WARNING: AA, TALKS OF ALCOHOL ABUSE
I look down and see Dash's right leg drilling into the floor, stimming as she attempts to shake her nervousness away. Her hands were clasped together, dangling between her two manspread legs as she picks at her thumbs, pushing, prodding and flicking at them. Her head hung low causing her ponytail to droop down the side of her neck. She looks as though she is completely lost in thought, an anxious, absent-minded wreck, as she waits for her turn to speak. Or rather, dreads for her turn to speak, as the meeting has started with the newcomer introductions.
"Hi, my name's Hoops and. . .I'm an alcoholic," The man says, standing up from his seat.
Everyone in the circle greets the man, "Hello, Hoops," simultaneously. Everyone except Rainbow who I'd be surprised even notice if the roof came crashing down. That's just how distracted she looks.
"Hello, Hoops. . .Hoops, what brings you to the meeting today?" Asks the meeting coordinator in a tender tone of voice. Hoops keeps his hands in his brown trousers as he tells his story. Seeming to find it uncomfortable, but able to get through it.
Rainbow on the other hand, keeps her position, her leg still vibrating like a motor. I'm sat right next to the girl on a separate chair, close enough so she can take my hand if she needs to, but far enough to leave her some room to breathe. Her head had seemed to fix its hung position, but after I look away for a second before turning back to look at Dash, I catch her in a stare right before she flicks her head quickly back to the floor. In recognition of her sudden movement, I place my hand on her leg, trying to calm her repetitive jitters whilst also showing my emotional support.
"You'll be alright." I say in a whisper, though it's unlikely she hears me as she hasn't yet seemed to clock my hand having been placed on her leg.
All of a sudden, a scattered applause fills the room, marking the end of Hoops' story. The circle all turn to look at Dash.
Still not noticing the space around her and the circle's now confused eyes on her, I give Dash a soft nudge, finally capturing her attention as she perks up in a few sudden flashes of movement. My hand falls off the girl's leg as my eyes draw up to look at her as she stands.
"H-Hi. My name's Rainbow. . ."
She stops her introduction and looks desperately down at me, gulping as she does so. I nod my head upwards at her, a non-verbal encouragement for her to resume at her abrupt pause.
". . .a-and I'm. . .I'm an alcohol-- alcoholic."
She finally reaches the end of her sentence, with difficulty. Her foot continues to tap although the trainers she is wearing protects the tapping from making any noise at all, otherwise it'd be extremely irritating for everyone. Her hands also keep at their finger fumbling, the nerves not having left her system despite her statement assumedly lifting a weight off the girl's shoulders. She does let out a breath however, leading me to believe that her admitting gave her at least somewhat of a relief.
"Hello, Rainbow,"s appear from about the circle.
"Rainbow, what brings you here today?" The coordinator asks.
"I-I'm here because. . .because. . ." She once again looks down to me, her hands now forming into fists. Her nails were sinking deeply into her palms and turning her fingers translucent.
Her head jolts back up, gazing around the circle, every pair of eyes looking back at her, including mine.
"Because. . .I think there's something wrong with me. . ."
She takes a heavy breath as her lips begin to quiver slightly. She continues, "A couple days ago, I woke up in a hospital bed, having blacked out, and. . .I dunno, I haven't been in that state for a while. It felt kinda strange. . .uncanny I guess. There was a time when. . .when all I did was drink. It made me almost. . .forget how to feel anything. It was a weird sensation that I loved. . .and now miss."
She lets out a sniffle as she bunches her sweater sleeve in her fist and brings it up to her face to wipe her slightly dripping nose. Tears start to flow lightly down her cheek, like droplets of rain to a broken window.
"It's like. . .whenever it happens. . .I tell myself that I'm not gonna do it anymore, overdrink I mean. I tell myself I'm going to dial it back and. . .and I never do. I can't control myself. . .but I also don't really want to. . .if that makes sense."
Nods and hums appear from the circle in response.
"You know, as much as I want to stand here and say that I wanna change. . .that I wanna get sober. . .I just know that I. . .I'll never be able to."
Her voice cracks slightly as she continues to cry. I reach my hand over to her fist, but Dash doesn't respond, leading me to hold her fist uncomfortably. Her hand is boiling hot, as if I am holding a ball of pent up rage, guilt and fear. Her nails are still digging into her palms, as deep as they can go.
"I've had a lot going on recently and. . .as much as I've tried not to think so much about everything it's. . .it's been hard. Drinking so heavily stops my mind running so quickly and. . .I think I need that right now."
I listen avidly to every sentence she says. Even though she's told me how she feels in the past, each word still hits me like a bullet. I hate thinking that anything could hurt her like this, a hurting that she doesn't seem to even see herself, or perhaps she does see it, but in a different way. . .a far more dangerous way.
"I don't wanna stop. . .I really fucking don't. . .I-I can't. . ."
Her tears flood as she flashes her eyes down at me, noticing how my mouth has formed into a slight 'O' shape and my brows have wrinkled in despair. Our eyes lock for a second, hers streaming with tears and mine glossed over slightly, yet both seeming so transparent, a mirror into our cracking hearts.
Her fists suddenly unclench, the blood in them quickly rushing back as my hand on hers is forced to pull away. She rushes to grab her leather bomber jacket that she had draped on the back of her chair and makes way for the door, attempting to sniff away her teary state while doing so.
"Dash. . ." I say, barely audible enough for anyone to hear, including myself.
"I can't. . ." she mumbles, looking down as she exits the circle. She walks out the door, slamming it slightly. The room is left in silence, a shock that I can guarantee I was feeling 10x worse than anyone in there. The silence lasts for an awkward few seconds until the coordinator stands up and heads after Dash.
"Excuse me for a moment everyone. . ." She says in a worried tone as she walks across the room.
Just before she reaches the door, I stand up, rushing to her side, "I'll go and talk to her, please, continue the meeting." I say, quietly as to not cause too much of an additional disruption.
"Thank you. Do you think she'll be re-joining us or. . ." The lady says.
"I'm sure she will." My voice shakes slightly, doubtful of my half-truth.
"Tell her to give me a call later on if not, would you?" She continues, noticing my uncertainty.
"Of course." I reply as I open the door, promptly shutting it behind me.
The door leads to a somewhat abandoned-looking hallway. I briefly gaze down either side, seeing only dimly lit rows of doors and the occasional window or two. As I listen closely however, I hear weeps coming from the left corridor. Immediately knowing that there is only one person that could be, I turn to my left and rush down the passage, the weeps growing nearer and nearer until I spot the girl curled up in a ball on the floor. Her back pushed up against the wall, her knees pulled into her chest and her head buried between her two legs. Assumedly she does notice my appearance, though she gives no indication of such. Her body remains unmoving, her tears falling, mouth producing her wails and broken heart beating being the only moving parts of her, visible or not.
"I can't do this, AJ. . ." She mutters.
It seems she has noticed my presence.
I slowly walk up to her, slide my back down the wall beside her and cradle her head in my arms, bringing her head down onto my chest. We sit there in a familiar silence. An exchanging of emotions that no outsider could even begin to describe. No, these feelings were ones of which only Dash and I could understand.
I look down at her hands, noticing specks of blood around her cuticles and 4 red indented claw marks at her palms, a few had even begun to leak tiny streams of blood.
"Rainbow, your hands." I take both of her hands into mine, pulling them together and holding them to my chest. The girl allows my movement, much to my surprise.
"I'm s-sorry but I-I can't go back. . .I c-can't. . .I. . ." She trembles her words out in between short intakes of air, trying to catch herself in her weeps. She continues, "I'm scared AJ. . .I'm scared of. . .me. . ."
"Listen to me. . ." I bring her teary face up to mine, my hands at her cheeks. "You're the strongest, bravest, most fearless girl I know. if anyone can do this. . .trust me, Dash. . .it's you."
"I just want this to end. . .why can't things--"
"I know. . ." I cut her off, knowing that she was about to repeat a sentence she's been throwing around for a couple days now, ever since she said it in the hospital, 'why can't things go back to the way they were?' A sentence that I jointly ask myself often, even if I know the question could never be answered.
"I hate that I feel the way I do. . .I hate that I enjoy it. I can't stop though. . .I mean, what if I slip up. . .what if something happens to you? Oh god, I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you AJ--"
"Dash!" I say a little too loudly, interrupting her panicked rambling. "Nothing's going to happen to me. But, the way that you feel, the stress of it all, that's why we're here in the first place. Those people in there are here to help you. They understand you, Rainbow. I'll always be here for you in case you do get scared, but it has to start from you. . .you have to find your strength, I know it's in there somewhere." I smile at the girl as I remove my hands from her cheeks, placing them instead on her shoulders.
Another due silence is held, leaving our eyes to speak.
"You really think I can do this. . ." Dash manages out.
"I know you can."
A smile appears on the girl's face as her crying quietens down.
"What do I do now?" She says through a breathy, sincere chuckle.
"Wanna give it another shot and go back?" I reply, nodding my head in the direction of the meeting room.
"Yeah, okay."
A relief washes over me, so incredibly glad that Rainbow has at least a slight desire to get better. Even if it struggles to come out sometimes, it's something. . .at least it's there.
I get myself up from the floor and reach my hand out for Rainbow to get herself up as well. She takes my hand, lifting her up and we begin walking back, remaining hand in hand.
I feel a sudden resistance against my hand. I look back and see Dash stood behind me, "Can we stay here for a moment though, before we go."
"Of course, sugarcube. Wanna talk some more?"
Dash's mouth forms a grin as she takes a few steps towards me, her eyes look me up and down as we are now only a foot away from each other.
My hands move to my hips as I notice the girl's change, knowing immediately where things are about to lead. My eyes narrow and my head partially angles to the side.
"I think we've done enough talking, don't you?"
I playfully roll my eyes at her as she catches me off guard, grabbing me by the collar of my shirt and dragging me into a kiss. A kiss that feels as though she's been holding it back for days. My hands move from my hips to Dash's waist as hers move upward by my neck, her hands scrunching my hair.
Between the kisses, she lets out an almost silent, "thank you", letting me know her reasoning for her sudden act of passion, a way of thanking me.
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"You did amazing today Rainbow, will I be seeing you the day after tomorrow for the next meeting?" Says the coordinator as she stacks up the remaining few chairs.
"You sure will! Thanks again!" Dash replies, waving goodbye to her.
We walk out of the meeting, Dash's hand in mine. Luckily we hadn't missed too much of it and managed to catch the majority of the meeting. Dash has even made plans to attend the next few. No words could express how happy this has made me.
I look at her face and spot a smile, not so much a sweet smile, or even necessarily a happy one, but more a confident one. A smile that seems like it hasn't appeared by force or intent, but one that has appeared without her even trying. A way for her subconscious to say thank you for taking a step toward trying to calm her overstimulated brain down a bit. Dash notices my eyes looking at hers.
"Proud of me, huh?" She says.
"Very."
"I'm glad. . .because I am too."
A/N
Well that was a bit fucking sad wasn't it 🫠
Been going through it a bit recently (maybe you can tell lol) so want to do a more lighthearted chapter next (still angsty though of course 😌)
Love you all 🫶