"I wish I had a fucking xanax or something."
Riley said this as we were seated on our flight back to Philadelphia. It was the middle of the night, and not many people were on the plane- including no one next to Riley and I.
"I wish I had some on me," I said, "Stephanie keeps an emergency stash of it when her anxiety gets bad, I should have asked her for a few."
Riley put her hand on mine and said, "We had no idea this was going to happen. Don't worry about it."
"Do you think you'll be able to fall asleep?" I asked Riley, "I'll put on a movie or TV show for us, maybe you'll be able to drift off."
"My mind is racing too much," Riley said back, "But I'd love to put on a show and watch it with you."
The flight seemed to go by quickly as I put on Game of Thrones, one of Riley's favorite shows. We watched it together, and all I cared about was distracting Riley's mind as much as possible from the reality that was happening, and that she would have to face when we landed.
I was relieved to see that during the last hour of the flight, Riley had fallen asleep. She deserved to rest, even if just for an hour.
After we landed and got to the Philadelphia airport, Riley looked at the message Hailey had sent her with a description of the Uber that was going to take us back to Riley's house. We found it easily, and I was relieved that we were home in Pennsylvania, however, I knew what was coming next.
I didn't even care that I was pulling an all-nighter, and by the time we got back to Riley's, it was creeping up on 6 AM.
"Jenny...I feel awful that you've been up all night," Riley said to me as the Uber got closer to her house.
"Don't worry about me," I said to Riley, "Sleep can wait. I know you'd do the same for me."
"Of course I would," Riley nodded, "I love you, Jenny."
"I love you too," I said back quietly to Riley.
Riley and I thanked the Uber driver when she dropped us off at Riley's apartment, and Riley said, "Looks like Brooklyn's car is here. I just want to go inside and see if she's awake so she can see I'm home."
"Do you think she will be awake at this hour?" I asked Riley.
"I'd say the chances are good. She has a fucked up sleeping schedule from bartending so late."
Riley and I went up to her apartment- and a moment after she opened the door, Brooklyn came walking out to the living room to greet us. She wore a t-shirt and a pair of black pajama shorts, and her hair was in a ponytail. This was the first time I hadn't seen her with heavy, dark makeup on.
"Riley...Jenny...why are you back?" Brooklyn asked us, "Weren't you supposed to come home tomorrow?"
"Mom isn't doing well," Riley said to Brooklyn, "Have you even been at the hospital to visit her while I've been gone, like I asked of you?"
"No...I was going to go today," Brooklyn said, "But what's going on with her?"
"Her Doctor called me. Her organs are failing," Riley said to Brooklyn, "It's serious. Jenny and I are going to the hospital, if you want to come with we can wait for you to change out of your pajamas."
Brooklyn's eyes widened and she asked, "Her organs are...failing?"
"Due to the cancer spreading and the treatments not working," Riley said, "Brook, are you coming with us?"
I noticed a twinge of impatience in Riley's tone.
Brooklyn was silent for a moment and she shook her head, "No...not now. Maybe later."
"Brook...you have hardly gone to see her in the hospital. Things are not looking good, you should come with us," Riley said to her.
"No," Brooklyn said quietly, "I can't. I can't see her like this."
"I hate seeing her like this too, but we're her daughters. We have to go see her."
"Even though she hasn't been much of a mother to us?" Brooklyn asked, narrowing her eyes.
"Look, I get it. I really do. But who knows if...I just really think you should come with me."
"No," Brooklyn said, shaking her head again.
"So you're going to leave this to me, just like you have this whole fucking time, huh?" Riley asked, in an angry tone I hadn't quite heard from her before.
"Riley," Brooklyn's eyes widened, "I-I'm sorry, I just can't."
"You're not a little girl anymore, Brooklyn. You can't just run away from your problems and leave everything to me, per usual."
I could tell Brooklyn was blinking back tears as she said, "I just can't, Riley."
"You think this is easy for me?" Riley asked Brooklyn, her tone still filled with anger, "She's likely dying. This isn't fucking easy for me at all either!"
I didn't know what to do. I knew I couldn't cut in at all, as this was a family matter for Riley. I felt terrible for her- but I also felt terrible for Brooklyn.
This is just a bad situation all around.
Brooklyn now had tears streaming down her face, and she gave Riley one last look- and then turned away and walked off. A moment later, her bedroom door shut.
Riley closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath.
"Let's just go," she said to me.
When we got into her car, she didn't drive for a moment.
"I'm sorry you had to witness that," Riley said to me, "I shouldn't have lost my temper like that with Brooklyn...I know people deal with things in different ways. I just...this is completely on me. And I'm just mentally exhausted."
"Don't apologize," I said to Riley, "I know this is awful for you. I'm not saying it's not awful for Brooklyn either...but I know this is all on your shoulders. It isn't fair to you."
"Thank you," Riley said, "Of course, I'll apologize to Brooklyn later. She should be with us in the car right now, though. I worry she'll regret it if she doesn't come and this is maybe the last time..."
Riley blinked back tears and stopped talking for a moment.
"I'm just going to start driving," Riley said, "I need to know what's going on."
When Riley and I got to the hospital, we made our way up to her mom's room. When we walked in, her mom was sitting up in bed, reading a book. There was a colorful scarf around covering her head.
She looked even weaker and also thinner than when I had met her.
Cancer is so fucking scary and so, so terrible.
Riley's mom's eyes were tired, but they lit up when Riley and I walked in.
"Hi, honey," she said to Riley, "Hi, Jenny. Good to see you."
She then frowned and asked, "Wait. Aren't you supposed to be in Arizona?"
"We came back," Riley said, walking up to her mom's bed, and I followed, "Dr. Mason called me and told me that you're not doing well. I needed to come back."
"Riley...you did not have to do that," her mom said, "I still would've been around when you got back tomorrow."
"Dr. Mason wasn't making it sound that way."
Riley's mom looked at her, and then took her hand, "Well, she wasn't entirely wrong."
Riley looked stricken, "What do you mean?"
"I'm stopping treatment completely. It's not working, and it's making me feel even worse. I want to live out the time I have left as comfortable as I can."
"Are you going on hospice?" Riley asked her mom, holding her hand.
"I've made the decision to, yes," Riley's mom said, "My body can't handle this anymore, honey."
I saw tears prick Riley's eyes as she said, "I understand...I just...fuck, sorry."
Riley wiped at her eyes with the hand that wasn't holding her mom's. Even as she tried to wipe her eyes, tears rolled down her cheeks.
Riley's mother squeezed her hand, "Don't cry, Riley. I promise you, I am at peace with this decision."
Riley nodded, and I could feel a lump forming in my throat seeing her cry.
Do not start crying, Jenny. You have to be strong for Riley.
"Please, if you can, have Brooklyn come see me," Riley's mom said, "I know it's probably not easy for her. Or you. But I'd love to see her."
Riley wiped at her eyes again and said, "Don't worry. I'll get her here."
"Thank you," Riley's mom said, giving her a grateful smile.
"H-how much time do you have left?" Riley asked.
"I don't exactly know...but not much."
Riley then said, "I'm going to tell work that I need off for a bit. I want to be with you as much as possible."
"Oh, Riley, you don't have to-"
"No, I do," Riley said, "That's final."
After Riley and I walked out of her mom's room, she looked completely defeated.
"How about we go grab some coffee?" Riley suggested, "I'll come back here later."
Riley and I walked out of the hospital, and I noticed a few tears escaping still as we got to the car.
"Riley, wait," I said before we got into the car. Riley was turned away from me about to open the door to the passenger side for me.
"Yeah?" she turned around.
Immediately, I pulled her in for a hug. I could feel her heartbeat as she melted into my arms.
"As much as you may feel like you have to do this alone," I said to her softly, "I'm here. You're not alone."
I mean that. Every single word of it.