TW: Depression and suicidal thoughts
This Winter, Sana likes to go out a lot. She wears her gloves, and a thick jacket, and brings an umbrella with her. She goes out to the nearer river, empty yard, or fruit garden. She takes pictures of herself, helped by our managers, and then uploads them afterward on her Instagram. Sometimes she sends some of them to our group chat, or personally to me. I'm worried about her new habit.
Sana is not the type of person who talks about her problems. She rarely tells me what has been going on with her life. I'm concerned about her sudden change in her habits. Last winter she was not like this. It's not like she looks down or anything. In fact, she looks happier than before. But I feel like there's something off about it. Or doesn't it always feel off about this girl?
It's Sunday today. For the last 2-3 weeks Sana doesn't go out as usual. I spot her scrolling her phone screen in the living room. Should I talk to her?
"Hey Sana, what's up?" I ask as I sit beside her.
"Haeju! Nothing. I'm just..." I see her closing something on her phone, "Just doing nothing, hehe! How are you, Haeju?" she asks.
"I'm good. Are you not planning to go out today?" I ask her.
"No, where?"
"I don't know, usually you were so active yesterday. Going out with the manager. Sending cool photos to me," I say.
"Mm..." she thinks for a second, "Do you wanna go out today, Haeju?"
"Ehh, me???"
"Yeah! Let's find a cafe or something. I'm actually worried about you," she says.
"Worried?"
"Yeah, Haeju. Everyone is rarely in the dorm these days, except you. This winter, it seems like you don't like to go out a lot. You take a blanket, cover your body, and blankly stare at the window in your room. Sometimes you close the door and I hear you crying inside. You've been rejecting the other members' offer to go out as well. I'm worried about you. I've been meaning to ask you about it. Maybe this is the right time. Are you okay, Haeju?" she circles her arm around my shoulders.
"I didn't know that you were worried about me..." I tell her.
"We've all been worried about you," she says.
I get up and take her hand, pulling her into my room. I take a drawing book on the bed and give it to her. She opens it and sees one word written all over the pages. It's not like a simple writing either. It looks like the pen tries to scratch the paper so hard. It's like the word is written with an indescribable pain.
"Dead," she reads the word. As she opens the pages, she finds a paper slipped in between. It's a prescription.
"My psychiatrist needs to raise the dose of my medicines, Sana. It prevents me from getting some bad thoughts," I tell her.
Sana hugs me so tight. It seems like she's the one who's crying this time, "I should've taken care of you, Haeju," she says.
"No no, it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault," I tell her.
It's getting obvious that she's crying. I stroke her back until she can control herself.
"I'm sorry," says Sana again.
"Don't be. Let's get a cup of coffee this afternoon, I'm in the mood," I tell her.
Sana and I wear some gloves and a thick jacket, find a taxi, and go to our favorite cafe shop. Sana manages to make me smile today. She's also quite cheerful, as usual. I just realized that there's nothing wrong with her this winter. It's me. I'm the different one. I've been so depressed this season that I don't realize it. Maybe now as I've realized what's wrong with me, I can start to figure out what to do.
"I wanna hang out more with you, Sana," I say.
"Sure, Haeju!" she says happily. Her eyes are teary.
This Winter, Sana likes to go out a lot. Everyone also likes to go out a lot. Everyone but me. Maybe I need to go out a lot too. I need to go out and live.