It was a few days later and San didn't know how to describe the tugging feeling in his chest, it hurt. He had to leave tonight, he had to sneak out of the hotel and away from his friends, from his boyfriend.
San sat on a chair, his leg bouncing up and down hysterically. Everyone was sitting close to him so he couldn't show much emotion. They were eating lunch, but San was so fed up the thought of having to eat made him nauseous. His hands were sweaty which resulted in him having to wipe his hands on his pants from time to time, luckily no one noticed San's state.
The anxiety really got to him, he never really had troubles with anxiety. But this, this was a whole different case. He watched his friends eat peacefully, sharing some stories and laughing from time to time. Oh to be normal. San thought, he was jealous. Jealous of them not having to worry about this, about turning into a cruel monster. About possibly murdering. Your entire friend group. San saw these 7 boys as family. He could never hurt them... He would. never hurt them if he was in the right state of mind.
San covered his mouth and looked at the table, his heart thumping in his chest, there's no way he's gonna be okay. San pulled his hand away from his mouth and excused himself from the table, his legs feeling weak because of the panic he's going through, the first few steps away from the table he struggled a bit, getting his strength back in his wobbly legs he quickly walked out of the room.
He sat on the bed and sighed, there's no way the boys won't notice he's gone. What if they call the police on him? It would be terrible if they'd think he was missing. He had to make a decision quick. He had to leave, he needed to get himself under control first, him and his.. animalistic side. He knew what he had to do but that didn't make it any easier. He would have to leave Woo and everyone else, and maybe never even come back. He could fake his death, yes. He has thought about it before but isn't that just a bit too much?
But it still seemed a good, and safe option for San, they won't come looking for him would they? And everyone would be safe, without him around to potentially hurt them. It seemed like a good decision to San, though he wasn't really in the best mindset right now. He just decided to fake his death. So he can lock himself up in sort of peace and not hurt his friends.
San sighed and thought a little more, a letter? He could write a goodbye letter, they deserved at least that for being his friends for all these years. He wasn't sure of what to put in the letter but he just went for it, he got off the bed and grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen, sitting at the small desk he started scribbling down some sentences.
...
''Hey, It's San,
I'm sorry for leaving, but I had no other choice. It was already hard enough to make this choice, I had to leave due to some personal circumstances and I hope that's an alright explanation, I wish I could stay, but it's too late. I'm sorry guys but I can't hurt you, I can't be the reason you'll get hurt. Please don't try to search for me. I'll be gone. I won't be around no more. I had the greatest time with you guys. You guys were the greatest and brightened up my life, but I can't do this anymore, the guilt is eating me from the inside. Please know I love you all and think of you as my little precious family, please be happy without me.
Dear Hongjoong,
thank you for being there for me always and I'm sorry i'll have to go. It's gonna be alright and I wish you and Seonghwa the best of luck in your future. Thank you for always caring about our friendgroup like you were the parent figure. You really mean alot to me Joong. All those times you hung out with me at and after school, I truly had the time of my life. I could tell you my secrets and insecurities and you wouldn't judge. You always were so caring as if we were truly a family. Please keep loving everyone once I'm gone. I love you Joong. You really were the best, hyung.
Dear Seonghwa,
I also wanna thank you for being here. For always caring about me and helping me when I needed help. You helped me when I felt down about my parents, of which I have never told the story to any of you but you decided to trust me. My parents had died when I was younger. I was just too scared to talk about it, so I'm happy I could communicate about it with you without even having to say anything, those moments meant alot to me. I am thankful for how concerned you always were for me and my health, so thank you hyung. Thank you for everything, you made my life a better place as long as it lasted. I love you, Seonghwa.
Dear Mingi,
You have a big heart and your smile brightens up anyones day, I hope you'll be okay, take good care of yourself and thank you for everything, for being here for me since the beginning. The moment I first saw you I immediatly saw your bright smile, I knew you'd be such an amazing person. Mingi, i'll miss you buddy. You were an amazing friend. You really were the best. Mingi, I love you.
Dear Yunho,
you also always brightened up my day, I am still so grateful of how you helped me study when I thought I couldn't no more, thanks to you I finished school. Even when I got bad grades or scolded you, you kept tutoring me. I am so thankful of that. Thank you for making me a better person Yunho. Thank you so much Yunho, my dear friend <3 I love you.
Dear Yeosang,
You were always so sweet to me from the day I first met you, you truly are like an angel sent from heaven, you always were there for me and the others. I truly wanna thank you for being one of the greatest friends i've ever had and making my time worth it. Thank you, and I truly love you my friend.
Dear Jongho,
I wish you the best of luck with your exams, I truly hope you'll pass with ease. I'm sorry I can't be at your graduation, but I'm sure everyone else will be. I thank you for being there for me and helping me get through my tough times in school, you stood up for me when someone came to talk shit about me. And I'm so grateful for that Jongho, I'm sure you'll grow up to be an amazing gentleman. I love you Jongho.
Dear Wooyoung,
My love. I'm sorry. I wish I could be with you longer, honestly I wanted to marry you in a few years and have a cozy house together. I hope you will find this future with someone else, and I'm sorry I can't have it with you but I simply can't carry the weight of possibly hurting everyone as bad as it can be. Thank you Wooyoung, for making my life better. For making my life the best it could be.
Thank you all. For making my time worth it, I haven't been the same since the night I got attacked. I'm sorry I never told anyone about it but it's too late now. I have to face my fate. I truly love you all. Thank you for everything. I hope you all will have an amazing future together, I hope you guys will stay friends, even without me.
Please don't come looking for me for I'll already be gone.
I love you guys, more than I could ever love someone else. And I'd do anything not to hurt you guys.
I'll miss you all.
Your friend,
Choi San.''
...
San felt weird after writing this, they deserved so much more than just a silly bad written letter. But he just couldn't right now. San had quickly folded the piece of paper and wrote ''to Ateez'' on the paper and put it in his backpocket.
This is it.
He changed into a black hoodie and some black sweats, he took a black cap with it and grabbed his jacket. San walked out of the apartment, but quickly went back in, he took the polaroid he took of his friends about one year ago, around this time. He shot a guilty smile at the picture before making his way out.
His heart tugged in his chest, it didn't feel right.
San sneaked into Hongjoong- and Seonghwa's room, he put the letter on the nightstand and sighed. ''I'm sorry hyungs.. I'm truly so sorry, but you're better off without me.'' San stood there for a little while, thinking if he should go through with it, he didn't know. But he didn't have much time so he decided to stick with his fucked up plan. He did feel guilty. He felt like his heart was tearing itself apart, it made him feel nauseous.
San made his way to the door of the apartment and let out a breath he didn't realize he had been keeping in, it came out incredibly shaky, just like his hands. He closed his eyes tightly and held the doorhandle.
That was it. San had to leave. He took his phone, turned off his location and everything, though he would probably get rid of it later on. San opened the door with his shaky and weak hands. He looked into the hall to make sure no one was there. He quickly made his way downstairs and looked at his friends one last time. He looked at everyone, he smiled softly, his eyes getting a bit watery as the thought of leaving them hurt so much. He watched his friends for a minute.
His eyes lingering a bit longer on the blonde boy, who was smiling sheepishly at the others. San will miss Wooyoung. No doubt, San wasn't really sure how he'd survive without his lover by his side. But he can't bring Wooyoung in danger, Wooyoung deserves better than the monster that San tells himself he is. But he'll never stop loving Wooyoung. Wooyoung will always be the one that has his heart. Even if Wooyoung doesn't know he's still alive.
San took a deep breath and stepped backwards. ''Goodbye..'' He whispered and walked away, he turned his back on his friends, there's no going back now, it's the end. Will he ever see them again?
Wooyoung who was busy smiling at his friends, suddenly got the feeling he was being watched from behind. Wooyoung looked behind him, much to his suprise he didn't see anyone. He somehow felt emotional. He truly didn't know why, no one was there. Though he could've sworn there was someone a minute ago.
Wooyoung had seen a dark reflection in the windows but he chose to ignore it. Wooyoung looked at the spot for a few more seconds, but gave up. There was no one there. With a weird feeling in his heart Wooyoung decided to put it in the back of his mind and turned his back on the spot where he saw his dear lover Choi San last.
(Hey guys !! It's the author here,
I was struggling to make a new chapter for the story so I apologise for the long wait, I actually had made a whole chapter but I didn't like it so I deleted everything and started again, I hope you guys are okay with this chapter, I know the letter isn't too detailed but I just couldn't think of anything else. I hope you enjoy this chapter, and don't worry this isn't the end. We have alot more drama coming.)