Chapter 54 – Courageous Confessions
I had found my way back to Jace's room. Night had now fallen, but neither he nor I particularly cared about that. I sat on his bed, my back against the wall, the photos Jace had given me spread out on my lap. The hours passed, but I could do nothing but stare at them. Every now and then I picked up one of them and held it right under my nose to examine every centimeter carefully; or ran my fingertips over the highly polished paper. As if I wanted to trace the contours of my family. As if touching them would bring me closer to them. As if through the images I could disappear from this reality and slip into another.
Jace and I hadn't exchanged many words since I'd changed. I was still in a melancholy state, still feeling the pit in my stomach, as if the ghosts of my past were screaming especially loudly for me today.
Jace was also sitting on the bed, but at the headboard and hidden behind a book. As if that could make him invisible. I wondered if he regretted inviting me here; whether he wanted to be left alone or to sleep. He didn't pay any attention to me and was completely focused on the pages of his book. If I hadn't been so deep in my own thoughts, I might have taken the opportunity to look at him more closely.
The voices in my head were screaming. I couldn't bring myself to focus on any of them for too long. I had the feeling that my deep, convulsive breaths were the only thing keeping my core from breaking. Why was the pain so bad today? Why was it robbing me of all my energy today when it had been lurking in the background for the last few weeks? Like a wild beast that had hidden its hungry nature until I thought it was tamed, only to break out and devour everything in its path now.
The photos had pulled the rug out from under me. In good and bad ways. They gave me comfort and reminded me that there had once been good times – reminded me of my mission; why I was still here, why I had to fight, who needed to be avenged. They tormented me and made me realize that I had lost so much – the futility of my mission; no matter how hard I fought, whether I won or lost, nothing would undo the past.
And then there still was Jace, who had also hurt me. Even though we spoke to each other again, I hadn't forgotten the thing at the Seelie Court. I had just pushed the memory back, waiting for the right moment. I despaired in my loneliness – a loneliness that went beyond friendship. That kiss in front of the Seelie Queen had made me feel even lonelier. Because of that look he had given me afterwards. And even though I'd stopped ignoring him after Jonathan almost killed him, we hadn't talked about that kiss. I wanted to claim that there hadn't been time since his attack, but that would be a lie. There was always time for the really important things. Time could be created and space freed up.
But now I was sitting here on Jace's bed and couldn't bring myself to open my mouth. I lacked the courage. Because of that disgusted look. Because I was afraid of his rejection. And right now I wasn't ready to deal with this. No matter how hard I tried to tense my vocal cords to utter the question – to even draw his attention from the book to me – no sound would come from them. I took a few deep breaths, prepared to raise my voice, certain that I had now overcome it, only to let my shoulders slump in silence.
So I stared at Jace. Time and time again when I felt brave enough to ask the question, only to back out again. There were so many stable constants in my life. That my mother was dead, my brother possessed by a demon, my father a power-hungry psychopath. That I could count my allies on one hand. That at least half of the Nephilim loathed me and considered me a traitor. That some of them didn't shy away from killing me. Jace was different. I couldn't see through Jace. I had no idea about his desires, intentions, and thoughts. He said one thing and did the opposite. He hated me and then suddenly he didn't hate me anymore. He kissed me and then looked at me like he still hated me. Of all the constants in my life, Jace was the one variable whose course I couldn't control.
Paper rustled. The edges of the books closed with a dull thud. Jace let it fall from his face. He took a long, deep breath and raised his blond eyebrows. Asking. Expectant. His eyes met mine and I was so caught up in my thoughts that I couldn't look away fast enough. He had caught me staring.
"Spit it out," Jace demanded not unkindly when I didn't react. I was unable to do anything, I was still too deep in my trance. "If you think you're being subtle about watching me, I'm afraid I have to disappoint you. Plus, your suffocating sighs are hard to ignore."
"I ..." But what should I say? The truth? Why did your kiss save us at the Seelie Court? Why did you look at me like you couldn't stand me afterwards? Again, not a syllable would come out of my mouth and I was starting to get frustrated.
Jace, probably misreading my angry expression, crawled over to me across the mattress until we were only an arm's length apart. He had carelessly left the book lying and now crossed his legs in a tailor's sit. "I wasn't sure you wanted to talk about it," he admitted, nodding at the photos in my hands. "So I gave you space. But if it helps you to talk about it, then–"
"Even if it helped, it wouldn't change anything," I blurted out, making him pause. My voice sounded vulnerable. Defensive at the same time. The past hours of inner torment were evident in it; evident that my mind had been in a completely different, darker place. It had Jace lean towards me. "Part of me wishes none of this had ever happened. That I would still be with my family, no matter the lies. There's nothing I want more than to have my family back and no matter what scenarios I play out in my head, that's the only realistic one."
"I can only partially sympathize with your longing," Jace murmured without looking at me. His eyes were strained on the space between us. "I never knew mine, so I don't know if it's really longing that I feel. My childhood was good, I didn't miss anything. The Lightwoods always made me feel like I was part of their family. Especially in the beginning when my grandmother wasn't able to take care of me. She alone always made it clear to me what we had lost. Of course there are questions. Questions about what kind of person I would be if they were still alive. What they were like. Would they have liked me? But my life isn't a lie. I don't have to question anything. Not like you."
For a long time I said nothing. I wouldn't know what. Jace had never opened up to me like he had right now. Until now, he had always avoided his family as much as possible. Suddenly a lump formed in my throat, fueled by the raging emotions of the last few hours. "Do you miss them?"
Jace shrugged, looking melancholy. "Not for a long time. Maryse and Robert are like my parents, I never knew anything else. I didn't know there was anything missing. It wasn't until I got older and actually understood what happened to my parents that these thoughts came. These questions. I feel anger that I never got to meet them, yes. But more for my grandmother's sake because I saw what the grief did to her. I hate your father for them being dead, but I have a family. I can't miss anything except a fantasy."
"I miss my family. I miss everything about them. The belonging. The affection. The cohesion. I knew who I was. I had a fixed place. I had my loved ones with whom I felt safe and secure. I didn't even know what I had until I lost them all. Now in some moments I feel so lonely that I sense how ..." There was nothing to describe it. There was nothing that would make it understandable. I thought saying it out loud would make it easier. But the feeling was still there. Even though Jace was so close to me, I couldn't have felt lonelier.
"You're not lonely," Jace said, reaching for my fingers. He squeezed them tightly. Firm, so firm, like a promise never to let go again. A meaningless promise that he wouldn't keep. Couldn't. "You're not alone. It may seem that way right now, but you have people who care about you. Even if it may seem desperate to you. Think of Isabelle. Or even Adam. I am here. You're not alone, Clary, I'm here. Always."
My eyes snapped up to Jace's face and his gold-rimmed pupils were focused on me. Intense like the sun at midday. Warm and vehement and irrefutable. Soothing, when you were so cold that any warmth was welcome. Grave, when you didn't want to get burned. I removed my hand from his, watching the reaction on his features. Jace had made himself vulnerable to me, and I had struck. His compassion had brought down his walls too much to be built up again in a moment. So I saw the insecurity, confusion and rejection.
"I don't believe you," I said, feeling my body rev up to a hundred and eighty. How suddenly all my senses came to life, as if someone had thrown me into cold water. How the adrenaline rushed through my body. That's how afraid I was of this topic.
"You don't believe me?" Jace seemed genuinely offended. His fingers twitched in his lap as if those four words had hurt him. "Didn't I sit at your sick bed for days so you wouldn't be alone? Didn't I crawl over to you half-dead so you wouldn't have to be alone while your brother turned the world upside down? Please tell me what makes you think I wouldn't be by your side."
"We have the same blood," I finally blurted out. Something completely different than what I had actually intended to say. Suddenly I hit my own wall, which was too high for me to climb over and tell him the truth. "The Angel's power connects us. We are bound together because we both have a special gift. A gift, of which we have no idea how it works. You need me, I need you. That's the reason. Without it, things would be different."
Jace looked speechless. He opened his mouth, his head half shaking in denial, his eyes wide in prejudice. But then the gold in his irises hardened and anger turned his facial expressions into an ice landscape. "Thank you for your honesty. Good to know how you feel about it." With it, did he mean us? This man really had an arrogant double standard. I almost had the words on my lips to slam my actual question back at him mercilessly when he continued. "Alright, if the angelic power is all that connects us, then maybe we should work on a solution so we can finally move on with our separate lives."
This pain was different than the one before. Closer to the surface. I chastised myself for my words, but at the same time I couldn't contain my own irritation with him. I expected Jace to kick me out of his room at any moment. Under the pretense that there was no reason for us to spend time together if only for the angel-blood.
"Since you're so eager, we should get started right away. Then we'll get it over with quicker." He spat the words at me as if he wanted nothing more than to actually kick me out. Like he was pulling himself together for some reason.
"Should I say more things that upset you, so you can get to know your power better?" My voice sounded neutral, almost bored, but the duplicity was unmistakable.
A storm was brewing in Jace's eyes, and he had to bite his tongue to keep from telling me the first thing that came to mind. Instead, he let out a strong, shaky breath. "No. We'll take care of your power. That should be enough of a distraction for you from your problems." Oh, he knew how to hurt others. And he used it mercilessly.
I felt my fingers twitch and for a second, I wondered in what need. Defense, which surprised me because this was still Jace. The last time I had felt so threatened by him that I had to physically defend myself was so long in the past that I couldn't remember it.
Jace had to see something on my face. I didn't know what I looked like when I slipped into the trance-like focus of bloodshed. But his eyelids fluttered as if he were rethinking his last words.
I jumped up from the bed, turned my back to him and massaged my hand. "As you wish," I murmured when I felt like I had my voice under control. The cool lack of emotion still cut through it and gave me goosebumps. Unable to act like a normal person, I spun back to him and held out my hand. In his defense, I had to appear threatening. Still, the tension in his muscles bothered me. "Your stele?"
Understanding crossed Jace's controlled features and he wordlessly handed me his stele. "Do you have a plan?" He cleared his throat hoarsely.
"I'll try like I did last time," I explained curtly, allowing myself to be captivated by the electrifying cold of the Adamas. Standing, I closed my eyes and focused entirely on the pain in my core. On the loneliness that made me drown.
What do you want? Closeness. Belonging. Truth.
What do you need for that? Courage. Fearlessness. Truth.
The rune appeared in my mind's eye as if by itself. So quick, so simple, I almost laughed out loud. And just like the last time, when I had drawn the rune on the ground, I knew that this one belonged on my skin. An instinct stronger than any gut feeling. So I drew.
My skin burned where the stele passed over it. Like the finest tip of a blade cutting into the skin – barely noticeable, but just noticeable. The blood in my arm pulsed, getting warmer and warmer. Until the rune was completed and the blood rushed through my body so quickly and suddenly that I gasped. It spread – spread the effect of the rune. And suddenly the feeling of my body changed. The pain was still there. But different. As if it had been mixed with adrenaline and turned into an intoxicating, agonizing cocktail. Exhausting and urgent at the same time. A vigor flowed through me that I only knew from combat. Certainty.
I opened my eyes and found my balance again. Jace was halfway up, leaning towards me as if he was reaching for me. When he met my eyes, he fell back onto the mattress. Then his eyes darted to the inky black rune emblazoned on the inside of my forearm. "How are you doing?"
"I don't know exactly," I admitted, experimentally shaking out my joints. Except for that focused determination, nothing had changed. A shuddering breath passed through my lungs. "I feel ... intoxicated. Somehow. As if I could start running now and never run out of energy."
"If anyone could do that, it would be you," Jace managed, cocking his head to study me. He was trying to hide a smile, I could tell. "What were you thinking about?"
However, I didn't feel like joking. Not after our previous discussion. My jaw tingled with the anticipation of turning my thoughts into words. The intention to tell him the truth lay dormant in my chest like a flame just waiting to be supplied with enough oxygen. And unlike before, there was no holding back, no fear of possible rejection. Just the urge to finally let it go.
"About not wanting to be afraid of revealing my feelings anymore," I blurted out bluntly, light as the wind, as if it wasn't a topic that affected me personally. I narrowed my eyes in surprise.
"I think that's good," said Jace, who didn't miss the surprise and crossed his arms over his chest. "A fearlessness rune?"
I shrugged. "Something like that."
"We have to test it." There was no trace of the angry Jace left, although I could see that he was on guard. "If Izzy were here right now, she would probably challenge you to a dare. Let me think ... but for that I would need to know what you're afraid of."
"There are a lot of things," I said without hesitation, feeling the power of the rune in my muscles —feeling it press the syllables, word by word, against my vocal cords and across my tongue. "I'm afraid I won't be able to defeat Jonathan in a fight. That I will never see my mother again because she lies in the Cemetery of the Disgraced. But who knows, maybe I'll end up there someday if I can't stop Jonathan. Yet, what scares me the most is the thought of feeling this way for the rest of my life: Alone."
Jace blinked several times, his mouth slightly open. You could tell he hadn't expected this storm of revelation. A reflection of pity crossed his eyes. He rose from the bed. "Did you really mean to say all that?"
I shifted the weight of my legs. "This is not a rune for truth. I'm not forced to say these things. It's just things that I would normally never dare to say, even if I wanted to."
"So you wanted me to know all this?" A hint of satisfaction crept into Jace's tone. Reserved, as if he expected me to say no.
My eyes searched for his and there was that uncertainty again. As if Jace, who usually had a self-admiring, joking remark for everything on his lips, couldn't make sense of this situation. There should be fear in my limbs that I should have pushed away. Daring instead pulsed in every corner of my nerves. "I need someone to tell these things to. I should tell Isabelle or Adam, but I can't explain why I only want to tell you."
I could feel my heart pounding in my throat. I could hear the rushing of blood in my ears. The adrenaline rushing through me. And then I realized that the fear of the truth was still there. Only fearlessness had turned it off. At least the feeling of it, but not its physical signs.
"Tell me everything." Jace was closer to me than before, but I hadn't noticed him coming. He had lowered his chin and was looking at me between his long eyelashes, an almost loving look. The kind of look that made something click in my brain.
"That's what I want. But I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can trust you."
"This topic again." Frustrated, Jace ran his fingers through his hair. This time he sounded almost accusatory. "What is your problem? What did I do wrong? And don't try to cut me off with the angel-power again."
"The Seelie Queen let us go on the condition that I be kissed by the person who desires it most." My voice cut through the room like a sharp blade. A sharpness that made Jace straighten up and step back. Misery flashed across his facial muscles, slipping away so easily, as if he had always been the type of person who showed his emotions openly. "You kissed me and she let us go."
"I know, I was there," Jace managed, avoiding my searching eyes.
"She said you longed for that kiss and yet afterward you looked at me like I was the most horrible, disgusting person to ever walk the face of the earth. That's why I don't trust you." Sweat poured down my forehead. I felt the hot droplets against my skin; felt my labored breathing piercing my chest like a dagger. Despite everything, I had brought myself to do it. For the duration of this rune I was completely fearless.
"I–" Jace looked up at me, concerned. Disbelief softened the gold of his irises. Then the realization hit him. "Wait, is that the reason you've been avoiding me all this time? Because you thought I looked at you strangely?"
"I didn't think it, I saw it. As clearly as I see you right now. I didn't imagine that look," I hissed.
Suddenly, for some reason I couldn't understand, Jace looked relieved. "I thought you were avoiding me because you didn't want the kiss. You stormed off so quickly, and I thought you didn't like it."
"I stormed off because you looked at me like my entire existence pissed you off!" I practically screamed the words at him. Everything about him angered me. "I don't like being played with, so tell me the truth now!"
"The look wasn't directed at you," Jace said through gritted teeth, as if he was trying to resist the words. "I was frustrated with myself. Because the Seelie Queen wanted to embarrass me in front of you. Because I was forced to act based on something I have yet to figure out myself."
"So ... you don't regret it?" A dangerous question. Which, even with my rune, I was sure its answer had the explosive power to tear me to pieces.
Jace took a long time to answer. He had his hands hidden behind his back and his shoulders hunched to stand up to his full height. His eyes were not on me, but on a point in the distance. "I regret that it happened under these circumstances. As for the kiss itself ... I can't give you an answer to that. Not yet. Give me time to figure it out."
Not what I expected. I managed a ragged nod, but my heart slowly but surely settled back in my chest. I tried to listen to myself, to understand what I had hoped for, what I had wanted to hear. There was no answer. Nothing. As if I was blocking myself. As if my subconscious didn't want me to take this path. I had no idea whether Jace's answer satisfied me because I had no idea what I actually wanted.
For a while we both just stood there, the silence like a wall between us. At some point Jace turned his head to me. His distant gaze swept over me, and he pursed his lips, clearly unhappy about something. "You look exhausted," he admitted. "This rune simply cuts your nerves rather than truly eradicating fear. I hope it was worth it."
"I created a new rune. This is a success." I passed the ball back as if this conversation had never happened between us. "I think I've finally found a way to use my gift."
Jace grinned down at me. "I'm jealous."
"I don't know about you, but this conversation took fearlessness. Next time I'll force a rune on you too, then at least we'll both be honest."
Jace had no answer to that.
-
One day late to the party. And only a short chapter to present you with. Well. It's a meaningful chapter full of Clace-glimpses at least.
Tell me what you think! :)
Skyllen
P.S.: If there are any layout problems with my text, please tell me! I just had to edit my upload because I noticed some weird mistakes coincidentally.