Fact 23:
Depression makes you selfish. It's very hard to think of other people when you're wrapped in a prickly blanket of sadness, and all you can think about is your own pain. Be proactive and take the steps you need to heal.
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Sky's POV
My eyes shift to the beautiful girl next to me involuntarily I wrapped my arms tighter around her. Something about being with her is different from any other girls. Every part of me adores every inch of her. The way she held so much strength during those years she got bullied with the fact she was also dealing with her dad's sickness no one knew about.
She may think she's weak for never talking back and fight back with Jessica but I see her resistance. The way her hands curled into a fist when Jessica taunt her. I see the fire inside her that wants to be released but something is stopping her. The way she cast down her eyes to the ground trying to push back the anger and instead pain and humiliation surfaces and it makes wonder how angry could she get. I can see she's been holding back and when the day comes when she finally lets her anger towards Jessica take over I will be there with a big smile grinning proudly.
I lift my hand that wasn't wrapped around her waist and trace where the sun hit her cheeks. Images of us together had me grinning widely, no one has made me feel like this before. When she came down the stairs that night finding me looking for alcohol because the memories of Evan is bringing me sorrow I hated the fact I feel still feel this way and all I could do is let my tears fall as I imagine him in my arms again his body growing close.
I would close my eyes as if nothing could hurt me with my eyes shut but even in the complete darkness of my mind it seemed darker.
It took me a year to try pull every sanity I have left. I went to England to go theraphy, the best doctors was there and my parents began to worry about me. They said I space out and I would talk to myself imaging my cousin right there beside me. I couldn't let him go so I created a vision of him putting him in my every day routine as if he never left me. I did that to not drown in my pain, to delude myself he's still here with me. I couldn't let him go and it hurt every being in my body to realized I've gone insane.
My mind felt like it's wasting away when I believed I was spending time with my dead cousin I was really with no one but myself.
The one that snapped me out of it was my parents and I still remember that day. The fourteen year old boy lost in his painful mind. My mom cried for me one night with my dad trying to comfort her and I see the way I'm breaking her to see her son this way. My dad kneeled beside me and put his head on my lap and begged his son to come back to him. I saw what I've done to them and one day I walked up to the sea and I saw my cousin waiting for me on the edge of the ocean. I remember him turning to face me with tears in his eyes like he knew I'm here to say goodbye. I told him I'm sorry, I'm sorry I couldn't sail you around the world. He shook his head and smiled and told me I'm an idiot. He kissed me on my head and said it's time to let go, it's time for me to go. The weighing pain in my chest lifted as the sun went down and I knew that it's over. The aching need to see my cousin standing with me the way it was suppose to be disappeared. A new relief came instead and I knew I'm going to be okay.
Every year in his anniversary something would snap in my head, I would still feel pain lingering in the back of my mind but it wasn't as bad as it was before. I can't deny I'm not hurting anymore because if years passed the pain of missing him is still there.
When Hailey came and sat to drink with me I had the urge to place a kiss on her. Kissing her deeply in appreciation knowing she hates the taste of alcohol but she drank it just for me. She made me see things that I had hard believing but when she spoke to me and held me I wanted to try. I wanted to try and forgive myself not for me but for her.
When I press my lips on her I lost myself in her touch and the pain in me quickly faded away. She made everything make sense, when I'm slipping away from myself she pulls me back holding me tightly as if I'm ready to break. She held me and kissed me and spoke words that made me feel better. I knew that was her first kiss and I couldn't be more proud to be the one to take it.
She's so beautiful and I just hope one day she sees it too but for now I want to show her until she believed aswell.
My parents were getting suspicious when they saw us in the grand ball dancing together, holding each other like we were a couple. They smiled and approve but they gave me a warning not to hurt her. I only smiled more seeing the protectiveness both my parents had for her.
When she fell asleep with her head upon my shoulder and my arms around her my heart began to pound in a slow beat watching her sleep. We've slept in the same bed a lot of times and each times creates a deeper meaning. The first time was when she cling onto me when her dad passed away and I wanted nothing more then to ease her pain. The second time was when she crawled into my bed in the middle of the night and I knew she was crying so I opened my arms letting her settle her wet cheeks on my neck. The third time is me needing her this time, wanting her arms around me to tell me it's okay. It's her I need and she gave it all to me healing the self hate for myself and instead smile when I see the ocean.
There is something special about this morning because this time she didn't move away from me. Usually in the mornings she would be sitting by the window with a cup of coffee staring blankly her mind filled with too many thoughts. She's still here in my arms and it felt different, a good kind of different.
She stirred slowly turning around in my arms to face me for a second I thought she's going to wake up but instead she bury her face against my neck. Her lips pressed against my neck making smile widely wanting to stay like this all day but I see in about two minutes my clock will go off for school. Sooner then I expected the clock began to ring loudly causing her to groan lightly.
She pulled back rubbing her closed eyes her lips slightly pouting making me grin at how adorable she looks.
"Good morning." I grin happily.
She peek through her lashes her eyes widening slightly as if she forgot I'm here. She slightly moved away but I didn't allow her.
"Morning." She smiled softly.
I sat up and place a kiss on her lips shocking her making me grin down at her in amusement seeing the shock still there. I want her to get use to me kissing her, touching her and showing her how much I want and care for her.
"Get up! School time." I grin standing up never feeling this much energised for school.
"I don't want to " She sighed burying her face on the pillow.
"I know you want to spend in bed all day with me but we have to go school." I teased amused seeing her blush widely.
I've never been playful with the relationship I had with Jessica. Sure those first year it was puppy love and lust for each other like any teenager will feel. Sure I did have fun with Jessica but I never woke up beside her and laughed with pure joy the way I did with Hailey. Her innocent eyes widening, her cheeks blushing as she stare at me trying not to look embarssed.
I like the thought that she never kissed anyone or that she never been with someone and stayed in their bed.
She supress a smile throwing a pillow at me and pulling back the covers that was over her head. I laughed and grab her ankle hearing her gasp loudly knowing what's about to come.
"Sky! Don't-
I fling the covers my hand still locked on her ankle tugging her forward until I reach her waist. She looks at me horrified her lips forming into a big grin trying to get away from me. I grab her waist and threw her over my shoulder as she gave a startled gasp.
"You know the best way to wake up is jump in the cold pool to create a rush of adrenaline in the veins."
"Don't you dare!" She laughed trying to sound threatening only to make me laugh.
I easily walk down the stairs with Hailey trying to squirm her way out of my grip. The cold marble floor touched my bare feet making my way to the backyard where the people that makes our lawn beautiful turn and looked at us amusingly.
"Good morning Skyler, good morning Hailey." Dave the man that I knew since I was six is still working for us, he's more of a family friend now. He lost his wife and his only daughter moved overseas so we wanted him to stay with us so eventually he moved in.
He stared at me in amusement never seeing me this way with any girl before.
"Sky no!" She begged making me laugh. "I'm awake! It's okay no need to throw me in the pool." She negioate earning more laughs from me.
"Too late Hailey." I grin evily.
I heard her take in a gasp as I threw her in the blue water before she could surface up I jumped with her creating a loud splashing noise. I found her under the water my arms wrapping around her pulling her against me as we reach the surface. Her mouth fell wide open feeling the cold water around us but for me it feels refreshing against my hot skin.
Instead of meeting her angry stare she laughed with me feeling her skin against mine creating a need for her. A feeling in the pit of my stomach I never felt for anyone. I stare at her seeing the beauty she held. The way her now wet hair stick to her skin tempting me to reach forward and kiss her. Her eyes bright against the sun.
"You're unbelievable." She seem to glow with complete happiness I've never seen from her.
I pulled her closer to me feeling our legs tangled in the cold water her pink wet lips parted slightly. Images of us tangled like this flash through my mind and the growing want for her is increasing. She place her hand on my chest watching me closely. I lean my forehead against hers our eyes locked in intensity.
"So are you." I smirk my fingers tracing her wet lower lip tempting me.
Before she could response I hear both my parents yelling on their balacony making me look up irritated that they interrupted us.
"You crazy kids get out of the pool and get to school!" Dad yelled poking his head out to look over at us staring at us amusingly.
I see mom peeking through dad's shoulder staring at us pleased. I look over at Hailey finding her face flushed making me grin at her. She shook her head at me a smile forming on her lips.
"I guess we better get going." She rolled her eyes.
"I guess so ." I groan.
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As soon as she came down my smile widen finding myself physically drawn to her. Her face immaculate without any trace of flaw her beauty always seem to amaze me. Her long brown curly hair bounce freely against her wasit, her big brown eyes stare back at me waiting for me to say something.
"We're not going school today." I announced.
"We're not?" She raised her eyebrows at me in suspicion.
"It's a good day to go sailing don't you think?" I open the door to look up at the blue clear sky.
The warm breeze hit my skin greeting me with the summer season. I look over my shoulder to see her smiling at me in a knowing expression.
"Sailing? Do you really want me there?"
I turn to her and smiled brightly if it wasn't for her I wouldn't even get though the night without needing to pass out to not be able to feel the guilt. She made me feel like there is no need for me to drown myself in alcohol. She knows how important sailing was for me and I want her to be with me when I get back to it.
"I want you there." I told her in certaintiy.
Instead of driving my car I took the jeep that had the roof down and drove down to the small private beach house that belonged to my aunty and uncle, Evan's home that is now empty but pictures and furnitures of them still stay the same. I went down there in a drunken night when I was 16 and it was the most painful thing.
Pulling up infront of the white house had my hands tightening on the grip seeing memories right before my eyes. A warm hand brought me back to reality my eyes snapping back to hers finding comfort in it.
I opened the garage where the sailing boat is strapped to the bike that drags it to the ocean. My throat tightened seeing the scratch of the name from the original sailing boat I manage to get. I spent hours building this and trying to make it as perfect as I wished it could be. It took me a year to do and when I was done I sat down infront of it and stared at it for 3 hours straight trying to feel something. Nothing is the worst feeling I have ever felt so I left this boat to collect dust.
I watch Hailey approaching the dusty boat her hand wiping away where the name is plastered saying 'Evan & Sky' in our own hand writing slopy and messy and we were so proud of it. She trace the letters in the most delicate way looking over her shoulder and smiling softly.
"It's beautiful."
"No it's not, it's broken and it's junk." I said with hate for this boat.
"Come here." She reach out for me and automatically I let her touch me without a second thought.
She place her warm hand on mine guiding my fingertips on the bumpy letters of our name.
"There is pain here yet there is joy, there is love and anger, there is tragedy but there is also healing. There is so much memories that this boat had experienced that every inch and every scratch of it is beautiful." I am mesmorized by her words my throat tightening hitting an emotional part I wish is never there.
She looks over at me and sees every inch of pain I pushed away and instead of telling me to move on she's making me remember it again. She's making me feel the grief and lost but instead of sadness and hate she trying to create the happiness I once felt when I look at this boat or when memories of Evan and I coming flooding back.
"You can be angry at it, you can even hate it but don't let it be forgotten don't waste away those memories you and Evan shared on this boat. Don't ignore the feeling of what is was like to feel the joy of sailing."
Her hand tightened around mine in such comfort nobody can give me.
"I think it's time for you to remember again."
As I stare at her longer its hard to find an excuse not to grab her and kiss her deeply in appreciation. So I did I place my hand on either side of her neck pulling her close to me as I met her lips once again. Sighing against her touch and this time there is no shock, this time there is no hesitation. Instead this kiss had no hesitation and only the automatic action of wanting to feel each other. The kiss that means so much that no amount of perfect moments I had can compare to this.
I ended our short kiss leaning my head against hers realizing how much this girl affects me. She understands me in many ways not my therapist or even my parents and Kris can understand every inch of this pain I've been holding on for too long. Maybe because everyday she had to deal with her own pain and this just made me realized how amazing she really is.
"What was that for?" She asked breathless her eyes landed on my lips causing me to smirk.
"For being here." I smiled. "Now come on help me get this boat out in the ocean.
Once we had it starting my heart pound loudly as I felt the engine start beneath my feet but a quick glance from Hailey had it settling down. We drove for a while, a peaceful and calming feeling rush down on me. The wind hitting my every skin, ruffling my hair and clothes, the calmness of speeding through the waves and hearing the ocean is a feeling I completely forgot. The pure happiness I get when I'm in the ocean comes crashing down on me. I look up at the bright sky closing my eyes and imaging Evan smiling at me with so much joy you can't picture him ever being sad.
I close the engine and look at the ocean reflecting on the bright sun smiling seeing her stare out her mind drifting away.
I sat beside her and pull her waist closer to mine until her back met my chest. The wind blew her long curly hair allowing me an opportunity to kiss her expose neck.
"Thank you." I sighed holding her tighter.
She grab my hand that was holding her waist and brought to her lips touching my skin creating an unbearable feeling that feeling like I'm about to explode. I feel her smile against my hand making me grin at her finding it hard to convince myself not to be with her.
She defines what I want and I'm going to make her believe it.