Loving You Later

Chapter Thirty Seven

Emma was in my room as soon as Alex had left, I forget she was here in her room, wallowing in her own self pity as well.

“shit Lilly” she rushed down to my level.

“he's going to sleep with her” I cried, tears stinging in my eyes as I tried to wipe them, it was no use they wouldn't stop.

“he's mad, he won't sleep with her” she rubbed my arm softly

“yes he will, he hates me because he thinks I love Jamie”

She pulled me into her chest as I continued crying, crying my heart out.

Why would he say we were done, why couldn't he have just let me explain, and more importantly why couldn't I have just told him, why did I feel the need to wait so long.

Oh yeah that's right because I had been to worried about loosing my business to remember the day my ex boyfriend died. He should understand and be supportive not fucking flip out and call me a crazy bitch.

Ok I could be a crazy bitch but I wasn't meaning to be.

I don't know how long we laid on the floor just hugging, long enough to hear the door open again and close.

I pushed myself up off the floor, running into the living room to talk things out with Alex, hoping things could calm down and he would listen to what I had to say, unfortunately it was Josh instead and that only made me cry all over again as I threw my arms around him.

“what's wrong with her?” I heard him ask Emma

“he found out about her going to see Jamie and flipped out, told her they were over and he was going to fuck Jane” Emma whispered, I don't know why she bothered to try whisper because her voice was normal and still loud.

“what?” Josh asked shocked as he pulled me back, I just stared at him, I must look like a raccoon with mascara dripping down my cheeks, his shirt was black from where my head laid.

“I wanted to tell him but he wouldn't listen” I wiped my eyes on my sleeve.

“fuck Lilly, I only spoke to him half hour ago, he was going into a surgery with Jane since the other nurse was sick, if I had known I would of decked him” he ran a hand through his hair angrily.

If it was possible my heart broke even more, I just shrugged, if he was going to cheat on me then he isn't the man I thought he was.

I slowly made my way to the bedroom, hoping he would come home and we could make up, I took my clothing off and walked in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror.

I was definitely a hot sight to see, my panda eyes and red stained cheeks standing out, I couldn't look at myself any more, I just stepped in the shower and let the hot water fall down my body.

Slipping underneath the covers on Alex's side I snuggled down, breathing in his scent that was on his pillow, I closed my eyes but all I could think was them together.

My husband and that whore.

When I woke I noticed the bed empty still, the door was still shut and Alex wasn't home, my heart rate picking up as I imagined the worst, did he sleep at her place last night? Was they together right now?

The thoughts were making me sick, I laid there feeling queasy, I closed my eyes taking deep breaths until I realised I was actually about to spew and jumped up out of bed and ran to the bathroom, dropping to my hands and knees and throwing up.

This was the third time I had thrown up this week, all at random times of the day and it was all due to the stress getting to me.

I had a shower and got myself dressed, wearing a pair of flared jeans and a red top, slipping on some flats I walked out of the room, it was still early so Josh and Emma were still asleep, I didn't want to wake them, I'm sure they needed their sleep after listening to me crying a night long.

I headed to the florist, she knew me well since I always got the flowers pre ordered, when I walked in there she had them in a bucket of water on the counter, looking up at me as the door bell sounded.

“Lilly, always on time” she smiled pulling them out of the bucket.

“thanks Julie, they look great as always” I pulled out my card to pay handing it to her.

“you think you would learn that they are on me” she pushed the card back towards me, this happened each time I came here.

“I got married” I blurted out

“when? Tell me everything” she rushed out all at once, her eyes wide as she grabbed my hand, gushing over the rings.

So I filled her in on everything, telling her all about Alex and how we met, the accident and loosing our babies, she was good to talk to, I thought she might be a little upset but she said she couldn't be happier for me, that made me feel slightly easier about this whole thing.

I left and took the walk to the cemetery, I never drove this day, I would just walk and spend the whole day talking to Jamie, filling him in on my life, telling him about the horrid boys I dated and work, this conversation was going to be a little different.

Leaning against the fence when I finally made my way there was Alex, wearing different clothing to last night, freshly shaved and showered, he was a sight to take in.

I stopped walking, just standing stuck to the spot on the pathway as he looked up noticing I had arrived. He took a few steps towards me until he was in front of me “Lilly”

“don't Alex, just don't” I shook my head blinking back out the tears.

“you have no idea how sorry I am” he grabbed hold of me and wrapped his body to mine, lifting my own arms I held him back just as tightly.

“I over reacted Lilly, I never meant to say any of those things, I just got jealous, and Josh said that Emma told him you were real upset over him and I lost it, I felt that you was still in love with him” he pulled away and cupped both my cheeks.

I lifted my hands and placed them over his cheeks “I don't love him, I told you that before and I come because it's the right thing to do, I don't do it because I'm still hurt over loosing him, I do it because it helps me move on, he died in my arms”

“I know baby, I know, god I love you so much Lilly I am sorry, your not a bitch, your nothing like what I called you” he pinched the bridge of his nose as he closed his eyes, his body shaking as he opened those blue eyes back up, they were glassy and filled with sorrow.

“It's fine Alex”

“no don't say it's fine” he growled “just hit me or something because you have no idea how guilty I feel, hearing you cry like that fucking broke me” he sniffed.

“fine you can make it up to me then” I tried to make light of the situation but he still didn't seem convinced.

“do you want to go up there alone?” he offered.

I shook my head, of course I wanted him to come with me, there was nothing I wanted more than to show Alex another part of my life, I didn't speak, instead I reached out and held his hand, linking our fingers together and leading the way through the grass.

The grave wasn't too far of a walk, we reached it within less than two minutes, I stood in front of the gravestone, Alex was by my side and I went to lay the flowers down but stopped, something in the back of my mind needed answers.

I looked up at Alex and frowned, confused and unable to understand properly without him explaining it because he told me he was sorry and felt guilty.

Guilty over what exactly?

“Alex, Josh said you was with Jane last night”

he nodded not making eye contact with me, my heart beating a hell of a lot quicker than three seconds ago.

“did you sleep together?” my throat felt like I was going to throw up again.

I stood staring at him, waiting for him to deny it, waiting for him to tell me nothing happened, waiting for some sort of reaction out of him.

But nothing, nothing at all came from him except for him dropping down to the ground and burying his head in his hands, his body violently shaking as he started crying.