~{Will all this end only after going to the hospital?}~
[What's that, beloved loveonces? Who couldn't afford to understand the pain behind our silence without expressing it? Thank God! That here is someone in my life who can understand me without saying anything that I am in trouble at this moment, just by reading my eyes.]
"What do you mean by this talk about parents? Did I accidentally break your heart? Regretfully, parents break the hearts of their children may be true to a some extent, but have I done all this?" He asked in a hurtful tone as he tried to be strong.
"Unfortunately, with great regret, I've got to say this! Big yes, Appa, you did this. I know that I made a mistake. You have the right to punish me as you feel free, but please stop saying this, which you repeatedly say to show off: 'don't scared or me I'll never be harsher on you more than necessary'." I taunted him.
"How did I? I don't pretend!" He asked straight.
I cried for courage and vented out the anger in my heart. I wanna tell him how much you've hurt your little sweetie unknowingly.
Now pamper her with your affection. "You don't believe anyone without proof, like usual, so here is an alive proof. I'm the Jeon Yn proof! My badly disturbed mental health, and yes, I don't feel comfortable around anymore just because I eternally stay haunted that you wouldn't believe or understand me anymore, and by mislead situations, you would get upset and give me beating+ silent treatments."
I added while exploring, "I'm just frequently scared stiff, but you can't see. I'm more scared of your silence than your hitting, which you probably forgot to notice! I'll never blame the physical punishment given by you as those are bearable, but did you notice how long and harsh the silent treatment you gave me this time?"
"Darling! But it's your mis--" I interrupted him this time and said,
"No, Appa, let it be a mistake talk. I accepted it; it's true; it is all my mistake, but did you try to find out once? You were worried about that matter to such an extent that even after you got admitted to the hospital, the matter escalated to this point. Still, why did I repeat my mistake thrice or maybe more times? You know nicely how much your silence disturbs me. I cannot bear your silent treatment for long, but still, you continued your strict nature on me for so many days. Now it seems that this treatment has probably been going on for more than 3 weeks."
I added, "If I had not been so unwell, you would not have talked to me even today. You knew everything, yet you did all this deliberately to hurt me. I'm deeply hurt by you."
I feel that I'm misunderstanding Appa because he is behaving strangely today. Am I hurting him by expressing my feelings too openly? I'm being really rude today, but these are my hidden feelings because I am also badly hurt.
Appa was silent this time. When I looked at his displeasured and biting red face, it looked like he's trying his best to control his angry frustration. I realized how badly I've been behaving for a long time, and just now I interrupted the elders, which is disrespectful, and Appa did not like it at all, so I said it calmly. "I didn't mean! I apologize; I will not interrupt elders like this in the future."
He just clambered and nodded. "Okay, keep this in mind from now on! And as for me not coming myself to help you, I wanted you to fight on your own as long as you could, and when you couldn't, you would come to me. I know this very well. I don't want to give much explanation in this matter." He added, "And Today, I am the one who asked you, you have not told all this yourself, so please don't bring up this unnecessarily topic during the conversation." He said this in a bit of a cold, but sweet tone. He ignored all my complaints as if he deliberately did not want to respond.
"And I'm really sorry that I didn't understand you this time on the'relationship topics issue', but it's not entirely my fault; you are also involved somewhere in this You had to come and tell me everything, didn't you? When someone makes the same mistake all the time, even after explaining it countless times, no matter how much trust they have in that person, our hearts also tremble. If the matter is serious, then everyone can get angry. I am also one of them, so it is obvious that I am also a human being." Just as he had said, he calmly expressed his views in a cracked voice.
"Why is this relationship issue so serious for you as compared to others?" I asked, but if he ignored it, then I remained silent on this issue, thinking that there must be something special that he did not want to tell.
As soon as I finished thinking, he replied, "When the time comes, I will explain with an example." I nodded softly in fear.
And he had asked, "What is the matter of 'I hate your voice!'? You have also taken that very seriously. Deep inside your heart?" I remained silent for a long time.
"Sweetie I've been asking for so long; answer me!" Appa said it with a little more emphasis on the words.
"I told you that you had forbidden me to speak, so how could I speak? Yes, it was true; that's why I don't know how to tell you without a verbal tone." I repeated my statement a little angrily.
Both pain and anger are visible in the voice at this time. "It's nothing like that, okay? I said something like that that day out of anger and resentment, and you know very well that all this wasn't true."
He added peacefully, "So don't give this false excuse! I know I've been a bit harsh this month, but isn't it your fault that you repeatedly ignore what I say and challenge me?"
I added a crying tone. As I'm trying to say, I'm not able to explain, but please, Dada, understand me. "How did you know that I was only challenging you, but I wasn't going through any other suffering? You also broke one of my support phones that was helping me."
"Would you like to explain this more clearly, as I'm unable to understand it well, please, sweetie?" He said it gently, more like a requesting tone.
I went to him and started crying really hard and bitterly while hugging. "Appa, it just simply means that whatever work I did, which made you lose your temper to such an extent that you stopped talking to me to a great extent, I honestly didn't want to do all the work that time, but I don't know why I made a mistake or I don't know how. I'm regretting it for my misdeeds, which were increased by all the punishment that you gave me, and I am deeply sorry for that. I hopefully want my appa to understand and help me because they're growing; I'm no longer able to bear it alone. I need your help; otherwise, I feel like I want all those things back, which I don't want to do anymore, or it feels like it's difficult to stay alive. All these thoughts come to my mind." I finally asked for help to fight because I was no longer able to do everything right.
He joined me in calming me down by hugging me tightly in his arm, and here I realized how he has forgotten his anger and discomfort and is helping me to claim down; perhaps that is why he is the father. The first priority of all the parents in the world is their children. Above all else, forget your own pain and take care of their children.
"Are there any more complaints? Let them come out peacefully, but please don't cry! And is this also something to be said? It is obvious that I will definitely help you, even if you don't tell me how to help." He told me that as his right tattooed hand caresses my hair affectionately, I am getting comfort, as if he is charging the battery of my happiness.
He added, "I'll listen to whatever useful or even stupid things are hidden inside your mind without any complaint. Don't forget, darling, I'm always with you. Even if I am unhappy with you, please don't hide your problems from me. If you or I myself are angry with you, then come to me with full rights and tell me your complaints, even if it is because of me; definitely, I'll destroy even reason too. You are my first priority, sweetie. I haven't answered all your questions, but I will when the time comes." He took a pause and then said, "Just don't misunderstand me when I'm angry at you about some particular or serious topic, because that issue will be sensitive for me, so when some things are not known yet and it is not like knowing for now, then leave it to the situation; mystery will be revealed automatically with time."
I said while sobbing, "Daddy, I misunderstood you a little and behaved like this with you today. I am sorry for that and seek your forgiveness."
He kissed my forehead in a low voice and said with some regret, "It's totally fine! And I'm again telling you that I didn't come forward and ask you because I thought you would handle everything on your own, and I wish that if you wanted to do it on your own, I would not have interfered because you'll have to do something on your own in the future, and I won't always be with you every moment, won't I? So I just wanted to make you a bit stronger. I didn't know it was this far ahead or really such a big issue; otherwise, I wouldn't have done it."
"I'm sorry! Now I understand you!" I repeated.
He replied, "It's okay, sweetie! Appa is not upset." He told a lie.
"I'm really, really sorry! I would never do that!" I cried.
"Aww, darling, stop crying and calm down." He calmed me down somehow.
"Next time, don't lie to me." He warned in a calm tone.
"I won't!" I responded.
"Sweetie, to be honest, I don't like when you share your pain with anyone else except me, so no matter what the matter is, you tell me, and I will help you completely." Appa said sharply, I don't know whether it was a request, an order, or a warning, but it felt good when Appa became possessive of me.
"Never ever!" I replied.
I am still scared, like before. I don't want to, but I still hope to get rid of him soon because I am scared of Appa. This is a strange thing because he never punishes me without any reason.
And seeing me so scared, he himself seemed scared and regretful about something. It's just that today I was a little too rude towards Appa. I hope that Appa will forgive me. The truth can be told peacefully without being rude, but I don't know what happened to me or why I did this.
I didn't want to be rude, so I said to Appa, "I'm sorry for being rude; I didn't mean to be rude; it happened accidentally during the conversation."
I don't know if today is a completely different appa because he didn't scold me but just said gently, "No problem! Please! Don't do that again; it's not a good habit."
~After some time~
"Come on, are you okay now? So you will have to go; I have decided everything, and after listening to all your words, it will be better for you to stay away from me for some time." Appa ordered sharply.
I asked in confusion, "What happened suddenly, Dada? You had canceled the plan of sending me to boarding school."
"I never said anything like that; I said I would think, and I have thought, and this is my final decision that you are going." He said it coldly.
"Appa, please, I don't want to go--" he said in a sharp voice, interrupting my conversation. "Come on, the bag is there in the hallroom."
He held my hand and took me to the hallroom, ignoring my pleas.
I reminded him, "You are being harsh on me again."
"This is not harshness. After listening to all your answers, I felt it was right that you should stay away from me as much as possible; this will hurt you less, and you will also have good mental health." He is giving me useless points.
"Yes, obviously. I also feel that you don't love me anymore; that's why you distance me."
I added a threat, but he ignored it: "If I go away, I will never come back."
"Okay, I am leaving and will never come back. I will never forget that someone rejected my request when I was in need." I yelled an angry bark while clutching his hands from mine.
"It's best for you to stay away from me." He barked back at me.
"You are doing all this because I told you the truth; after today, I will not tell you the truth if something like this happens." I angrily went towards my bag and picked it up, which felt to me to be quite light, as if it were half empty, but I ignored this and asked Appa when I remembered something.
"I want to go, but before that, I want to take something, if you will allow permission?" I said it coldly.
He nodded and said softly, "Yes, go and get whatever you want."
I brought my family photo, the one with Mamma Appa and me and the second one with my younger brother, Appa, and me.
"You can take me away from you, but if I don't, I will take not only you but the entire family with me." I proudly told Appa while opening the bag to keep both pictures.
"This house is completely filled with your pictures, so don't forget that you are also here with me." He told me to please.
"So I myself remain here to live with you." I said it excitedly, but he was blank and a little angry. I continued my work in the same manner.
But when I opened the bag, I was surprised with joy when there was no one from my living room there, but there was a new phone and laptop. But I am still a little scared and confused.
"Appa, you brought the wrong bag; it is not my stuff." I showed a falsely angry attitude.
"Oh, really, let me see." Dad pretended.
"Yes, this is wrong. Wait, I will bring you the correct one." He said it seriously, scaring me.
My heart beat was increasing as he was about to stand up, but after some time he said while smiling, "Sweetie, these two are yours. Sending you to boarding school was just a prank to reveal the truth."
I was very angry today. I got up from there on the bus, hugged Appa hard, and started crying.
"You did very wrong; I am angry with you." I cried.
"Aww, your appa is sorry. But you really thought that I would take my children away from me, darling. I wouldn't even let your brother go, but he did, and I will bring him back soon." He said it softly.
"How do you feel about the phone and laptop?" He asked.
"Really good and hardly as well!" I say this while barely sobbing.
He gave me comfort. "No! Aniyo! Don't cry again. Anyway, you have cried a lot, but not now."
He added after making me calm, "I have a lot of questions, but now I will not ask you any further questions, even if I have more questions, because we will both go to psychiatrist for you tomorrow. I'll find all my questions there, and if there is still anything left, I will ask. That too is about your habit of watching 18+ things. Ok?" While asking gently yet deeply.
"Yes but!" I answered and just started punching him playfully on the arm. "Ahh, it's hurting. Stop it! Would you beat your father now?" He asked in shock while giggles a little.
"Ofcourse! I will kill you! You scared me so much; I will not leave you today." I took the couch pillow and ran after him to hit him in a playful manner.
He asked behind the curtain and said it with a light chuckle. "Hey, Courageous angel! Please forgive me; I'm your Dada, I was just having a little fun; it was all a prank, so be happy that you are not going to boarding school."
"Yes, I don't have to go, and I'm happy about this but I'll hit you." Throwing a pillow towards Appa, I said, "Come, attack me too. My Appa has taught me that one should not fight someone who is weak and without a fighting weapon."
"No! Don't play now! Otherwise, if the pillow bursts, the house will be dirty, and I will have to clean it." He spoke a little hesitantly, in fear.
I said, "Then definitely Yes, this is your punishment for making me cry and teasing me so much by giving me the silent treatment. The boring school guy is about to make a scary prank; come fight now."
"So your father is really a good person who has taught you good values." He made fun of me while catching the pillow.
Nothing, I lost it after a while. My pillow burst completely as I was hard, and now Appa is running behind me to hit me, and I am laughing and avoiding his attacks.
I know Appa is sad, yet he is trying to be happy and he is becoming so soft like just earlier days because of my condition.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~☞♡☜~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~꒰˖♡ To be continued...... ♡˖꒱~
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