Warning: there are some dark themes in this chapter and include a mention of death. Please skip if you're sensitive to reading about that, and just go
to the next chapter.
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After an amazing day of doing everything and nothing, Felix and Hyunjin lay on the bed, facing each other. Felix feels so close to him, he thinks it's time to share the truth about the notebook, no matter how hard it may be.
- Hyunjin...
I didn't tell you everything about the notebook, or about J.
- Ok.
Do you want to tell me?
- Yes. I do.
- So tell me.
I'm a good listener.
- Ok. Here we go.
Jessie gave me that notebook for my birthday.
Felix starts talking, and his eyes are looking somewhere in a distance. Hyunjin carefully listens each word while playing with Felix's hair (he just has to touch him all the time, can't resist).
- We were best friends, Jessie and I.
We used to spend all our free time together.
Felix takes a pause, and Hyunjin hugs him tighter. He notices that something bad is coming up.
- But she got sick, and, umm.. doctors were not able to help her.
She was brave. Sometimes she'd even try to cheer me up, and make jokes about everything.
Felix tries to say more but the words get stuck in his throat. Hyunjin tries to help:
- Shhh, you don't have to say it. I'm sorry I asked you about her. I didn't mean to open sad memories.
- It's ok.
I want you to know.
After she died... I was in a dark place for a while. I got rid of all my stuff, and bought a one-way ticket to Korea.
Hyunjin grabs hold of Felix the tightest he could without crashing him. He wraps himself around him, like a shield.
Felix, snuggled in a Hyunjin-burrito, finds strength to continue talking.
- One night, I was dreaming of her. We were happy, smiling, it felt like nothing bad ever happened. The next day, I started writing in the notebook because I wanted to keep that feeling. Like I could still just talk to her, you know?
And I thought, when the book gets all filled up... maybe I would let it go in the ocean.
- I understand. It's your way of saying goodbye. If you want, I can be there for you. We can do that together.
- I'd probably get arrested for littering though... - he says while sniffling.
- We'll figure it out. Nobody has to see us.
- You know, you helped me get out of the sad place I was stuck in.
- Oh, how so?
- I don't know. When we met, I remembered how to be happy again. Like you turned on colors in my life again.
- Felix...
- What?
- Thank you for telling me all this.
I'm not planing to let you go. I want to continue making you happy.
- I'm a mess though.
- Ahh who isn't?
We're all a mess, we just don't know what other people are hiding.
I'll be your mess, and you'll be mine.
- I love that.
- I'll put on some nice, calm music to help us fall asleep.
- Hyunjin...?
- Yeah?
- How come you're not taken by someone already?
- Well, I've been in a very long relationship, for many years. He's also in this business.
Long story short... things went bad when he wanted to try out some things, and I didn't. He looked for those things in someone else, then I cheated on him too, and we're over now.
- Lucky me.
- Or unlucky.
Now you have to listen to Kpop, which you don't like.
- You'll never let me forget that, will you?
- Never.
- Is your ex also an idol?
- Yes. - Hyunjin pulls out his phone and shows a photo of an incredibly good-looking guy. Strong body, baby face, the stare... he looks like some anime hero.
- He's so ugly. - Felix says jokingly, but keeps serious face. How can he possibly replace that??
- So ugly. - Hyunjin laughs, and the reassures Felix. - I have the real catch here with me.
- Right, you do. An Aussie mess.
- I wouldn't want anyone else.
- So, are we... like... we're just seeing each other, right? No other people?
- Of course we don't see other people. Why, are you?
- No, no, there's nobody else in my life. But you're an idol, and people fall at your feet all the time.
I bet you could pick whoever you want and you'd have that person in—
Hyunjin's fingers land on Felix's lips.
- Shhh... it's just us.
Felix quietly nods at those words. His heart is finally calm, and it beats peacefully.
******
So, this part of the story was sad, I know. There are a few more secrets to be revealed but those won't be sad.
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