The past few weeks have been magical.
Any other girl my age would probably think I was insane to enjoy racing home from school everyday to spend time with a one year old. But seriously its been the highlights of my day. Everyday she seems to grow bigger and learn more.
The only thing that slightly beats spending time with Hana is when Joon comes home from work and the three of us get to spend time together. We sit in the living room and Joon asks me about my day and what we did. Usually he makes dinner for us too before he brings me home.
That's the worse part, having to leave.
I already feel like I am at home when I am with them so leaving upsets me.
Me and Gina have grown distant because she complains that I never have time for her anymore. She even said its low of me to pretend to care about Joon's baby to make him like me.
She doesn't understand anything. The moment I first heard Hana's cries I bonded with her. I loved her instantly. Maybe it did have to do with her being apart of Joon but I wasn't using her.
And last night I went and did something stupid.
I tried to kiss Joon.
I couldn't control myself.
Spending so much time together has only made me want him more. I am so in love with him that I don't know where I end and he begins. But when I leaned in getting closer and closer, our lips were practically touching when he pulled back. I can still see the look on his face in my mind. It was a cross between regret and determination.
"Lani, we can't." He said agonizingly.
"Why not? Why can't we?" I had insisted. I knew that he had feelings for me. I saw the way he watched me when he thought I wasn't looking and how he smiled happily when he walked through the front door to see me and Hana standing there.
"Your just to young. Your in high school. I am an adult. I have a child to take care of. You can't possibly want all this." He said spreading his arms out.
"I do want this." I said fiercely. I wanted it all. I wanted to wake up every morning to him and Hana. I wanted to be there when Hana turned two, when she started school, when she got her first crush. I wanted to grow old with Joon. Watch him as he got older and laugh with him when he found his first Grey hair. I may only be seventeen but I knew what I wanted.
He shook his head. "You don't know what your talking about. Maybe now this is what you think you want but in the end it won't be. Your only seventeen. You have your whole life ahead of you."
It was frustrating that no one thought I knew what I wanted. That just because I was seventeen that meant I couldn't be serious about my affection and what I wanted my life to be about. Joon and Hana are my life and no one seems to realize that yet.
I was walking down the hallway and I saw Shay. She was standing at her locker but she didn't seem to be putting anything inside. She seemed lost in thought. I hope she's ok. I debated on if I should stop and ask her but then decided against it. We aren't friends and she probably wouldn't want me in her business.
I was walking past her when suddenly she turned and bumped into me.
"We have got to stop meeting like this. I keep knocking into you." She said.
I laughed. "Its ok. Atleast I don't have any books in my hands this time." I told her.
"Yeah, that's a plus." She said absently. And then she was crying. It was so sudden that I didn't know what to do. "Oh my god. What's wrong?" I asked. Was she hurt anywhere? I noticed what looked like a bruise on her lip but that was all.
"Lani." I could hear Gina calling from somewhere behind me.
Shay quickly turned her back. She probably didn't want anyone to see her like this and I couldn't leave her alone. She obviously needed someone. Ever since I saw her at Rising Sun a few days ago I knew there was something wrong.
Her father was acting erratically making a scene and yelling at the wait staff. Then when Shay tried to stop and convince him to leave he had knocked her down. When I rushed over to help her she had looked so embarrassed. Then she had kept insisting that everything was ok. The next day in school she had seeked me out to tell me everything was fine. I knew it wasn't true then, and I know it isn't now.
"Not now Gina. I have to go. Tell Mr. Collins that I went home because I felt sick." I said as I ushered Shay out the door. I was still mad at Gina for what she said about my relationship with Joon and Hana.
"Thanks for getting me out of there." she said gratefully.
She was in no shape to stay in school and I didn't want her to go home. So I convinced her to come to Joon's apartment. He had given me a key as soon as I started watching Hana for him after school.
Shay told me a little about her dad and his anger problem. Its obvious that he abuses her. I got the feeling that she didn't want to talk to much about it though. It was probably awkward for her.
"How old are you?" She asked me.
"Seventeen I'll be eighteen in two weeks." I said quickly thinking I must look young.
She laughed. "You just seem older."
Well that's a first. Everyone around me thinks I am just a child and that my feelings can't be consider because apparently a child's love is fickle. Yeah I am still pissed about Joon assuming that I would change my mind about him, about Hana.
"Well I've grown up a lot in the last few weeks." I told her truthfully. "I kinda had too. IM proving to someone that I'm old enough to know what I want and how to handle it."
We spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon watching movies. It was fun hanging out with her. Shay was really funny and sweet at the same time. Even though she was older than me she treated me like an equal. She reminded me a lot of Arielle. She was my new confidant. I was able to talk to her about what I was feeling towards Jong Hyun and how difficult it was to love him when he wouldn't give us a chance. Her experience with Woo Bin wasn't exactly like mines but it was similar and she gave great advice.
I would have to call her and ask her how I should act when I face Joon later. After last night when I tried to kiss him and we got into the argument, I sulked. He tried to talk to me and play around like he hadn't just smashed my heart and I ignored him. I didn't say a word to him as he drove me home.
I'm not still mad at him. I know he's just worried about what others would think. But I am upset that he doesn't believe enough in me to know that what I feel for him is real.