I ran out of there, I couldn't handle it.
My heart was pounding so hard, I could practically feel it make contact with my rib cage. Each painful beat worse than the other. My head was aching, it was impossible to focus. I struggled to find a place where I could calm down, everywhere I turned there was people. I struggled to find a place where I could just breathe.
Finally I saw something that said "stairs to the roof, restricted"
I didn't care.
Almost tripping over the heels that remained on my feet, I claimed the stairs. I didn't care how long it took me to get upstairs, or how many stairs there actually were, I just needed to escape.
The night sky was pitch black, not once star remaining. It was raining lightly but I didn't care. I ran to the corner of the roof and sat down, my back against the cold brick. I slid down the ice wall, I crossed my legs and placed my hands in my face. I couldn't stand it.
I couldn't stand to think about how Levi knew.
I couldn't stand to think about how Emma would do this to me.
I couldn't stand to think about how I almost told him I liked him.
He could never know that I liked him. Even if he did like me back. He deserved someone better than me, he deserved a normal, perfectly healthy girlfriend and I couldn't be that for him. Everything was wrong in my life. My life was a mess and I couldn't ever fix it. My life destroyed, it had been destroyed since I turned fourteen. I'm never going to be a normal girl, why would I even try to convince myself that?
I sat there for a while, my legs crossed, my hair getting soaked, my face in my hands.
Today was supposed to be a good day.
It was one of the worst.
Before I knew it however, the rooftop door opened, the yellow light slightly escaping as it opened. It slammed closed, causing me to flinch slightly. I didn't look up from my hands to see who it was. I didn't want anybody to see me. I felt a soft material drape over my arms. I think it was someone's blazer, it smelled like cologne. I looked up to see Levi sat besides me, sat in the exact same position as me.
I wiped my tears away, extremely grateful that Eliza had asked for all my makeup to be waterproof, of course my under eyes were probably still a little black considering waterproof makeup never worked properly, but it must've looked better than if my makeup wasn't waterproof.
"I'm sorry" I whispered, my voice hoarse.
"Why are you sorry for?" Levi asked looking into my eyes.
I shook my head, sniffling slightly "I didn't want you to find out like this. I should've told you"
Levi shook his head, along with mine "You should never feel the need to tell anybody something that's personal to you"
I took a shaking breath in, shivering slightly "How are you taking this so well?" I asked, completely confused. "I've never explained anything to you. I've never explained why I lived with my aunt, I've never explained why I don't like hugs, I've never explained why I didn't say next you on the bed. You never asked me once. Why?"
He sighed "You want the truth?"
I nodded.
"I already knew" he answered as my eyes widened. "Nobody told me. But it wasn't hard to figure out. You never had any pictures in your room, just the one with you a man and a woman, your parents. There was only one and you were young in it. I know you don't get travel sick, your claustrophobic. That's why you never sat next to me on the bed. That's why your breathing rate increased when we took pictures. I know you get nightmares, I know you can't sleep at night. Sometimes you come to school completely I'll dark circles under your eyes. They're not there for no reason" he continued
I closed my eyes "This is like last time. When you figured out that Miss Edmund was previously married" I answered
"Yeah" he nodded "My brain puts things together quickly."
"If you knew, then why are you still around me?" I asked, another tear slipping down my cheek.
He raised his hand and wiped it away with his thumb "Because that doesn't matter to me"
I shook my head "It should" I replied "Why would you hang around with a girl who doesn't have her life together, despite being almost eighteen?"
He stared into my eyes "You don't get it, do you?" He asked me "You have your life together more than anybody I know. You know what you want, you know what's right and wrong, you know what's kind and what's not" he concluded.
I put my hands in my face one again "That isn't what counts. My life's a mess. I'm a mess"
"You are not a mess Juliette" He reminded me, his hands grabbing my wrists softly and making me look up. "You are far from a mess"
"What have you figured out about me?" I questioned
He bit his lip "I know that you have claustrophobia, I know you have post traumatic stress disorder. I also know that you get panic attacks as a consequence for both. But you don't have depression. I don't know if you used to have it, but you don't have it right now".
I looked into his deep blue eyes, and for the first time I was able to process that he was just in his shirt whilst I was wearing his blazer. "I was diagnosed with depression. I never accepted that I had it. I used to think that depression would be a step in the right direction" I whispered. "They make me take depression medicine anyway, they tell me I'm clinically diagnosed with it. I wish I was"
"Why would you tell yourself that?" He asked.
"Because I never felt anything. I didn't use to feel anything and I hated it" I answered, crying.
"I've spent ages, trying to figure out why. I couldn't. Why?" He asked, his voice light, soft.
"I was fourteen. We were going to watch a movie, it wasn't something that I was too fond of but I went anyway, it was something that my dad enjoyed. It was a rainy day, and we took the way with no traffic. I don't remember much, mostly just flashing images, all that I can remember in clear detail was that somebody was stood in front of the car, of course my dad swerved to avoid the person, but it flipped around, it was upside down for ages. I was at the back. I was the only conscious one" I started my words getting caught in my throat.
"You don't have to tell me anymore" He said.
"You deserve to know" I replied "I didn't get to tell you about my conditions. I wanted to tell you about this before somebody else did"
He nodded.
"I think the person my dad swerved to avoid called the ambulance. I was stuck there for ages, I felt like I couldn't breath. The doctors think that's when I developed the claustrophobia. I was pulled out through the window. It was hard to undo the set belt" I paused "I haven't told anyone this before but" I started before getting interrupted.
"Juliette you don't have to" Levi stated
"I need to" I replied
"I'm not claustrophobic Levi" I answered shaking my head. "Everybody thinks I'm claustrophobic. Mostly because I let them believe it. It's much easier to tell them that than what was the truth. When I got pulled out of the car, I remember so many hands on my, I remember not being able to breath. I'm not afraid of small spaces, I mean. I am. But the reasons why it can't hug anybody except from Eliza or Jordan is because I'm afraid of people. Every time I come in contact with people, I can't help but be reminded of what had happened that night. It's stupid I know" I continued, shaking my head.
"It's not stupid" He answered. "Don't ever say that"
"Of course it is" I replied, the tears streaming down my face. "What's stupid is that I was going to tell you I liked you" I replied bitterly. "Like you would like a broken girl like me"
He paused for a moment "You like me?"
I nodded, feeling more than embarrassed, it was as if there was no filter between my brain and my mouth "It's stupid, I know"
He shook his head, changing positions so he sat in front of me. "I-I Juliette, I" he stuttered, clearly attempting to find a way to let me down easily.
"Stop" I whispered. "It's okay, I knew you wouldn't say it back, I didn't blurt it out for pity"
"No. Juliette you're wrong, I like you. Please don't think otherwise." He begged "I'm just surprised, I didn't think you did"
I sniffled "Please don't be saying this because of the position I'm in right now"
"No, I would never" he said quietly "Is this where I get to ask you out?" He questioned, cracking a slight smile.
"No" I sighed "This is where you turn around and forget about me"
He froze "Why would I ever do that?"
I smiled up at him, hesitantly looking into his blue eyes "Because you deserve somebody better"
He shook his head, grabbing my hands from my lap and holding them "There is nobody better. Juliette I want you"
I smiled, wiping a tear "You deserve somebody normal. Somebody who can hug you, somebody who can kiss you. Somebody who won't have a panic attack when you touch them. Someone like Katherine, I know she wants to get back together with you"
"No" he denied "I don't want to get back with her. Juliette I don't want Katherine. I want you"
"Levi, this is better for you, I don't want you to be dragged down with me. Katherine can give you everything I can't"
"You're not dragging me down" He replied sternly "What can Katherine give me that you can't?"
I sighed "Everything. Normality. Love. Happiness. You can hold her hand without witnessing a panic attack"
"Juliette I'm holding your hand right now. I walked you down the stairs, I danced with you. You had never had a panic attack."
"But I will. I don't want you to go through that. You need someone normal" I pleaded
"Juliette" He stopped "I'm not normal"
I smiled "You're as close as it gets"
"Were you there when I broke up with Katherine?"
I nodded
"Do you remember her saying something about how my secrets had affected her?" He asked
I nodded once again "Everybody has secrets Levi" I reminded
"Not everybody has ADHD" he interrupted as my heart stopped.
"What?" I croaked
"I told Katherine because I thought I could trust her. I'm telling you because I know I can trust you. I've had ADHD since I was young, it's something that I've had to live with. I never used to take my pills, I never thought it was important. But then I met you. I knew that you were trying so hard to be normal, to be accepted" he stared at me "I wanted to do the same"
"Is that why you didn't want me to come to your house?" I asked "Because your family would bring it up?"
He chuckled "Partially. But mostly because they all loved Katherine and seeing me with another girl would raise suspicion"
"Why didn't you tell me about your ADHD?" I asked, although I knew it was a completely hypocritical question.
"Why didn't you want me to know about everything else?" He smiled slightly
"I wanted to be treated normally. You were the only person who treated me like an ordinary person. I didn't want to change that" I shrugged
"I promise not to treat you like you're diseased, book girl." He swore as I smiled.
"Thank you" I whispered.
"Can I ask you out now? Considering I'm never going to have normality in my life, I might as well be stuck with you" He teased as I laughed a little bit.
I nodded "You might as well be stuck with me"
"Juliette?" He asked
"Hmm?" I hummed in response.
I didn't exactly process what he said after that, I don't think he actually said something. He just leaned forwards, he lightly cupped my cheek with his right hand. His lips found mine, and although I could feel my heart pound against my chest, I didn't exactly mind. His lips were soft against mine, moving slowly and hesitantly.
He finally pulled away, not long after his lips touched mine, and I knew for a fact that my cheeks were bright red. But I didn't exactly mind considering the tips of his ears were glowing red.
"Will you be my girlfriend?" He asked, taking me completely by surprise.
I'm pretty sure my heart stopped, but I was still living and I didn't know how. "Don't you have to ask me on a date first?" I questioned hesitantly.
He shrugged "I couldn't wait that long"
I smiled "then yes" I nodded before sneezing.
Way to ruin the fucking moment
He chuckled "Let's get you out of the rain"
Written: 09/10/15
Posted: 13/02/16
Hey guys! I'm back an entire chapter early, but I think you guys know why ;). I'm also extremely happy with this chapter. Fun fact: this entire chapter had been planned since I first came up with the idea of the book. I originally came up with this story by imagining this entire scene, a girl and a boy getting together on a roof top when it's pouring rain, it would be a bitter sweet moment. And thus my story was born which I'm actually extremely proud of. I'm really happy I stuck with the original idea and I hope you guys are too.