** one last goodbye **
"I will be there at your side to remind you how I still love you."
I'd lost Carl since Negan woke up from his dream, assuming he went back to his dream world. I wandered the streets of Alexandria, missing the homey feeling of living in this community. I stood by my grave for some time. It's still so hard to believe that my body was in there. They left my hunting knife from Glenn stuck in the dirt. Judith even drew a picture of me and her as princesses that they placed on my makeshift cross.
It was around the early afternoon when I found myself on my front porch. As I entered the house I once shared with Daryl, everything was eerily organized. I figured he would've rummaged the place like I did when Negan took him to the Sanctuary. Either way, I was proud of him for not destroying the house.
I walked upstairs to our bedroom. Daryl was lying on his side of the bed, once again fiddling with the necklace I made him years ago. I watched as he untied the knot at the top, tying my wedding ring into the cording before putting it back together. As I continued to get closer, I saw that he was crying.
Daryl sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed as he placed the necklace back around his neck. He wiped the tears from his cheeks, letting his hand linger for a moment. I wondered if he thought about when I would do that. He looked awful. He looks like he hasn't slept. Knowing Daryl, he probably hasn't. And honestly, I didn't know if he was ever going to find peace with this.
He began to sob again, the sight breaking my heart. What hurts the most was watching him put himself through this alone. I knew he wouldn't ask anyone for help. Hell, half the time it was a process to get him to ask me for help. I know he can't do this alone but he's going to make himself do it that way.
I placed my hands on his cheeks, the way I always used to. He stopped crying as hard when I did so. What shocked me, even more, was that goosebumps slowly began to rise on his arms. Daryl lifted his head, cheeks glistening, eyes red and raw. He sniffled, not that there was much room for his tears to go in his overstuffed nose.
"Don't tell me all that ghost shit she used to tell me about is real," he mumbled while looking at the ceiling. I giggled at his words, tears beginning to prick my own eyes. Daryl sighed. "I can't believe I'm about to do this. Belle..." he trailed off, doubt clear in his expression.
I knocked a few times on his bedside table, causing his head to dart towards the noise. He was astonished.
"B," he said through a new wave of tears, "are you here?" I knocked on the table again. Daryl let out a small sigh he didn't realize he was holding. "Can we talk? Once for yes, twice for no."
I knocked once.
"I promised you we'd make it," he muttered lowly. "It's my fault."
I knocked twice. This wasn't his fault. Classic Daryl to take the blame. He sighed again.
"Are you the one making my face cold?"
I knocked once, taking my hand off his cheek.
"Leave it," he said. "I like knowing you're here." I smiled, placing my hand back where it was. "Are you okay?"
Once. He began sobbing again. I wondered if he ever stopped these past few days.
"You weren't supposed to go out like this," he cried. "You were all I've ever had. I don't want to do this without you." Daryl forcefully wiped his tears from his cheeks again. "I miss you."
I knocked four times as if saying, "I miss you, too." He nodded slightly before lifting his head. He looked around the walls and ceiling, the color of his eyes a deep blue. They were swollen and nearly closing in on themselves due to exhaustion. I leaned down and placed my lips over his. I couldn't feel him, but I knew he could feel me.
"Did you just do what I think you did?" he asked, a small, somber smile tugging at his lips.
I knocked once. He chuckled lightly in response.
"Thank you. I needed it."
"I know, dummy," I said, knowing he wouldn't hear me.
"God, I'm so tired," he mumbled. I wanted to smack him for saying it. "You're probably telling me to get some sleep right now, huh?"
I knocked on the table hard. I'm glad he still knows I want him to take care of himself.
"Okay, okay. I'll sleep."
Daryl moved back so that he was lying down. He grabbed my pillow, bringing it to his chest. It gave him something to hold now that I wasn't there. I laid beside him in the space I used to occupy. He shoved his face into the pillow, pure sadness radiant from his whole being. He fell asleep rather quickly, although I can't say I'm surprised. I placed my hand back on his cheek, closing my eyes before resting my forehead against his.
***
We awoke in the same position although my body was in place of my pillow. It was as if it were a normal Saturday morning; both of us clad in a t-shirt and underwear, covers lounging around our waists. I could feel his arms touch my skin, feel his breath on my chest. I never expected to be able to feel something like this ever again. I brought my hand to play with my bottom lip as I thought about all of this.
Daryl opened his eyes for a moment, meeting my morning gaze. He let his eyelids shut as he groggily smiled.
"Hey," he said, voice thick and tired. He doesn't know this is a dream.
"Hey," I replied.
Daryl let his fingertips trace small patterns on the small of my back. I couldn't help but just stare at his closed eyes. He looked so peaceful, so happy. I hated knowing that he was going to wake up from this dream. I hated being the only one with that knowledge. All these thoughts made me want to cry. I was overwhelmed with emotions that I couldn't tell him. I wanted this to last for him. This was his last thing to hold onto.
"What're you starin' at?" he asked jokingly. He always did.
"Do you know how much I love you?" I asked. There was an evident seriousness in my tone. At this, Daryl opened his eyes.
His eyes searched mine, picking up the sincerity in them. He lost any amount of a smirk or playful energy then. He nodded slightly.
"I know," he reassured.
I brought my hand back to rest on his cheek. God, it's only been a matter of days but I missed feeling him; the warmth his skin radiated, the slight roughness of his facial hair, the gentle but strong grip of his hands. All of it.
"I love you, Daryl Dixon," I whispered, afraid that I'll start crying if I speak any louder.
Daryl brought the hand on my back over to grasp the one on his cheek. His hold was so gentle. Everything was so silent. He held eye contact while he lightly pecked his lips at my knuckles.
"How much?" he teased as he curled his fingers around mine. I let out a light laugh as I smiled.
"You're the love of my life," I said. "The one who's never given up on me. You complete me, even if you are a pain in the ass sometimes." Daryl chuckled at that, kissing my hand again. "My entire life has been with you. I couldn't have asked to spend it any other way."
Daryl happily sighed. I tried so hard to swallow the lump in my throat. I couldn't explain why I would be crying. I can't hurt him. Not in his dream. Not in this dream.
"I love you, Belle," he rasped out.
"I love you. So, so much."
Daryl pulled my face to his, kissing me with utmost passion. At this point, I felt a few tears slip down the side of my face and across the bridge of my nose. I needed to feel him close. I need reassurance that he knows how much I love him. I can't leave without him knowing this. I will never find peace if I don't.
He gently pushed me onto my back, holding himself up above me, never once disconnecting our lips. Our hands roamed each other's bodies, the movements greedy and desperate. The intimate need to feel close was almost painful. The thought that this was all a dream broke me. I tried to focus on us but that thought wouldn't leave. It never would.
I tugged Daryl's shirt over his head, separating our lips for an extremely brief period of time. Our tongues tangled and our breaths were shared. There was no elegance to our actions. My legs wrapped around him to bring him closer. No matter what, I needed him closer.
Daryl pulled my shirt over my head, throwing it over the side of the bed. His hands warmed my skin, leaving a seemingly burning trail in their wake. I'm glad it felt that way. I'll never be able to feel him again. He began grinding his hips against mine, his erection prominent through the thin material of his boxers. I couldn't help but moan at the sensation. He always knew how to rile me up in the best ways.
I pushed on Daryl's chest, flipping our positions while still keeping ourselves as closely connected as possible. I now took the initiative to grind into him. Both of us grunted and groaned. We mewled each other's names. A few tears would slip from my eyes here and there. I wished this moment could last forever. I wished this wasn't just a dream.
"God, I love you so much," I whined as he pulled my hips down on his hard. Daryl released an animalistic grunt.
"Fuck, I love you."
In a tangle of legs and sheets, we discarded our underwear, fully exposed to each other. It wasn't anything new, nor had it been for several years, but this time felt different. This was primal and aggravated. Not anger-aggravated, but love-aggravated. Well, I was genuinely frustrated being the only one with the harsh reality but aside from that, this was all because of love. Something I seemed to give up on, thinking it only existed in movies. A stupid, four-letter word that I fell so helplessly into with Daryl Dixon.
He held me tightly as I slowly sank down onto him. We'd rarely been in this position, mostly because Daryl and I just seemed to have this unspoken agreement that he was the dominant one. But in this situation, I needed this. We both did. There were no arguments. There was nothing left to argue.
He built me up to my highest point. He was my foundation. He's given me the best life I could have shared with someone. Every minute and thrust that passed by made me think of a new moment. So many years between the two of us. So many arguments. So many laughs. So much love.
"I love you," I cried. I was now breaking down. He wanted to know why but we were both too lost in the pleasure. I repeated the phrase as if it were a religion.
"I love you, Belle," Daryl muttered between grunts.
I needed to hear it. I wished he didn't say it, though. It made everything harder. I didn't want to say the next words. I knew they needed to come. He didn't know. He'll never know. I have to say it. I'm about to crash. I couldn't get a clear view of him. I wanted to see him in this state. I'm running out of time. I have to.
"Goodbye, Daryl."