, especially not for two damn years but I'm not as strong as you are, Katniss."
I sigh, "That has nothing to do with it."
"Maybe it doesn't. I don't know." He shrugs.
I groan.
"What?" He asks.
"You. You just make me want to pull out my hair and hug you at the same time." I say frustratedly.
"I'm sorry."
"Okay, so I'm gonna try to make this all short and simple." I start.
"Are you staying or not? If not just go now and get it over with." I say, fully prepared for him to walk away now but somehow in my heart I know that he will stay, but there's always a possibility.
Peeta takes a deep breath, "I want to stay. I just asked that because I wasn't sure you wanted me to after all of this." He says and I believe him 100%.
"No matter how mad you make me, I will always want you to stay with me." I say.
"Always." Peeta whispers and nods his head.
I close my eyes, "You either talk to me about your problems, or you go back to Mags no matter how much you hate her."
"I'll try talking to you and if it doesn't help I'll go back to Mags." He assures me.
I shrug, "You promise?"
"I promise."
"I want you to change the stupid schedule for the bakery. I want you to close at 2 o'clock. There's no need to be open later unless it's near a holiday or you have other stuff to do. Plus I don't see a need to be open all day long on weekends. 6 to noon is enough." I state. I'm not even budging on this.
"Alright." He says, surprisingly not putting up a fight.
"I want you to start helping me with Willow too. I can do everything else, dinner or whatever but it's hard cooking dinner plus doing everything else with a one year old who's curious about everything." I instruct him.
"Okay."
"I also want us to at least have an hour of alone time before bed."
He shrugs, "What else?"
"I want you to just be you again. Completely 100% you." I tell him quietly.
"What do you mean?"
"Remember a few Christmases ago when I was pregnant with Willow and you told me that you finally felt like yourself again?"
He nods.
"Were you lying?"
"No."
"Then find yourself again. Please? I know that you've changed a lot from when we were 16 to now. It's been 5 years but the old Peeta is still there. The Peeta that was so happy no matter what and always smiled and cracked a joke. My Peeta. The one who was 'ridiculously' happy, I miss him, even though I love the man you've become."
Peeta sighs and nods, walking around to me and he pulls me into another hug.
It's not just a hug, but a bear hug.
Warm and secure just the same.
He kisses my neck and his lips move to my ears, "I promise you, that I'll try my hardest." He whispers into my ear.
I close my eyes, "That's all that I ask. I just miss you, Peeta and I need you whether you believe it or not. Willow needs you too." I say honestly.
I just don't understand his thinking at all right now, about any of it. Not one lick. And I'm so frustrated at that and just because I'm speaking to him doesn't mean that I'm not still disappointed in him. I think I'm more disappointed that he doesn't know why he's doing any of this.
But I'm just gonna treat it like I need to and hope it fixes itself or that he's serious about getting better, because if he isn't, I really need to do something about it besides what I have done.
I was just hoping and praying that after Willow was born that it would be better but somehow it's possibly worse.
Nothing against Peeta, because he's my rock-no lie about that, but the good thing about this is that even when I have difficulties with Peeta, Willow is always there to make me laugh or smile and make me feel better.
And she's whose gotten me through the last few months.
***Fuck (7) I don't even know what the hell this is-sorry y'all 😂😂 anyways, GN