I placed a bookmark into my book and turned over in my bed to glance at the alarm clock sitting beside my bed.
6:30am.
I reluctantly slid myself out of my warm bed, my painted toes touching the cool flooring as i stepped over to my bathroom to brush my teeth.
I looked into the mirror and what i saw back was unpleasant to say the least.
My face was hollowed out. sunken in cheeks and i had massive under eye bags.
Sighing, i placed the toothbrush back into its holder, spat into the sink and went to go shower.
The water touching my skin pained me. My fresh cuts on my thigh stinging.
After i washed, left the shower and rewrapped my leg, i quickly shoved on a fresh pair of pajamas and went over to where my makeup was.
I applied mascara, a little bit of eyeliner and filled in my eyebrows slightly. I then lined my lips with a soft pink lip liner and applied some cherry flavored lip gloss on over it.
I'm going to try and act like everything is completely normal to get Lupin off my back, and the best way to do that is to wear makeup.
Normally I'm not too bothered about going to classes with little to no makeup on, i always liked to make an effort for myself but it didn't phase me either way. However now, i look horrid without it. So this is what it must be like from now on, especially if i was to keep up with this act.
After i had finished my makeup i went to look back at the time.
7:15am.
Breakfast starts in 15 minutes.
I would much prefer not to go to breakfast. I hadn't eaten a proper meal in ages and i didn't feel hungry. The mere thought of food repulsed me. But if i didn't turn up to breakfast and eat something, Lupin would surely have something to say to me, and i need to prove to him that nothing is going on and I'm fine.
With that in mind, i went over to my wardrobe, grabbed out a fresh set of my uniform, with tights rather then socks because of my recent infliction of wounds, and slowly put them on. Maybe if i take long enough putting on my robes, breakfast would be nearing to an end i will only have time to grab something quick. Lupin cant blame me for that.
I finally finished getting ready, put my shoes on, grabbed my bag and wand, making sure to put my book into my bag and then left my room.
Everyone was already in the hall having breakfast, bar one person. Hermione.
I saw her sitting at the edge of the arm of the couch, book in hand, wand tucked behind her ear, flicking the pages of her book frantically.
I always admired how she could get so sucked into something that the rest of the world became secondary characters. This i felt was why me and her got on so well. we were both alike in this aspect.
i step down the last step of the staircase slowly and tucked my wand into my robe pocket.
"uh, hi?" i said uneasily, wringing my hands together nervously. "Abby hi!" she closed her book and walked over to me. "I though I'd wait for you and we could walk down to breakfast together?" "oh.. i wish i would've known, breakfast is nearly over.." a pang of guilt hit me like a gun shot. "nah its ok!" she said enthusiastically, "I'm not that hungry anyways, thought I'd just grab an apple or something" she crossed her arms over her chest and smiled, "Harry and Ron was waiting here too but you know how Ron is with his food.." she trailed of laughing slightly under her breath. "hahaha yeah i do" she motioned towards the door and started walking, "lets go then!" smiling and looking back at me as she saw me follow behind her.
we were nearly at the great hall now, me still walking behind her, pulling on the more loose thread that hung of my robe sleeve, i grabbed her arm slightly and stopped. "'mione listen, I'm sorry about everything, I've just been super tired recently and.." she raised her hand to stop me talking, "no it was me Abby, i shouldn't have just dropped you like that, its not your fault its mine" she looked slightly sad but then looked into my eyes smiling, "I was just hoping we could start over". I looked at her slightly confused. 'It was my fault, i screamed at her without any reason why. Why was she apologizing to me? I don't deserve to be friends with her..'
"You know you don't have to be nice to me if you don't want to, i would understand.." i looked down at my feet and sighed under my breathe "i wouldn't blame you, i was horrid to you when you were just trying to help".
Hermione frowned and pouted slightly, "I'm not just pretending to be nice to you, your my friend, and i want us to be ok again, for us to be able to all hang out together again, all three of us have missed you"
I looked up at her, my eyes slightly welling at her words but i just smiled, "me too". She smiled back and we continued to walk the rest of the way to the hall then sat down with Harry and Ron.
"Everythin' ok wif us now then?" Ron said through a stuffed face of toast. I laughed in response, "yeah everything is cool" Harry turned over to face me and offered me a smile then reached over and squeezed my hand, "good" he said then he turned his attention back to his food.
Hermione and Harry engaged in a lively conversation about the actual dangers of quidditch so my mind drifted to the food.
I glanced up to the teachers table and saw Lupin looking at me attentively.
I looked from him to the clock and saw i still had 20 minutes left of breakfast. Enough time for anyone to eat something proper..
I brought my attention back over to the table where all the food was laid. Gulping, i grabbed some toast and spread some jam on it, also grabbing the orange juice and pouring myself a glass, then i looked down at what i had to consume.
Maybe if i could focus my attention on something else while eating, it wouldn't be too bad?
I grabbed A picture of Dorian Gray out of my bag and opened the page to where i was up to last, taking the bookmark out and putting it in my pocket, i started reading while i reached out, picked up my piece of toast and took a small bite out of it and swallowed, without ever averting my gaze from my book.
The piece of toast felts like i had swallowed a large rock. I could feel it go down my throat and instantly felt sick. Not wanting to cause suspicion though, i took another bite and then another. Just focusing on my book, i managed to eat the entire piece and then downed the whole glass of orange juice.
I instantly felt the feeling of the food filling my stomach and i didn't like it.
I had gotten used to the feeling of my empty stomach that even with the slightest bit of food i had felt uncomfortable with the feeling.
The sensation of slight fullness made me feel fat.
I had noticed my body change since i had started skipping meals and i didn't hate it.
This piece of food i had consumed was going to change everything.
It would just give my father another reason to hurt me. Because i am ugly. Because i am fat.
I needed to get it out of my body somehow.
The next best thing to not eating is just forcing myself to throw the food up.
I stood up abruptly and grabbed my bag which caused all three of my friends to turn the heads and look at me, "meet you guys in class okay, just going to the bathroom" "oh okay." Hermione said, confused look on her face, "are you okay?" "yeah, just need to use the toilet before class." and before anyone else could say something, i had walked off.
Nothing had changed, everything was going to stay the same..
------------------------------------------------------
The school day went as smoothly as can be expected.
I earned a few glances from Lupin when we crossed paths and i could feel my own nervous energy but except from that it was fine.
I went down to the great hall and ate during both lunch and dinner but now I'm just throwing it all up straight after. This way Lupin can see I'm eating but I'm not gaining any weight and not feeling sick afterwards. Lupin also didn't check my thighs, just my arms so i was pretty much in the clear.
I'm never letting anyone get that close to me ever again.
I made my way to Lupins room that evening and walked through the door.
"Ah Abby, good to see you, how's your day been today?" He motioned for me to sit down and he did the same, grabbing the salve he had used on me the day prior from his desk. "Fine i guess." i mumbled. I still wasn't very fond of this talking notion he suggested so i opted to say as little words as i possibly could to him during these nights we'd see each other. "Very good" he smiled at me, "now if you wouldn't mind, could you roll up your sleeves for me" "like it would even matter if i didn't mind" i said under my breath but rolled my sleeves up anyways. "You know i CAN do this myself, i know how to apply lotion" i rolled my eyes and look up at him, gaining just a sympathetic smile, "oh, i believe you, this is more for precaution. We wanna make sure its being applied right and i need to make sure that you haven't harmed yourself again." i rolled my eyes and looked back down at the floor as he applied the rest of the lotion. "Right that's that done" he replaced the lid and put it on the table next to him. "And you haven't harmed yourself again, that's amazing, well done Abby" I felt that pang of guilt again but quickly pushed it aside and mumbled slightly in response. Little did he know underneath my tights was fresh injuries. He wouldn't be so proud of me if he had found out about them.
"Can i go now then?" i questioned, about to stand up from where i was sitting but he stopped me. "Not just yet Abby, i did say we need to speak a bit" I slouched back on the seat and rolled my eyes "there's nothing to talk about Professor, seriously, I'm fine" " well evidently, your not fine, or else i wouldn't have to be doing this every night" he sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. "Abby, i want you to be able to talk to me so nothing like this happens again" "it wont sir, i promise" i looked up at him, pleading look in my eyes, "I'm sorry Abby, but we need to talk about this, there must have been a reasons why you did all this." I fell silent again and moved my body to not be facing him. "nothing happened" i murmured. He sighed at my response then stood up and moved to sit next to me on the couch. I turned my head to look around the room, looking anywhere but at him. "Why do you have a glamour charm on Abby" he said softly. "Dunno what your talking about" i responded quietly, shrugging my shoulders, wringing my hands in front of me. He looked down at my hands and back at me, eyebrows furrowing slightly, "i think you know exactly what I'm talking about Abby".
He reached his hand over and placed it gently onto my back but i flinched away. Such a flinch that i couldn't hide and he noticed straight away.
"Hey, hey, Abby, its just me" he placed a soft hand on my shoulder and he bent his head slightly to try and make eye contact with me, "its just me, your okay" he replaced his hand gently back on my back and i couldn't hold it in anymore. Tears started to stream down my face, i attempted to hide away from him seeing, ducking my head as far down as possible but it wouldn't help, he had already saw.
I bring my legs up to my chest, wrapping my arms around myself as if to hide and protect me.
"i don't wanna talk about it" i said quietly, using the sleeves of my robe to quickly wipe my tears away from my face. I cant believe i was crying in front of a teacher but i couldn't help it. I just started. No one had ever cared for me the way Lupin had, my own father certainly didn't, so it wasn't like i was used to it. "Okay, okay, we don't have to talk about it right now" he smiled slightly at me, he rubbed my back slightly then stood, "c'mon, ill walk you back to you common room". I stood up and followed behind him, out the door and to the Gryffindor common room.
"We will continue this conversation tomorrow evening, ok." he looked at me, a glint of care in his eyes and i sighed and gave a small nod, "alright, off to bed then." He smiled for the last time before i turned around and walked into the common room.
Another chapter done!!! TYSM for reading.
Lupin about to hear all the tea soon..
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