When I dream, I dream of the past.
Both memories of now and my previous life are common occurrences that I may experience.
"You're nervous."
"Of course I'm nervous."
"There's no need to be afraid."
"It's not about being afraid. It's about making myself look like a fool."
It's odd being able to see a memory as if I was a bystander.
Standing here in this ballroom, the area filled with many people all around.
And seeing my old self stand in the center of the ballroom floor with my girlfriend at the time,
Caramel.
"We all have our embarrassing moments and it's fine. That's simply how people are."
"Even so..."
"Come on! There's nothing to be embarrassed about! So what if you don't know how to dance? It doesn't matter."
"Yet it does matter given you brought me here to the dance floor. If you're gonna dance with someone, you're supposed to know how to dance. Do you see the problem now?"
The reason why we were at a ballroom was because it was a celebration. A marriage party for my older sister who had gotten married to her boyfriend of seven years.
I was 20 during this time. My sister was 23. My sister and my brother-in-law were sophomores when they met because my brother-in-law transferred to my sister's school that year.
They bumped into each other in the hallway on accident while turning corners. My brother-in-law helped pick up my sister's stuff which she dropped from her hands and from there on on...they grew a connection of sorts. They were friends for three months and then they began to date. It seems like they grew feelings for each other in such a short time.
They were 16 in high school while I was in my last year of middle school. I still recall how my sister introduced her boyfriend to us. Mom was happy while Dad was doing his job as a father and sizing up my brother-in-law. After dinner and questions my Dad had for my brother-in-law, he approved of him dating my sister!
I can't blame Dad, my brother-in-law is a great person... The two of them grew close quite quickly and I had memories of the time my Dad brought him with us fishing.
Dad and I were close. He always used to take me places for father-son bonding. I didn't mind my brother-in-law because quickly, I found him to be an older brother I never had.
This is why, I was happy when it was announced that my brother-in-law proposed to my sister and she accepted.
My sister managed to find happiness with someone she loved. And my brother who will officially be part of our family, while we will officially be part of his.
I liked his family. It was like having a second one in a way. My brother-in-law was an only child compared to me and my sister, so my brother-in-law also found me to be like a brother he never had.
I was truly happy for my sister. Despite our banter, I did wish the best for her in life.
Of course, as her brother, I have to mess with her one way or another. I wouldn't stop teasing her while they were boyfriend and girlfriend, and I wouldn't stop even after marriage.
I still recall the speech I had formulated as the best man. I did a greeting, and introduced myself as the best man of my brother-in-law and also the brother of my sister. I congratulated both of them. My speech was genuine from start to finish. I still had the role of being her brother so I made some jokes. "Did my sister blackmail you into marrying her? It's ok if she did, you can tell us." Brothers must do what brothers are best with after all, embarrassing and messing with their sibling.
"The problem doesn't matter." I watched as Caramel didn't look bothered by what my past self said. "I'll teach you as we dance."
"Ah...you're too kind and sweet to me." My old self smiled with joy.
"I guess you can say I'm sweet like Caramel~" Caramel grabbed my old self's hands, moving her body closer as the two of them stared at one another. "Come on, I'll show you the steps and see if you can follow my lead."
I find myself cringing at the secondhand embarrassment from watching my old self occasionally mess up his footing and stumble around. I had to look away from this. I curse my memory for allowing me to not forget this embarrassing moment.
It's like when you're minding your business and out of nowhere you recall a cringe moment of your past that you wanted to forget but it hits you out of nowhere.
God...or whatever higher being out there...please stop making me watch this cringe.
"You're not really good at this, aren't you?"
"I've never danced once in my life, give me a break..."
"Hehe~ Hey! It's alright if you're bad." I found myself turning back to the scene. Caramel laughs at my old self's horrible dancing yet I can see that my old self looks on with a sad face. If I remember, I was sad because of how bad my skills were that I wanted to kill myself. "Practice makes perfect. Let's continue trying here on the dance floor until you get a better understanding, okay?" Caramel placed her hand gently on my old self's face as they stopped moving around.
I find my heart skyrocket. It was not at the scene in front of me, but because just as Caramel touched my old self's cheek...
I felt as if my face was feeling the touch of her hand.
My old self blushed at her action but he didn't seem to hate it. "Ha...you know how to take my breath away." My old self sighed heavily. "To think we've only started dating during the start of the first semester and we're already acting like this together."
"Well, we did meet during our freshman year of university. We were friends and now we're boyfriend and girlfriend as Juniors. One more year and we'll be graduating."
"Yeah... I can't believe how quickly these past two years have gone by."
I watched as the two had their moment. On the dance floor, my old self was still being taught by Caramel. It was a process of trial and error. Despite failing, the two of them were having a great time.
I find myself staring with nostalgia at this scene... Watching how we used to act during our time as a fresh couple.
"I did it!"
"Congratulations! You see? I told you you'd get the hang of it!"
I watch as my old self finally succeeds in not messing up his footwork as he dances for the first time with Caramel. A genuine look of accomplishment was on his face.
"Now let's see if you can do it without my guidance now."
"A-are you sure?"
"It's alright if you still mess up... As I said..."
"Practice makes perfect."
My old self had finished the sentence that Caramel wanted him to finish as she nodded. I watched as the scene unfolded.
Naturally, my old self failed and messed up not long after ten seconds of dancing. Despite messing up and staring at Caramel with awkwardness, the two looked at one another and laughed.
The laughter mixed with the music and the sound of people talking is all I can hear around me. Yet my surroundings sounded quieter, the only thing I could focus on, the only noise I heard loud and clear was the laughter of my old self and Caramel.
"..." I breathe out as I see the two of them enjoying themselves happily. It is a breathtaking seen for me yet I don't know why. Is it because of sentimental value?
I recall this scene vividly. I can't dance right even though I have memorized the steps in my memory and can always look back on how to properly follow the steps.
I couldn't dance because I was nervous. That nervousness made me mess up.
That is because the source of my nervousness was the one I had fallen for.
Caramel made me nervous. Not in a bad way, but in a good way.
No matter how much I excelled, or how much I could accomplish, I would always feel nervous at a certain degree toward her.
Because I have fallen hard for her...
Watching as the two continued to laugh, I found myself smiling at the memory. Despite the embarrassment of having to see myself fail to dance correctly and needing to be taught, a warm smile was on my face.
Yet.
"Why does it hurt so much watching?" The pounding in my chest grew as I watched the two. I feel weak as I then take a look around at the ballroom. The faces of guests, my friends, my family...
Everyone looks to be in a happy mood.
My chest hurts.
My body feels weak.
My face feels hot...
I'm not sure what's going on here. At the moment, I am confused about what it is I'm seeing.
This is supposed to be a happy memory right? Everything about it is a happy memory.
Then...
Why am I feeling this way?
No. I know exactly why I'm feeling this way. The answer is simple.
I miss everyone.
It's as simple as that.
I want to see everyone again.
Yet that is an impossible dream only a fool can dream of. I have long passed from my old world. I am deceased and no longer have a place there.
Striving for the impossible. What a fool I am.
Yet I have been striving for that impossibility here as well. Helping for the sake of helping. I don't wish for praise. I don't wish for recognition. I simply don't want others to be in a state of suffering.
Hospitalized for months being unable to move. The reason for my hospitalization was because someone crashed into my car. My entire body got injured in the process. I still recall the pain I felt as I had remained conscious even after the impact for a while before passing out.
The driver was drunk and had died during the impact is what I learned. The hospital was excruciating and I've never felt so trapped in my own body. Just my luck having to be the victim of drunk driving. Maybe that's another reason I detest alcohol. Because of the harm it can bring.
Because of how the last few months of my life had been, waking up in another world, and seeing how the state of said world had been. I wanted to do something.
My pain and suffering may not be as bad as compared to others and I won't try and compare since that's idiotic. There's no reason to victimize or say that I had it worse. Because I didn't. But because of what I had gone through, I simply didn't want anybody else to feel the pain I had felt.
Instead of gradually recovering, my body seemed to have gotten worse somehow. It grew weak with the passing months.
...
I closed my eyes.
Caramel. Mom. Dad. Sister. Brother. Everyone. I hope life has been treating you all well. There's nothing more than I wish to see you all again. But that's just an impossible wish upon a shooting star.
I open my eyes and stare at Caramel and ignore my old self. Just like her name, her eyes and hair are the same color of caramel. I found myself smiling softly as I saw her happy expression and the dazzling spark of light in her eyes.
I hope life has been treating you well. Sorry that we won't be able to talk anymore. We may have had our falling off but we were still great friends.
Sorry that I was unable to say goodbye.
Besides missing everyone and wanting to see them all again, the main focus of this memory was my time with Caramel.
Maybe the true reason I feel nothing but sentimental about this happy memory is because I feel regret at being unable to say goodbye to the one whom I had formed such a great bond with.
"Thank you for dancing with me."
"Can you even call it a dance? I can't dance even after memorizing the steps. Instead, all I do is mess up."
"But still, you went ahead and danced with me for my sake. I'm happy that we got to share this moment. Thank you."
"Caramel..."
I watched as she got closer, her head practically resting on my old self's chest as she closed her eyes and smiled. My old self looked to be enjoying himself as well, he closed his eyes alongside her as the two remained in that position on the dance floor, uncaring and unbothered.
"Ha..." I breathe out as I see the memory is coming to an end. Ending off with the two of them close to one another. Is it a feeling of longing I feel to see her again? Do I miss the time that we have spent together? Do I wish for us to be together again?
No...none of that matters right now. I can only find myself smiling despite how hot my face has been feeling this whole time. I didn't realize it until now, but it turns out I have been crying this whole time.
But it's alright. Everyone needs to cry once in a while.
This memory as bittersweet as it felt was quite pleasant to watch in a way. A foolish thought came to my mind, but I wondered if I could ever see her again and apologize to her properly for leaving without saying goodbye.
Come to think of it, I did something like that here in this world as well. I had gone and left without a word toward anyone besides Reiko. The person whom I betrayed the most was Xiulan.
The memory of Xiulan reminds me of Caramel for some reason in an odd way. Maybe it's because of the strong bond I grew with Xiulan just like Caramel. However, who knows just how much our bond decreased because I left without much of a word. That is because I knew Xiulan would follow after or try and stop me for the sake of my safety.
That girl. Honestly. I can't help but smile slightly at how she acts.
I feel myself waking up gradually. The memory around me slowly begins to dissolve and disappear yet I watch on without much concern.
Seeing her again even if it were just a memory, I feel glad to see how much our time together had been pleasant and valuable.
Just like her name, she was,
"Sweet like caramel."
-~-
The thought of doing Interludes came into my mind last night. I had wanted to experiment with these small little intermissions. Anyway, I think I did ok with this little experiment of mine and I might make more interludes in the future.
I was also experimenting with writing in a first person point of view and I think I did ok. I mainly write in third person but even then I wanted to change it up a bit for the sake of the Interlude. I found myself a few times writing in third person but quickly corrected myself since I've gotten accustomed to writing from that point of view.
Kinda fast update once again! Anyway, thank you guys for reading another update. I would like to thank everyone for your continuous support as always. Until next time, bye!
Word Count: 2,651