Katniss POV-
"I need you here with me, Peeta. Not an hour away and not for a week at a time." I start, crying into his lap.
He holds me tight, pressing his chin to my shoulder.
It's the first time we've touched in about two weeks and it feels so comfortably alien.
He's comforting me from himself, how's that for a change.
He pulls me into his lap and I hug him tightly, voluntarily, though my belly gets in the way.
"I'm so sorry, Katniss." He says and I know that he is but I've accepted his sorries too many times for it all to be okay again now but I'm willing to try because we've worked three years on us to give up like this.
I don't say anything back.
I can't forgive him yet but I don't want him to go.
We've spent too many days loving each other and too many 'I love yous' to change that and one too many times of having sex to change the fact that I'm pregnant and we are having a baby together. If not, maybe then it would be okay but it's not because it's not Willow's fault and we both need to quit taking it out on her.
I'm just as at fault here.
"I'm tired of you treating this like it's not a big deal. When did you decide lying and breaking promises was a good idea?" I ask him, my tears hot in the cold, November air.
I bring my head up and look into his eyes.
I know he's sorry but I can't just keep letting things like this happen.
We are going to end up hurting Willow in the long run, I'm sure we already have.
We've already made what's suppose to be the happiest year and moments of our new life, something of terror.
"I don't know." He says, ashamed.
"It's hurting a lot of people, not just me." I state.
He nods his head, "I know it is." He mumbles.
"Then why do you keep doing it to us?"
"I'm trying to protect you and it's backfiring." He says and I think that's true.
I sigh and take in his sweet scent.
"If you keep pulling things like this, going behind my back or leaving, I'm not going to have a choice." I tell him, suggesting I'll leave him.
I just can't stop thinking about the many times he said he wanted her to have a 'normal' family.
"Do you really think I wanted this all to happen?" He asks defensively, pulling away from our hug.
"No, but you know in your heart right from wrong and it shouldn't matter why you chose wrong. It was nobodies choice but your own."
He shrugs, "I keep making bad decisions but I want so badly to do what I can for you and Willow, that I'm terrified nothing is going to be enough, Katniss."
"Peeta, we don't have to be rich. We don't have to be anything but loved by you for us to be okay. I wish you would understand that." She says.
"Sometimes, I wonder if maybe I wasn't really ready. I thought I was and you thought you weren't. Maybe it was really the other way around."
"Maybe neither of us were ready for a baby but at one point, that's all you wanted. Now, it's all I want and she's coming whether we like it or not."
"I want her more than anything but I'm just as scared as you are."
"The only thing I'm scared about now is how we are going to make our marriage work after everything that's happened this year."
"I feel like you're slipping away and I know you feel the same way about me."
I take a deep breath, "Honestly, the last few months your actions made me question if you were really my 'missing piece' or if you were just being it long enough to give me Willow." I tell him truthfully, painfully, because saying the words hurt me more than they hurt him to hear.
It's been on my mind constantly the last two weeks and the night he was drunk and I don't want to have to believe it.
His face is expressionless and I'm sure that those words hurt him more than anything I've ever said but I'm being honest with him.
"I'm sorry." I say, knowing I've hurt his feelings.
"It's okay. Maybe it's true after all."
"What?"
"Willow being your 'missing piece.' I had always thought I was it but maybe we were both wrong." He says, no self-pity in his voice.
I set my hands on his shoulders, "Why can't I have two?"
"Because there's only one of Willow and I'm sure we won't have anymore kids." Peeta says.
I've never thought about it, if we would have more kids in the future.
I can barely imagine Willow, let alone another baby but I'm sure he's thought about it a lot.
Of course he has.
But now, who knows if we will truly spend forever together.
"We have to make it through this one, first." I try to joke but he doesn't laugh so I don't either, not that this is funny.
I sigh deeply, "I have no doubt in my mind that she is both of our 'missing pieces' just like I have no doubt it my mind that you're one of mine. Maybe you had one too and didn't know." I explain, totally getting off of topic but we at least we aren't yelling at each other.
"I had two, then. I felt empty until I met you, Katniss. I'm not just saying it either. You don't know how hard it was for me to leave you and I know I've lied and broke promises but I do love you." Peeta says, staring right at me.
"And I love you too but we need to figure this all out, Peeta." I tell him.
We stay quiet a long time, he stares at the ground.
"Katniss, I want to die." Peeta mutters softly to me and those are five words that make me feel like my whole world is crashing and burning all over again.
It's worse than the news my sister died or my father or even Peeta's family.
It hurts me more than anything he's ever said or done and I don't know what to do.
"Peeta, don't say that." I mutter, my throat dry and choked.
"Katniss, I don't know what else to do. I feel like I'm trapped and I'm making everything worse, no matter how hard I try to make it right." He says and I can tell he's being serious.
"Dying is not the answer to any of our problems. If anything, it would make things much worse."
"I seriously feel like ever since my family died, you hate me."
I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
"I don't hate you, Peeta. I've never hated you and I could never hate you." I say shakily.
"I feel like I can't even be happy anymore. Like I don't even deserve to be happy." He cries.
"What happened to you? You use to be the happiest person I know, Peeta." I sob.
I know it has to do with his family, it has to be that. And I know that I pushed him to get over them too quickly and that was wrong of me and hurt us both in the long run.
"I love you but it's hard for me to be truly happy when I'm having to force myself to smile or laugh or just act content with being alive. I don't deserve any of the joy you bring into my life. I'm not saying that you and Willow haven't brought me a greater joy but it's hard because I know I'm finally getting everything I've ever wanted. I should be happy and maybe that's why it's so incredibly frustrating."
"Peeta, you should've told me a long time ago you felt like this." I say, feeling guilty for acting like it was all okay after I found out I was pregnant.
Because I knew and he knew it wasn't better, they're still dead and they still haunt him.
"I didn't want you to worry about me. You were so happy and excited about being pregnant and I am too but I still needed time. I tried pushing it back for both of our sakes because I missed you and I missed us and you were so unhappy before, I just couldn't continue it." He says.
"I'm sorry, Peeta." I tell him.
"It's getting to the point where I can't take it." Peeta sobs.
"Please, don't do anything to yourself, Peeta. Please? Please, Peeta." I cry into his chest, my voice high pitched and whiney.
Now, I'm afraid he's going to kill himself.
I don't know how bad it is but he went from being the happiest man alive to wishing he was dead.
"I need help, Katniss. I'm not right and it's costing me everything I've always wanted." He cries desperately.
"We could find a different therapist." I suggest, knowing he wouldn't want to go back to Mags, she's not bad but she's not that good either.
"I don't want to go to therapy. I just want it all to get better. I just wish none of this would've happened and the two weeks, I was gone I tried letting my family go. I begged them to leave me alone and I've done anything I could do but it's not helping."
"Let's go home, Peeta." I cry.
He helps me up and I hug him so tightly that I feel like I could pop him and he presses his lips to my neck.
"I'm so sorry." He mumbles into my hair and holds me tightly, shakily.
"I need to go up to Bristol." I tell him pulling away.
He looks back up and we see her standing there, just watching us.
"Me too."
I frown.
"I heard everything earlier."
He sighs deeply and nods.
We go up and Peeta apologizes to Bristol and she apologizes to him, I also apologize to her for the trouble.
Peeta and I go home and it's probably the most awkward thing we've ever experience together.
We went from yelling and screaming and probably not liking one another to crying and hugging and being somewhat okay.
We fight and make up and it's a dumb, ridiculous, immature cycle that needs to end.