It has been a good few hours now since San had left, the boys did notice this, but they just thought he went out for a little, it was around 1 am when everyone was going to their rooms. They all said goobye in the hall and went to their shared rooms. It was about 2 am when Wooyoung noticed something was wrong, he had been sitting in his and San's shared room for an hour now but his heart felt like something was wrong, something was missing. He looked around the room and felt alone, not like he usually does when San's out. This was different kind of alone, there was something wrong with San, no doubt. There was a thick tension in the air filled with anxiety, Wooyoung felt like he had to go to Hongjoong- and Seonghwa's room so he did, panic slowly setting in. He felt like his hyungs had the answer. So he practically ran down the hallway, his heart hammering against his chest until he made a harsh stop at their door.
Wooyoung loudly banged on the door of Hongjoong- and Seonghwa's room, the air was stuck in his throat, he didn't feel like he could breath because of how tight his throat felt. There's something wrong. Is all Wooyoung could think about. The door was finally opened and Seonghwa and Hongjoong stood in the hall, their eyes full of worry. Wooyoung looks down at Seonghwa's hand since he seems to be holding something. He sees the piece of paper clutched in Seonghwa's hand. Wooyoung holds his breath for god knows how long, eyeing the folded paper in Seonghwa's hand. Wooyoung's eyes slowly met Seonghwa's and both of their eyes were blown wide. ''I- uh It's from San- I-'' Seonghwa stuttered and struggled to get the sentence out. ''It says to Ateez.'' Hongjoong said, looking at Seonghwa with worried eyes, before his eyes met again with Wooyoung.
''We need to talk- We need everyone here.'' Hongjoong said, trying to keep his voice steady. ''Wooyoung, you go get Jongho and Yeosang. Seonghwa get Mingi and Yunho, I'll accompany Wooyoung.'' ''Can't we just get them all- the three of us..? I don't want anyone to be alone at a time like this..'' Wooyoung suggested and his hyungs both nodded, they hastily made their way to Mingi and Yunho's room, knocking on the door.
Mingi quickly got out of the bathroom and opened the door, meeting with his friends' worried eyes. ''What-'' Mingi spoke, his voice having a confused undertone. ''There's something with San. Take Yunho.'' Wooyoung spoke, the words leaving his mouth so fast Mingi barely understood the simple sentence. ''San is gone. There is a letter, we need everyone downstairs in 2.'' Hongjoong spoke, his once soft voice filled with seriousness. Mingi nodded, confusion still in his eyes and he went to wake up Yunho, telling him the same that he got told. His voice a bit shaky due to the stress of the situation. The trio then went to Yeosang- and Jongho's apartment, also calling them out, Yeosang immediatly stood by Wooyoung and held his hand, reassuring him it's gonna be okay while he himself was also stressed out. Jongho got out a few seconds later, fresh out of the shower with a little bit of soap still on his skin. ''What's wrong-?'' Jongho asks, seeing the pain on the faces of his friends. ''San.. a letter'' Wooyoung managed to say. Jongho widened his eyes, fearing for the worst immediatly.
Soon enough the group of 7 was downstairs in the main part of the hotel, taking a seat on the couch in the back of the big room. Seonghwa held on tightly to the letter and he stood in the middle of his friends, they were all sitting close to each other, wanting to stay close, knowing what was about to be said wasn't going to be fun.
''Uh- so.. as hm- we all know, San left this morning, we thought he'd be back but, uhm.. there's a letter.'' Seonghwa said, he was having a hard time keeping in the tears and Hongjoong stood next to him as Seonghwa opened the letter. Once the letter was opened Hongjoong grabbed Seonghwa's hand. ''I can take over whenever it's needed Seongie..'' Hongjoong said, holding Seonghwa's hand tightly, feeling the others' hand shake he rubbed his thumb over his hand reassuringly.
Seonghwa took a deep breath and started to read the handwritten letter.
''Hey, It's San,
I'm sorry for leaving, but I had no other choice. It was already hard enough to make this choice, I had to leave due to some personal circumstances and I hope that's an alright explanation, I wish I could stay, but it's too late. I'm sorry guys but I can't hurt you, I can't be the reason you'll get hurt. Please don't try to search for me. I'll be gone. I won't be around no more. I had the greatest time with you guys. You guys were the greatest and brightened up my life, but I can't do this anymore, the guilt is eating me from the inside. Please know I love you all and think of you as my little precious family, please be happy without me.
Seonghwa's eyes watered up, just like everyone elses. ''D-did he..?'' Wooyoung stuttered, his heart was in so much pain he can't even explain it. Yeosang whom at the start only held Wooyoung's hand now quickly hugged Wooyoung tight, trying to keep hismelf strong as Wooyoung crumbled. He held Wooyoung back as Wooyoung started screaming and crying out loud, everyone had started crying. But Wooyoungs cries were of true heartbreak. The cries made everyone even more emotional. Hongjoong took the letter from a now too shaky Seonghwa and hugged him tight, tears streaming down their eyes.
''I-i'll read from now. It's okay Seonghwa.'' Hongjoong said, trying to stay strong infront of his friends who really needed a parental presence right now. Hongjoong took a deep shaky breath in, seeing his name was written first.
''Dear Hongjoong,
thank you for being there for me always and I'm sorry i'll have to go. It's gonna be alright and I wish you and Seonghwa the best of luck in your future. Thank you for always caring about our friendgroup like you were the parent figure. You really mean alot to me Joong. All those times you hung out with me at and after school, I truly had the time of my life. I could tell you my secrets and insecurities and you wouldn't judge. You always were so caring as if we were truly a family. Please keep loving everyone once I'm gone. I love you Joong. You really were the best, hyung.''
Hongjoong had to take a few seconds to keep himself together as much as he could, his eyes were like waterfalls, he couldn't hold his tears back. Did he really just lose his best friend? Hongjoong took a deep breath, his heart pounding against his chest, his hands holding the letter shakily. With a hard start he continued reading.
''Dear Seonghwa,
I also wanna thank you for being here. For always caring about me and helping me when I needed help. You helped me when I felt down about my parents, of which I have never told the story to any of you but you decided to trust me. My parents had died when I was younger. I was just too scared to talk about it, so I'm happy I could communicate about it with you without even having to say anything, those moments meant alot to me. I am thankful for how concerned you always were for me and my health, so thank you hyung. Thank you for everything, you made my life a better place as long as it lasted. I love you, Seonghwa.''
''As long as it lasted..'' Seonghwa said quietly, his head in his hands, it was true torture, Wooyoungs' screams of pain, the air grew tense. The air grew so thick it felt like no one could breathe freely. Mingi was having a small panic attack, but he was getting comforted by a visibly distressed Yunho. Yeosang and Jongho were holding Wooyoung back and trying to keep the noise down, no matter how bad the situation. Hongjoong shot a guilty look in Mingi's direction and that's when Mingi knew he'd be the next person in the letter. His fists clenched on his lap, his knuckles turned white and his nose was red and runny, tears running down his cheeks non-stop. Yunho hugged Mingi tight, hoping it would give him some kind of comfort.
''Read it.'' Mingi whispered, his voice cracking and way lower then it normally was, Hongjoong looked a bit longer at him but nodded at his statement and wiped his tears and nose.
''Dear Mingi,
You have a big heart and your smile brightens up anyones day, I hope you'll be okay, take good care of yourself and thank you for everything, for being here for me since the beginning. The moment I first saw you I immediatly saw your bright smile, I knew you'd be such an amazing person. Mingi, i'll miss you buddy. You were an amazing friend. You really were the best. Mingi, I love you.''
Mingi screamed, this wasn't like the heartbreaking scream you hear in movies. It's worse. It touched all the members deep inside their hearts. Yunho held back the boy who was crying for his life. Yunho cried as he held Mingi close. It hurt so bad seeing Mingi like this. Seeing everyone like this, how could San do this to us..? ''M-mingi shushhh.. I-'' Mingi pushed Yunho, but Yunho didn't let go, knowing Mingi needed this. He couldn't let go. As Yeosang and Wooyoung, Yunho had to stick to mingi like superglue, let go and it tears your skin off. Jongho sat on the couch, fat tears rolling down his cheeks, he'd never experienced an emotional situation like this, he just sat there, his throat so tight it would hurt for him to speak or breathe.
''Dear Yunho''
Hongjoong started, Yunho tightened his grip on Mingi, Mingi also hugged Yunho back, both crying their hearts out together, knowing what's about to come.
''you also always brightened up my day, I am still so grateful of how you helped me study when I thought I couldn't no more, thanks to you I finished school. Even when I got bad grades or scolded you, you kept tutoring me. I am so thankful of that. Thank you for making me a better person Yunho. Thank you so much Yunho, my dear friend <3 I love you.''
Hongjoong watched the two boys hold onto each other for dear life, it's like he could see their hearts crumbling. He looked down at the letter and took a little break, after about 4 minutes he slowly looked up to Yeosang. ''It's you Sangie..'' He said, wanting to warn the boy before bringing these words of heartbreak get to him.
''Dear Yeosang,
You were always so sweet to me from the day I first met you, you truly are like an angel sent from heaven, you always were there for me and the others. I truly wanna thank you for being one of the greatest friends i've ever had and making my time worth it. Thank you, and I truly love you my friend.''
Yeosang finally let it out, he cried. He cried before but he was focusing too much on Wooyoung and Mingi. The boy he'd never seen crying, screaming and crying his heart out. Yeosang clutched his chest as he curled up into a ball, hyperventilating. ''A-angel sent from heaven..'' Yeosang said with a sad smile. ''I should've helped you more San.. but I didn't. I'm not an angel. I was blind to your hurting.'' This comment made Jongho's heart break a little further, he took Yeosangs trembling body into his arms, hoping he'd calm down and whispered in his ear. ''Please hyung it isn't your fault. It isn't your fault..'' Jongho managed to calm Yeosang down a bit who was now looking very dull, like all the emotion and life was sucked out of him. Hongjoong looked at Yeosang and felt guilty, why did he have to be the one to read this to them and watch each and every one of them slowly crumble down into this lifeless mess?
''Dear Jongho,''
Hongjoong said, his voice cracking as he looks at the youngest, this was way too much emotion for such a young boy.. But he deserved to know.
''I wish you the best of luck with your exams, I truly hope you'll pass with ease. I'm sorry I can't be at your graduation, but I'm sure everyone else will be. I thank you for being there for me and helping me get through my tough times in school, you stood up for me when someone came to talk shit about me. And I'm so grateful for that Jongho, I'm sure you'll grow up to be an amazing gentleman. I love you Jongho.''
Hongjoong went up to Jongho and held him close, he gave the letter to Wooyoung, whom wasn't mentioned yet, but he knew he'd be next.
Wooyoung prepared himself for it as he read his name next. He breathed in shakily and let his tears fall onto the paper.
''Dear Wooyoung,
My love. I'm sorry. I wish I could be with you longer, honestly I wanted to marry you in a few years and have a cozy house together. I hope you will find this future with someone else, and I'm sorry I can't have it with you but I simply can't carry the weight of possibly hurting everyone as bad as it can be. Thank you Wooyoung, for making my life better. For making my life the best it could be.''
Wooyoung tried to hold it in as all he thought was that he never saw San's hurting. He didn't. He was a terrible partner. A fucking terrible partner to not even see your lover hurt so much they.. they end theirselves.
Seonghwa nodded at Wooyoung and took the letter from him, to read the last bit, with his heartbroken and hoarse voice.
''Thank you all. For making my time worth it, I haven't been the same since the night I got attacked. I'm sorry I never told anyone about it but it's too late now. I have to face my fate. I truly love you all. Thank you for everything. I hope you all will have an amazing future together, I hope you guys will stay friends, even without me.
Please don't come looking for me for I'll already be gone.
I love you guys, more than I could ever love someone else. And I'd do anything not to hurt you guys.
I'll miss you all.
Your friend,
Choi San.''
Everyone had grown quiet, they all held each other close as they sobbed quietly, Hongjoong stood in the center and signed for everyone to stand up and hug. They all had their first group hug, without San.. Without one of the most precious people in their lives.
How will this end? Was all they could think about.
They all kept their silence for a long time, holding the group hug, the memories of San was the only stitch that kept this enormous wound together.
Their thoughts were all over the place, Yeosang and Mingi blamed themselves, so did Wooyoung. But Wooyoung wasn't gonna let this slide. He had this odd feeling lingering in his heart. San wouldn't kill himself. He wouldn't. He thought about it and decided if San was dead, he would need to see his body. Otherwise he shall not believe otherwise. So Wooyoung would search the island once he calmed down, the others too. Because they are still quite in shock. Everyone just let the tears fall, not knowing what else to do. The air was thick with guilt, anger and sadness.
A couple kilometers away, San had arrived at the spot in the forest and started looking for the cabin. He felt extremely guilty. How could he do this? After some time walking around in the dark and foggy forest San found the cabin, it had this dark energy which made San uncomfortable when he looked at it. He took the Polaroid out of his pocket and sighed, looking at all the happy faces of his friends. Did they even find the letter yet? Honestly to San it actually felt like he was killing himself, throwing his life and his loved ones away. He got into the cabin and would stay there until a few hours before the full moon. At least I can keep everyone safe, that was San's only positive thought about this whole process. He felt like crying, his heart was slowly shattering thinking about the friends he left. The part of his life that he just put behind him like it was nothing? What was he even thinking?!
San sighed, trying to keep the negative thoughts out of his mind, he looked at the cabinet in the kitchen and walked over to open it. Drinks. Alcohol. He never drank much, but this would be the perfect time to just drink till he passes out. He still can't believe what he just did.
San grabbed a bottle of soju and some beer from the cabinet, he sighed, he doesn't exactly like alcohol. He took a big glass and started pouring in the drinks and downing them quickly, his throat burned as he scrunched up his nose. Everything to just forget what he did for a moment. Not too much later San was passed out in the chair, sleeping peacefully with the bottle in his hand. It wasn't much longer till the full moon would make itself present.
Was this really worth it?
Was this worth breaking his friends' hearts so mindlessly? Was it San?
(Author here !! Sorry for the heartbreak <3 but it's needed, do you think it was worth it what San did? All this pain to keep his secret a secret? Well at least he hopes so.. What do you all think will happen throughout this book? Let me know your thoughts !!)
(Also thank you so much for the support on this book !! We're almost on 1k reads, and for my first book that is incredible. If there is anything you wish i'd do differently, maybe writing style please let me know in the comments !! But I wanna thank you all so much for the support. Love you guys <3)