"Dad?"
"Alexander, I didn't even. . ." Everything was silent until Ms. Lios said something.
"This is your son?"
"Oh Jesus," Giuls said. She went back to the door behind me and locked it.
"Yes, if he'll let me say that." I couldn't even make out a word.
"How-," I couldn't even finish the thought.
"Mom let's go into the other room together."
"No, stay here." I said and I could hear her roll her eyes. "How are you even here? I thought-," I looked away from him. "I thought you died." I could feel a burning behind my eyes.
"Son-,"
"Don't call me that." She wrapped her arm around my waist which gave me a strange sense of peace which she's not known for.
"Alexander. Please don't be mad right now."
"I'm not mad. I'm not anything. I don't really know you anyways."
"Yes you do. Please just listen."
"No I dont. The man that was my father is dead. You're nothing of him." I felt the shift in the room. She squeezed and then her arm fell loose.
"Wait Alexander,"
"Remember when I said dad, forget that. I don't believe a word you said or want to say and I don't believe anyone here. We may look exactly alike or talk alike or walk the same way, but I know you will never be my dad."
"Alexander just-,"
"No. My father died many years ago fighting for my freedom. You're just claiming to be him." I turned away from him, heading towards the door.
"And I swear don't go to Alec. His emotions get the best if him."
"Alex, wait!" Her voice almost made me stop in my tracks, hesitating for half a second.
"I'll see you later Giuls, nice to see you Ms. Lios."
"Take care of yourself." And I went out in the storm. Thunder rumbled the ground I was walking on. Just a few minutes ago, I finally got the girl. She's the one, she's the one I've always wanted. Everyone says I'm too young to be worried about that, but in this life, what is normal? Who can judge me when everyone's always judging themselves?
And then I just found out my life is a lie. Ever since I was ten, my father was dead. And now he resurrected to be the most hated man in the Republic. But he isn't my father. He's just the man who made me into who I am now. The man I thought he was.
It's just, I don't know why they would lie to me. Why didn't they just tell me instead of letting me think that my dad was my protecter. He was suppose to be my savior. He can't even take care of his own family let alone a whole republic. And I wonder what he considers people that live here. Is Alec and I only. Or Giullianna as well.
When we were younger, Alec and I went through hell before we came into these schools. We spent half of our lives with an instrument in our hands. We would take more music classes then any other. We moved around a lot, but we always ended up in the same place in the same house with the same kids that made us feel like we were doing something wrong. And we wished that our dad would show up to come save us because my mother only worried about spending money. It never happened. Because my dad is a lier, and a cheater.
I dreamed a lot of my life that my dad would come back. But now I just wish he stayed dead.
✴✴✴✴
"Dad dad! Come here, I wanna show you something." A younger version came running into the living room searching for his father with wide bright eyes. His father was sitting on the couch watching a football game cheering on his favorite team and trying to ignore one of his seven year old sons. The oldest but the most naïve. The poor boy doesn't even know what his father really feels, he's in his own world believing everything he says.
"Dad!"
"What?" He almost yelled. The boy didn't realize his tone, he just thought he was excited to see him.
"Dad, I wanna show you something." The father rolled his eyes and sighed.
"I'm trying to watch the game." The boy dropped his shoulders in pure dissapointment.
"But dad,"
"But, wait." He pouted his face and turned around with his chin to the ground. He walked slowly back to his room.
The father saw the reaction and rolled his eyes again. Then he got up from the couch ran for the kid like he was just joking.
"What did you want to show me." He picked the kid up and turned him upside down playfully.
"My cello. I wanna show you what I can do dad." Already the father felt boredom from the child.
The boy reached down for the ground and shot up to his room. He grabbed the neck of his cello and got ready before his dad climbed the last stair to enter into his room.
"Okay, so I taught myself how to play this, but tell me if you know the song." His dad nodded and stood there watching his son. He was fidgeting like he was frustrated and annoyed. Then his tiny fingers hit the board.
A tisket, a tasket, a green and yellow. . .
They both sang that in their head from their different perspectives.
This is his second seven hour lesson and he's already learning how listen and play. His teacher told him he can be extraordinary if he keeps going with this pace. And he wants to. He really really wants to. It makes him happier than video games. Happier than tv. Happier than the bullies at school talking about how small he is or how much of a nerd or geek he is. Or why he won't run with the big boys. Or why he never plays outside.
The father just stands there bored out of his mind. Wondering why this is even a thing. He can't hear the difference between each notes, but he sees the change in his fingers. He just wants to go back watching the game. He's stuck here with this boy who doesn't understand that boys do sports not whatever the hell this is. He thinks this is a disgrace to him. And the other one too. He's playing the bigger one and the most annoying. Carrying in and out of the house. Trying stuff it into the car. Who the hell told them they can even play an instrument? He told them sports. Sports is what they should do. But guess what sports the youngest chooses. Golf, that's not even a sport. At least the oldest chose football. His dad is almost proud of him.
"Done, did you like it dad?" His bright eyes could light up the whole world.
"Yeah, son. It was nice."
"Okay, do you wanna hear something else?"
"No, I don't want to barge into your practice." The little boy realized what his dad was trying to do. He looked down at the cello on the floor and the bow in his hand. He stole a look through his eyelashes at his dad.
"So, what's the score?"
"7-6, you wanna come watch with me?"
". . .No. I wanna keep practicing. I'll come down later."
The father nodded and slowly shut the door behind him.
The boy laid the bow down by the cello and crawled into his bed. He just laid there and started to think. Too much for his age.
The father shook his head in dissapointment and went down to watch the game.
✴✴✴✴
My shoes made squish noises going up the stairs to my dorm. It's not even worth drying off my favorite shoes. I've had these since I was fifteen and I only put them on when I'm feeling like I can defeat the world. And I almost did.
How do they expect me to feel about this whole mess? Do they want me to be okay about the fact that my dad was still here. Physically here and he just didn't have the nerve to actually tell me who the hell he is? And I don't really care about why he had to leave but why did he lie to me about how he was gone. And I always had him in my heart. I thought about him and what he did for me and my family and this whole republic. He died for me.
When I was younger he wasn't the best dad, but at least I had one. And I forgave him for his lack of emotions and I blamed his faults on me. I always thought it was my own fault of why he was never actually there. I even tried quitting everything I did to seek his approval but I just couldn't deal with the fact that I wasn't doing what I love. But doing so I was basically blaming my heart for music on myself. The soul I have was to blame of why my dad didn't encourage and always put me down. And I always thought. At least I have a dad to do that to me.
Now that I know, I just want him to stay dead. He takes advantage of people. He gets to their vulnerability and just sucks at it for his own benefit. And puts all of the pressure on all of his commanders so he could do so.
I'm so naïve. Why am I so oblivious to everything? It's not just a gender thing. I always do this to myself. I believe so many people because I know they mean good. But at the end the person getting hurt is me. I believe too much in people even when they do so much wrong I try to look at the reason why they would do this. My eyes never seek bad. They always seek good and I can't help it.
That's why I want to be with Giuillianna. Everyone always see what's wrong with her, but I never see her flaws as flaws. I always see then as what makes her, her. The freckles on her face represents the lives she's touched. And the scars show how much strength she really has to survive any pain. And her language shows how much she really doesn't seek for everyone's approval.
Who she is isn't a flaw. It just is. You just can't change DNA and make it all perfect. Who I am isn't perfect. It's less perfect than she is because we want to kill people like her when we should find a way to keep them alive so they can live. Not just surviving, living.
And that's what the leader was supposed to do all of his time in the big office. And of course he did nothing. Because he doesn't. He only wanted this job for the money, I bet. And why is it that we never see the leader physically. Like on TV or in magazines. We don't even know his name. Only a small group of people have seen him. And I'm one of them. Is it that he would get killed if the public does recognized him for being selfish. Or has it always been that way?
I got up to the dorm. They were still playing video games.
"Where've you been?" Andrew was the first one to ask.
"None of your business."
"Well jeez. Someone's a little angry." I went into the fridge and pulled out a drink. "What did she break up with you again?" They started to laugh.
"And what if she did? Would it give you the right to keep talking about her behind her back?" He chuckled.
"No I would congratulate you. She's a slut. And you don't need that." It felt like someone was punching me in the stomach.
"What did you say?"
"I said she's gross. Don't get yourself caught up with that mess."
"Mess, the only mess I see is the one that's about to happen if you shut the fuck up."
"Oh now you're threatening me?" He looked over at me as everyone else was.
I was going to walk back to my room but he got up from the couch.
"Alex, all I'm doing is trying to help you not get hurt."
"By accusing her of things she doesn't do? What has she ever done to you?"
"Gotten close to me." I made my hand into fists and started to squeeze. I could feel my joints getting tired and the bottle in my hand might pop.
"Oh well if it's a sin. I'm going to Hell then. And you might be there with me if you don't shut the fuck up." He was a bit taller than me and I had to look up. That didn't scare me. He doesn't scare me.
"Alex, I don't appreciate you talking to me like that."
"And I don't appreciate you talking about her like that."
"Oh, so you're still together." He got closer to me. I could feel his breath on my cheeks. I just can't believe that no one is stopping this.
"Andrew, I don't want to do this right now. Maybe tomorrow because it might give you a better chance." I was going to walk away, but he grabbed my shoulder, stopping me in my tracks.
"Chance in what?" It was almost like his fingertips burned through my jacket and it made me act on the rage that had built up to the edge of my throat.
It was like a split second, but I turned around and swung at his face. He backed up and pressed his fingers on his mouth and the blood was spreading in his mouth. I was going to finish what I started but they grabbed me and pulled me back.
"What the hell Alex?" Juāne said. I could feel my knuckles stinging.
"What happened?" Alec came from his room. He looked at me with worried eyes. And I looked back at Andrew and people holding him back. Then I realized what I just did.
"I'm so sorry, I just. . ." I pulled away from everyone and went into the freezer for an ice pack. "I didn't mean to hit you." I handed him an ice pack. He didn't accept it.
"Stay the hell away from me." He said through clenched teeth. Someone else took the ice pack and followed him to his room.
I ran my hands through my hair and sighed.
"Alex, are you okay? Like what just happened?"
"Nothing," he followed me back to our room. I stuck my hands through my pockets looking for one particular thing. It wasn't there.
I pushed open the door and went into my hamper and looked through dirty jeans and tried to find it. And when I did I studied it one more time. This one picture that I carried and I never let go of.
I crumpled it up and tossed it in the garbage.
"Dude,"
"Get dressed and come with me."
"Why, where are we going? Are you okay?"
"Were taking your car."
"You're really scaring me."
"I'll be waiting for you, downstairs."
✴✴✴✴
I'm here again.
This time it wasn't raining and I wasn't saving someone from the middle of nowhere. I was trying to save the total depression from my brother.
He walked closely behind me like he always does. Almost stepping on my heels.
"Why are we here?"
"Please don't freak out like I did. I'm here again because I was unfair. So please just listen."
"Alright, but why?" I got up to the door and knocked on it.
I heard light footsteps coming to the door and she raised the door.
When she saw me she sympathetically grinned. She grabbed Alec's and my hand and pulled us inside. She went back for the door.
"He's in the bathroom." Then she hugged both of us and pulled her and her mom into her room and shut the door.
He came out and was speaking to Giuls and he got a look at me and then studied Alec.
"Alec,"
"Hello, how are you ?" I could tell he didn't recognize him.
"Good, you don't recognize me, do you?"
"No, but I do know that I look like you. Are you an uncle or cousin I don't know about?" I just looked down at my feet.
"I'm your father, Alec." I could feel his eyes go on me. And I know the disbelief is in there growing.
"My dad's dead. Who the hell are you?"
"I'm your father."
"Is this suppose to be a joke? Because it's not funny."
"No, it's not a joke. I pretended to be dead. For you." I looked up at chief and he couldn't even look at Alec in the face.
"Alex, is this true?" I nodded and looked back at the floor.
"I'm sorry for all of these years lost."
"There lost now. And all you can do is make up for them. My problem is why did you say that you were dead. Why couldn't you just tell us why you left?"
"Well. . .I'm the chief executive. No one should really know that except the people protecting me and certain commanders. Not even your mother." My mother and her big ear-to-ear smile. Just thinking about her makes me cringe.
"But why are you here? In this household. Yes, I know you know Giullianna because she was one of the most important but she was fired by you. Why the hell does she need to go through more pain than she's already had?" My eyes traveled to Alec. His face blushed fiery red.
"And why did you have to disrupt our lives like this.? Or were you? Either answer is just the same negativity because you left us alone till now when u had other options. This is why I don't understand someone like you. You live to mess up people's lives. Everywhere you walk you mess everything up. Judging by your history, you probably took advantage of Giullianna or her mother or both in their life times and mess things up. You've messed up this republic even more than before. You made things worse and now I have to go tend to my family and tell them really bad news. I have to tell them that the dad they thought you were isn't even close to who you really." Then he turned to me. "Let's go home." He stormed out of the living room and went out.
"Have a nice life. Dad." I followed him out to the car and he took the wheel. I got in and I could see his eyes turning red a his cheeks blushing.
"I'm sorry, Alec."
"Me too."