Noah had already been gone one week and it felt like a decade. I followed a Bad Omens fan page to see the hype of how the European tour was going.
Their first show in Germany went well, and there was a flood of live videos taken from the audience. Part of me wanted to avoid it, but I had to watch it anyway.
There it was.
Their new single with Poppy that was blowing up fast. I kept scrolling through countless videos of her live performance, wearing a skin tight body suit and her hair in pigtails. Noah was in his infamous ski mask and they were performing together flawlessly. I watched closely as she kept crossing the stage to try and get closer to him, but he remained active and sashayed from one side to the other, engaging the audience.
That's my boy.
I was keeping busy, writing multiple articles hoping that the days would go quickly until they were home again. Noah and I tried to talk daily, but it was slightly difficult because of the time difference. He was already saying how tired he was and he was having trouble sleeping on the tour bus this time around. The routine of tour life was hard to get used to between the sleeping patterns, the interviews, photos and radio talks. The traveling to one city to another by bus meant long days and Noah felt like he could only sleep a few hours at a time. I was worried about him.
I woke up just about an hour ago and was having my coffee and looking over emails when Noah called this time. I didn't like the tone in his exhausted voice...he was just different today.
"Hi baby...it's almost 3 o'clock here...did you just wake up?"
"Eh no I've been up for a while. How are you, love? It's so good to hear your voice. I'm sorry I missed your call last night, I was asleep already."
"No worries babe. I'm just hanging out with Folio. We're waiting to do an interview before soundcheck," he paused. "I'm waiting on Moriah too...I guess they want her here for some questions about the new single..." I cringed when I heard him say her name. I think it irked me even more that he used her real name to address her. It felt more personal and I despised it. Although this wasn't good news to me, I still wanted to see why he sounded so down.
"Noah...is everything okay?"
He paused for a long time. I thought the line dropped.
"Babe?" I asked.
"Honestly....no....I'm not ..."My heart squeezed with an ache in my chest. "I'm tired, Eve. And I fucking miss you...like you have no idea how much." He exhaled and I felt my heart sink.
"I'm so sorry Noah," I answered quietly trying not to cry. "I miss you too. What can I do to make you feel better?"
"Don't worry about me," he sighed. "I'll be fine. I'm just having a rough day. " I felt terrible that I couldn't just run to him right now and hug him.
"Is that all it is babe?" I asked him cautiously having a feeling there was something else.
"You know me so well." He chuckled a little ironically and I heard him take a breath. "I can't lie to you Evie....I uh...I had a few drinks yesterday...I thought it was going to help me sleep for a little while. My meds aren't working, I can barely sleep on the stupid fucking bus....at first I thought it was jet lag but it's been a week..." I heard the weakness in his voice, "I'm sorry Eve...I'm so so sorry."
"Okay, listen...I think you need to call the doctor and tell him the meds aren't working right now. This isn't healthy Noah...I also think if you need to that you guys should cancel a few things so you can actually try to rest during the day." I ran my fingers through my hair worried to all hell and feeling so helpless. He was doing so good without his drinking and now I was scared he would spiral, especially with me not there with him.
I heard a voice in the background and Noah sighed deeply.
"Eve they're calling me, I have to go...I'm really sorry I messed up...are you upset with me?" He sighed.
"I'm not going to lie to you, Noah...I'm disappointed...I just don't want anything to happen to you."
"I know." I felt the pain in his voice.
"But we will get through it Noah...I need for you to come home in one piece. We will talk later okay?"
"Okay. I'll talk to you soon babe."
As soon as we hung up, I texted Folio asking him if he could keep an extra eye on Noah right now. I told him what happened and he responded "goddammit Noah".
He promised he would stay on him and had no idea he had been drinking again. We both assumed he had it when no one was around. I tried so hard to concentrate on my article, but my mind kept wandering thinking about Noah and the alcohol. I couldn't stop thinking about the fights we used to have because he couldn't control his anger sometimes while he was drunk. Then of course my mind created the mental picture of him sleeping with Poppy in his tour bus while he's hammered. I felt physically ill.
I scrolled through instagram to take a break from writing and I saw a few photos and videos of Noah. Despite his tone on the phone, in these recent photos he really looked like he was having a good time. My stomach dropped as I scrolled a little further and saw Noah and Poppy together. She was posing with her hand on his chest leaning into him. I felt a punch to my gut, looking at Noah's pale skin and tired eyes. He didn't look well. I wanted to throw my phone seeing them so close. Who the fuck did she think she was? And Noah told me he barely spoke to her...what the fuck!
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I was watching a new episode of Ink Master when Noah called me.
"Hey." I answered flatly not sure how I felt about his behavior right now.
"Hey baby," he said and then yawned, sounding groggy like he just woke up. "Are you busy?" He asked.
"No not at all." I answered calmly. "Are you feeling any better?"
"Maybe a little." He sighed. "The doctor upped my dose on my medication and he said it was probably going to take about a week to kick in. Last night I finally got some sleep though so maybe I was just finally crashing."
"I'm glad you finally got some rest hun. Is Folio around?" I had wondered if he was there at the party with him.
"Not right now but I crashed in his hotel room last night. I don't even remember how I got here." He kind of chuckled but I didn't think anything about it was funny. He was falling right back into his old habits.
He noticed the silence on my end and I heard him sigh before speaking.
"Evie...I'm sorry. I know I disappointed you and I'm trying to fix things and not mess shit up again. Everything's just been hectic."
"Maybe you shouldn't be going to parties then, it probably won't help." I had tried to keep it to myself, but my blood was starting to boil thinking about him in that photo with Poppy. I know I wasn't being completely fair, because he clearly didn't look well in the photo...but it was still bothering me they were actually seeming to be hanging out after everything that happened.
At first, Noah didn't say anything. The silence was killing me.
"Parties?"
"Yeah....I saw you and her together at a party in a photo...it looked like you were having fun..."
He was quiet for a moment and he finally remembered what I was talking about. Even though we were both talking calmly, I could sense the edgy bite in his voice.
"There's no parties, Eve. I went to an event last night after the show. I was forced to go by our media manager and make an appearance for some photos. But I'm glad you're following what I've been up to..."
"I'm not keeping tabs on you, Noah. The pictures came up on my feed this morning."
"Is there something you want to ask me?"
"No. I was just saying that you should try to rest more when you can..."
I heard him chuckle a bit and it actually kind of pissed me off.
"Yeah, I'm sure that's what you meant." He said sarcastically. My cheeks got hot as I grew more irritated.
"You know what Noah? I have to go..." I could feel a lump in my throat and I didn't want him to hear me cry out of frustration. The last thing I wanted to do with him was fight when he was thousands of miles away. He didn't say anything but I heard him take a breath.
"Yup. I don't wanna disturb you any longer." I felt an ache in my chest feeling like someone stabbed me there. The tension between us was killing me and I missed him so much. I was afraid this was going to happen while he was away and it was coming true. I didn't want to end the call on a bad note just worried about how he was going to handle his emotions after this.
"Take care of yourself Noah...I'm worried about you." My voice quivered with an emotional tremor, trying my best to keep it together.
"Sure. Later." He muttered and I heard him hang up. The agony from my anxiety started to overcome me and I tried to concentrate on my breathing really wanting to just break down and cry. My mind started flashing back to that dreadful day when I found out about Noah's infidelity and I tried my best to distract myself with other things.
A couple hours had passed and after a good cry I had finally calmed down. I felt bad about how our conversation ended and part of me was worried he would just forget about me and do whatever he wanted. Maybe he would think this was too much work and just be with her instead.
My phone buzzed but I was nervous to see who it was. I was shocked to see Noah was calling me back. I felt that familiar pinch in my heart nervous about what he was going to say.
"Noah?" I answered.
"Eve." He sighed and sounded faint. I listened in more.
"Noah, what is it? What's the matter..."
"I'm just..." his voice sounded shaky, "I'm tired and I'm just....sad."
It felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces as tears welled up in my eyes. I wish I could just run to him. I just took a breath not knowing what words to say to comfort him.
"Eve...I fucking miss you. I miss you so much." Tears started streaming down my face and I closed my eyes listening to his voice as he spoke. "You're the first thing I think about when I open my eyes every day. I woke up today feeling better than I have in days, and all I wanted to do was call you and hear your voice. Because I just miss you."
I wiped my eyes hearing him loud and clear. He was trying to tell me that I hurt him...I was thinking he was out partying with Poppy, when he was really struggling and still fighting his demons....he sounded so hurt, and I felt terrible. I shouldn't have even brought up the stupid picture. But it was upsetting to see him so close to her and looking so happy,.. it made me feel so small.
"Noah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to accuse you of anything...I just saw you in the photo and...you just don't look well and it has me extremely worried. I don't want you to fall back into old habits when you've done so much work getting so where you are now. I'm so sorry. We are so far away from each other and I don't want to spend our time arguing. I truly miss you." I confessed as the tears kept welling up in my eyes and I sniffled not able to hide it anymore.
"Don't cry baby...I miss you so much and I'm sorry for everything. I love you, Eve..."
Time stopped for a moment as I heard the words from him that I had longed for. I hadn't heard it from him since we broke up, and I wasn't sure if he still felt that way.
"I love you too." My voice trembled but my heart felt so full. "Please promise me you'll take care of yourself. I need you home in one piece." I wiped eyes counting in my head how many more days apart we had to endure.
"I'm trying babe-" he paused.
I heard someone saying something to him and he sighed into the phone.
"Evie, I have to go...but I'll call you tomorrow as soon as I can okay?"
I wiped my eyes feeling relieved we were ending on a better note this time.
"Okay. I'll be looking forward to it." We said good bye and I hung up just sitting there for a moment processing everything that happened today. I felt so drained. I tried to stop thinking about him drinking, knowing Folio would keep his word and keep an eye on him. I curled up in my bed, trying to remember what it felt like to fall asleep in his arms. Laying here without him felt so empty, but I had to hang in there for Noah.