**
L A U R E N
Here we go again. The most dreadful time of the week was Monday morning. All week all I wanted to do is go crawl in a hole and never come out. Camila's voice was still playing back in my mind from when I told her we were done.
I shut my eyes briefly before letting a deep sigh escape my lips. It wasn't meant to be Lauren. That's what I thought and for once I agreed. Camila and I weren't secretive about it. I mean yeah we went on loads of dates, and hung out with her more frequently and I've kissed her so many times in public and we could have got caught at any moment, but we didn't. I suppose luck was on our side.
You're still going to hurt her. Even when you don't mean to, she's hurt.
Maybe I'll just forget about her. Maybe that will sorta take the pain away, I hope.
All I've been doing lately is mopping and whining. I'll be honest with you, I missed her so much. But I couldn't even talk to her anymore. That's because you love her Lauren! You're such an idiot.
You know what? Maybe it is time for a new start. I just need to try to occupy myself. And I defiantly have more people in my life that loved me before Camila.
**
C A M I L A
I kept wondering if this was just as hard for Lauren as it was for me.
I thought about it as I walked up the school steps.
Probably not, she probably doesn't even care about me anymore.
The second I entered all eyes were on me. I shifted on the floor uncomfortably feeling like a deer in headlights. I'm pretty sure everyone knew by now that I was in the hospital. The word goes around fast.
I saw familiar faces starting to walk toward me before I was pulled into a hug. "Camila! I've been worried about you. Why haven't you been answering my texts?" Austin asked worriedly staring into my eyes. His eyebrows were brought together forming a crease between them. I forced a small smile. I didn't text you back because you're not Lauren.
I just shrugged. "I don't know, I've been really busy." He looked at me skeptically probably seeing right through me. But he did give me space and he didn't push it any farther. But before I knew it Ally, Jade, and Jesy were at my side asking questions.
I just gave them simple and small answers not really knowing how to answer and not really wanting to either. We were drawing too much attention to ourselves. People just stared at us like we didn't belong here. "Guys I got to go to class," I said softly before walking away and leaving them confused.
**
@ lunch.
"Alright, so then Troy asked me out and I didn't really know how to react and I just said yes and I don't know, he's one of the sweetest guys ever." Ally rambled on about her new boyfriend Troy.
I wasn't really listening, just poking my food with a fork. I was just uninterested at this point. I knew he wasn't going to be so sweet when he breaks her heart.
A hand was waving in front of my face snapping me out of it. "Camila, are you even listening to me?" Annoyance filled Ally's voice.
"Hm? Oh, wait what? Sorry, I was just thinking." Wow, I seemed more and more frequent with lies lately.
She rolled her eyes before mumbling a quiet 'whatever'
I wasn't completely lying to Ally I really have been thinking. Thinking about a certain someone. A certain pair of emerald eyes, a special someone with soft lips.
No! Just let her go. She's no good. She doesn't care about you! She hasn't even asked if you were alright!
Negativity was all I was getting out of thinking about her. Was it all worth it? Was it worth the stupid constant worrying and sadness? Worth the heartbreak?
**
Have you ever had those moments where you could basically hear your heartbeat in your ears because you were too scared or too eager to do something? That's how I felt right now seeing Lauren sit beside me. At least she can still look at me and not be completely disgusted. Bitter.
I wiped my sweaty hands on my pants before clenching them into fists.
"Lauren, can we talk about this please?" My voice was low and desperate. Lauren acted as if I didn't say anything. Instead, she raised her hand.
"Mrs. Bettinger can I move up I can't see." She asked and my heart dropped she can't even talk to me anymore. Mrs. Bettinger nodded and before I knew it Lauren was four rows ahead of me.
But I saw her look back. And what I saw wasn't Lauren. At least the Lauren I thought I knew. Our eyes locked but hers just seemed hollow. She quickly moved her gaze to a random poster on the wall. She looked at me like she didn't even know who I was anymore. Like there wasn't actually anything between us. That there wasn't even a spark, just nothing. I needed to talk to her.
**
After school, I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I just let my feet guide me home. I didn't want Ally, Jade, Jesy, or even Austin driving me home. Just wanted to be alone and think things through.
I sat on my bed rummaging through a pile of clothes on it trying to find a shirt but instead, I found something else. I found Lauren's varsity jacket. I frowned looking at it. I forgot I still had it.
Grabbing it seemed to trigger a flashback. The night she gave me this because I had to walk home and it was cold outside. I smiled remembering how worried she was. She actually seemed to care back then. I wanted that Lauren back.
I got up and headed downstairs quickly grabbing my house keys before leaving. I need answers. And I need them now.
**
L A U R E N
Perrie, Leigh, and Normani were looking at me strangely all day and when they asked me what was wrong I just shrugged it off not really wanting to discuss it. I looked dead on the inside. That was until they dragged me to a cafe and practically strangled me until they found a reason behind it.
Normani tried comforting me and said everything happens for a reason. I have to stay away from Camila because every time I look at her I see that day in the park. The hurt in bringing her broke my heart but I was protecting her.
I got out of my car just getting home from the cafe when I heard pebbles getting kicked behind me. I spun around seeing the one person I really wanted to avoid right now.
"What Camila?" My voice cracked slightly as I found it hard to speak without starting to cry in front of her. She stayed silent hand deep into her jacket pockets.
My eyes flickered to the jacket it wasn't hers, it was mine. I felt like smiling. She still kept it.
She still had it and was wearing it.
"I need answers, Lauren." Her voice was nearly audible and if you looked closely enough you could see her bottom lip trembling slightly. Maybe I was a bitch for not giving her an answer for why I left her in the hospital but there's nothing I can do now.
**
C A M I L A
I could practically punch holes into the fabric of Lauren's jacket when she looked at me. I was trying to keep my hands from shaking when she didn't answer me and just stood there paralyzed
"Please, Lauren. Could you at least give me a reason why you did that to me? At least tell me why we broke up?" She squeezed her eyes shut momentarily before opening them again taking a deep breath and speaking again.
" I can't Camila, okay? Just please leave I don't want to talk about this." Tears were stinging a blurring my vision. She can't even give me a reason, can she?
"Isn't that the least I deserve because you decided to leave me there dumbfounded in the hospital? Or do I deserve nothing? Am I just another number, Lauren?"
I said stepping closer as I saw her take a sharp breath not knowing what to say. Now I just stood there right in front of her but she still stayed silent.
I chuckle sarcastically. "Of course I am. You're Lauren Jauregui. You don't care about other people's feelings."
Hurt crossed her face as I spoke.
"You know that's not true." She mumbled.
"Do I really? Prove it. What happened to us?"
Her hands shook slightly at her side gripping onto the cuff of her sleeve. "What? Does there have to be a reason why I dumped you? We're over. There is no us anymore, Camila. Just leave." Her voice was cold now, cutting right through me, and my heart stung slightly. She's not telling the truth. She told me she would never hurt me. Told me she'd be honest.
"You're lying! Look me in the eyes and tell me that." She shifted her gaze from the ground and to my face. Her lips parted slightly to speak.
"Leave Camila. I really don't want you okay? You're just boring, I fell out of love. You were just a distraction from my past breakup. Just a phase, so make this easy on yourself and leave, you'd be doing us both huge favors."
I felt a newly shed tear fall down my cheek. Her face was hard and her voice was harsh. My mind was telling me to leave, but my feet were glued to the ground. She actually meant that our whole relationship was a lie. Everything was just fake hope, lust, and love. Everything she said was one big lie.
I don't know which emotion took over me faster. Anger or sadness but I spat out what I could.
"I told you everything! I told you my secrets and trusted you just to find out now that this was all one big lie? To figure out that you didn't care at all. Do you even have a clue how hard it was for me to say those things? I gave you my sexuality just to be with you. I lied to my mom and snuck out just for you and this is what you had to say? I was just a stupid little fling?!" My throat hurt partly from the way I was screaming at Lauren and the other part was from the tears and the lump in my throat.
Her eyes flickered back to the ground. "I didn't ask you to." She muttered only making my anger rise up even more than it already was. "But I did, Lauren. I fucking did, okay? But you don't give a shit. I should've known that all you said were lies, I'm smarter than that. It was of course too good to be true. I should've just pushed you away when I had the chance, but I didn't. I let you break down the walls that I was building to keep people like you out. But I let you knock them down and now I have to start to build them again. Start all over. God, I'm so fucking stupid." I spat. "So fucking stupid," I repeated.
Hollow emerald eyes stared back at me like she didn't believe what I just said.
"Then why don't you? Push me away. Tell me how much you hate me and that you don't want me in your life anymore. Go ahead and just act like you don't know me, but I have a question. Why is it whenever I treat you like utter shit you just come running back, huh? Saying how much you want me why don't you just let me go?"
My hands shook violently as I pulled them out of the jacket pockets. Throwing them in the air frustrated. "I don't fucking know, Lauren. I don't know why I can't just leave. Probably because I just can't let you go. I'm whipped, okay? No matter how many times you beat me up or how many times you've almost gotten me grounded it was all worth it. Because I can't let you go. No matter how shitty you treat me. I just come running back. I don't know why I feel this way. Are you just going to pretend that this means nothing to you?
I searched her eyes for something to tell me she cared or she was sorry but she didn't answer she just stood there with white knuckles from clenching her fists too tightly. I waited for an answer but when she clearly wasn't going to answer I have up. "Have a nice life, Lauren." I took the jacket off and dropped it at her feet before quickly turning around and leaving. But the thing is she just let me. I expected to feel her grip my arm and turn me around but she didn't. She didn't even bother to call me back.