Alex was frozen, he just stood there holding me and I didn't know if it was shock or him thinking, no I knew it was shock, he looked the Edward when Bella told him she was pregnant.
In that part of the movie I has actually burst out laughing but seeing Alex, Mr cool, calm and collected was a different thing, it scared me, made me feel something I didn't want to feel and I was honestly worried.
There was a knock on the door and that seemed to have snapped him out of whatever trance he was in “come in” he spoke in a quiet voice.
The door opened and Josh walked in with a bag, his eyes went straight to mine then down to my thighs “Lilly I need you to pul/l your underwear off and lay on the bed”
“no” I spoke “why am I bleeding?”
“Lilly” he sighed “come on, sweetheart please”
I let Alex's hand go and he dropped down to his knees and pulled my underwear off, I was in the nude apart from a bra and I wasn't even worried about that, well Josh wasn't even looking he was too busy pulling things out of his bag and snapping on rubber gloves.
Alex pulled on the long sleeved shirt which was actually better since it came mid thigh, he wiped my legs with a towel Josh had tossed him, then moved it over on the bed where I was meant to lay down.
“baby you need to lay down”
“I don't want to” I whispered as I choked holding back the tears
“I am going to be right here to hold your hand, just keep your eyes on me while Josh does this” Alex rubbed his palm over my cheek.
I nodded and laid down on the bed, my legs off as Josh lifted them up “just relax Lilly, just let your legs fall to the side and deep breaths”
Alex took hold of my hand and held it tightly, or I held him, actually we both held each other tightly, I felt Josh's hand between my thighs and tensed, I tried my hardest to relax as the feeling was horrible, it was uncomfortable and I felt embarrassed.
Alex lent forward and pressed his lips to mine, he didn't move away but instead he kept them on me for the whole time Josh was prodding around. When I felt his hand move out I let out a breath I had been holding. He didn't speak as he pulled off the bloody gloves and brought the gel to my stomach and squirted it on.
Everything was silent and I didn't know what to do, I just hoped our baby was ok, and that this was a normal thing, something that was easily fixed.
Josh looked up at us and towards Alex with a glass film over his eyes, “don't say it, don't you fucking dare say it” Alex hissed out through his clenched jaw.
“I'm so sorry, Lilly your miscarrying, the pain is from your cervix dilating, the baby will pass soon” he spoke in a quiet voice.
I sucked in a sharp breath as I took it all in, I was loosing our baby. The one thing I wanted so much was gone, I killed our baby.
“get out” Alex spoke staring at the bed “just please go” he said in a softer tone.
Josh left the room pretty quickly, but not before placing a kiss against my forehead and patting Alex on the back. I just laid there stunned at what was happening.
I was ten weeks pregnant and I lost our baby.
“the pain is going to get worse, I think you should sit on the toilet and that way it will pass hopefully sooner” Alex stood up pulling a pair of boxers from his draw out and pulling them up over my legs.
I moved but I felt as though I was asleep, I didn't feel like I was awake, I felt as though this was a big dream and everything would be ok when I woke up, but reality was that I was in a fucking nightmare right now, I was loosing our baby, the bedding was covered in blood and I had no idea how I didn't feel it, what type of person couldn't feel themselves bleeding.
Alex flicked the lock over on the bathroom door and I did what I was told, I sat on the toilet and waited, the worst part was the pain, the excruciating pain that ripped through my stomach that made me cry out loudly.
Alex kneeled down in front of me holding my hands as I cried and squeezed his hands tightly, his eyes were watering from his own mass of tears that escaped, his silent sobs as I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried, I cried with everything I had, everything that was loosing a part of me, a part of something that I loved so much yet I would never get the chance to meet.
Time seemed to pass in slow motion as we stayed in that bathroom, seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours, hours that dragged on and never seemed to stop.
I knew when that baby had passed, how could I not notice since as soon as it came out the pain had stopped almost instantly, the pain was gone and there was no evidence that I was ever pregnant now. Alex was still kneeling in front of me, his hands still holding mine and his eyes had never once left mine, he had stayed through the entire thing, staying with me and only uttering sweet I love you words to me.
“Alex” I spoke, the first words I had uttered since coming into the bathroom.
He nodded knowing what I meant and then broke down crying again, nothing made my heart ache even more than seeing him crying, seeing this strong man break down in front of me and crumble into pieces. I knew he was hurt, he had already loved this baby, loving it with everything he had, he had slipped into the father role instantly and smoothly, being protective of my stomach, always kissing it goodnight, talking to our baby and calling himself dad.
“I love you Lilly”
“I love you Alex, I'm sorry” I sniffed
he frowned then widened his eyes realising what I had said “no this wasn't your fault, it happens a lot and there is no way you could have predicted we would loose our baby, you did nothing wrong at all” he lent forward and instead of the soft kisses he met my mouth with a hard frantic kiss.
A deep hungry kiss, I knew he did it to stop himself from crying again but I couldn't do anything other than give into him.
Pulling away he helped me up off the toilet, it felt a relief to stand up and not be sitting again, I felt a slight pain in my lower abdomen which I was expecting, I guessed when I had a feeling this morning I didn't actually believe I was going to be right.
“I have to check make sure you don't need to go into hospital” he walked behind me and closed his eyes hard as he pressed the flush on the toilet.
The pain that ripped through my chest hurt even more now, our baby was really gone.
After Alex checked my stomach and there was no sign of a baby or anything else we laid in bed, Emma or Josh had changed all the bedding, everything looked as if it was normal, they weren't in the house, they went into town to give us some space and was getting groceries for dinner tonight, I didn't feel like eating but I knew I needed to.
“you won't leave me will you” Alex's voice pulled me into the now
I wrapped my arms tighter around him “I love you, I wont be going anywhere Alex”
“me either baby, me either” he kissed the side of my head gently.
We lay and neither of us spoke, it was hard to think of something to say, I didn't know what to say and I was pretty sure he was thinking about the baby as well, I was too.
Things popped into my mind as I lay staring at the glow and the dark stars spread out over the ceiling, wondering what our baby would have looked like, would we had a boy or girl, one thing I was sure of was the baby would have had blonde hair with blue eyes.
“you know I never wanted kids, I was happy with work but ever since you came into my life I couldn't have been more happier that you was pregnant, it was something that felt right” he spoke lacing his fingers through mine.
“we will have another baby” I spoke not even realise I could even think about that right now
Alex looked down at me as I looked up at him, a soft smile over his face forming “you mean that, you would have another baby?”
“yes, I would love to have another baby with you, not right now but sooner rather than later, I want to have a family with you” I weakly smiled
“that sounds amazing, we will try again when were both ready, I promise I will make you a mother Lilly, I promise you will have a baby in your arms” he rubbed his eyes, drying them.
“and I promise that I will make you a dad, I promise that you will wake up one morning and there will be three of us in our bed, I love you so much” I spoke through the tears that had me breaking down all over again and joining Alex as we held each other crying.