If you were to tell me, roughly seven years ago, where my life would be like now, I would probably laugh and call you crazy. The idea that my four best friends would pick up instruments and form a band would result in a giggle. Michael couldn't even hold a pencil correctly, Ashton was older and restless, Luke focused more on memorizing the periodic table, and Calum wouldn't be seen without a ball near his feet.
If you would have told me, seven years ago, that I would have gotten in a car accident, I probably would have never went into a car. I would spent hours in my backyard, having Michael teach me to ride a bike, like he did, and ride it practically everywhere.
If you would have told me, seven years ago, that I would fall in love with Calum Hood, I would be able to taste last nights mac and cheese in my mouth. I would have kicked his shin and run away to the tree house Liz had built in their backyard when Jack was little. I couldn't have fathomed someone better than Daniel Levy, the ultimate grade 6 crush. He had eyes made of glass and smile of porcelain, and a mom who made the best cupcakes.
I would have prepared myself. Looked at countless magazine advice columns, preventing myself from doing something that would ultimately be the best and worst thing to happen to me. I would have brought Luke in the closet that night, and have the butterflies in my stomach learn his face, and my tongue to memorize the outline of his name. I would have nailed a "do not enter" sign on my heart, and hope Calum wouldn't have.
But now, I lie next to my lover, who lies directly on his left side, closest to the wall. He has had the same pillow since he was 15, his sister poorly sewed it up for him after a pillow fight. He is shirtless, since the heat in his room is unbearable and he is always warm. He had gotten used to me always wrapping his cover around me, for I was always cold, and tossed too much to cuddle all the time.
I am stuck staring at the ceiling, my mind wandering on its own. I play around my fingers for comfort.
"Cal?" I turned on my side, to face him, scared of putting my cold fingers on his skin.
"Hmm." He mumbled, still mostly asleep. He could never fully fall asleep if I didn't, since it bothered him when my mind was racing.
"I can't sleep." I whispered to him, moving closer to his body. He groaned, I am not sure if it was out of annoyance, but he turned to face me nonetheless.
"What are you thinking about?" He asked, which was infused with a yawn. I looked down, staring at the couple of inches between us.
"I don't know. The boys, my parents, us, college. A whole bunch of things I guess." I sighed, putting my hair behind my ear, licking my lips that were dry.
"Michael is probably up, wanking and watching a movie. Luke is probably restless, his guitar in his hand as he throws away yet another song that could be a hit. Ashton is up thinking of Abigial, even though he would never admit it, and is probably plotting the nice punch he will give me, before he forgives me." He said, his eyes still closed.
"As for your parents, well —" He paused for a second, trying to choose his next word carefully, "they still hate each other, thats not going to change."
I let out a weak laugh, agreeing with him.
"You got accepted to UCLA, which is the school of your dreams. You'll probably get a group of friends who are all art majors of some art medium, you being a music and sociology double major. You will have pictures of the five of us, plastered on the wall, and on some lonely nights, you'll look at a picture of me and slip your hands down—"
I covered his mouth immediately, trying not the shriek in embarrassment, but that didn't stop the blood from rushing towards my cheeks. "You can't say that Calum!" I told him. A cocky grin was planted on his tired face.
"Oh don't act like you don't touch yourself to the thought of me. I remember that one phone call. " He smirked, recalling this one time when we started sleeping together often. He was able to sweet talk his away into phone sex, and I was too blindly in lust to go ahead with it. It had also been the first time I've heard him moan loudly.
"That was months ago!" I whined, laughing as I moved myself closer to his chest. He had already created an opening, the perfect size for me and eventually pulled me in. I could hear his heart beat, and it scared me how much it felt like I was listening to mine.
"I hate how you can do this." I finally found the courage to say, spending the whole night next to him and having to bite my tounge.
"Do what, exactly?" he asked, and it was genuine. "Am I doing something wrong?"
"No, no. Well, not intentionally of course. " I felt his fingers slip into mine, his thumb rubbing my skin. "I just hate that you can do this."
"Babe, I am going to need you to explain." He whined, looking down at me. I couldn't pluck up the courage to look into his eyes, knowing that I hate feeling weak.
"I dont know." I mumbled softly. "I hate how you're the only person who has made me both the happiest and the saddest I have ever been." I closed my eyes, licking my semi chapped lips. "And I don't get how you have that power over me. Its like you own me or something. It's like I belong to you. Controlled by you."
I let out a shaky breath, admitting something that had buried deeply in my thoughts. It had always begged to come out, begged to be confessed, and although it was quite evident, I think I need to realize it for myself before telling him.
"My every mood is dictated by the look on your face. If you furrow your brows and your face turns slightly red, my blood boils. If your eyes sadden, or you bite your quivering lip, my heart begins to break. And I just don't get it." I confessed. "Do you realize how toxic that is? How toxic we are?"
"Yes." He cleared his throat. "Yeah, we are a pretty toxic pair."
"But you are the best and worst for me. It's cliché, but I honestly cannot live with or without you. We've become the couple of every screenplay that the people behind the screen secretly root for, no matter how much they aware that the couple is messy, and broken, and just, toxic. I am latching on to the idea that even after all of this, the fighting, the making up, the I love you's and the sorry's, that we will have a happily ever after."
"As if the concept of love is so fixed." A pit forming at the bottom of his throat. I could hear it as he cleared his throat once again. "There's not black and white when it comes to love. There's no right or wrong. There's a shit ton of grey and things that can be seen from both sides. Not everyone gets the happily ever after, not even the ones who deserve it the most."
"I know that Cal, I do." I stammered on my words. "I just, I just don't know what's going to happen from here." I admitted. "Whenever things go good, the scale has to tip eventually. Nothing remains balanced."
"So you believe that there is more crap yet to come?" He questioned, resulting into a nod. "Why can't you ever be satisfied."
"Why couldn't you?" I spat back quickly, but not out of anger. "I was satisfied, I am satisfied. I know what I want and I know that it's you. But I also understand the circumstances suck and what has happened over these past few months have been nothing but shitty. And that has ruined us. You have ruined me and I have ruined you."
"And I guess you have that control over me too." He admitted, cutting me off so suddenly. "The ability to ruin me, making me both the happiest and saddest I could ever be. You own me. You control me, I belong to you."
"You have a crappy way of showing that." I told him, referring to what has happened these last few months, even these last couple of weeks.
"Well, how about—" his words trailed off as he leaned down towards me. Our lips gently brushed against one another, before he made the first move. I didn't dare to move away as my body felt warm at the familiarity of his lips. He claims I control him, but yet he is able to make all the problems in the world fade just by doing this. And it honestly scared me that he could.
"Having sex isn't going to fix this Calum." I pulled away the moment he broke away from the kiss and began trailing down my neck.
"Making love." he corrected me. "When you say sex, it just seems like another act. I enter inside you, one pump chump and its over. But when you love someone, like I love you, its not just an act anymore. It's not just something to get off to. It's showing someone how much you love them. It's more intimate."
"I love you for thinking like that, I do. But you've never made it seems like it was that genuine, that you were showing me that you loved me. It was an act for you, for the both of us. I mean, isnt that how this started?" I let out a weak chuckle, nervously playing around with my thumbs.
"Doesn't mean that's how its supposed to end." He responded.
"Well, we aren't have sex, or making love, or anything of that manner tonight. At least not again." I told him, moving further back from him.
"Are you done speaking then?" His eyebrows raised, "because I would really like to go to sleep now?"
I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He bit the corner of his mouth in anger and turned his back to face me. He turned off the lamp, that was beside his bed, and hummed lyrics to one of their songs.
"Okay, now you're just being immature Cal." I finally spoke up. He continued humming. "So now you're just going to ignore me?"
"I am not ignoring you Scarlet. I am trying to go to sleep." He still never turned around to face me.
"We weren't done speaking." I crossed my arms into my chest. He groaned loudly into his pillow, turning the light off, and sitting up next to me.
"Okay, what else do you so desperately need to talk about? Because if this is going to turn into another fight, please let me know so I can stop it before it begins."
"This is not going to turn into another fight!" I groaned, throwing my head back. It never dawned to me how prone we are to fighting. We never bickered, always argued, but both aren't healthy at all.
"My parents are down the hall, can you keep your voice down?" He whispered loudly to me, pointing at the door.
"What? You don't want them to know there's trouble in paradise." I looked at him.
"There has always been trouble in paradise." He quickly spat back.
"And a person who is willing to do nothing to fix that!"
He shushed me again, pointing at the door as a reminder. Regardless of how quite he wants me to be, Mali's room was next to his and the walls were paper thin.
"You think I have never tried to fix this?" He pointed towards chest, his face becoming red.
"Yes Calum! Sleeping with Jenni is your idea of fixing it?" I spat back at him.
"God, why do you keep bringing up Jenni?" He complained, rubbing his eyes. He was angry, but tired, and I could see that he did not want to be in this situation. Not again.
"Because just weeks ago, you were catering at her altar!"
"Because I thought she was having my baby!"
"And that wouldn't have happened if you would've have fought for me instead of sleeping with other girls to get the taste of me out your mouth!" I gasped for air, feeling my eyes water. I slap the mattress beside me, swearing at myself for crying. I felt that I was always crying. I was the the weak one.
"I did fight for you, Scarlet!" He yelled, this time not caring about his parents hearing, or the annoying neighbors dog barking. "It was either me or Luke. I fought for you."
I swallowed hard, the back of my throat squeezing tightly. "That is not what I meant Calum. You and Luke fighting over me, makes me feel like I am an object, some prize. You had already won me that day, in the closet. There was not much fighting you had to do." I confessed. "I meant after that night, the night I left your house. I wanted you to fight for me then. "
"I did!" He shouted, this time louder than before. He had already gotten up from the bed, pacing around the room to calm down. "I told you to stay, I ran after you and you drove off. I called you a gazillion times, sent you flowers, came to your house for crying at loud! I did fight for you, but the more I fought, the more you pushed me away. You are always pushing me away."
"T-thats not tr—"
"You can never be satisfied Scarlet and thats what I was saying before!" He cut me off. "You pushing me away is not going to fix this. I was standing at this very spot, just months ago, begging you to stay. " His face was flushed red. "I was standing at this very spot, just months, madly in love with you. I never wanted you to go." His words trailed off as his voice croaked at the end.
He cleared his throat, wiping whatever tears were collecting at the brim of his eyes. "I never wanted you to go."
I stared at him, biting harshly on my bottom lip. The sound of someone's knuckles, softly knocked on the door. Familiar strands of hair peaked in before her face did.
"Just a reminder that voices do carry." Mali whispered, staring at the both of us. Two lovers, torn apart.
"It's okay, I was just leaving." I said, getting up from the bed. I grabbed my clothes from the floor.
"Scarlet please." Calum spoke softly.
"No, I should. It's really late and if I stay, things aren't going to get better so I should go." I put his hoodie on, the one he gave to me when we first became whatever the hell we were.
"Scarlet wait." Calum ran after me, after I weakly smiled at Mali and walked past her. I had already made it down the stairs of his house. He was somehow able to beat me to the door, blocking it. "Don't go."
"Cal." My words were soft.
"I am not doing this again." He cried out. "I know this scene all too well and I don't like how it ends. "
"Cal." I spoke again.
"This is me, begging you to stay." He continued cutting me off. "This is me, standing in this very spot, madly in love with you, telling you not to go."
"And this me, standing in the spot, madly in love with you, but having to go." My ball forming in my throat. "I have to pack, buy my plane ticket. My do-over in life starts in a few weeks. Don't you think its better to end whatever this is, now?"
His face was brooding as he bit the corner of his mouth to fight back tears.
"Do-over?" Calum's words breaking apart. "Buying a plane ticket and moving thousands of miles away isn't a reset button."
"Well it's mine." My fingers traced the gold doorknob of his house, turning it slightly. The cold air hit my spine and made his cheeks redder than before.
We didn't say much to each other after that. He didn't have his feet get pricked with pebbles if he were to run after me. My fingers didn't search up a playlist for lonely days. Holiday by Green Day blasted through my earbuds as I strolled down the dimly lit street.
I thought about going back. Rushing through the door and pressing my lips onto his lips, lying through my teeth about how this could work out, but that will be useless.
As I walked around the streets that I have grown to love, realizing that this will soon be over, I began to think about the future. Hopefully, if the universe would finally be on my side, Calum and I will cross paths agains. And not paths as in friendly paths, we were tied together by an unbreakable friendship for five. But that as lovers, we will meet again, when we are better for each other.
And as I walked into the hospital that night, the idea of that warmed me up more than heat of the building could.
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literally heartache on the big screen
ba dum tiss
this isnt exactly over yet, i have like two more chapters and i have decided on doing a sequel !!! if it goes as planned it will start in jan 2016
thanks for coming on this ride with me
twitter: @plvtonic