Regulus doesn't know what it feels like to not love James Potter.
He doesn't remember a single time in his life when he didn't love James Potter.
Even when they were kids and James spit his blood covered tooth into Regulus' hand after Regulus pulled it out with floss for him, he loved James. He loved James after he shoved him off of the bed in the middle of the night in his sleep during their first sleepover, causing him to slash his elbow open on James' bedside table drawer. He loved James when James accidentally punched him in the face while they were playing Wii sports, ultimately fracturing his nose. He loved James when he had the stomach virus and threw up all over Regulus in the car when they were all on a roadtrip with James' parents and cousins.
(He doesn't even know why that story is endearing to him. He figures that he finds James endearing even when he shouldn't, and maybe that's how he knows that he loves him. Despite the fact that James threw up all over him and cried about it afterward, snot and tears and saliva and vomit running down his face in a disgusting mixture, Regulus still wanted to hold him and kiss his forehead; so he did kiss his forehead. He told James that it was okay and that he wasn't angry as James' parents pulled into the nearest parking lot of a random store so that the two boys could change their clothes and wash up.)
The point is, Regulus loves James. He loves James so much . He loves James to the point that his stomach hurts and his head spins. He loves James to the point that he feels his pulse jumping when James is near him and he feels like he can't catch his breath.
That being said, he doesn't exactly know why he's going out with the guy that he's going out with. Well – he does . He has to get over James, and he knows he has to get over him. James doesn't feel the same way about him and he knows that. He figures that maybe if he just tries to get his mind off of James, it'll be easier for him.
It isn't that he – the guy, Xavier – isn't attractive. Xavier is actually very handsome. He's handsome and funny and smart and he can bake like a god . Regulus genuinely enjoys his time with Xavier. He's a good kisser and he's so fun to talk to and Regulus never gets bored when he's around him.
But he just doesn't fucking understand why he can't stop thinking about James. He thought it was getting easier . He thought it was getting easier because when he told James he had a boyfriend he didn't feel his chest hurt. Sure he felt nauseous at the way James' face dropped and he couldn't eat for the rest of the day, but he wasn't upset . He didn't feel guilty .
So why is he looking at Xavier next to him on the sofa and feeling absolutely fucking nothing?
"I started reading The Jasmine Throne the other night, and it's really good so far. Maybe I'll lend it to you when I'm finished with it, I think you'll like it," Xavier tells Regulus, reaching down to pull Regulus' legs up into his lap. He rests both hands on Regulus' shins, and Regulus glances at him over the top of his own book.
"What is it about?" Regulus asks, swallowing the nausea that builds in his throat.
Xavier's eyes light up, and Regulus feels fucking sick.
"There's a princess who is being held captive by her brother because her brother is a traitor and she kind of knew about it, and she becomes, like, kind of friends? Not friends. Maybe just allies. Anyway there's a guard that's been assigned to her and she's like, not from the royal family or something. They become allies in order to save the empire from Malini's – the princess – brother and ultimately stop the spread of the disease that is spreading across the empire as well," he explains, and Regulus blinks at him, a small smile on his face. "Oh, and they fall in love. But I'm not that far into the book yet, so..."
The thing is, Xavier is a nice guy. He's so sweet and Regulus does like to spend time with him. Xavier clearly listens to him enough to know what kinds of books he reads and the things he finds interesting. Somehow that makes him feel worse.
"That sounds really good," Regulus tells him, giving him a tight lipped smile. "I'll probably read it when I'm done with this one. James has been trying to get me to read it for months now, and I've been putting it off," he chuckles, holding up James' annotated copy of Red White and Royal Blue . "I'm actually enjoying it, though. James annotated the book too so I get to read his little comments. It's nice," he adds, his eyes softening and lips pulling into a bigger smile.
Xavier glances over at Regulus and Regulus barely notices the pained expression in his eyes.
-
"Alright," Regulus breathes out, pulling his car into the parking lot of the pharmacy. "I've just gotta pick up James' medication and then we can go, yeah?" Regulus says, turning to face Xavier, who has an eyebrow raised at him.
"I promise I'm not asking this in a rude way, I'm just curious," Xavier starts, and Regulus slowly braces his back against the car seat, eyes narrowed into slits as he braces himself to immediately want to break up with Xavier if he says anything bad about James. "Can't he pick the meds up himself? Or, like, can't one of your other friends get them for him? I'm not saying that in a rude way, I'm just curious because you pick them up for him most of the time," he explains, and Regulus hums at him, nodding slowly.
He figures that it's a valid question. It makes sense. James can drive (he doesn't like to, but he can ). He has feet, he has a bike, he can pick up his meds by himself. Regulus has just done it for him since they moved in together and it's been like that for years .
"It's just one of those things I do for him, you know?" Regulus answers easily. "He's – well, he's very forgetful. I have to leave post-it notes on every surface imaginable to remind him to take his medicine. Keep in mind, he kind of needs the medication to survive , considering the fact that he has a literal heart condition . I just want to make sure he has them, you know? I worry about him a lot and I never want him to not have them, especially because he gets really anxious if he doesn't have them as soon as he starts to run out," he explains. "James is my best friend. I just want him to always have what he needs."
And yeah , that's the truth. It's always been the truth. He's never not wanted to take care of James, and he doesn't think he will ever not want to take care of him. He just wants him to always be good.
"You're so sweet," Xavier tells Regulus, his eyes soft as he reaches out to brush a curl off of Regulus' forehead. "You're such a good person," he says, leaning over the middle console in the car to kiss Regulus on the forehead. Regulus hums, giggling lightly and lightly swatting him away.
"Shut up," Regulus says, shaking his head before lifting his face to smile at Xavier, leaning in to kiss him on the corner of his mouth. "Cmon. The faster we get these meds, the faster we can go on our date, Xav."
-
Regulus is slipping his shoes on when James walks into the living room, a wide, excited grin on his face. Regulus looks up at him, eyebrows furrowed.
"What's up, James?" Regulus asks, raising one eyebrow.
"When are we leaving?" James asks, bouncing on his toes excitedly and flapping his hands. "I already have an outfit picked and I know the movie's at 7, but I didn't know if we were going to leave earlier, or –"
"Love," Regulus cuts him off, confused as all hell because what is happening? "What are you talking about? We're seeing the movie tomorrow. I'm heading out to see Xavier right now," he explains, blinking at James, who practically deflates, his face dropping and lips pulling into a frown and oh if that isn't the worst thing that Regulus has ever seen, he doesn't know what is.
James shakes his head, eyes averting to the floor and feet shifting around on the floor. "Movie's today . We got tickets for today , Reg. Remember? We got Friday tickets because I'm off from work today and you have no classes – Reg please don't tell me that you forgot about it," he almost begs.
Regulus' eyes widen ever so slightly as it hits him; it's fucking Friday . It's not Thursday like he'd thought. His Thursday class was cancelled and he spent all day in bed, which is what he normally does on Fridays . That's probably why he fucking forgot about the movie – or forgot that today is Friday, rather. He feels guilt bubbling in his gut, his ears burning and throat almost closing up at the thought that he forgot about something that James was looking forward to. James had been talking about seeing this godforsaken movie for months . Apparently it'd been in production for years and there had been talk about it for years and James has been waiting for it. Regulus promised that they'd go together, he promised . He promised he'd take James and let him put twizzlers in their popcorn even though he thinks it's gross, he promised .
Low and behold, he's sitting on the floor in front of James Potter with his face and ears burning bright red and his heart dropped into his stomach and he feels like shit . He finds himself scramblind for something to say, but the words get caught in his throat and he feels like he wants to cry even if he technically doesn't have a reason to.
"I'll call Xav, James. Just give me a minute, okay? I'll let him know –"
"No," James starts, cutting Regulus off. His voice is low and soft and shaky in a way Regulus hasn't heard in a long time and Regulus wants to cry knowing that he's the reason that James feels like this. "It's alright. Don't worry, we can always watch it together when it's out of theaters. I'm sure I can find someone to watch it with tonight, might call Leenie. It's alright, please don't beat yourself up over this," James tells him, giving Regulus a pointed look that, for once, he's unable to read. Somehow, that makes him feel worse.
"But, James –"
"Don't worry about it, Regulus, it's fine ."
With that, James turns on his heel and walks back to his room. The door slams shut much louder than Regulus expects it to, and it makes him jump. Tears spring in his eyes and the guilt doesn't settle as he finishes lacing up his shoes and pushes himself to his feet, ready to go see Xavier.
-
The entire time he's with Xavier, he can't stop thinking about James. He's laying on his back with Xavier's head on his chest. They're in Xavier's living room watching Gilmore Girls , since Regulus has been trying to get him to watch it but Xavier refused to unless Regulus watched it with him. He has one hand carding through Xavier's hair, his cheek pressed against his head, and he's staring at the screen watching Paris argue with Tristan about Romeo and Juliet of all things, but he can't fucking pay attention to anything that's being said because his chest feels so fucking tight when he remembers that his best fucking friend is feeling deserted because of him.
"Babe," Xavier mumbles, tilting his head slightly and pushing his face into the crook of Regulus' neck. "What's wrong? You seem tense, is everything okay? Something happen with James?" He asks, and Regulus feels tears prickling at his eyes again. How does Xavier always know? The guilt settles in his stomach yet again and he feels his face heating up with shame and he just – he hates this so much .
Regulus doesn't say anything at first. He just nods without speaking, suddenly feeling like there's a hand around his throat and he doesn't even know why. It's not Xavier. Xavier hasn't done anything wrong – Xavier never does anything wrong.
"I was supposed to see the Five Nights at Freddy's movie with James tonight," Regulus explains. Tears prickle at his eyes again and he wants to rip them right out of his head. He doesn't want to cry, not now. Not right now. Regulus takes a deep breath, shutting his eyes slowly and swallowing. "I completely spaced and I didn't realize and he asked me when we were leaving and I was just like, leaving for what? And his face fell and he looked so sad , Xav. I feel so fucking bad right now. He's been looking forward to seeing this movie for like, years and I knew that and I always promised I'd see it with him. Now it finally came out and I just fucking missed it and I feel so bad. It was really important to him, Xav," Regulus says, his breath coming out shaky and hard, throat tightening up even more than before which he didn't even think was humanly possible.
It almost feels like his brain stops working. His chest feels heavy in a way that has nothing to do with the fact that Xavier is laying on him. Although, he doesn't even think Xavier is still laying on him because somewhere in the haze he can feel hands on his wrists, pulling him up into a sitting position.
"I feel – I feel so bad," Regulus whispers, the tears finally sliding down his cheeks. "I feel – I let him down so bad and he's – he's going to be – he's going to hate me, and – and –"
"Hey, hey," Xavier says, his voice quiet as he lets go of Regulus' wrists and reaches out, pulling Regulus' head into the crook of his neck. "Hey. It's okay, you're okay. He's not going to hate you, I promise," he murmurs, holding Regulus' head in one of his hands, the other cradling his back and shoulders.
Regulus whimpers, his hands shaking as they come up to wrap around Xavier's body, trying to catch his breath.
"Just breathe with me, yeah? It'll be alright," he whispers, kissing the side of Regulus' face and oh , Regulus feels even more fucking guilty now than he did before. He doesn't say anything, he just grips onto Xavier's shirt with both hands and holds on tight to his boyfriend, hoping that the guild subsides.
"Yeah," Regulus breathes out, pressing his face closer to Xavier. "Yeah, okay," he mumbles, his voice cracking as he takes another deep breath. "I'll talk to him when I go home. Yeah," he murmurs, swallowing thickly.
"Can I stay here tonight? Just for –"
"Of course, Reg," Xavier tells him, pulling Regulus away from his neck to rest one hand against his cheek. Regulus swallows thickly, looking at Xavier with teary eyes. "You don't even have to ask. I'm always here."
-
When Regulus gets home the next day, James is asleep on the sofa. It's the middle of the day, and James often naps because he gets extremely fatigued from his POTs flare ups. There's a pang of guilt in Regulus' chest at the realization that James could be having a bad health day and he wasn't there for him, but he just takes a breath and quietly shuts and locks the door behind him.
Regulus toes his shoes off and hangs his jacket on the coat rack. The anxiety from the night before is still burning hot in his stomach and chest and he almost feels like he's going to cry again. He didn't take his medication today, which was a stupid mistake on his part, but it happened and he can't change that now, he supposes.
Quietly, Regulus walks over to James and crouches down in front of the sofa. James' face is relaxed and his lips are parted, and he has a blanket pulled up to his chin. Regulus doesn't say anything, he just silently lowers himself onto the floor, sitting flat in front of where James lays on the sofa, and he reaches out and runs a hand through James' hair, fingers getting tangled in the curls.
He watches James breathe for a minute. He watches the way the blanket moves ever so slightly when he breathes and how spit drips out of the side of his mouth because he sleeps with his face squished into the pillow, forcing his lips open. He watches a stray curl fall into his face, grazing his eyebrow delicately, almost like a ribbon. He watches the way James' eyelashes lay against his cheeks and he counts the freckles and moles dotting his face. There's one right above his lip that Regulus recalls tracing with his fingers when they were 15 and 16 years old.
He remembers the way James giggled and shoved his hand away and the way his heart flipped when he felt James' soft lips against his fingertips. He remembers how he felt when he cuddled James for the first time during a sleepover and how the feeling of James' back against his chest made him feel so good and so warm .
James held him down. James made his heart feel like it was going to run out of his chest and do cartwheels James made him feel like he had control over the things in his life that he typically had no control over, because he always feels so out of fucking control. Somehow when James is there, he feels like he has a grip on his life and it's okay . It's actually okay.
James is safe. James is warm. James is – he's fucking everything to Regulus.
And suddenly, Regulus is pulling his phone out and shooting a text to Xavier, telling him that they need to talk.
-
Regulus breaks up with Xavier the day after. He meets him at a coffee shop and buys their usual, and before he can even get the words out himself, Xavier looks at him and says:
"You love him, don't you?"
And Regulus feels the guilt in his stomach and his chest and his throat and there are tears in his eyes because yeah , he fucking does and it's ruining his fucking life .
"I'm so fucking sorry," Regulus breathes out, a tear slowly falling down his cheek and landing on his hand. "Xav, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you like this, and I shouldn't have roped you into my mess either –"
"Hey, stop that," Xavier tells Regulus, his voice thick and Regulus looks up to see tears falling down his cheeks as well. "Stop. You can't apologize for that, Regulus, really –"
"But I do," Regulus tells him, reaching out and grabbing Xavier's hand across the table. "I do need to apologize for that, seriously. I just – you're so good , Xav. You're wonderful and handsome and so smart and kind – you're perfect , and I'm sorry ," he tells Xavier, choking out a soft sob. "I know that it's probably fucking shit to hear that I'm in love with some other guy while I'm breaking up with you. I've been cheated on, shit fucking sucks , mate. I couldn't keep lying to myself, or to you for that matter. It's just –"
"If you're worried about me thinking you cheated, I don't think you did," Xavier reassures him with a light, bittersweet laugh. "I could see it in your eyes when you talked about him. Every time you mentioned him, your eyes lit up and you cared for him like a partner and while I'm fucking jealous that I didn't get that, as your partner, I think that you should give that to James. Really," he tells Regulus, squeezing his hand over the table.
A small smile grows on Regulus' face, and he chokes out another sob that's sort of mixed with a laugh. He knows that Xavier isn't mad, he can see it in his face. He knows . But he can't help but feel fucking horrible anyway and he knows that's not going to be fixed anytime soon.
"I never want to be the reason somebody is hurting, Xavier," Regulus whispers, sniffling. "I hurt you, and – and I hurt James –"
"And I forgive you," Xavier tells him sternly, squeezing his hand yet again, thumb rubbing the back of his hand. Regulus doesn't believe him, but he nods anyway. He takes in his words, trying to remind himself that not everybody is lying when they say they aren't angry. Not everybody will hate you for a mistake you made, not everybody will despise you just because you did something wrong.
"I know James will forgive you too, Regulus, really," Xavier tells him, giving him a smile. "And even if we aren't together, I do still really want you around. You're a good person, and I really would like to be your friend if you would like that," he offers, and Regulus starts fucking sobbing all over again because he loves Xavier, just not in the way that Xavier wants, and somehow that's still okay and he doesn't understand but he does and he nods, unable to speak.
It's okay. It's okay.
-
Once again, James is laying on the sofa when Regulus gets home. He isn't asleep, he can tell because when he looks over James' fingers are picking at his stuffed octopus plushie and he's making soft clicking noises with his tongue. Regulus sees James' laptop on the table in front of him, playing something that he's almost sure James has seen a million times. Regulus smiles, shaking his head as he shuts the door behind him and slips his shoes off. He hangs his coat up, and makes his way over to James.
"Hey," Regulus calls out softly. James' head lifts up off the sofa and he blinks up at Regulus, then gives him a half smile before laying his head back down on the sofa. Regulus takes a deep breath, trying to push his anxiety away. "Whatcha watchin' love?" He asks, trying to keep his voice from shaking.
" Meet the Robinsons ," James murmurs. "Wanna come watch with me? We can switch it over to the TV and watch it on there so we aren't both watching my tiny screen," he snorts. Regulus chuckles with him.
"No, it's alright love," Regulus tells him, taking another deep breath as he walks over to where James is and lowers himself onto the floor, sitting in front of the sofa. "I kind of wanted to talk to you about something, though," he says, his fingernails digging into his palms as the nerves build in his chest.
James blinks, reaching out to pause the movie, and Regulus hears him swallow. "Did I do something wrong? Is everything –"
"I broke up with Xavier."
James pauses, blinking slowly at Regulus, and Regulus watches him carefully. He can practically see the cogs turning in his mind as he processes the information he was just told.
"Why?" James asks, his voice so quiet that Regulus probably wouldn't have heard it if he wasn't listening so intently. "I thought he was nice."
"He was," Regulus says, nodding slowly before looking away for a second. "He's very nice. We're going to stay friends," he explains, his cheeks and ears burning as he swallows thickly. "He – uh – he's okay. I'm okay too. I just – I didn't like him like that. You know?" he says, and James nods slowly.
"Okay," James says slowly, nodding even slower. "Why does it sound like there's a but to this?"
And Regulus takes a deep breath, preparing for impact as he digs his nails further into his palms, his chest tightening uncomfortably. He looks James in the face, watching his beautiful eyelashes flutter and his eyebrows furrow, and fuck he just wants to kiss him so bad . So he just fucking says it ,
"I love you," Regulus blurts out quickly before he can stop himself. "I love you. Like, I'm in love with you and it's actually starting to irritate me. I actually want to punch you in the face because this is so fucking irritating. Like, I'm so in love with you that it might ruin my life, and – mmph ."
Regulus is cut off by the feeling of a hand on the back of his head and a mouth fitting over his own. James' lips are soft and chapped at the same time, his mouth tasting of chocolate and potato chips and Regulus laughs lightly into James' mouth because of course he was eating both of those at the same time.
James pulls away for a moment, slowly pushing himself to sit up, and Regulus is left dazed and starry eyed, looking up at James like he's something straight from heaven and he fucking might be . "Gotta sit up slowly," James tells him with a light giggle. "If I sit up any faster, I will probably pass out."
"I fucking know that already, you idiot. I pick up all of your medications," Regulus chuckles, getting up off the floor quickly and placing himself on the sofa across from James, gently placing his hands on James' waist and pulling him closer, pressing their mouths together once more.
And in the middle of laughter and teeth clacking together, James pulls away and traces a finger down the side of Regulus' cheek, kissing his cheekbone softly.
"I love you so much," he murmurs, and Regulus thinks he might fucking die . "I love you so much that it also irritates me. You irritate me and I love it . I love you . I love you, I love you, I love you."
Regulus groans, pressing his face into the crook of James' neck and whining dramatically. "Stop being so fucking gay , it's disgusting ," he says, and James guffaws , his head thrown back as a seagull like noise falls from his mouth, which causes Regulus to laugh even harder than he already was, his face pressing harder into James' neck.
James wraps his arms around Regulus' neck, pulling him closer, and they're falling onto the sofa in a fit of giggles and snorts. James' hands are in Regulus' hair and Regulus' hand is resting on the band of James' binder and he thumbs at it as he presses small kisses onto James' skin just to hear him giggle a bit more because Regulus stop it tickles!
It's a Sunday afternoon and Regulus is blowing raspberries into James' neck and he feels lighter than he ever has in his entire life. He'd let James ruin his life. He'd let James break his heart, he'd let him do anything.
Really, he would.
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By mraudersmoon on AO3