Stevie looked up at him with wide eyes. Had he really just said that?
She swallowed hard, unable to move one inch as he opened up his eyes and pulled her on top of him to cover her face with warm and loving kisses, "That was wonderful, Steves. Just... Wow."
She said nothing in return, just nodded and faked a smile to show him she had heard what he had just said.
When Lindsey buried her underneath him a few moments later and started loving on her, she couldn't stop her thoughts from racing inside of her head. Why had he said that he loved her? Had it just been an expression of lust at the height of his climax, just something he had said to tell her that he was satisfied with her blowjob? And what if he did mean it? What if..-
"Stevie? Stevie? Stephanie?"
"Huh?"
"Where were you?", Lindsey laughed and looked lovingly into her eyes as he caressed her cheek.
"Umm, what?"
"You were certainly not here with me.."
"I was just... thinking.", Stevie lied and escaped his eyes.
"Baby, what's up? One second you're all horny and sensual and suddenly you're somewhere else. You're not even wet anymore..", he said worriedly, bringing his fingers up from in between her thighs to show her how dry they were.
"I'm sorry.", she mumbled and freed herself out of his embrace, "I'm just not in the mood anymore.."
"Stevie, what..-"
"Please, don't. Just don't."
"Have I done something wrong?"
"No."
"Can we talk about this?"
"Lindsey, it's nothing really. I just.. I'm tired."
"Stephanie..-"
"Please leave.", Stevie said and turned away from him, hiding her naked body underneath the covers, suddenly feeling way too exposed in front of him.
"What? Why?", Lindsey asked confused and tried hard to get her to look into his eyes but failed miserably.
"I need some sleep. And some time on my own. Can you please go to your own room tonight?", she pleaded with him, choking back her upcoming tears.
"But baby, I don't wanna go. I don't wanna sleep alone tonight. I wanna stay here with you.. Hold you, cuddle you.. Stephanie, please.. I missed you so much.."
She turned around and looked at him as she heard the cracking of his voice. He sounded so vulnerable and sad and when she met his intense blue eyes, she saw just how confused, worried and hurt he was by her sudden denial.
"I'm sorry..", she mumbled, "but I can't. I need some space. Lindsey, please. Leave me alone tonight."
"Is this really what you want?", he asked, regarding her intently.
No, she thought, I wanna know what's wrong with you, why you just said that you love me, if you mean it and if so, what are we going to do about it...
"Yes."
"Your last word?", he asked again.
Stevie nodded and looked away when he then got up to get dressed, finding it to be almost unbearable to watch him leave when she secretly wanted nothing but know what was going on in that pretty, curly head of his and needed him to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay.
"You're beautiful, you know.", he said when he brought up her chin, pecking her on the lips one last time, then left, saying, "Sleep well. I know I won't without you next to me tonight.. I see you tomorrow."
The tears started flowing the second she heard the door closing behind him. What was wrong with her? And what the hell had she become? She was too scared to ask him about his true feelings, fearing that he might not feel the same for her as she did for him and he was going to end their affair, making her the one ending up with a broken heart again. Over the years, she had experienced it again and again and again.. Men loved having affairs but as soon as their "mistress" started wanting more, they ran back to their wives and she was the one crying herself to sleep at night. She had sworn herself again and again to never start an affair with a married man again and here she was: 67 years old, banging her highschool sweetheart who was married to a woman 21 years younger than her with whom he had three beautiful children.
Within the last five months she had successfully ignored the fact that he wasn't single but in a relationship with a beautiful, young woman. Now, after he had just said those three magical words which had been on the tip of her tongue for months, secretly wanting nothing but hearing them finally coming out of his mouth, she was back on an emotional rollercoaster that kept her up at night, making it impossible for her to fall asleep.
-
The following weeks of the Australian tour leg went by in a hurry. Somehow, Stevie had once again managed to keep her true feelings under the surface, at least when Lindsey was around. They kept spending their nights together, still avoiding any type of serious conversation. Their love-making remained as passionate and fiery as always but Lindsey had not once said the three little words again, confirming her first thought of him only saying that in the heat of the moment when he had been filled with lust and not been capable of thinking straight.
It was after one of their shows when Stevie was sitting in her dressing room all by herself, removing her make-up as the tears suddenly started running down her cheeks again. At first, she tried to wipe them away but after some time, she put down the tissue and just watched herself being completely miserable and vaulnerable in the big mirror in front of her. She was so in love with Lindsey that the thought of them soon going back to LA again was almost unbearable. She knew he would most likely try his best to visit her as often as possible but knowing that there still was another woman and three children in his life, a family that she wasn't part of, ripped her heart apart.
"You're so fucking stupid..", she mumbled to her own reflection in the mirror, "Why did you ever let him back into your bed?! Why did you ever write him this fucking letter? And why for fuck's sake did you have to fall in love with him again?!"
"With whom?"
Stevie jumped up from her chair as she heard a sudden voice asking her that question. She turned around, eagerly trying to wipe away her tears and smearing the rest of her eye make-up all over her cheeks, as she saw Christine standing in the door frame of her dressing room.
"You didn't knock."
"I did. About ten times. When no one answered, I just stepped in.", Chris said, "With whom did you fall in love again, Stevie? And what letter?!"
"It's nothing.", Stevie said and removed her eyes from the older blonde who knew always far too well when she was lying.
"Stevie..", Chris sighed, closed the door behind her and went further into the room, "Don't tell me it's nothing, when you're sitting here in your dressing room, crying like crazy and talking to yourself again. You're not a good actress, you've never been.."
"Chris please. This is none of your business. Leave me alone..", Stevie said and slumped down on a couch, trying hard to regain her composure.
Christine watched her friend for a while, saying nothing, then sitting down next to her and taking her into her arms, "I got you, Stevie. You know, I'll always be there for you.. You can talk to me."
And that was when Stevie lost it completely and cried desperately into Christine's black blouse, wetting the soft material with her flowing tears.
"Chris, I'm so fucking stupid!"
"Stevie, what'swrong?"
"I just.. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I promised myself over and over to never let this happen again, and here I am, being a complete mess.. I'm too fucking old for all of this..", she sobbed.
"What happened? Tell me, what happened!", Chris said softly and stroked lovingly Stevie's long hair.
"I.. Well, I..", she couldn't get the words out, "I'm sleeping with Lindsey. Again."
Christine let go of her, brought up Stevie's chin and looked deeply into the other woman's dark brown eyes, "You must be kidding me.."
"I'm not."
"Again, Stevie? Really? You and Buckingham? After all that happened between the two of you?"
"I know. I don't need you to tell me how stupid I am."
"I'm sorry.. Stevie, this is not how I meant it.. It's just.. I can't believe you're having an affair again.."
"Me neither."
"How did that happen? And for how long?"
"Oh God, don't even get me started.. It's just ridiculous!"
"You need to tell me! I wanna know!"
"It was shortly after my birthday..."
"The end of May? Wait.. So this is going on for over half a year already?", Christine said with wide eyes.
Stevie nodded slowly and once again took another tissue to dry her face off of tears, "I was lonely.. I was, you know, sitting in my hotel room all by myself and...-"
"And that was when Lindsey came by trying to rescue you!", Chris panted with rage, "I'm going to kill that bastard for taking advantage of you when he knew you were at your weakest..-"
"That's not how it happened, Chris!", Stevie interrupted her, "It wasn't Lindsey's fault.. In fact, it was mine, well at least the part of continuing this affair.. The rest might be some kind of destiny.."
"Destiny?", Chris sighed, knowing far too well how esoteric Stevie was.
"Yes.."
"Tell me, what did happen to make the two of you fall back into bed together?"
"I wrote him a letter.."
"A letter?"
"Yes.. I mean, I wrote a letter.. But I never wanted to give it to him.. It was more like, you know.. I wrote it for myself.."
"Huh? You need to give me some more information here, my love..", Chris chuckled.
"Oh God.. This is so embarassing...", Stevie said and covered her face with her hands while she was blushing.
"Come on.. Don't be so shy! It can't be too bad!", Chris nudged her playfully.
"I was horny, Chris.", Stevie said, closing her eyes, "I was horny and I wrote a letter in which I described mine and Lindsey's last night together.. It was very detailed.. And somehow the letter found its way to Lindsey. Karen gave it to him, thinking it was for him because I wrote Lindsey's name on the envelope."
"Holy shit.."
"Yes. Holy shit. I tried to get it back before he could read it but I failed miserably and then.. Well, Lindsey came knocking at my door in the middle of the night and..", she trailed off.
"And?"
"You know..", Stevie shot her a look, "It kinda happened.."
"Was it good?"
"It was amazing. Fucking amazing. It was perfect.", Stevie sighed.
"Well, at least it was worth it.", Christine laughed and patted her friend's shoulder, "What happened then?"
"Lindsey and I promised each other that this was an one-nightstand. That it could never happen again.. But.."
"But it did."
"Yes. I don't know what it was but I just couldn't get enough of him. I was kinda addicted to him, literally obsessed. I wanted him. Again and again. At first, Lindsey tried to, you know, stay strong and resist.. But shortly after, he lost control too, and we weren't able to stay away from each other anymore."
"God, that sounds as if I was catapultated right back into the late 70s! I knew you two haven't grown up one bit! Why can't you just behave yourselves like Johnny and I? Do you see us jumping back into bed together? - No! We behave ourselves!", Christine chuckled.
"Chris, please.. I really don't need this right now. I know how insane it all sounds.."
"You know what, Stevie? There is a reason why the two of you cannot stay away from each other."
"You think so, too?", Stevie asked sheepishly, looking hopefully into her oldest friend's eyes.
"Yes, I do. You know I was never the type of girl that believed in destiny but since I've known you and Lindsey, it kinda changed. It's always been like that between the two of you. And I honestly think, that you two belong together."
Stevie was speechless, "You don't think this is all absolutely fucked up and crazy and..-"
"Of course, it is. But this is just like the two of you are. It's never been easy with you."
"That's true.."
"So.. What are you gonna do about it? Will he leave his wife?"
"What?! No! I mean.. I don't think so.. We didn't talk about that.. We just met and spent time together."
"You mean you just fucked?"
"It was more than that...", Stevie said slowly.
"Tell me about it."
"He came by during the break. I mean, regularly. He spent at least four days a week at my condo. We cooked together. He made me pancakes..", Stevie smiled at the memory, "We cuddled. We watched movies. We danced together. We talked and laughed and bathed together. It was just like before we joined the band. When it was just the two of us."
"You're completely in love with him, aren't you?"
Stevie looked up, tears dwelling in her big brown eyes, nodding, "Yes, I am..".
"Oh Stevie.. Did you tell him? Does he know how you feel about him?"
"No.. "
"What does he say? Do you know how he feels?"
"No.."
"Oh Jesus. That figures..", Christine sighed.
"Chris, I just don't know what to do.. How am I gonna go on from now on? I can't break up with him again. I just can't. I can't deal with any more heartache.."
"But you can't live like that either, Stevie. Look at you! You're a complete mess!"
They fell in silence for awhile.
"He told me he loves me."
"What?! When?!"
"But I'm not sure how he meant it and if he even did mean it..."
"Huh?", Christine was clearly confused by now.
"He told me so after... after.. well, you know...", Stevie mumbled, her cheeks turning pink.
"No, I don't know. After what?"
"After I gave him head..", the younger woman said very quietly.
"Oh God!", Chris chuckled, "I honestly thought, we'd never have conversations like this ever again. And here we are, you telling me about giving Lindsey head!"
"Chris, this is not funny!", Stevie shrieked, "I'm just so confused.. And there is no one I can talk to about it! It's been weeks since he said that and.. I think it was just because of the blowjob.. I've always been good at it.."
"Too much information, Stevie! Too much information!"
"Sorry. I'm just, you know.. I don't know what to do.."
"What about talking to him about it?", Chris asked her as if it was the easiest thing in the world.
"But what if it's just sex for him? I could not take it! I swear, I'd be dying from heartache."
"Stevie", Christine took both of Stevie's hands into hers, making her look at her, "It's never been just sex between the two of you. And you know that just as well as I do."
"But things have changed, Chris. We're not in our twenties or thirties anymore. He is married. He has three children.."
"Well, honestly, you knew that before you jumped back into bed with him!"
"I know..", Stevie cried again, "And I knew it while I continued sleeping with him those past months.. Sometimes, I just feel dirty and cheap, you know. I never wanted to be the woman on the side again. But it seems as if this is my destiny. I've always been the woman in the shadows.."
"This is not true."
"Yes, it is. Look at my life. Look at my relationships! After breaking up with Lindsey, all I ever had were crappy affairs with married men or rockstars that still fucked around while being with me. No one really loved me. Mick left me for one of my best friends, Don made me abort a pregnancy and even Joe said.. said I never really was important to him at all...", Stevie was crying desperately by now. All the heartache and disappointment of the past thirty years were coming up again.
"Oh Stevie, please stop crying.. It's not worth it.. They're not worth it!", Christine tried to soothe her, "They were all stupid bastards.."
"When I look back at my life I just feel like a big failure.."
"How can you say anything like that?!"
"Because it's true. I pour my heart out in my songs, I'm such a romantic. But I'm the most fucked up person when it comes to my own relationships.. I failed all along the way."
"Oh honey.."
"You know what? I recently found an old magazine shot of myself. It was from my first years with Fleetwood Mac and they asked me about what I wanted my life to look like ten years later from then. Wanna know what I said?"
"I'm not sure..", Chris said slowly, preparing herself for yet another blow.
"'I wanna have children, at least two of them, a bunch of cats and dogs, live in a beautiful house somewhere up in the mountains with a man that loves me and a beautiful grand piano' – that's what I said! And now look at my life! I have more houses than I can live in, an old little dog and a few pianos. And where are the things that really count? Where are the man and the children that love me?!"
"You obviously can't go on like that, Stevie! This affair is tearing you apart!"
"You think I just said that because of my affair with Lindsey?!", Stevie asked wide-eyed, "This has nothing to do with it! These thoughts have been occupying me since I'm off of Klonopin! Where's my happy ending, huh?! He was the one, Chris! Lindsey was the one and I made him go!"
"But I thought he was the one leaving you back in the late 90s!"
"No, he wasn't..", Stevie said very quietly, she had never told anybody this before.
"Huh? I thought he left you for Kristen?", Chris asked, confusion written all over her face.
"It was completely different. I was the one who broke up with him again because I once again lost one of his children. I couldn't see him hurting any longer! I told him to go and find a woman young and healthy enough to give him a family.. He didn't want to leave me. I gave him no chance to stay and left him once again.."
"You never told me this..", Christine said, overwhelmed by what she had just heard.
"He went out that night", Stevie continued, the words of the painful memory escaping her lips for the very first time, "got drunk and met Kristen. He slept with her. It was an one-nightstand, nothing serious. He was hurt.. He came back to me again and again, banging at my door to fight for our love. A few weeks later, he found out he was going to be a dad.. I made him go."
"Oh, Stevie..."
"And this is why I can't talk to him about my feelings for him, you know. I broke his heart over and over again. I made him leave me. Who am I to tell him now to leave his wife for me, when I was the one telling him to marry her in the first place?!"