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CHAPTER 17
Happier
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The moon was the only source of illumination for the whole room, but since your vision have adjusted to the dark, you were able to see at least the figures of everything around you. You could see Suga standing across you as you sat on the chair of the large piano, your back facing the instrument.
Suga leaned against the window frame, gazing out to the sky. "How have you been, (Y/N)?" He asked softly, a small smile on his face despite the loneliness evident in his eyes. "How's school been for you? Did you get high scores on your tests like usual?"
Of course, your ex-boyfriend didn't know how much you changed on that aspect. No one who knew you would've expect you to suddenly neglect your studies like that, specially when you've been a top student almost all your life.
"No..." 'but that's not really what you wanted to ask me, is it?' As usual, you could only say limited words as your heart drummed nervously against your chest. Your voice was cracking, and you were thankful that you weren't seeing clearly right now, lessening the awkwardness you felt.
"Hmm? Why?"
"I-I don't really go to school much anymore... or even study." You mumbled, sighing before taking a deep breath. "Is that really what you wanted to talk about?" You glanced at him from the corner of your eyes, seeing his figure shift as he seemingly turned to you.
Sugawara smiled and nodded. "Of course, I wanted to know how you're doing."
You looked down guiltily. "I'm sorry for everything."
The grey-haired male took a deep breath before walking towards you, but you kept your gaze on the floor, and then he crouched in front of you, his smile slowly vanishing. "I still can't accept it... Our relationship just ending like that."
"Without explanation... Without anything."
"I'm sorry." It was the only thing you could say as you listened to his breaking voice. He looked up at you with eyes filled with pain as he reached for your cheek, gently caressing it with his thumb.
"I need you to explain so I can let go, (Y/N)."
Your heart clenched, and tears started to form at the corner of your eyes once more. Even when you didn't feel the same way you used to for him anymore, seeing him like that right now broke your heart knowing it was all because of you. Now that you were calm, now that you weren't filled with stress and frustrations, now that you finally got the courage to face him, it all came down to you. The regret, the guilt, the hatred for your own actions. He didn't deserve any of your harsh words or treatment. He didn't deserve being left just like that.
You sniffled as your tears started to fall, averting your eyes that was filled with regret. You couldn't look at him directly, it pained you even more, drowning you in remorse and contrition. "I... I don't... understand myself either..."
Suga wiped off your tears that fell, his touch being so gentle and careful. "Please don't cry, (Y/N)."
You sobbed. "I can't. I just— I feel so much regret." You felt undeserving to even be treated too sweetly by him right now, when you already pushed him away harshly before. "I was so selfish, I had problems and felt like I was the only one in the world who did."
"(Y/N)..." Sugawara moved his hand from your cheeks and down to your hands, clasping them both in between his as they rested on your lap. The whole time, he didn't remove his gaze from your (E/C) eyes, because whenever he looks at them, to him, he was looking into his world. "Did I... lack on anything? Did I do something you didn't like? Was I not enough?" His voice was breaking even more at each question, but he kept his own tears from falling. "Tell me, (Y/N), where did I go wrong?"
Shaking your head, you pressed on his hands, "You... didn't do anything wrong." You breathed out, then biting your lower lip as you suppressed your sobs. "It was all me. I... I took you for granted and looked for reasons to leave."
A reason you've been telling yourself and Kuroo which was regretting sex was just a small branch of it, and something you thought you felt. That wasn't really the case, it was just a reason you formed to hate yourself more and push him away. Telling him that would only make him feel worse, so you kept it to yourself.
"I'm so sorry,... Kōshi..."
The setter's eyes kept on flashing different emotions, but the most powerful one was pain. He couldn't accept it, but it was the truth. No matter how much he loved you, you didn't love him enough... or maybe you just really fell out of love.
There was a moment of silence between you two, the only sound being the wind passing through the open window and your light sniffles. He continued to hold your hands, but his gaze has left yours as he looked down.
"Can't we... try again?" Suga slowly lifted his head, meeting your eyes once again with his hopeful brown ones. It was glistering, tears were begging to fall as if waiting for the signal.
Your heart ached at the sight, and even more as the answer popped into your mind instantly. His face, that messy bed-head of his, his teasing smirk and sly-looking hazel eyes. Unbeknownst to you, the exact person you were thinking of was standing by the door, unintentionally finding himself to be watching when he was only just going to check up on you after seeing Daichi and the others had gone back. Taking a deep, sharp breath, you loosened your hold on Suga's warm hands as you looked at him. "I'm sorry..."
"No, huh?" That was the cue. His tears started to fall one after another from both corners of his eyes. There was no sign of disappointment, as if he already anticipated the answer but still tried. "I guess you already found someone else...?"
"I should be happy for you, but..." Sugawara's voice cracked as a sob escaped his mouth. Lowering his head, he leaned his forehead against your lap. "...It hurts... I still love you."
Your now free hands reached towards your face as you cried, repeatedly muttering an apology. It was the only thing that could come out of your mouth right now, and it was the last thing that your ex boyfriend wanted to hear. He didn't want you to feel sorry for him.
But Sugawara only cried as he sat on the floor in front of you, his head placed on your lap, making your pajamas wet from his tears. His cries were just so painful as it echoed around the room, and while your heart was aching, his own was even more broken. He held on for months hoping you'd come back, it was his delusion, it was what he hoped for. He waited.
But life doesn't work that way. Not everyone you meet and fall in love with would stay with you forever, that's what he understood and realized as he cried.
You slowly reached for Suga's face, lifting it up to face you. The least you could do was comfort him right now, understanding that that's exactly what he needed. You stood up, sliding the chair away before you kneeled in front of him. "I want you to find happiness too, Kōshi. But that happiness isn't with me." You uttered, wrapping your arms around his neck into a hug.
Those words reverberated in him painfully, knowing that it meant you wanted him to let go. The grey-haired haired male cried on your shoulder as he wrapped his arms around your waist, savoring the last time he could be this close with you.
You two stayed in that position for what felt like minutes, letting him cry out on your shoulder as you ran your fingers through his hair in a comforting manner, while your other hand simply relaxed on his back. Your knees were starting to hurt from kneeling, but it didn't matter.
When Suga stopped crying, he still kept his embrace, tightening it even more as if he was afraid of letting go. He knew, that the moment he does, it would be completely over between the two of you.
It became silent once again, your thoughts being the only ones noisy. You were looking back on everything, weighing your decisions. Were you doing the right thing? Do you really not want to get back with him? Those questions raced in your head. But you didn't want to date Suga again out of sympathy when you really don't feel anything for him anymore.
Sighing, the setter slowly unwrapped his arms around you, moving his hands on either sides of your shoulders. You parted from him as well, finally being able to relax your knees and legs on the floor. He looked at you straight in the eye, as if searching for answers. "You really don't... love me anymore?"
You kept silent as you averted your gaze.
"Then just this once, will you let me do something selfish?" He asked, making you look at him again. You nodded, noticing how he smiled in such a painful manner.
Sugawara moved his left hand towards your left cheek, while he placed the other on the side of your neck, tilting your head slightly upwards. Slowly, he inched closer, his eyes never leaving yours as it gradually closed.
His hot breath fanned over your face before you felt his soft lips on yours, and you instinctively closed your eyes as well. Time stopped for him as his heart fluttered, a sensation running down his spine that he hasn't felt for months. It was a feeling that he's been longing for, the touch of your lips that he missed everyday. Your scent filled his nose, the feeling of your lips elicited his heart, your warm skin, everything about you made him feel as if he was in ecstasy.
But he really wasn't. He was in the land of goodbyes, and this was the last time he could hold and feel you like this. He couldn't accept it, but he had to. Just the thought of you being happy with someone else pained him, the thought of you kissing someone else, making love with another, it all broke him to pieces, he didn't want it. But he didn't want to hold you back either, he had to move on.
At this point, Kuroo had left with a heavy feeling, not wanting to witness the scene any further.
At the same time, Sugawara was being filled with frustrations, questions of why. Why can't it be him until the end? Why can't it be the two of you together?
Realizing you weren't responding to his kiss, Sugawara parted away slowly, pain evident in his eyes as he leaned his forehead against yours. His hands rested on your cheeks, wiping your few escaping tears with his thumb.
"Thank you, (Y/N)." He whispered, a genuine smile breaking through his lips despite the pain in his eyes. You never knew it was possible to be happy and hurt at the same time, and it was such a painful expression to see.
"Thank you for being part of my life."
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To Be Continued
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