Just a warning...this one's a bit longer than the previous ones...Enjoy!
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Alex & Me
Chapter 9
I ended up at my house. It was dark indicating that no one was home. I vaguely remembered mom saying something about going out to an office party. Right now I was grateful for that. I couldn't imagine what lie I would have needed to make up to explain why I was in my current state. I didn't have the energy to do that anymore.
I opened the door with my set of keys and then shut it behind me. I went up to my room. I didn't bother changing, just pulled my blanket over me and curled up on the bed staring out the window.
While I'd been running my mind had been out of control. It was like a tape stuck on repeat. It kept on playing the kiss again and again and again. Each time it did my heart would pound so painfully against my ribs, it became hard to breathe. I must have looked like a mad woman, running through the streets crying hysterically.
The pain made me see how completely idiotic and stupid and oblivious I'd been before.
I didn't just have a crush on Alex, I was in love with him.
How could I not be ? He was perfect and wonderful. His twinkling eyes and that perfect smile touched my heart. His caring nature just made me fall deeper. And I'd fallen so hard that I couldn't fathom any way out of it now.
My tears didn't stop and neither did my mind. Why hadn't I felt this way before ? Why now ?
I couldn't understand anything. I knew he'd dated before. And he had to have kissed the other girls too. Maybe it was seeing him actually kiss someone else that finally made it clear to me that I couldn't have him. I realised that I'd not been hiding my feelings from others but myself too. I was so completely in denial that I'd managed to fool myself.
And it had cost me. The onslaught of the pain I was feeling right now was unimaginable. I didn't think I could ever feel that. Atleast not of this magnitude.
The thought of his arms around someone else was like a knife through my heart. Just imagining the sound of the amazing laugh he laughed and picturing his true smile brought fresh tears to my eyes. Because they would be directed at someone else. Someone he would be - or maybe already was - in lov-
I couldn't complete that thought. Could not handle that possibility. At least not right now. Maybe with time I could.
No. I would.
He wouldn't understand if I just started avoiding him without giving him any excuse. He would feel hurt. And that I could not bare. He didn't deserve that.
Life isn't fair. Or maybe it is. Maybe this was what I had to pay because I'd had a great life with the most loving parents and the most amazing friends. I couldn't have it all. Everyone had to make sacrifices. This would be mine.
And so I'd have to suck it up and go on about like everyrthing was fine when it was so entirely wrong. And I'd have to be more convincing with my act.
At least I didn't have to act now.
At least there was that.
***
I didn't realise when I drifted off last night but when I woke up I didn't feel any better. Sleeping on it had made me accept the truth. Somewhat.
I got up and went to the bathroom. Looking onto the mirror I saw my eyes were red-rimmed and my nose was all puffy and red. I washed my face and felt somewhat better. I decided to take a shower now and went into my room to get my clothes. I had a quick bath and I was feeling much better now.
I went downstairs and saw mom was making breakfast.
"Hey honey! You're up early?"
"Yeah. Couldn't sleep too well."
"How was the party yesterday?"
I froze. I should have expected this. I sucked in a deep breath.
"Yeah it was okay. Parties are really not my thing Mom." I told her looking down. How true.
"Of all the teenagers out there I get the most trouble-free amazing kid. I must have done something right." Mom laughed.
I looked up and tried to smile. It did not come out well. She noticed.
"What's wrong honey?" she asked concern flashing in her eyes.
"Nothing Mom. Everything's fine." I put in a lot of effort into smiling now. It seemed to work somewhat. She frowned but didn't say anything.
I finished eating my breakfast and washed and dried the dishes.
"Hey Mom I'm gonna go out for a bit. I'll be back for lunch alright?"
"Okay honey" she smiled and then went upstairs. I followed her and then turned to my room. I grabbed my jacket and my keys and got out of the house.
I walked towards the park. I wanted to be alone and what better place than the cave Alex had showed me when we were ten ? I didn't think he would show up there this early. So I got through the bushes and reached the 'curtained' cave. I parted the creepers and swung some of them upwards to let in some light.
I went in and sat with my back to the wall. I thought about all the times Alex and I had been here. All of his birthdays and mine we'd celebrate here spent here, at least in part. We would always give the gifts we got each other over here. It had become a tradition of ours.
I still wore the charm bracelet he gave me on my left wrist for my eleventh birthday. Every year he keeps on adding a charm to it along with another present. I used to be upset that he would spend so much money on me but he would say as my best friend it was his duty. I would just roll my eyes and try to gracefully accept what he got me. But he could always tell that it bothered me. So he tried to give me gifts that were thoughtful and much less expensive. But the charms continued...
I was so engrossed in my thoughts that when a shadow passed the curtains at the mouth of the cave I almost gave a shriek. But I controlled it just in time. The shadow moved closer and I cowered back into the wall. What if it was some psycho killer on the loose ?
Seriously I feel like punching myself right now. Why did I have to be so stupid ? I looked around and found a small rock. I grabbed it in my right hand and prayed that I'd be able to aim enough to buy myself some time to get out of here. The curtains were moving now. I raised my right hand, ready. Finally they parted completely. I froze.
It was Alex.
He looked a little surprised but then he looked from my hand to my face and then back and forth once before he burst out laughing so hard he clutched his stomach and was actually rolling on the floor. By the time he had gained some control, I'd realised how idiotic I must have looked and lowered my hand, blushing. He looked up only to find me pouting.
He started laughing again and I turned my head away even though it was very difficult. I could probably watch Alex laugh for a long time and not bat an eyelid. His laugh made me want to join in. It was so lovely.
"Oh God Z! That was the - most- amazing thing ever. Your face was priceless." he said in between his laughs.
I continued pouting.
"Oh come on! Don't be like that!" he pleaded and came near me. My heart started beating faster.
"Be like what Alex? I'm not allowed to be mad at you?" I said a little loudly.
"Of course you are. But you aren't actually mad at me are you?"
Damn him.
"Who says I'm not?" I asked petulantly.
"I do. When you're really mad the vain on your forehead starts throbbing and it isn't now so.." he grinned proud of himself.
I just stared at him my mouth hanging open. He chuckled and put my jaw up with his hand.
"Don't look so astounded. I know I have that effect on girls but you too?" he teased.
Only if he knew how much he affected me. I just rolled my eyes and didn't say anything.
"Okay Z can I ask you something? Its really important." he said his black eyes looking into my brown ones.
"Yeah" I said breathily. I snapped out of it and looked away trying to control the heat on my face.
"What question?" I asked him again looking anywhere but into his eyes. He cleared his throat and then I could feel him looking at me.
"Zoey," he began very seriously, his tone made me look up, "What were you going to do with that tiny stone?" he asked amused.
"Well I thought it was some psycho killer so I was planning to throw the stone at him...you know, where it hurts ?" I finished uncertainly, blushing and completely aware of how idiotic I was sounding.
"You do know its you we're talking about?" he said laughing, referring no doubt to my lousy aim. Okay so I wasn't the most co-ordinated person in the world. But seeing him laugh was so worth it. It made me smile a little.
"What? No come back?" he asked, surprised.
Opening my mouth and closing it again like a fish was my brilliant answer. I shook my head at myself.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, curious. He should be out with Jessica. With that thought all the light heartedness just whooshed out of me like water flowing down the drain when you pull out the plug.
"I went to your house. Lily said you just told her your going out. I decided to come check here. And I found you." he explained.
"Okay."
"Amy told me you came to the party yesterday but I didn't see you. Why did you leave early?" he asked in a small voice. His tone sounded vaguely hopeful.
I took a deep breath.
"Oh nothing...I just wasn't feeling too well" I said looking down. I couldn't lie well. Especially to Alex. He knew me so well that he could see it on my face instantly. That was why I always looked down whenever I had to lie to him.
"Oh okay. How are you feeling now?" he asked. He was looking down.
Lonely. In love. Hurt.
Maybe I was being too dramatic.
"I'm fine Alex. You worry too much." I chastised him trying to make my voice strong. He mumbled something, too low for me to hear.
"Come again?" I asked.
He looked up wide-eyed and then his cheeks turned pink. I kept looking at him trying to understand why he was blushing. I came up with nothing. I gave up.
"Come on. Lets go. I told mom I'd be home for lunch." I said getting up and dusting my back. I gave him a hand. He took it but pulled it too hard. One moment I was standing up straight and the next I'm sprawled on top of him.
"Alex!" I cried starting to get up. But then I looked into his eyes. They were dark and his pupils were dilated. No that was just me imagining things as usual. I managed to disentangle myself, blushing all the while. He shook his head as if he were trying to shake off some thought.
He stood up, on his own this time, and then smiled at me uncertainly. I did the same then I turned to go out. He followed me out and then turned back pulling the 'curtains' over the mouth of the cave.
We reached my house joking and quarreling but I couldn't help but notice that he maintained a careful distance from me. Never coming too close. It made me sad. I didn't want him to be on his guard with me. He could be himself with me. Maybe he was thinking about Jessica's reaction to our closeness and so he decided to maintain a distance from me. I should probably stop thinking along those lines if I didn't want to end up bawling in front of him for no apparent reason.
He stayed for lunch at our place and then left saying he had practice. I just waved goodbye and smiled sadly at him. I helped mom clean up the dishes and then went up to my room. There I grabbed a book and sat by the window, planning to get lost in some other world.
Just for a few blissful hours.
***
Of course I couldn't be that lucky.
The doorbell rang and after a few seconds Amy burst through my door, her eyes on fire, followed by a meek-looking Hayley. Amy came to me and looked at me straight in the eye.
"What were you thinking ? Running off like that yesterday ? You fool! You could have been seriously hurt! Do you know how worried I was ? We all were ? But no! You didn't even call to say you'd reached fine and didn't even pick up the phone when we called! Running through the streets at night. We were worried to death. You...you....ugh!"
By the time Amy finished her rant we were nose-to-nose and I was sitting with my back pressed against the window grill. I was sure my eyes were as wide as saucers.
"Um....sorry..." I said meekly after a few seconds had passed. It came out sounding like a question.
"Sorry? That's all you have to say??" she asked incredulously.
I looked to Hayley for help. But she was looking down with what looked like a small smile on her face. What was she smiling about ?
I looked back at Amy. She was pacing but then she sat down on my bed, not looking at me. She seemed to have cooled off a bit now that she'd got it off her chest. I bravely got up and went and sat by her side hoping she was over the freak-out.
"I'm sorry Amy. I wasn't thinking straight.." I began, putting an arm around her shoulder, and she huffed.
"Sorry's not gonna cut it." she said but her tone was much softer now.
"I know. But I've still got to apologize. I'm sorry. I didn't think about what I was doing or how worried you guys might be. I won't do it ever again. I'm sorry Amy." I said looking down.
She didn't say anything. I don't know what made me do it but suddenly I started bouncing on the bed saying sorry every time I bounced. It caused Amy to bounce too and I saw her lips twitch. So I continued with my childish behaviour until Amy spoke while laughing.
"Alright! Alright! You're forgiven," she said. I hugged her but she wasn't finished, "On one condition."
"Anything." I promised.
"Hmm make that two," she said, looking at me with narrowed eyes, "First you have to tell me why you left yesterday and second you have to go shopping with me and you will wear what I ask you to. No complaints." she said sternly.
I started to protest but she gave me a look to silence me. I sighed and agreed.
So I told her about my recent realisation. Hayley already knew so she stayed silent but Amy was sympathetic and by the end of my tale her eyes were shining.
"Aren't you supposed to be sad along with me?" I asked confusedby her reaction.
"Oh Zoey! Of course I'm not happy that you got your heart broken but lets face it. Its not the end of the world. I think you should tell Alex how you feel." she said nodding her head as if that was the most common solution.
"Um no thanks." I said getting up and going to the window.
"But Zoey-" Amy cried.
"No Amy," I said firmly, I didn't want to embarass myself any further, "And you're forbidden to interfere in any way."
She pouted. I looked away.
"Okay fine. But you're still going shopping with me." she reminded me smugly.
I groaned.
***
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