James has a panic attack. Regulus helps calm him down.
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It was so cold.
The temperature dropped ridiculously low for the time of year, and stupidly enough, Regulus wore only a thin jacket over his shirt. He could already hear the loud, exaggerated gasp James would let out when he saw him; could hear his mother's matching tone over the phone as she reminded him that times like these made people more prone to catching colds due to the fact that they'd get tricked by the weak sun smiling down with teeth over the course of the day, and the chilling cold that'd set in as soon as they stepped into the shadows would take them by surprise.
Well, you could count Regulus as fooled.
He looked briefly at his shaky hands as he let the elevator door close shut behind him.
Maybe there was still a part of him that was used to dressing to impress. Sometimes he could almost hear his mother yell at him that appearances were more important than comfort, that presenting well was a priority. To her, even if your limbs felt numb and your feet hurt, you had to stand straight and plaster on a dashing smile, so convincing that you'd mark it as being genuine if you passed by a mirror.
It was such a crystal clear memory that if it wasn't for the four walls surrounding him so closely, he might've looked around to make sure she wasn't next to him.
His knuckle pressed excessively hard on the button leading to his floor.
It was just a memory.
Regulus met his own eyes in the reflection of the elevator mirror, a dirty surface with fingerprints all over. He clicked his tongue softly, almost soundlessly, his cheeks were flushed red from the cold and the curls on his head were out of place, tangled to hell and back.
It was a face that despite being so similar to those that hurt him, it was loved. It was a face you'd see in photographs with his friends, a smile or an annoyed, but loving frown ever so present, a face that his boyfriend liked to hold and kiss until he was out of breath.
He let out a harsh exhale, spreading warmth over the mirror, fogging it up before the elevator let out a soft ding sound and he turned around, pushing the door open with his elbow.
The hallway was silent, bathed in a warm glow, unlike the cold one from the elevator.
He nodded absentmindedly to himself as he fumbled around for his keys and pressed the pad of his finger against the hard ridges. The keys jingled quite sharply in the quiet of the evening as he turned them around, searching for the one with the black tab. There were two locks on the apartment door, and he'd grown accustomed by now that when James was home, he had the habit of only turning the deadlock knob.
He smiled to himself when the door opened. Predictable. He pushed it closed with his foot, yet another action that his mother would reprimand him on, and turned the deadbolt knob as well as sliding his keys into the second lock and turning them over.
Only when he blindly reached for the light switch did he realise something seemed off. No pitter patter signalling James was making his way over to welcome him home, no TV turned up way too high for the late hour, nothing.
It was awfully quiet, the kind that made goosebumps rise over your skin, the electric kind.
He toed off his shoes almost carefully, as if he risked breaking some sort of spell if he made too much noise, and discarded his jacket in a similar manner.
His first rational thought was that James went back to sleep, which in on itself would've been unlikely, because tomorrow was his day off, and knowing James, he was going to spend half the night making up for his lost time during the week, which implied wasting more time by endlessly scrolling on social media or pausing a movie every five minutes until Regulus joined him and he could finally glue his eyes to the screen, fingers tracing aimless patterns on his lover's arm.
But James always tells him when he's sleepy. Always whines When are you coming home? I'm about to fall asleep over here and have nightmares just because you haven't kissed me goodnight.
He was a needy bastard and Regulus fucking loved him.
But his inbox was utterly empty.
Coming to a halt at the living room doorway, Regulus almost stumbled over with the realisation that there were no texts. Throughout the whole day. He would've realised usually, he would've texted something, but with such a busy schedule, he didn't even pay attention, the hours passed by so fast for him.
His eyes slid over the furniture in the room.
There was a faint glow coming in from the kitchen, a white light bulb that he should've changed a long time ago, because right now, it made everything look too cold. None of the lamps were on, the candles weren't burning, the TV wasn't displaying some rerun of a show nobody cared for but left on just for the background sound.
It was nothing.
Regulus tried to keep the gap in his chest at bay, he still had two more rooms to check and maybe he was wrong. Maybe James was just sleeping, blissfully dreaming with his phone battery on low or even dead, lost somewhere in the sheets.
Maybe.
Despite the turned on light, the kitchen was empty and untouched. Regulus had quite a good memory even when it came to useless details, and he knew the dishes he washed that morning were left in the exact same position, with no additions to them or in the sink.
Something sunk deeper into his abdomen at the thought that James hadn't eaten the whole day.
Maybe there was takeout. Somewhere...
Bedroom.
Maybe on their bed there was also a mess of empty food containers.
Maybe.
The walk over to the bedroom seemed impossibly long, even if it was just one hallway over. It may have been just Regulus' racing thoughts that seemed to make time stand still. He kept replaying the scenes from that morning in his head; James comfortably cuddling with the pillows after Regulus got out of bed, kissing him sweetly as ever when he brought him breakfast, wiping at his eyes a couple of times before sliding on his glasses and smiling sheepishly at Regulus, who by that point was running a bit late, but it was nothing he wouldn't pay for one more kiss.
He seemed fine.
But, fuck, Regulus knew better than to assume things could stay fine.
"James?" He called out almost too quietly as he opened the bedroom door with a light push. He didn't want to disturb him if he was sleeping– Empty. An empty unmade bade, a half eaten toast on the bedside table.
He didn't know if all the blood drained from him or if it all rushed to his head, everything suddenly so tingly and dizzying.
A faint sound made him turn back, having him whip his head around so fast that something in his spine let out a faint crack. For a moment he didn't know if it was just his imagination, so he urged his heart to calm down, trying to focus.
Another sound made him jump as if he got electrocuted.
The door to the bathroom was opened ajar, complete darkness inside, and Regulus approached in light steps. He wanted to run over, to open the door, to turn on the light, but he couldn't even bring himself to knock. Instead he grazed the surface of the door with his fingertips and softly called out his name once more, in the sweetest tone he could muster.
The only reply was another noise, which he could now identify as a muffled sob.
He sucked in a breath.
Patience.
Take it slow.
"James, I'm going to come in, okay?" He forced words out, waiting another moment for any answer, and after receiving none, he took that as the green light.
The door squeaked slightly as he pushed it open and through the low light that made it in from the hallway he could see James curled up on the floor, next to the toilet, hands holding up his head.
He called out his name again, so quietly that he could've mistaken it for a thought. But judging from the small shudder in James' shoulders, he heard it. Regulus kneeled in front of him, trying his best to stop his own limbs from shaking, before he reached out a careful hand, hovering over James' frame. He let his fingers slowly fall through his hair, letting him know that he was going to touch.
He really didn't want to startle him.
He's seen James have breakdowns before, even if it never seemed to get quite this bad, so he knew. He knew that as comforting as touch usually was for James, in moments like these, it was a game of gambling where it could land on either the best thing to do, or the worst ever. Regulus himself knew the prickling feeling on his skin whenever someone's hands weren't welcome on him, he knew how just sharing the same space with someone when you felt out of your skin could be overwhelming.
So he needed to take this slow. He needed to get James to feel comfortable one way or another.
Except for a small tremble, James didn't move, but Regulus' heart clenched tightly.
"It's me. Your Reggie, it's me."
After what seemed to be the longest minutes of Regulus' life, James raised his head, his eyes sliding almost desperately over Regulus' features, as if he was looking for something. Then he let out another loud sob, which Regulus felt in his chest as if it was his own.
His hand slipped down to the back of James' neck, keeping his touch light, but enough to try to ground him. He blinked a few times, unsure of what to do next, but when James started to lower his eyes again, he decided he needed to act fast.
"Hey." He closed the distance between them just a bit more, making sure to keep James' attention on him. "Hey, Jamie. Keep looking at me, yeah?" His fingers pressed down ever so slightly as he leaned in. "It's me. It's okay." His forehead met James'. "Baby, breathe with me, alright?"
James' chest was still heaving, his heartbeat fast under Regulus' fingertips, but he tried to coax slower breaths out of him. He spoke softly, accompanying his words with the pressure he had on James' neck, walking him through it until he got their breaths to match, until he could feel James' warm exhales on his own face at a normal pace.
"That's it, baby. You're doing so well. I'll touch you, now, alright? I want to get you up." He waited a moment and when James didn't say anything he pulled him up, but unfortunately, he underestimated how heavy James would be when he wasn't cooperating, and he only managed to get him towards his chest, which seemed good enough for the moment. He helped settle him in his lap, pushing his face in the crook of his neck while his hands circled behind his back, keeping him close.
Regulus felt the cold tiles behind and under him, but in that moment he wouldn't care even if the cold seeped into his bones, if his bones just melted off, all that mattered was getting James to feel better.
It might've been the change in position, but James started shaking again, and Regulus patted his back. "It's okay, baby, you're okay. I'm here. Let it out if you need to cry, I'm here." He felt more so than he heard the sharp inhale against his neck, which was followed by muffled sobbing. He had to blink rapidly to get rid of the wetness in his own eyes, fighting to keep his tone steady, convincing. He nuzzled into James' hair, speaking the words right into his skin as he cradled him tightly. "It's okay, Jamie. Pay attention to my voice."
He pressed his fingers lightly onto the base of his neck and down his spine, then back up, repeating the action as he continued to reassure him.
He wasn't sure this was the best way to get James back from whatever place his mind wandered off to, but he had nothing else, just his voice and the warmth he could offer.
He muttered words of comfort, thinking of what James always said to him when he was panicking, and kept repeating them until the both of them were convinced that it will, in fact, be okay.
Despite what he was whispering in James' ear, the longer he stayed there, the more guilt seeped into Regulus' gut. He should've checked up on him. He should've come back home on time, he–
He took a deep breath of his own. There was no use going on his own spiral. There was no use. James needed him now, if he wanted to dissect himself over his actions, he could do it after his boyfriend was up and running.
But, Lord...
He's never seen James panic this badly. It felt worse that he had no idea what caused everything, he had no point of reference and no way to solve it, to pull it straight from the roots.
He knew James' mood could change from the smallest things and usually he was receptive to that, quick to ask him what he said wrong and clarify the situation. But now he didn't even know where to start.
At some point, James calmed down, the slight tremble still present in his body, but no longer crying.
Regulus kissed his temple. "That's it, love. Can you talk to me?" A soft shake of James' head on his shoulder. "Okay, you don't have to. I'll keep talking, though, okay?" No reaction, just a warm breath on his skin. Regulus took a matching one, trying to relax his body under James'. Then he said what he assumed to be the most reassuring words at the moment, based on past experiences. "I'm not upset with you, alright? It's okay to cry, we all have bad days." The sudden stiffness in James' shoulders told him he hit the jackpot. "I'm being honest. I'm not upset with you for this."
James let out a quiet hum and Regulus' fingers sunk into his hair, pressing into his scalp.
"I could help you sort it out if you told me what was going through that beautiful head of yours, but you don't have to. I can already tell you it's not true, and that everything is fine." Silence. "You with me, baby?" A heavy, intentional exhale on his neck made Regulus let out a chuckle. "Okay, good to know I'm getting through. Do you want me to call Sirius?" James' body stiffened once more, and Regulus almost cursed, realising his mistake a second too late. "It's not that I don't want to be here, James. I'm asking if you would feel more comfortable with him. There's no place I'd rather be right now than at your side."
James melted back into him, and if they weren't literally pressed into each other, Regulus might've missed the soft word that left his lips.
"Stay."
He could swear it was morning and the sun came back up by how bright his vision got at the single word.
"Okay. I'm staying. I'm here."
He felt James move and his breath caught in his throat, waiting to see what he would do, but he just wrapped his arms around Regulus' torso and settled back down. The breath that Regulus let out was dripping with relief. The pressure on his middle was a comfort on its own, making his own hands hold tighter.
He let the silence fall over them until James broke it.
"I thought..." Regulus pressed his cheek against his head, rubbing slightly as he encouraged him to continue. "It's stupid."
"It's not stupid."
James scoffed, his voice coming out as a choked sound. "I thought you didn't want me anymore."
Regulus felt like the floor just disappeared from under him and he drifted off into the earth. "Oh, baby, that's not–"
"I know, I know–" His voice broke as his arms tightened their hold. "I know. I just..." He choked on his words and Regulus rubbed his back, waiting him out. "I don't know, I kept telling myself you didn't like me anymore, and I just..."
His voice faded to nothing.
Regulus couldn't help but hold him tighter, as if it would grant him the ability to dig his way between James' ribs and settle in nicely next to his beating heart. "I love you, James. Nothing changed, I love you, I care about you."
Why did you think that? What did I do to make you think that?
The questions were right on the tip of his tongue, but he swallowed them back down. He feared it was too soon to ask. He didn't want to push at James until he broke again in an attempt to fix the situation, even if he needed to make everything clear.
Patience. One step at a time.
James' arms shook where they were wrapped around Regulus, and when he opened his mouth, instead of words came out a cry. Regulus wanted to look at him so badly, to hold his face, to kiss his nose, his cheeks, his eyelids, and tell him everything is okay.
But he didn't move, offering him all the time he needed.
"But I–" James' voice cracked on a sob and he had to clear his throat to push the words out, wet and airy. "I'm so loud, I talk so fucking much sometimes and I'm so messy." Regulus had to bite down on his lip to stop himself from crying at the way he sounded. "I burn the simplest foods 'cause I'm a fucking idiot and get distracted by anything and I always forget dates and– and, I'm just so– I can't fucking do shit myself so I don't get how you– It's– And then I get like this, crying and making you feel bad, being such a burden all the time 'cause somehow I can't be okay for two consecutive days and I– I get it– I'm just, I know I'm too much... And if you've had enough, I get it."
James' chest trembled against Regulus', his words were getting more and more sluggish as he spoke, so much that Regulus had a hard time understanding him, but it wasn't overly difficult to piece together the broken sounds when he knew the context.
After a sequence of loud sobs, James stuttered a couple of times, stuck on the same words until he managed to get past them.
"I hate it–" A small cough interrupted his words, "I hate it when I get like this, I don't– I don't– this is not me. I hate this. It's all so..." His voice broke into a cry that had Regulus really fighting back the tears in his own eyes. Maybe the hardest thing was letting him speak, seeing him like this, but he had to. He had to let James speak what was on his mind, let him get it all out before he could calm down. "I hate how it feels like that's... that's it. That's all, it's over and it's never coming back–"
"I'm here, James."
He couldn't help the words, whispered into James' scalp as he held him together in his arms. He repeated them softly as James broke down into more crying, soaking Regulus' shirt at this point, but he couldn't bring himself to care about any of that.
James muttered some more against his neck, the warm puffs of air ghosting over Regulus' skin, the shiver on his back making his spine tingle more than the cold ever could.
He patted his back as he waited for James to calm down once more, and he thought of what he should say. A part of him knew words were sort of futile, he couldn't really say much that would change James' mind, rather he had to wait it out for the moment to pass and then he could talk to him when he was clear headed and make sure he'd avoid this happening again, but he still had to try. It hurt not being able to help.
"Baby, can I look at you?"
James tensed for a moment before he pushed up, sitting back on Regulus' thighs that were beginning to lose feeling by now, but he gave it no mind. Hands slid from James' back over to his face, cupping his cheeks gently as thumbs swiped over the wet streaks there. Even in the low light he could discern his red and puffy eyes, his bitten lips. His glasses were missing, probably lost somewhere on the bathroom floor. The view was more striking without the cover of the reflection in his glasses, direct and piercing.
James didn't meet his eyes, but that was okay. His chest was rising and falling with steadier breaths. Regulus held on and looked at the slight tremble in his lashes like it was a lifeline. Maybe it was. "I love you. Nothing you do is a burden to me." James' eyes flickered up to his and he didn't even need to open his mouth for Regulus to know what he was thinking. "Even when I tell you you're annoying, I don't– I don't mean it. I love being annoyed by you. I love having you around, it doesn't matter what you do, I love having you with me. I care about you, I enjoy taking care of you. When I say I love you, it doesn't mean I love just... parts of you that you or others might deem as lovable, or... good enough. Everything about you is loveable. The good, the bad, at the end of the day, it's you."
"But sometimes..."
Regulus waited, but James didn't finish his sentence. He let out a sigh.
"Sometimes I'm also a prick. I may snap at you, because I'm also not perfect. I also get sad and panic, you know firsthand how bad it is sometimes... like when it gets too crowded, or too dark and I lose my grip on reality. I have my bad moments too. But you love me through them, don't you?"
James' eyes found his again and this time they lingered.
He nodded and Regulus smiled.
"See, that's how it is on my side too."
"But you don't get like this."
Regulus tilted his head to the side a bit. "Maybe so. We process feelings differently, so what?"
"So what if it's too much?"
"Then I'd tell you. We'd talk it out." He felt the urge to bring James closer and kiss him, but he kept still. "But I assure you it is not."
"It's not that I don't believe you, but..."
"I know, baby. You've got too into your head, but we'll wait it out together. We'll figure it out together."
James' eyes slid down slowly, his hands coming up to rest on Regulus' chest. He was sure James could feel his heart beating its way out between his ribs, and he let him. He let him feel, he let him hear it all.
"So you're not put off by having to do this?"
He shook his head vigorously. "No. I'll do it and I'll say it however many times you need."
For the first time that night, James' lips curled up into a smile and Regulus felt like he won the world.
As if he found confirmation in the rhythm Regulus' lungs had under his palms, James nodded and raised his hands, running them over his own face, fingers pressing into his features and up into his scalp. He looked frustrated, but his eyes were clearer when they met Regulus' again.
"I'm sorry."
"No need, love." Regulus waited a few more moments before he asked, "James, can you tell me if I did something?" James blinked emptily at him. "I know that sometimes you just talk your pretty head into this by yourself, but there's also the chance that I did or said something that set you off. Did I?" Silence. "You can tell me, I won't be upset."
James' shoulders dropped once more, "I... no. It's just– I missed you. I just missed you. You've been busy, I've been busy and... Yeah."
Regulus nodded. It made sense. "Alright. I want you to tell me when that happens, okay? You don't need to bottle it up and pretend everything is fine." Another slow blink of those long lashes. "We can sort it out together if you tell me, and it won't get to this. And even if it does, that's okay, it happens, but I want to be there for you."
James let out a scoffing sound that turned into a small chuckle. His eyes went over Regulus' face, sliding over his features like they did before, but this time it was a calm action with a soft look in his eyes and in the curl of his eyebrows.
"You love me so much it makes you look stupid."
The casualness and familiarity of the sentence took Regulus by surprise, his eyes widening for a second before he broke out into a grin. "That's usually my line." He could barely feel his legs at this point, only the weight of James' body over him, and his back felt so cold from where it was pressed up against the tiles, but his heart beat steadily in his chest, content with the expression on his lover's face. "But yeah. You may just be my fatal flaw." James smiled as Regulus pushed a few unruly curls behind his ear. He was so beautiful even when he was a mess of tears and snot. "Clear headed now?"
"I think so, yeah." He pouted his lips in the cute manner only he could achieve and Regulus knew what he was going to ask before it even left his mouth. "Kiss?"
Regulus bit down on his smile. Predictable. He grabbed James' jaw, but instead of bringing their faces closer, he squished his cheeks and accentuated the pout.
"Your breath smells horrible."
"So that's where you draw the line?"
"Yeah. Love you unconditionally, but no kisses with stinky breath."
James laughed and it was like music to Regulus' ears. He nuzzled into Regulus' palm as his hand moved to cup his cheek and placed a kiss over his finger. There was no sliver left of the earlier panic.
Regulus pressed his thumb over his bottom lip, barely containing his excitement.
"Alright then, Jamie, let's get you up, brush your teeth, give you a kiss and cook you some pasta. How does that sound?" James seemed just as excited until he got up and his knees cracked with the motion. Regulus wrapped his arm over his middle, holding him up against the sink. "Old age is catching up, grandpa."
"Oh, shut up."
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Wow, it's been quite some times since I've posted! Well, hope you like this one!
By callmedear on A03