A week later your mom was coming back. You begged Taylor to leave you at home while she went to the airport to pick up your mom, but she was worried you were going to exercise when she was away, so she refused to leave you alone. She was right, though, you were going to take advantage of the home alone time to burn some calories. Even though your bloating was getting a bit better because you were trying not to rely on supplements as much as you did before (supplements were hard on your stomach) your usage of compensating behaviors had increased. That meant that you were eating about "75%" of your meal plan), yet you were hiding food and exercising in secret at morning before showering and at night before going to sleep.
You jumped in the passenger front seat annoyed at Taylor. She tried to make some conversation, but you were not in the mood, so she just played some music. Your mom's flight landed on time, so you only waited for about 10 minutes while she got her luggage. You got off the car to help her put her luggage in the trunk. Andrea's face changed immediately the moment she saw you.
- "Hey mom! I've missed you!" You said running into a hug.
- "Hey sweetie" she said hugging you back trying not to give her panic away.
Taylor knew immediately what Andrea was thinking, but just did some gestures to suggest Andrea that they could talk about it later. You missed so much your mom, you were excited to show her the finished puzzle, the one that Tree gave you and the painting you and Taylor were working on.
- "You can work on it with us if you'd like" you told your mom.
- "I'd love that sweetie, thank you. We can work on it after your afternoon snack" Andrea answered.
Taylor and Andrea saw how your face changed as your smile faded away when she mentioned the afternoon snack.
- "Come on Baby, You've been doing really good these past days with your afternoon and morning snacks, no additional supplement needed" Taylor said side hugging you.
- "Yeah.. I was thinking that maybe I could cut the supplement out? I've been eating my snacks regularly" you said wishing they would agree.
- "You can talk about it at tomorrow's appointment with Dr. Sach after weight in. But for today's afternoon snack you must have your supplement" Taylor said knowing that her answer would make you angry.
- "Fine. It was worth a try. Can I least warm it up a bit? It's freezing" you said rolling your eyes.
Andrea and Taylor agreed, and you went to the kitchen to observe how your mom prepared your food. Taylor noticed and tried to distract you by handing you the supplement so you could warm it up in the microwave. You grabbed it and poured about half in the sink, but Taylor turned around and saw you.
- "What are you doing?" Taylor asked.
- "Nothing... it was not on purpose" you tried to lie.
- "Don't lie to me Elizabeth! Is this what you've been doing all these days when I give you your supplement and turn around to finish preparing your snack? That's what you do as soon as I turn around? You cannot be trusted."
Andrea turned around to see what your answer was going to be, she was shocked to see Taylor so mad. You were stubborn and kept on swearing it was an accident.
- "I already told you it was an accident; I won't lie about something I didn't do on purpose so you could show off around mom" you said cynically.
Taylor eyes filled with anger first, then with tears. She took her bag and slammed the front door. She hopped into her car and drove for about 10 minutes before calling Blake:
- "Hey Tay! What's up?" Blake said cheerfully.
- "I... I can't do...th...this anymore. I can't breathe" Taylor said crying her eyes out.
- "What happened? Where are you? Are you driving? Pull the car over, Taylor" Blake said getting her stuff ready to go and look for Taylor.
- "I can't.. I need to get away from home. I can't do this anymore" Taylor said frantically.
- "Listen to me Taylor: pull the damn car over. You'll hurt yourself. Do it. Pull. The. Car. Over" Blake said firmly. Taylor realized that what she was doing was dangerous and stopped the car.
-I'll come and get you. Do not hang up. I'll tell you about my day today meanwhile. So, we got up at 7 with Ryan, we woke up the kids to get them ready for school..." Blake kept on talking to Taylor while she saw Taylor's live location on the Find My app. After about 15 minutes Blake got to where Taylor was:
- "I'm here, I'm hanging up" Blake said as she opened Taylor's front passenger's door. Taylor was still crying, but not as she was before, she was just holding both of her hands against her chest, on top of her heart. Taylor found helpful to focus on her heartbeat when she was having a panic attack. - "Talk to me. What happened?" Blake asked taking Taylor's hands into hers.
- "I caught Lizzie trashing away her supplement. I feel so overwhelmed. I feel like I failed my mom, we picked her up earlier at the airport and as soon as she saw Lizzie her face changed. We both know that she's still losing weight, slowly but I'm sure she is losing weight. I get that some meals will be easier than others. I get that she will be stubborn with foods she's not willing to try. I was okay with that, cause I thought that she was at least drinking the supplement to make up for what she couldn't eat. Lately she's been eating more food and relying less on the supplement, but you know that she still must drink one in her afternoon snack, and she's been less reluctant about it these past days. But today, I caught her pouring half of the supplement in the sink. I cannot help but think about all the times I must have been fooled this past week: how long has she been trashing the supplement away? Is she doing the same with food? I get it, I was there, but I feel exhausted. I promised my mom to look over Lizzie and take good care of her, but instead she's thinner and sicker. And I feel like a failure because I know that what Lizzie's doing is wrong, but there's this small part of me that wishes I could restrict as I did before. There's this part of me that wants to restrict to feel in control. What kind of big sister am I?" Taylor said almost without taking a breath.
- "Oh Tay. I'm so sorry. I really am. I hate to see you this way. First, you didn't fail your mom or Lizzie, you know it all too well: people with eating disorders will always look -and find- for a way to trick others and get away with disordered behaviors. You are doing your absolutely best, you've never done this before, neither your mom, it was different when you got sick, because you were an adult. So, none of this is your fault, okay? You are doing what you can to help Lizzie" Blake said as Taylor placed her hands again in her chest.
Blake continued: -"Second, and I'm willing to answer your question about what kind of older sister you are. You're one of the best older sisters I have ever met; I mean, sometimes I wish I could have an older sister like you are to Lizzie. You love her so much, you care for her, you're willing to do anything, ANYTHING, for her. But you know what? You're also human Tay, a human that hurts, makes mistakes and is not perfect. And most importantly you're a human who has a history with an eating disorder. So, it is expected for you to get triggered, for your head to go to the first place that it knows to find some control in the midst of all this chaos. You're not a bad sister, you're not a bad person, you're just someone who can't deal with everything at the same time. Okay?"
Blake's words hit Taylor. She was right. She needed to treat herself with more compassion. If she wanted to support, you she couldn't fall apart.
- "And I know what's going inside your mind now: that you shouldn't break down like this is you're willing to support Lizzie. And that is pure bullshit, okay? You can and deserve to break down, that's what I'm here for. To support YOU when you fall apart. You have the right to fall apart sometimes, Taylor" Blake said firmly.
Taylor hugged Blake and thanked her while crying. Blake knew how Taylor's brain worked and knew exactly how to rescue her from her catastrophic spiraling thoughts. - "You're right Blake. It's true, everything you said is true" Taylor said.
- "I'll call Ryan to come and get my car, I'll text him the location. Then I'll drive you home, okay?"-Blake said, and Taylor agreed.
Meanwhile, at home, your mom lectured you about treating Taylor the way you did and gave you another supplement (a complete one) as well as your snack.
- "Mom, you have to believe me. It was an accident, it's also the first time that this happens" you begged her to believe in you.
- "Elizabeth, this discussion is not getting us anywhere. The only way to know if what you're saying is true is at tomorrow's weight in: if you've lost weight then we'll know that you've been lying to us. End of discussion. Now eat everything on your plate and drink the supplement. I'm not moving an inch until you do what I say."
You agreed blinking your tears away. What were you going to do? What if you lost weight again? In that moment Taylor walked in with Blake.
- "Blake! It's lovely to have you here. How are you doing?" Andrea said hugging her.
- "Everything is fine, what about you? How was your trip to see your sister?" Blake asked hugging her back.
- "Oh... it was sad, but it went well" Andrea replied looking at you, so you'd know that she was still watching every bite you took. "Would you like to stay for dinner?" Andrea continued. Blake turned to look at Taylor, who mouthed a "yes please". She needed some support.
- "I'd love that! Thank you! What about you, Lizzie? How's everything going?" Blake asked.
- "Meh. I'm being force fed" you said rolling your eyes at your mom.
- "It's for your own good sweetie, you know that" Blake replied while stroking your shoulder.
It took you 15 minutes to finish the whole thing. The three older women cooked dinner while you worked on the paint-by-numbers painting seating in the dining table so they could watch you. Dinner went better than expected, you took longer than them, but you ate it all. You avoided talking to Taylor as much as you could, and she didn't bother to try any harder to get you to talk to her. Blake left and you went off to get ready for bed after you did your routine secret workout hiding in the bathroom. You knew that you shouldn't exercise, considering what your mom said about the weight in, but you couldn't stop yourself: it was part of your routine by now. You got under the covers and scrolled in your phone for about 30 minutes, searching for ways to deceive everyone tomorrow at the weight in.