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CHAPTER 5
Sex and Regrets
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Silence enveloped the air around you, and only the faint sound of crickets and rustling leaves from the wind could be heard. The night was chilly, but not as cold since it was still summer. No one else could be spotted in the neighborhood but you two, and you sighed at him. "Why are you with me?"
"It's the middle of the night." Kuroo answered with a serious tone. "I can't just let you walk alone. Besides, I'm also hungry."
"I'm not afraid."
"And if a dog jumps on you?" His tone shifted into a teasing one as he looked at you with a playful smirk, making you glare at him and scoff.
You didn't say anything after, making him worried that he had pissed you off. But as he saw your expression, it didn't seem that way. You were just covering your nose from the cold air that made you feel like sneezing.
He didn't bring a jacket, so there's nothing he could give to warm you up. Looking away, he gazed at the dark and empty night sky, only a couple of stars being barely visible.
"The Inter High is coming up by the beginning of June." He stated. "Would you come to watch?"
"No."
The black-haired male chuckled at your quick answer, expecting it somehow. He was still disappointed, but he decided not to pester you about it. "Alright."
You two finally reached your usual fast food restaurant, and your hunger once again made itself aware. There weren't much customers, so you didn't have to wait in queue and went directly to the counter, Kuroo following behind you.
Turning to him, you asked. "What would you like?"
"I'll order. You can go and sit down." The teen smiled at you in a gentlemanly manner, which you ignored and just continued to stare at him. He didn't back down either, and stared at you back, making the cashier look at the two of you awkwardly.
Sighing in defeat, you forcefully placed your wallet on his hand. "Fine. I'll have (Favorite Menu)."
Kuroo smirked victoriously, and although he accepted your seemingly heavy wallet, he wasn't planning on paying with your money. He watched as you took a seat on a corner table before turning his attention to the cashier, then stating his and your order.
When he arrived carrying the tray of food, your eyes immediately lit up from looking dead. Your stomach has been grumbling non stop that you worried your meal won't be enough. Kuroo placed your wallet down on the table, as well as the tray of food before sitting down across you. You frowned, realizing how much he ordered, a bunch of meals enough for at least five people.
"Eat as much as you'd like." He smiled at you, placing everything he ordered in front of you, while he only took a large burger for himself.
You stared at him in disbelief, your gaze shifting from his warm smile to your food, and then back at him again. "You expect me to eat all of these?"
"Just eat as much as you can. You're too thin, you know?" He didn't even think if you'd be offended by his statement. It was true, anyway. Your unhealthy lifestyle led you to losing so much weight that you barely even weighed 45kgs. "Don't worry, I paid for everything else."
"That just bothers me even more..." You groaned. But as your stomach grumbled again, you can't resist hunger anymore. You tied your slightly wet hair up in a messy bun to keep it from getting in the way, surprising the man sitting across you.
He smiled to himself, watching as you started to eat. As much as he wanted to tell you how pretty you were with your hair up, he didn't want to spoil your mood. He already knew full well how easily annoyed you are, and didn't want to take any chances of ruining such a great moment.
Kuroo talked to you about random stuff, asking you questions he thought of which you mostly answered by one or two words. He tried convincing you to come to school more often, but he had no chance of making you say yes.
In the end, the two of you somehow managed to finish all the food he ordered, making you slump back on your seat from the fullness of your stomach.
"That was a great meal!" You exclaimed, satisfaction on your face as you rubbed your bulging tummy. "I don't think I've eaten this much before."
He chuckled. "We could always eat out like this."
"Sure, sure." You smiled at him, making him smile as well. The short conversation he had with you allowed him to see more of your expressions, and it gave him a feeling of satisfaction. Specially the genuine smile you are giving him right now that he hasn't seen before.
Kuroo didn't like the fact that your closeness would end the moment you two leave the restaurant. He wanted to talk to you more, and get to know you even better. It felt like a now or never chance for him.
"Wanna go watch a movie at my house after this?" He asked as casually as he could.
You thought about it for a moment. You were starting to enjoy his company, realizing he's a much decent person than you thought. If anything, you would like to consider him a friend, though it stirred anxious feelings within you. "As long as we're watching an anime movie."
"If it isn't one of those boy x boy you watch, then fine."
"Okay, deal." You nodded.
It didn't take too long for you two to arrive at his place, and you sat on his bed and busied yourself with your phone as you tried not to feel awkward from the silence. Kuroo, on the other hand, was busy searching up a good movie to watch.
Looking at your cracked-screen smartphone, a message suddenly popped from an unsaved number which was all familiar with you. It contained a simple message of I hope you're doing fine! :) which you ignored and deleted right away, creating a heavy feeling in your chest.
You could've just changed your number and email, but you didn't. Even though you're ignoring him, you didn't want to completely lose touch. His warm and kind smile appeared on your mind, making you clench on the sheet of Kuroo's bed.
"Alright! Let's watch!" The black-haired male's voice earned your attention, and you turned to see that a movie was starting to play. You instantly recognized the Studio Ghibli opening logo, making your gaze focus on the screen.
"I watched this as a child, and I still feel attached to the movie." He stated, a smile displayed on his face. He sat on the floor, leaning his back against the bed just beside your dangling legs.
Spirited Away was playing on the screen, and it was one of the greatest anime movies you've ever watched and wouldn't get tired of watching. Still, you can't focus on it, opposite of Kuroo whose eyes were lit up like a child's as he watched.
A heavy feeling was weighing your chest. It weighed on you for a long time and you never talked about it to anyone that it was starting to explode.
Sighing, you pulled your legs on the bed and hugged them towards your chest, resting your chin on your arms over your knees. "Hey, have you ever been in a relationship?" You finally asked after a series of contemplation.
Kuroo was quiet for a moment, thinking of how he'd answer your unexpected question. He tried dating a few girls, but none of them worked out. He's more invested in playing volleyball and have always been busy with club and practice, and Kenma. He never felt any strong attachment with them anyway, since he had just accepted their confessions and then started dating. None lasted for a month, as they all complained how busy he was. "Yeah, a couple... Why?"
"Have you ever broke up with someone but you can't let go of the guilt?" You asked again, this time looking at his direction instead of the screen.
"No." He answered, then looking at you as well. "You're talking about an ex of yours, aren't you?"
He's sharp, but you were pretty obvious anyway. Sighing gloomily, you moved your gaze back to the screen again and watched as Chihiro and her parents entered the tunnel. "I'm such a mess."
It was the moment Kuroo had been waiting for. He always wanted to know about you, and right now you were starting to open up that he completely put his focus on you instead of the show.
"Before I moved here in Tokyo, a lot has happened, and one of those is breaking up with my ex." You stated, the events back in Miyagi replaying on your mind that only tightened your chest even more. You were hurting, it was hard to breathe and your hands were shaking. Still, no tears would come out. You looked nonchalant on the outside, but it was painful.
Kuroo watched your expression, the pain that was evident on your (E/C) eyes. Even though talking about your ex wasn't the best thing he'd want to talk about, he still listened. He wanted to know you, he wanted to understand your every actions and decisions. "Did you break up because you had to move?" He carefully asked.
"No... He's the type of person who'd be willing to travel no matter how far to meet his girl." You chuckled bitterly.
"Why, then?"
A thick lump formed in your throat, making it hard for you to speak. You tightly gripped on your arm, purposely letting your fairly long nails dig on your skin. Noticing this, Kuroo grabbed both of your hands, also realizing your slight tremble. He held them in his, creating a warm sensation that helped calm your nerves a bit.
"We had sex." You admitted, a furrowed expression on your face although your voice sounded blank. You kept your eyes on the screen even when you weren't really paying attention, you just didn't want to meet his gaze.
Your confession surprised him a lot, and he almost choked on how straightforward and nonchalantly you said it. His forehead creased as he looked up at your face, noticing how you avoided his eyes. Still, you didn't shake his hand away. "Did he force you?" He asked, his tone sounding a bit angry. The thought of something like that happening to you made his blood boil, but he tried to remain calm and listen.
You shook your head, chewing on your lower lip as you stole a short glance towards him, "It was actually my idea..."
"I felt like I wasn't being enough. My friends told me how guys wanted sex and stuff. I was also curious."
"Well, as a man, I could say that's true in a way. But that doesn't mean we're letting our hormones drive our senses. If the girl isn't ready, don't force her to do it." Kuroo replied, moving from the floor to sit on the bed next to you. "The girl's feelings are more important than those stuff."
You nodded. "Yeah, that's what he said, too, but... I was anxious that my personal feelings are getting in the way. So I set those aside and told him I was ready, and we ended up fucking."
You turned away from him to hide your embarrassed face. "But I fucked up. After a few days, I... regretted it. Everything became awkward and I just can't go back to normal anymore. I started hating myself, too."
"Don't hide from me. Listen," Kuroo whispered sternly, gently turning you to face him. "Your value didn't decrease from that, nor would it decrease from anything. I'm sure he knows that, too. He sounds like a decent guy."
"That's exactly why I hate myself!" You hissed frustratedly, regret and pain, frustration and sadness all over on your face. "He understands, and he never lacked from anything, but I... I'm the problem! I'm the worst!"
Kuroo was taken aback, he didn't expect things to turn out this way, and you didn't either. You two were both surprised by your actions, especially you, that you told him something you never told anyone else. He already admitted to himself that he's interested in you, so seeing you like that even when you weren't crying, and knowing you haven't moved on from an ex kind of hurt him and made him feel like he doesn't stand a chance. Still, he was glad that you chose him to confide your frustrations with.
Sighing, you glared on the floor, suddenly feeling ashamed of your actions and confession. "S-Sorry... I–"
"You can cry if you want, I won't judge you." The volleyball captain uttered seriously, his hands on your shoulders as he gazed at you deeply, making you avoid his eyes.
"I'm fine."
"You're not. You bottled this up, didn't you?"
"I said I'm fine!" Although your voice raised, tears also formed at the corner of your eyes that you desperately tried to wipe away. "I'm fine, I just got a little emotional over a text... I'm fine..." You sniffled, lowering your head. "I just have a lot of regrets... that I'm trying to run away from..."
"I don't even know how to explain my thoughts and feelings..."
Sighing, Kuroo ran a hand through his hair. "Do you regret telling me this?" He asked, lifting up your chin as he looked at your eyes.
His hazel cat-like eyes were flashing with different emotions you couldn't pinpoint. You gazed in them deeply, finding the answer to his question.
"No."
"Do you think you'd regret this sometime soon?"
"I don't know... I don't think so..." You mumbled. Although you weren't a hundred percent sure, you were feeling at ease with him, you felt like you could trust him. At least you hoped you could stay that way.
He smiled warmly, wiping off a trailing tear from your face using his thumb. "Then you can tell me more, and I'll listen to everything."
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To Be Continued
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Question:
Who is your favourite Haikyuu!! character and why is it Kuroo?