(A/N:) Hey everyone. First off, I just wanted to thank you for reading this far into my book and not giving up. Okay, so apparently, I couldn't come up with the appropriate title for this chapter, so it would be of much help if you can help me by suggesting one in the comment box below. You can also vote if you think that it's worth it!(;
Btw, that's George over there to the right.
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ONE MONTH LATER
I have been feeling very crappy for the past couple of weeks. I've had an increase rate of fatigue level, I've been getting headaches, feeling nauseated... I couldn't even stand for more than five minutes. My lower back's also been acting up. The worst part of it all was going to the bathroom, not to use it, but to vomit. I came to believe that I was bulimic because I was eating a lot, but the funny thing is that I wasn't ridding myself of the food---it came naturally.
My life was also very different than it had been a month ago. Now that Ashton and I barely talked, except for when it came to another physics project, I felt like a part of me was incomplete. I needed him to complete the other part of me, but what was the point of going to him just because I feel a type of way?
I thought about it for a second, I had missed my menstrual cycle. It was supposed to come two weeks ago. Then I remembered what Mr. Goodwill had done to me a month ago. I don't recall him utilizing a condom.
I started to panic.
I didn't know what to do.
Dad was downstairs, making food, and I was just in my room, reviewing for my AP physics test.
I shook my head at the very thought of it. No, I thought to myself. What are you, crazy? You must be stupid. You cannot be pregnant.
I kept being in denial, but I never knew for sure; I never took the test. I thought about it once more. Then Dad interrupted my thoughts.
"Ficah, Sweetie," he came into the room. He reached to touch my head, but I moved away.
"Don't touch me."
"Okay, well your food is ready," he said and he walked out.
I'm not going to eat, I thought to myself. For all I know, he's probably trying to get rid of me, too. And I may be responsible for a life inside of me.
I grabbed my keys. I went for a ride. I had, thankfully, already received my license.
"Dad, I'll come back whenever."
"What do you mean you'll come back whenever? It's 7PM."
"I just want to go for a drive."
"I will get rid of that car. You've been going for rides for the past month, and you leave me here to wonder where you go and what you are doing. Every time I tell you that food is ready, you go for a drive. What is up with that?"
"Dad, please. I need to go for a drive," I said and walked out. I did not even care about what he thought or did. I don't love him. He's not my father.
I got into the car and slammed the door shut. I started the engine but didn't go anywhere. A tear fell from my eyes at the thought of being pregnant. Me? Pregnant? All of the sudden my head and stomach started to ache. I grind my teeth; the agony was great. Despite my pain, I started to move the car.
I drove all the way to Ashton's house and parked in front of it. I started to admire it. I was there for the new year, just a couple of weeks ago, but then everything was different.
I shook my head and continued to drive. I made my way toward CVS pharmacy. I couldn't believe that I wasn't going there for some over-the-counter medication for my cramps, but for a pregnancy test.
"Hi, um, do you know where I can find a pregnancy test?" I asked a worker.
"Oh, for you?"
"No, it's for my sister; she's married and can possibly be pregnant," I lied. Why couldn't she just tell me where it was? Getting up front and personal with me. Besides, I don't look grown, and in the world we live in today, pregnant teens get judged, though their reason for being pregnant is unknown.
"Sure, right down the aisle and make a left."
"Okay, thank you," I said and marched away.
I bought two of them, just to be sure. When I got home, I went straight to the bathroom, saying nothing.
"Ficah, did you eat?" Dad called from downstairs.
I didn't even bother answering him.
Please, please, please, please let me not be pregnant! I whispered silently as I waited for my results from both tests. After approximately five minutes, I sighed. Okay, I thought to myself. I will reveal this...right now.
I held the sticks next to each other and looked down at them. They both had the plus sign highlighted in blue. I dropped them in disbelief. I rubbed my eyes and picked them up again. I must be dreaming! I felt my heart racing as if it were trying to burst open.
I, Ficah Rissa Cassio, was pregnant. At seventeen years old.
I don't know what college I will attend.
I don't have a stable job.
I never raised a child.
Yet I am pregnant with my own.
I was completely clueless about my future. I started to weep. I still couldn't believe it. I spent the whole night telling myself that I needed a third pregnancy test, and that I wanted to go to the doctor for this one.
Thankfully, the next day was a Sunday. I woke up, bathed and took my car to Dr. Earnest's office. I didn't know if she would keep this confidential, but I needed to know.
"Good morning, Dr. Earnest."
"Oh, hello, Ficah. Did I have an appointment with you? I don't recall."
"No, you didn't. I'm here for a different reason."
"Oh, sure. I'm free."
"Okay, remember that one time when I came to you last month, and you told me that I might have been raped?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
"Well, I think that I may be pregnant. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone, so please keep this confidential."
She nodded. "I understand. Honey, you have to start thinking about your choices and options."
"I know, I know. I just wanted to make sure that I am actually pregnant, though. I need a test result from you. I already took two tests from the pharmacy, but I refuse to believe that I am pregnant."
"Ahh, denial. Okay," she nodded. "Here," she handed me a little plastic container. "Urinate in this and bring it back."
APPROX. HALF AN HOUR LATER...
"Ficah, come back to the room, please," she said from her doorway.
"Yes, doc?"
"Ficah," she started. She looked very pitiful. "You have to start thinking about your options," she slowly nodded.
I gasped. "No," I shook my head. "Tell me you're joking."
"Ficah, you have to face it. There's nothing that I can do."
There's a living child inside of me. I started to weep at the very thought of it. Dr. Earnest did not know what to do. She came over to me, sat on the armrest of my chair, and rocked me in her arms as if she were my own mother. It made me cry more, knowing that I could have had a mother to caress me just the way that she's doing it.
"I am so sorry, baby. This shouldn't have happened to you." Her words weren't making me feel any better. If anything, they were making me feel worse.
What did I ever do to deserve this? I don't know, but it better be a damn good reason.
After the ten minutes of straight crying and Dr. Earnest's endeavor to keep me tranquil, I went home. I managed to drive home safely with my weary eyes and massive headache.
"Ficah, what's the matter, baby?" George asked in a smooth, reassuring voice, seeing my red eyes.
I stared at him. I could not believe that this was the man that I had loved with all my heart. The man that I would have taken a bullet for. At that moment, I was wishing there was a bullet around. I brushed that thought away. Though he's the cause of this, I couldn't find myself holding it against him.
Totally ignoring him, I went upstairs to my room and sat on my bed. I started to pinch myself, in hopes that it would wake me up from this horrifying nightmare. Unfortunately, I was awake, and the pinches just hurt.
"Ficah," George came into my room. "Ficah, I've noticed that you've been weird and different lately. You've been in the bathroom a lot, you've been crying a lot, you've never smiled... I'm worried about you, Hon."
I ignored him because I couldn't bring myself to speak. I was always told, "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all." Since I was genuinely a nice girl, I never thought that I would have to apply that saying. I kept ignoring him.
"Ficah, answer me when I am talking to you."
I did not even move my lips.
For a split second, I saw his hand move, but I barely noticed it coming my way. I felt the breeze in the air, and I felt my cheek sizzle. I gasped as I fell backward on my bed. I touched my cheek, but I couldn't feel anything because it was numb. My eyes widened as I held my cheek, sobbing. He had frowns lined up in his forehead. I looked at his hand; it was red, proving how hard he'd hit me.
"You've been ignoring me for the past month or so, and I am sick and tired of your attitude. If you won't clean up your act, get up and leave my dwelling," he pointed to the door.
I looked at him. I got up and started to pack my stuff. I didn't know where I was going, but I was not going to stay here.
"Ficah, where are you going?"
Ignored.
Tears were streaming down my face, but I really didn't care.
"Ficah, I am so sorry."
I started to shake my head. Sorry wouldn't cut it.
"Ficah, please do not ignore me. Please talk to me. This hurts me a lot."
"It hurts you?" I asked. I could not even make out the words that I was saying. "It hurts you? You have no idea what hurts. No idea what I felt a month ago. No idea what I've been holding in. No idea what I am currently going through. So you have nothing, absolutely nothing, to be complaining about. Absolutely nothing. I've been through hell and back and back and back. It's a shame for me to blame my own father for my suffering."
"Ficah, I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. Please, enlighten me."
I turned around and kept packing. I had no respect for the man that stood in front of me.
"Baby, I am sorry for my ruthless actions. Please stay here."
"No. I'm not staying here. I don't care what you say, but I am not staying here."
"Okay, I give up. You can go wherever you want, most likely to that Ashton guy, but I will be waiting right here when you get back. And when you do come back, I will tell you four words, 'I told you so.'"
"You're never going to see me again." I tried to stay as strong as possible, but I couldn't. "What happened? You've become so angry. So... ambitious. You've ruined my life; your ambition has ruined my life. I have no future. And because of you, I am going to spend the rest of my young years raising someone. I will keep you and your negative ways out of every second of this baby's life." I was determined to die, not letting George catch a glimpse of my child. "Over my dead body will you ever even see this child."
"Ficah, what child are you talking about?"
"What child? You want to know what child? Your grandchild. I am carrying your grandchild."
"What?"
"Yeah, Dad, don't act like you don't know what this is about. I'm pregnant, and there's nothing you can do about it. You cannot go back in time. I am so done with you." I finished packing my stuff. I took my car to Chase, where I check how much money I had saved.
"You have five hundred dollars, madam."
"Okay, can I withdraw two fifty?"
"Sure. Please let me see some ID and sign here."
I showed her my driver's license and signed.
"Swipe your card, please."
I swiped it, and almost immediately, she gave me 250 dollars.
"Thank you," I smiled ambiguously.
"Miss!" She called.
I turned around. "Yes?"
"I couldn't help but notice, is everything okay?"
I smiled and nodded. "Yes, I am okay, thanks."
"You're welcome."
"Umm, I was wondering, is it possible for me to speak with you in private for about five minutes?"
"I'm sorry, but this is as private as it could get. I cannot leave my booth in case there's a customer in need of some assistance. I can shut off my camera, and since there's no one else here, we can talk," she turned her camera off.
"Um, do you know where I can find a motel?"
"Yeah, there's a motel not too far from here. Go down the street, make a right, keep walking for about three blocks, make a left and there you are."
"Okay, cool."
"Right, so back to my question, is everything okay?"
I shook my head. I couldn't keep pretending that this wasn't happening because it was, and I was going to have to face it. "I am seventeen, and I have been raped and am pregnant. I am lost, mentally, running away from my own father." Telling my feelings to a stranger actually made me feel better.
"Oh my gosh. I am so sorry to hear that."
I shook my head."You don't know half the story."
"Oh, I know! There's a support group that my child's been to for bullying. It saved her life. There are people there who's been raped, bullied, abused, and the best part is that no one judges anyone. They're all there for the same reasons: to help and support one another. You should check it out," she gave me the number.
I stared at the post-it. "Thank you very much."
Before she could have said anything else, I was in my car. I tried to start the car, but it refused to start. I checked the gas meter, and I was completely out. Out of rage, I slapped the steering wheel a couple of times before getting out and slamming the door.
I started to walk. I did exactly as the lady at the booth told me, and I came face-to-face with the motel. The only neon lights that were on from the sign that read 'MOTEL' were the M and the T. The O and E were flickering on and off, and the L was completely shut.
Well, there goes the rest of my life. I thought to myself. I struggled with my huge luggage and managed to get them inside.
"How many days can I stay here with two hundred and fifty dollars?"
"Ten."
"Ten? Do you guys offer free food?"
"No, you have to buy your own. We do have a fridge and a microwave. This is just a place to sleep."
"Oh, gosh," I said and dug inside my pocketbook. I found a ten dollar bill. "Okay, can I get the ten days, please."
"Sure, what's your name?"
I gave her the appropriate information.
"Thank you. Here's your key."
"Thanks." I took it and started toward my room: 255. I got into my room and sighed. It was way worse than what my old apartment had been. There was dust all over, the walls were cracked, and it was just disgusting. It seems as if someone hadn't been in there for a million years.
I shrieked and hopped on the bed in the sight of an oversized rat that ran across the floor.
"Oh my gosh. This cannot be life."
I managed to get on the floor and beat lightly on my pillows and bed. Thankfully no dust was on the bed. I changed the sheets on the bed, the curtain, and I put some of my clothes in the small, tight closet. I took literally all I had with me because I did not plan on going back. I cleaned my dresser and fixed my bathroom. Everything looked more normal now.
Now, I thought, getting rid of that rat and its possible family. I thought about it for a second. Getting rid of that rat and its family was like getting rid of me and my child. Great. This baby is going to make me view this world in a totally different way. But I cannot be compared to a rat. I chuckled. I hunted for the rat, but I couldn't find it.
I gave up, sucked my teeth and turned the television on to CW11. It was the only channel I watched anyway. I sat back, eating a bag of potato chips. I still couldn't believe that I was pregnant. And eating a bag of potato chips? That's nowhere near enough for my baby! I needed to nourish myself and my child properly. I would have to eat a whole lot more now.
With my thoughts, I got out of my room and walked toward the lady at the front desk. "Ma'am, do you happen to have ten dollars that you can spare? Please. I am preg-"
"No, I'm sorry. I cannot give money to anyone because people around here get money and do things like buy drugs with it. I would get fired if my boss found out."
"You're sorry? You... You... Okay." The fact that she didn't even let me finish...
"I'm sorry."
I turned and walked away with my head held high. I was not going to sink into beggary.
On the way back to my room, I saw a lady sitting in front of my door, lighting a cigarette.
"Umm, excuse me!"
"What?" She looked up at me recklessly.
"Can you please not smoke around here? There's a no smoking sign," I pointed to the sign. I mean, I don't blame her; it was rusted and barely legible.
"Does it look like I give two shits?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," I tried to be as nice as possible around these dangerous people. "I'm pregnant, and I don't know what secondhand smoking can do to my child." Though I knew nothing about being pregnant and what to avoid or not, I knew that I had to be extra careful.
"Well, my bad," she said and tucked the cigarette into the box.
"Do you happen to have any money that you can spare? Any whatsoever?"
She opened the door to her room next door and slammed it.
"Great." I whispered. I got into my room and kept watching the movie I had been watching previously. My stomach growled. "Gosh."
There was a knock on my door. I picked up an old baseball bat that was sitting in the corner of the room. I held it behind my back and opened the door. It was the lady that had been sitting there prior to my arrival.
"May I come in?" She asked.
"Umm, sure, okay." I let her in. She did not seem harmful.
"Wow, you fixed this place up nice; my room looks nothing like this. Neither does any other room that I've seen, and I'm pretty well known around here."
She had really reddish hair that was thinning and all over the place. Her skin was leathery, and her teeth were bright yellow, and she was missing a couple. It seemed as if she was smoking and drinking for a long time. She had huge, dark bags under her eyes with wrinkles at the corners.
"Yeah, I did some cleaning up."
"So, you asked me for money?"
"Well, I needed some money."
"Why?"
"I need food."
"So, why aren't you at home eating? You seem pretty young to me, and being in this motel by yourself? No, I don't approve."
"I was just trying to get away from my dad."
"Well, I'm Gretchen," she held her hand out. I debated whether to shake it or not. I didn't want to seem rude, so I did end up shaking it.
"I'm Ficah."
"Pleased to meet you, Ficah. So, what brought you around here?"
"Well let's just say that I am tired of living with my dad and letting him walk all over me. I think it's time for me to be independent."
"And how old are you, Ficah?"
"Seventeen... I just turned 17 in December."
"What caused you to wanna be independent? I mean, people are begging their parents to not be independent."
"Well, my malicious father is a jerk. And I got tired of him always bossing me around and questioning me. He's the reason why I'm here."
"Wow, I can't imagine. Did you eat anything?"
"No, I haven't eaten much for the past two days, but I found out that I am pregnant just earlier."
"Two days... Do you want to go for a drive? I know this really good restaurant..."
"Sure."
I got my phone that was charging, and we got into Gretchen's old, red, beat up pickup truck.
"I don't promise that you will love it, but food is food."
"Yeah, I agree."
Gretchen took me to Natalie's restaurant, it was called. We sat at a table for two.
"What do you want?"
"I'll eat whatever you're eating as long as it's not too expensive. I don't want you to sp-"
"Girl, be quiet. I don't need this little speech from you. Waiter!"
The man came over.
"I'll have two orders of lobster in crab sauce, two fried half chicken over white rice. As a drink, I want an organic mango juice for her and a peach Snapple for me."
"Okay."
"Thank you so much, Gretchen! You're a really good person."
"Don't mention it, girl."
I smiled.
"Sounds like you're going through a rough time," Gretchen said after a long, awkward silence.
"I kind of am, but I like to think of this as a dream."
"Hm, if it makes you feel better, my life's also been crappy. I've been married five different times to five assholes. I have fifteen kids in totally with those douchebags. They all left me, and I got shared custody between me and them, regarding our children. They all moved on and got married and are all living a better life than the crappy one that I am living now. My children are all grown. I was a prostitute, trying to make some extra cash to raise them. I've been busted and taken to prison twice for prostitution. None of them wanted to call me Mom. None of them wanted anything to do with me, period, because they would be known as the children at school whose mother was a strumpet. They told me that they hated me. They wished I was dead. They wished they weren't born. And yeah. They're all living their lives, and I'm just here."
"I am so sorry. They should have seen you as a mother, willing to do anything for her children, not as a whore."
"What can I say?"
After she told me her life story, our food came. Never in my life have I seen such beautiful food. It was probably the fact that I was hungry.
I took the food and swallowed it whole. I barely recall chewing on the grains of rice. The food was delicious.
"Girl, take your time!" Gretchen smiled.
"I have to get back. I still have school tomorrow." I looked at the time, and it'd already been eight o'clock.
"You still goin' to school? Girl, you're going to make me proud one day."
I smiled.
"Listen, you ever need anything, you give me a call. Get my number."
I reached into my pocket and punched in her number. "Thanks again for the food," I said and sipped my juice.
The tab came. I tried to see how much money it came out to be, but she refused to let me see.
"Girl, you come here, you eat, you leave. You ain't got to worry about no money. Ain't nobody got time for that. C'mon. Let's head back home."
When we got home, I rushed to my room.
"Wait, do you need a ride to school tomorrow?"
She reminded me very much of Ashton.
"I would appreciate a ride. Pick me up at nine."
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The next day...
I got up and rushed to the bathroom. I had realized that it'd already been 8:45. Gretchen was going to be here in fifteen minutes, and I couldn't keep her waiting. I checked the weather. Eighteen degrees. I shook my head and piled my clothing onto me.
"You better put a hat on... It's freezing cold outside," Gretchen said in the doorway.
I reached into one of my suitcases and pulled out an 'NYC' hat. When we got outside, it was so cold that I felt cold inside my own jacket.
-----
"Okay, girly. I'll see ya later. Would you like me to come get you, too?"
"If you would like, but I need a favor from you preferably after school," I told her, getting out.
"We can talk about it later."
"Okay," I waved and rushed inside. Sweet heat!
-----
I got into class thirty minutes before the bell.
"Would you look who's extremely early," Mr. Freedman exclaimed.
"So what goes on?" Sabrina asked me.
"Oh, nothing much. I just want to be home right now under a blanket and enjoying a hot cup of chocolate."
"I agree. So, did you do Freedman's homework?"
"Oh, that ten-page long essay? Yeah, I did it. It's not printed though, so I'm going to have to email it to him."
"Ooh, you better ask him right now because Freedman doesn't accept late work,"
"Mr. Freedman?"
"Yes?"
"Can I email you my work? I did it but it's not printed."
"You know my email address, but I need it by five o'clock today."
"Oh, really? Thanks."
"So, what's going on in your life?"
"I met this really nice lady named Gretchen."
"Oh, cool. Tell me about her."
------
During AP physics, we had a test. It was still awkward sitting next to each other, Ashton and I. I finished my exam early and asked to use the restroom. There, I called Gretchen.
"I need someone to talk to. I am suffering from heartache."
"Oh, do you need me to come down there and beat someone?"
"No." I told her the whole story about Ashton from the time we met to the time when we broke up.
"That's one sad story, but you know what, he doesn't know what you're going through. When do you plan on telling him?"
"I don't know. I don't even think that I am going to. Everything is just complicated right now."
"I know what you mean. But if you guys were meant to be, you'll find some way to get back together. You know how the saying goes."
"Yeah, yeah. 'If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be.'"
"Thank you, Gretchen. You honestly made me feel better."
"Whatchyou think I'm here for?"
I smiled and hung up the phone.
I got back to class and took my seat.
"You're still not going to tell me why?" Ashton whispered.
I smiled.
He still cares.
I'll tell you eventually babe, I thought, but I ignored him.