I'm sat across from Nicholas at the dining table, we're eating breakfast but I am once again not hungry. I swear this man is going to make me loose so much weight.
After what happened in the library yesterday I felt disgusting. I feel impure.
What if I am pregnant? Mother never explained how it happened in detail, but all I know is that when a man and woman get really close, they get pregnant. And that is what we did.
Maybe I feel so nauseous, because I am pregnant.
Nicholas kicks my foot with his. He knowingly smiles at me, I can't look at him any longer and stare at my filled plate again.
He kicks me again, I whip my head up and frown 'stop' I mouth. He has this playful smile on his face as he takes a bite of his bread.
I roll my eyes. He kicks my foot again. This time I have had it.
I stomp on his foot. "Ow!" He yells as his knee hits the table in response.
The whole table goes quiet and everyone stares at us.
"Clumsy little Nicholas." I laugh trying to make the situation less awkward and it is not working. Luckily everyone goes back to eating.
He looks at me in question. "We need to talk." I whisper.
"Yes good idea!" Mother says. "Why don't you two go for a walk." How does she hear everything?
It's now noon.
I got dressed in something a little more casual and met up with Nicholas. Instead of my usual yellow cloak, I decided to lend a brown one from one of the maids. It is less striking.
"New cloak?" He asks.
"No, I just don't want everyone to recognise me as royalty."
"Who is everyone? I thought we were just going to take a stroll around the gardens."
"You'll see." I say coldly. There are ears everywhere here, I can't talk about what happened here.
"Wait I will be right back." After a few minutes Nicholas arrives back, he is now also wearing a commoner cloak and has taken off his top hat.
"Great." I start walking off before he catches up to me.
"What is going on Vic? Why are you acting like this." I stop in my tracks. Vic? He has never called me that.
I start moving forward again. "You know, Nic." I emphasise his name.
"If I knew I wouldn't have asked."
I stay silent. Is he really going to make me say it.
He grabs my upper arm and urges me to stop, turning me to fully face him. "Just tell me what's going on, please."
He is saying 'please' now?
I sigh. "You know what happened yesterday..." I trail off, hoping he is catching what I mean.
"Yes?" He asks like it's a daily thing that happens. "Do you regret it?" His hand slides off my arm.
"No." I reply a little too quickly. "I just..."
"You just what?" He looks at me so sincerely.
"I just feel disgust." I cover my face with my hands.
"Wow thank you."
"No not you!" I grab his hand. "Me."
"You feel disgusted by yourself?" He sounds totally baffled.
"Yes!" I cross my arms and I feel my lip starting to quiver. I bite down on my cheeks to stop the tears from flowing, they last thing I want to do is cry in front of him. He'll see me as weak and pathetic, and I am everything but those things.
"Why?" He says softly as he puts his other hand on top of our intertwined hands. He looks genuinely dissatisfied with the fact I feel that way.
"I am impure now. I ruined my purity and what if we never get married? Than mother will never be able to find me another husband, not that I necessarily want or need one, but I do hate the thought of growing old all alone without children or someone who loves me, trapped between the thick walls of the castle, with the responsibility of the whole kingdom. I am ruined." The words just keep flowing out. "Estelle will find herself a husband and move in with him, I will no longer have a best friend and I will be all alone. I will die alone and I cannot die alone."
"Good god, stop." He grabs my shoulders. "You are overreacting. You are not impure, it was just a kiss. Didn't mean anything."
That stung.
"But I mean..." I pick at my nailbeds, it's my nervous trait. "What If I..." I am too embarrassed to say it out loud.
"What if you're what?" He thumbs rub on my shoulders.
"What if I'm pregnant!" I blurt out and this time I cannot stop the tears from forming.
He looks at me dead silent then suddenly starts cackling. And I mean cackling, as in hand on belly and bending over forwards.
"That is not funny." I wipe a tear away.
"Love, that is not how pregnancy works." His laughter finally dies down and we start walking again.
"It's not?" Relief washes over me.
"No, not at all." He kicks a loose pebble away that was stranded on our path. "There are a lot more steps. We did none of those."
"Will you tell me what they are?" Now he's made me curious.
"You will know when it's necessary."
I groan. "So secretive."
"Says you. What were you talking about earlier, why are we dressed like this?"
I point forwards. "That's the village over there. Some times I like to pretend like I am normal for a day. Ever tried it?"
"No."
"Of course not, you are too egocentric." I put my hood up and walk faster so I'm walking in front of him now.
"Hey!" I hear him yell offended from behind me.
I push open a wooden door that leads towards a tavern. 'The black lamb' the sign above the door reads. As soon as I step foot inside I am met with loud music, noisy people and the strong smell of beer.
I push through the many groups of people and walk up to the bar so I can order us some drinks.
"This is where you go in your free time?" He looks like a fish out of the water. Even though he is now not dressed that differently, he still doesn't blend in with the crowd. He is too poised, too well mannered, even when he is not as well mannered as a prince should be may I add.
"Two beers please", I yell to be heard over the music by the man behind the bar. He is a chubby, big man. He looks like someone you don't want to fight with. Nicholas hand is on my waist and he pulls me closer.
"12 shillings." He orders. I grab it out of my money back that is hanging from my belt. I hand it over to man and grab our beers that he had filled in the meantime.
"Young love." A woman sighs dreamily beside me as she points with her eyes at how Nicholas stands behind me protectively.
"Sorry?" I giggle, "we are not- "
"-not that much of a young love. We have loved each other since we first started working together on the farm when we were just children. Isn't that right my Charlotte?" He squeezes me in my side to urge me to play along.
"Yes, you take the words right out of my mouth like always William." I pinch his cheek like people do to children. He scrunches his nose.
"That's beautiful." An older man with a unkept beard chimes in. "My wife and I used to be like that, she passed away last march." He stares down at his empty beer mug.
"I am so sorry to hear that." I put my hand on his shoulder in comfort, "Thank you so much dear." He replies.
"The king and queen in that castle over there just watch as their people starve and get sick. While they eat dessert all day and wear clothes that could pay for our yearly rent. I swear one day a herd of people will tear down that castle." The mans voice is filled with hatred. I never realise that it was this bad over here.
I shift awkwardly on my legs. My eyes find Nicholas. This isn't just fun and games anymore, if they find out we're the royals they hate so bad we will be in serious danger.
"Are you two married?" He suddenly changes the subject. Signing to the barman for another drink.
"Yes." We say in sync, replying a little too fast. Nicholas tries to shove a ring in my hand without them realising. I put it on my left ring finger behind my back.
"Show us the ring!" The woman gushed in excitement. She was in her 40's, wearing a white mop cap and a light greenish dress with an apron.
I display my hand, I haven't even seen the ring myself. I show it to the man too. He furrows his brows. "That looks expensive. Is that a real diamond?"
I look at the ring myself. It's a golden ruby ring. Way too expensive for a commoner.
"It's a family heirloom." I lie. Or maybe it is actually a family heirloom, I have no idea.
"Are you two actually farmers? Farmers would never be able to afford that and I have never seen you here before." The man stands up threateningly.
"Me neither." The woman agrees and rest her hands on her side.
"We just mover here and he got the ring from his great-grandfather, it was once gifted to him by a royal that he worked for in exchange for his job, they just kicked him on the street like the pigs that they are." The lies just keep coming.
The man hums. I guess he fell for my lies. "You two don't seem very in love." The woman says.
"Oh yes we are, we just don't really like public affection. We wouldn't like to make people uncomfortable." I lie again. Oh my god, I am so good at this.
"We don't mind, give each other a smooch." The woman waves off. I cringe at her wording.
I look at Nicholas, he was already looking at me with his hand still on my waist. I nod my head slightly, asking for permission. He nods back.
I stand on my tippy toes and peck his lips. "Adorable!" The woman admires.
"Well we got to go back to the farm now." Nicholas says as he hands me my beer.
"Yes, very busy life. Maybe we will see you around." I throw my beer back and chug it down. Nicholas stares at me in shock. He thought a princess wouldn't know how to drink?
He repeats after me and I grab his hand, pulling him with me out of the tavern, he almost drops his mug when I tug him away from the bar.
We hurry out of there and once we're met with the outside air. I burst out laughing. "It's not funny." Nicholas tries to sound serious but I can hear the laugh he's trying to suppress.
"It really was." I cry. I put my hand on his shoulder to steady myself, I take a deep breath in and out to calm myself down. "We really need to do something for them. When we start reigning. It was so sad hearing it from the people directly. Their true opinions."
"Yes." He agrees. We start heading back to our 'farm' or our castle. "My ring." He points.
"Oh of course. Completely forgot." I take it off and drop it in his spread hand. "Is it a family heirloom?" I ask out of curiosity.
"Kind of." He breaks our eye contact, now staring at the road ahead. "It was my mom's."
"She must love you a lot of she gave you a ring as gorgeous as that."
He stays silent. Did I say something wrong? "She doesn't love me." He clenches his teeth.
"What?" I blurt out.
"I don't want to talk about it anymore." His sounds cold now, more like the Nicholas I knew a week ago, instead of the one of earlier today.
"Alright. Just know that you are loved unconditionally."
"I really wish that was true." He says under his breath. I act like I didn't hear him, I had no clue what to reply. How do you convince someone like him he is loved?
Once we arrived back at the castle I saw Matthew cleaning out the stables. "You head back inside, I'll be with you in a minute." I tell Nicholas.
"Hey Matthew!" I run up to him as fast as I can in heels.
"Hey." He murmured coldly. "How can I help you?"
"You cannot help me, you are my friend. I just came here to have a chat. I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever." I sit down on a stool in front of the stable.
"Victoria please stop." He snaps. Stopping his movements and holding his nose bridge in frustration.
Where is this coming from? I stand up. "Stop what? Why have you been acting this strange the past week?"
"I just can't keep talking to you." He goes back to sweeping.
"Why not?" The familiar sting in my throat starts. I feel like crying.
"Because I love you!" He drops his broom and stomps into the stables.
He what now?
I uncertainly follow him. "Sorry, what?" I have never been more confused in my life.
"I have loved you ever since I started working here." His back is towards me, almost like he can't look at me while confessing this to me.
"So why did you just start acting this weird?" I play with my fingers in nervousness. I have just always seen him as a friend. The feeling is not mutual. I only love his as my friend.
"Because you got him now." He turns around at once and points at the castle. "It just hurts too much knowing I could never have you, since I'm just some lowlife stable boy." He frustratingly kicks a bucket away. And it hits another stable with a thud. The horse inside jumps up in fright.
It's as if I have forgotten my entire vocabulary. I'm left speechless. "Matthew you are no lowlife. Your worth is not determined by your profession."
"Easy for you to say." He scoffs and glares at me.
"No need to be angry at me." I cross my arms. I won't even except this behaviour from my friends.
"Just please, leave me alone. That's all I'm asking, even if I'm the one that supposed to follow your orders. Please just do this one thing for me as a favour for a friend." He runs a dirty hand through his messy hair.
He was one of the only people that made me feel normal, that I enjoyed having a conversation with. I have a hard time letting people go, but I have to respect his wishes. "Okay." I whisper. I turn around and hurry back inside the castle.
I close my eyes and slide down against the door, now sitting on the floor hugging my legs against my body. I just lost one of the people I care about the most. What will Estelle think if she finds out? She can never find out, it will break her heart.
"What are you wearing?" Mother quit literally recoils.