ERIN
He looked surprised to see me standing there and I couldn't blame him. Last night he basically told me to stay away, and now I was showing up at his door, panting and out of breath. I pushed my sweaty hair off my forehead and left my hand there, trying to calm myself down, but my heart was hammering away and I couldn't seem to get it under control. I wasn't sure how long I'd been running for; I lost track of time, but each step helped me keep it together. With each slap of my sneaker against the pavement I managed to push my problems further away.
And then I found myself there.
At his house.
About to come undone.
Jasper threw open the screen door and I stumbled back onto the grass. My legs were like jelly, overcome by the emotion I attempted to crush beneath my rubber soles. The world swirled around me and everything blurred out of focus. I almost went crashing down, but without missing a beat Jasper rushed forward and swooped me up in his arms at the exact moment my legs gave in.
I collapsed against him and he held me tightly as he carried me inside, repeatedly assuring me that everything would be okay. The absurdity of me ending up at Jasper's when he specifically told me to stay away gnawed at me. I wanted to say something. I wanted to explain that this was all a stupid mistake, that I hadn't meant to end up at there, but I couldn't make myself speak. My throat was dry and I was afraid I might throw up if I opened my mouth. I had exerted myself more than I was emotionally or physically capable of, and my body was shutting down on me.
Jasper placed me on a large sofa in a homey, pale blue, country-themed living room that was probably decorated by his grandmother. His eyes swept over me, taking in my haphazard outfit, the shorts and tank I slept in last night, his flannel shirt swallowing me whole, and a pair of sneakers on my otherwise bare feet. His eyebrows drew together and I could only imagine what I looked like to him, but I honestly didn't have it in me to care. I was more embarrassed that I was there, that I had somehow unconsciously let myself run right to him even though he didn't want me to. It was stupid of me.
Jasper told me he'd be right back and reappeared seconds later with a bottle of water. I tried to take it from him, but simply didn't have the energy. He hiked up his faded jeans and squatted down in front of me, holding it up to my lips, and I greedily gulped it down. When the water started dribbling down my chin, he pulled the bottle back and scanned my face.
"Better?" he asked, easing my head back down on the cushion. I only could bring myself to nod but it didn't make the worry leave his eyes. He turned towards the other end of the sofa, his blue t-shirt stretching over his muscles as he lifted my right ankle up into his hands. I cringed at the movement, the soreness of my body finally hitting me.
Jasper undid my shoelace, like I was a child, and then slowly peeled off my sneaker. I flinched as the blisters that developed on my foot stung when the air hit them. I didn't look, but the small noise Jasper made sucking in his breath told me how bad it was. I hadn't stopped this whole time and now he was forcing me to.
"What are you doing to yourself Erin?"
I wanted to tell him this wasn't about us. I wanted to tell him that I understood last night when he told me we couldn't get involved, but none of that seemed to matter anymore, not after Lexi. All I could think about was my sister, what possibly happened to her, and how awful I'd been. I just needed to be with someone and for some reason Jasper felt right. It was rash decision and obviously a stupid one. He took off my other shoe and I stayed quiet.
"Have some more water." He handed me the bottle and this time I was able to lift my hands and hold it with his help. When I was done, he put it down on the coffee table and turned back and faced me. He was frowning and I was sure he thought I was some kind of nutcase. Maybe I was.
"I should go." I croaked the words out and my face only held half the embarrassment I felt. For the first time I was actually relieved that I was beet red because it helped cover my raging blush.
As I moved to get up, Jasper put his hands down on my legs and stopped me. "You're not going anywhere Erin, not yet. You're overheated and dehydrated. You need to relax and let your body cool down. I'll drive you back in a bit, but for now you just need to rest."
"I'm fine Jasper, really. I just overdid it." I knew I wasn't convincing him, but I still had to try. He didn't want me here. I made a mistake in coming.
"I'm not arguing with you Erin, and there's no way in hello you're going to make it back on your own. So you can either call someone to come and pick you up, or you can wait, let yourself have a moment, and I'll drive you back."
He wasn't leaving me with much of a choice. I couldn't call Mary, Lexi, or Will. Everyone was dealing with heavier stuff right now and didn't need the inconvenience. And he was right; I wouldn't be able to make it back home on my own, not with how I felt. I narrowed my eyes at him, conceding, but not liking it a bit as I laid my head back down on the sofa.
Jasper lifted his hands towards me, stopped, and then swung his eyes to mine. He looked nervous as he gestured towards his flannel that I was still wearing. "Let's get that off of you."
I held my breath as he slowly reached towards me. My eyes dipped down and I watched his fingers gently grip the material and strip the shirt off of me. His fingers sent a cool sensation over my skin and I found myself missing it the moment it was gone but tried my best to convince myself that I didn't. He dropped the shirt on the floor and I laid back, very conscious of the fact that I was now just in the shorts and tank top I'd slept in. I wasn't wearing a bra and noticed Jasper's gaze wandering up my bare legs and over my chest. Fighting the natural instinct to hide myself, I let his eyes linger. I couldn't help the part of me that liked it.
His eyes met mine and he abruptly pulled them away from me and stood up. He stepped back, clearing his throat as he did. "I'll be right back."
He didn't look at me and kept his head down while he walked into the other room, and I watched him leave, berating myself for about the millionth time for showing up here. It was obvious this was uncomfortable for him, but Jasper wasn't the kind of guy who would ever be outright rude and tell me to leave. I dropped my hand on my forehead and closed my eyes, trying to think of a way out of this.
When Jasper came back into the room I blinked up at him. He had a small bucket and a first aid kit in his hands and I pushed myself up from the sofa, eyeing him suspiciously. He paused and gave me an apologetic shrug.
"I've got to take care of your feet. I promise you they'll feel better when I'm done."
"Jasper, you don't have to do all this. You can just drive me home. My sisters can--"
"Not until you rest first." He continued over to me and placed the supplies around us. "You know Erin, not every spontaneous thing you do has to end up with you kicking yourself later."
His expression softened for a second and he shook his head as he sat down on the other end of the sofa. He gently lifted my legs onto his lap and when his cool fingers grasped my skin, I wondered what would be worse, kicking myself later or regretting something forever. I was sure there wasn't any contest.
Jasper leaned over the side of the couch and dipped a small washcloth into the bucket. "We've got to clean these first." He pressed the warm, wet washcloth against my skin using the lightest amount of pressure, and I ducked my eyes away, too mortified by the intimacy of all this. Every connection he made with me had my body prickling with anticipation for something I ultimately would never have, and I hated myself for wanting something to happen despite what Jasper said, and for knowing it never would. Everything about this situation was unfair and I had willingly gotten myself more twisted up in it by showing up here.
"I feel like a fool."
I didn't realize I'd spoken out loud until Jasper replied, "You aren't a fool. It may not have been the brightest idea to go for a run at this time of day with a flannel on, but I've done dumber things."
His casual brush off of my idiocy made me smile and I looked back over at him. Jasper was bent over my feet, his face screwed up in concentration while he meticulously cleaned them. The blisters burned and the skin around them tightened as they dried, and my body felt stiff too.
"So are you going to tell me what's going on, or are we going to pretend like this never happened?" Jasper turned his head and quirked an eyebrow at me. I was tempted to tell him that we were going to pretend like it never happened. I knew Jasper would let it slide. If I chose for us to ignore the whole thing, he'd play along, but that only made me want to confide in him all the more.
"I did something awful," I admitted, staring straight into his ocean blue eyes like they were my own personal confessional. He rested his hand on my ankle and a shiver ran up my leg settling in my core and I tore my eyes away from him and looked down at my hands, trying to distract myself.
"What did you do?"
"My sister," I took an uneven breath, "Lexi. I found out that she and my best friend Will were sleeping together and I went kind of crazy. You know how I told you there were all these rumors in town about Lexi?" Jasper nodded. "Well, I basically implied that they were all true."
I couldn't tell him the worst part, the part where I discovered how much of a victim Lexi was in all those rumors, and how Mark Stuben possibly hurt her. I hadn't spoken to Lexi yet, and it wasn't my place to say anything to anyone else.
"Have you apologized to her?"
I shook my head. "She ran off before I could say anything and then Mary went after her."
"Why were you upset that she was sleeping with Will?"
"Because it crosses all sorts of boundaries." My voice was hoarse and defensive even though I didn't want it to be. "Listen," I explained, "if Will was a girl and sleeping with my brother I'd be just as angry. Best friends don't do that to each other, and they especially don't keep it a secret if they do."
"Is that why you're mad, because they kept it a secret? Or is it something else?"
If it was something else I didn't know why he'd care. He told me there were no possibilities here, but I still shook my head. "I'm definitely mad that it was kept from me. It makes me feel stupid; I'm not sure why. But mostly I'm just worried that it's going to end badly."
"Why do you think that?" He applied some clear ointment to the tip of his finger and lightly brushed it across the wounds on my feet. The sensation was an indescribable mixture of both pleasure and pain and my pulse kicked up a notch.
"Most relationships do," I whispered. "And it only makes it worse that it's Lexi. She's got a history of bailing on things and the scary thing is I think Will really likes her. I'm worried he's going to get hurt."
I don't mention the added pressure she's probably now under since we all found out that something had happen. It wouldn't surprise me if Lexi had already taken off. We all had patterns of dealing with things and I was worried that after how I behaved Lexi would cut me out for good. I'd deserve it. I took everything out on her-- the betrayal I felt over Will, the unjustness I felt over things with Jasper, and even worse, how angry I was at myself. It was unforgivable, and as much as Lexi drove me insane, it would kill me not to have her in my life at all.
"Lexi pushes people away," I mumbled.
Jasper gave me a pointed look and then went back to my feet. I propped myself up on the pillows and glared over at him. "What?" I had seen that look!
His shoulders dropped and he glanced back at me with a bemused expression that I found highly irritating. "I just think you push people away too."
My face scrunched up and I began to shake my head. "I don't push people away. I--"
"Erin," he interrupted, "from what you've told me you've only got one friend. You have a rocky relationship with your sisters, and you've never let anyone get close to you--"
"Just because I haven't had sex with someone doesn't mean I don't let people get close to me! I'm not some frigid robot! I've had boyfriends--" I shot back but Jasper cut me off.
"For how long? How close did you get with them? And I'm not talking about sex Erin, I'm talking about intimacy. You told me yourself you've never been in love, but do you really want to be the one standing in the way of your sister and your best friend? Shouldn't they at least get a chance to explore whatever it is that they've got going on before you come along and shut it down?"
I dropped back on the cushions behind me and glared at Jasper mostly because he made some points I'd rather have not heard, but also because I thought he was being a little hypocritical. After all, wasn't he the one who shut us down?
"What's wrong with shutting something down when you know it'll only get messy for those involved?" I smirked and Jasper looked up from my feet. His face told me he knew what I was implying but his eyes searched mine for my intentions. I didn't care. He couldn't call me out for the very same thing he was doing.
"It's different Erin."
I stared over at his handsome face and wished with all my heart that it really was different.