AN: Just a reminder that I have edited previously written chapters, restructured/rearranged from chapters 43 onwards. To get back to the new flow of the story I suggest you read everything after the NOTE chapter (just for those who weren't aware that the I have unpublished them in the first place).
Or just re-read the entire thing hahaha because I have added few paragraphs here and there in some core chapters (but it's optional. except the ch 43 onwards stuff). Thanks.
Also, just a little context about Camila's character development in this (and previous) chapter in my AN below.
^^
Last night has been incredible.
There's something life-changing about eating pussy for the first time; it doesn't matter if Camila has gagged on a dick before, this time it feels like her head has been unveiled and the world has become infinitely brighter and more colorful. How it is different, Camila couldn't explain, but it's on the tip of her tongue (wink, wink).
Eating pussy all night long. Enjoying every second of it. Camila used to hate that word: pussy. It sounds crude. Overused. Corny.
Just like she used to hate the idea of her becoming someone she thought she wasn't. The kind of person her parents have tried, for as long as she can remember, to suppress through threats of therapy sessions and constant micro-managing of her life. Someone who is capable of straying from the ideals drilled into her, someone who could find ecstasy from unrestrained passion and decorum, someone who could be wild. For as long as she is able to, she has tried to delude herself into thinking that this is not her, what she has been feeling for Lauren was just a phase, and what she has previously envisioned for her future was her path.
What other words can she use for pussy without sounding equally corny? Vulva? Genitalia? Twat? Quivering ladybits? Southern lips? Eager Beaver? The Bermuda Triangle? Yuck. And what other sort of denial does she need to do to convince herself that what she did last night, what she finally accepted as real emotions, thoughts, and actions, was just a momentary lapse of judgment? Was it really not her? Was it so out of character that it takes away from the fantasy of Camila's entire persona? Who is Camila, anyway? Has she been misunderstood so badly (by herself) that it comes as a complete shock once she has stripped away naked (literally and figuratively) without shame, without thinking of the consequences for once?
She decides that she likes this word -- pussy -- for lack of a better choice. She'll own it just like the way she owned Lern Jergi's pu-- okay, point is, she's a fucking pussy-loving gal and nobody can take that away from her! Maybe she can sing a multitude of songs about this glorious thing and make an album and release it herself as an independent artist.
Euphoric, empowered, encouraged, that's what she has become (and she will never be the same!); also, sinful and dangerous, like she may be going straight to hell, but fuck it, she got pussy on her mind since last night, so her conscience hasn't gotten a chance to rebuke her yet.
As usual, after what happened, she is ready to feel the burning sense of shame she thought she was gonna go through, but, as her mind keeps bringing back the taste of Lauren's entirety, making her remember the power she has over her, the control she has over her body, the surprise that there were no regrets whatsoever is what liberated Camila, truly. That's how powerful Lauren's pussy is, she thinks.
Even now as she walks out their dorm, "Pussy Eating Playlist" she found on Spotify blasting on her ear pods, thinking she's The Weeknd the way she sings along about eating pussy like she has been doing that shit for years. Call her The Weekdays because boy she's gonna be eating Lauren's pussy from Monday till Friday. She rests on the weekends because it's Lauren's turn to eat hers.
She's proud. She's on a high. She has never felt more like her than right now.
But then she gets into Not That Kinda Grill, a new Korean restaurant that serves unlimited samgyeopsal, and sees the gang looking up and waving at her, and for some reason it feels like bionic eyes are judging her, and a small wave of panic immediately floods her body just like the Holy Spirit descending from the skies above and possessing all the immoral earth people. She mentally puts back her mask on out of reflex.
Shit, they know.
And so?
Dinah gestures to the empty seat next to her, while Ally, who is all smiles, waves at her. Normani is busy chomping down on meat, but gives her a cordial smile when their eyes meet, but it feels like she's looking at her like she knows something, like she's trying to read her mind, and this makes Camila even more nervous.
She notices that Lauren is nowhere to be found, which makes her even more unsettled.
Why is she nervous, though? They don't know anything.
She sits down, shaky knees relieved.
"Girl, we eatin' goooood today!" Dinah says happily as she hands her a plate.
Camila almost replies that she did eat goooood last night, but her good sense stops her from blabbing her mouth. Rattled, she simply nods, accepting the meat and veggies being put on her plate.
"So, where's Lauren?" she asks.
"You're asking us? You live with her."
"It's not like I'm handcuffed to her, Cheech. She wasn't around when I woke up." She did leave her a sweet note, though, but she didn't say where she's going.
"Lo's just running late, she's with my Dad," Normani says, but doesn't elaborate.
"Oh," Camila is curious but she doesn't want to pry. "Thanks, Mani. "
Okay now she's thinking about Lauren again and her damn legs almost crushing her head and how she made her scream through Mr. Snuggles just so other students in the dormitory wouldn't hear her.
She recalls how wild Lauren was, the way her hands were grabbing Camila's hair (ranging from soft and gentle to aggressive commanding pulls which spurred Camila even more), how vocal she was at what she wanted (man, those vocals though!), then turning into a perfect pillow princess that she truly is once Camila decided to take charge and not allow Lauren to tell her what to do, and how appreciative she was after Camila was done.
It was an unforgettably empowering experience for her. How the roles have changed; how she has become so bold she couldn't even recognize herself; how Lauren has allowed her to be in control, and just let her fulfill the fantasy of seeing herself break away from her old self. It felt jarring at first, to act in such a way that will have the old Camila frothing at the mouth, in such a shameless way she has reached for that forbidden apple and biting into it and not spitting anything out until she has been fully satiated.
That version of Camila last night, was it really her? Is it truly impossible to believe she's capable of being that way, out of the blue? Camila shakes her head. No, she has been a different person since she has allowed Lauren to fucking eat her pussy while she ate that damn Hawaiian pizza. All her self-restricting morals? Down the drain the same time she was choking on that damn pineapple. All her rambling hesitations? Just a front, an echo of an old life that she has been so used to, one that she has consistently shut down just to get a hit of Lauren.
Lauren has become a drug that Camila couldn't say no to.
Her mind keeps going back to last night. Recalling how submissive Lauren has become for her was so thrilling for Camila that she actually orgasmed without even touching herself. It's true. She didn't think it was possible, but she really did come just by pleasing Lauren, and the intensity of her own orgasm almost knocked her out. Her entire body was literally shaking as wave after wave of pure pleasure coursed through her, she almost cried.
Then she smiled at the memory of Lauren begging her for release, her entire body shaking so relentlessly when Camila did that trick she has seen when she watched some --
Her musings got interrupted.
"What are you smirking for, Mila?" Ally asks.
Oh, shit.
"Uh, nothing." She proceeds to eat to avoid answering further queries about her unusual smirking.
"Hey, who's craving pie?" Dinah asks excitedly, rifling through a paper bag. "I know you are, Mila!"
Camila shrieks and chokes on a lettuce, as she stares at her.
"W-what? What pie!? Of course not! I-I don't like pie!"
Where was that confidence two seconds ago, you pussy? Thought you're gonna announce to the world you're a pussy-killer?
Dinah side-eyes her, while Ally looks offended. Camila gulps as she stares at each confused faces.
"Bish, what's with the outburst? I thought you liked pie?"
"No, I haven't tried any pie before, okay!?"
"Mila, I baked that last night. I thought you loved my pie." Ally looks curious, and it makes Camila even more nervous.
Wait, why is she nervous again?
"No pie! I haven't eaten any pie whatsoever and I don't like eating pie! Definitely not your pie, Ally! Seriously! Not at all!" Camila insists.
Normani stares at her suspiciously. "Girl, what have you been snorting?"
Realizing how stupid her reaction is, she simply accepts the slice Dinah has been offering her and starts wolfing down on it to avoid answering them.
When she looks up to ask for a glass of water, she is met with three pairs of curious eyes, and she immediately shifts back her gaze to the pumpkin pie and keeps staring at it until she hears them chatting about Lauren's party that Normani is organizing.
When she dares to look up again she almost pees her pants when she sees Ally still looking at her like she knows something. She definitely knows something, Camila is almost sure of it.
"Lauren's here, finally." Normani says, making Camila forget about her thoughts about Ally.
She closes her eyes, trying not to smirk when she hears Dinah yell at Lauren, "Jesus, Lauser, what happened to your neck?!"
Yep, she did that, and she's proud of it.
The eye contact Lauren gives her is insane, like if looks could melt steel, she would be dripping down like fucking liquid mercury. Imagine your favorite ship in a girl group, and they might be in a room full of people, and yet they'll be staring the fuck out of each other as if they're the only ones in the room -- that kind of staring is what Lauren is giving her now, and Camila is probably returning it with the same intensity.
She decides to break the eye-fucking -- eye contact!! -- to focus on her meat and leaf, before she loses control yet again and pull Lauren's hair and drag her under the table and, well... she feels her friends staring at her again, so she coughs and says she needs to go to the rest room.
She sneaks a peek at Lauren and she sees her smirking.
._.
The ride back to the dorm is weird. Lauren is driving, and she keeps on sneaking glances at Camila who has become awfully quiet and pensive after Prawn called her during dessert.
At first, she thought that Camila simply overate since she has fully utilized the "unlimited" aspect of the food, but then when Lauren plays Skid Row on almost max volume, expecting Camila to fight her for some Ed Sheeran, she is surprised when she stays looking out the passenger window. Not a care about the "noise" Lauren is blasting.
Uh-oh.
This feels all too familiar. After being on cloud nine yesterday, and quite a fun time with the gang awhile ago, she knew something's bound to happen. Camila operates predictably: she does things out of character, Lauren feels happy, then Camila overthinks and pushes Lauren away.
She's not right for her. She loves Shawn. Her parents wouldn't approve. She's not that kind of girl. The list goes on.
It really must have something to do with that phone call. For a few seconds she considers asking her about it, but the way she's acting now, like a territorial clam protecting its pearl, tightly shut, Lauren decides against it.
She actually thought last night was different. Camila didn't resist. In fact, she was the one who initiated. Repeatedly.
She throws Camila one last look, sighs, turns up the volume even more, and keeps on driving. The blast of 80s rock is the only thing heard inside the car for the rest of the trip.
When they get to Room 727, Camila goes straight to the bathroom as if scared to lag for two seconds in case it gives Lauren a chance to corner her, and so Lauren quickly checks on Camren before plopping herself on her bed, intent on getting to the bottom of this.
Weirdly enough, she isn't as worried as she thought she would be. It's as she has expected, anyway, whatever this is. But she plans on talking it out, so she waits for Camila to come out.
And boy does she wait and wait and wait some more. It seems like all she has been doing in her life is wait.
She is almost asleep when she hears the door, and she quickly opens her eyes to see Camila in her bananas in pyjamas pajamas climbing onto her bed.
"Hey, Camila."
She sees Camila freeze, then turning towards her several seconds, with obvious reluctance.
Lauren almost rolls her eyes.
"Yeah?"
Lauren sits up, back against the wall to face Camila, both of them in the same position (and maybe the same state of anxiety).
"Care to explain the sudden weirdness?"
"Weirdness?" Camila visibly gulps.
"Please, you've been weird the entire ride home," Lauren scoffs. "And I think I know what this is all about."
"Then why are you even asking?" Camila says in an icy tone.
"Seriously? Are you gonna be a bitch the whole night?"
Camila sighs. "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you."
Lauren shrugs. "Would have been weirder if you didn't act out after we did something."
Camila doesn't say anything, a silent acknowledgment to the cold truth spoken, so she simply snuggles Mr. Snuggles and avoids eye contact.
Last night, when she texted Shawn, she really wasn't even sure what her plan was. Maybe she wanted for them to take a break, so she could think about what she really wants (no, but she really wants Lauren though). When she woke up this morning, she hasn't changed her mind, she still wanted to talk to him; she still is feeling some things for Lauren. Unfortunately, Shawn was out of town. Family emergency, he said. It doesn't matter, though, Camila will talk to him in a few days. She may be confused with most things, but this is one thing she is sure of. She is not the same person she was before, the one bold thing she did last night -- to lose control with Lauren -- is the most genuine thing she has ever felt about herself. Yes, it shocked her, the moment she allowed herself to feel, instead of overthink; but life does give you a whiplash once in a while.
But then, her mother called just a short while after she has spoken with Shawn. She gotta give it to her, she sure knows when something is up, like her radar is insane. It was just the usual conversation: one that makes Camila feel like a stupid child who can't make proper decisions in her life, and makes her question the stability of her mind. The thing is, the night Camila had with Lauren has really made an impact on her, making her feel braver, making her believe that she could actually be proud of her own decisions and stand by it even if her mother would not approve.
So she tries it during that phone call. She throws in a little pebble, dip one toe on the water, so to speak, test some shit out. She tries talking to her about Lauren, just small talk about how nice Lauren is, or how sweet she is to her pet, stuff like that. But Sinu sounded annoyed and wanted to hear nothing about that girl, says she doesn't trust her at all.
When Sinu asks her about Shawn, she tries to plant a tiny seed about her focusing on her studies first, that maybe she should stay single for a short while. To cut a story short, she got an earful. Camila doesn't even understand why Sinu loves Shawn so much. What mother wouldn't be proud that her daughter is choosing her studies over a boy? Is it because Sinu thinks she won't meet another guy and that she'll be an old maid and die alone? That idea doesn't seem as terrible to Camila compared to the fact that her entire life is being planned by her mother.
Anyway, that's what happened. Just one phone call with her mother has shattered Camila's new-found confidence and resolve.
Lauren's voice brings Camila back to the present.
"Why do you fight it?" Lauren asks sincerely. There's no hint of accusations or judgment; she is curious more than anything else. "It's obvious you feel something between us... I mean, c'mon, how you acted last night anyone would --"
"Lauren --" Camila finally looks up and stares at her with pleading eyes.
"Look, maybe it's just physical to you, and believe me, I'm fine with your delusion, but have you really asked yourself why you keep on denying what we have? What we could potentially have?"
Camila stares at Lauren, briefly considering her situation. She sees her green eyes, so sincere and beautiful and warm and it feels more like home to Camila than she feels about her actual home at the moment. She's been so good to her, and she keeps on hurting her.
"It's not just physical to me, Lauren." The least she can do is be honest with her.
Her words obviously surprise Lauren, the hopeful glint in her eyes are like daggers stabbing at Camila's heart. She can be honest, but can she do something about her feelings?
"But this," Camila points at Lauren and herself, "won't work," shaking her head.
When will this back and forth be over? Lauren questions her own sanity. Camila is so fucking confusing. What shit lasts anyway? Nothing is forever, the important thing is to do whatever shit makes you happy at the moment.
Jumping out of her bed, she walks towards Camila's and sits beside her, facing her.
"How can you know that? You haven't yet given us a real chance."
Camila seems to have been caught off-guard by Lauren's sudden close proximity, but she remains where she's seated.
"Our attraction to each other stems from different reasons: novelty and curiosity." Camila shakes her head. At this point, she's just a robot reciting from a list of reasons that she doesn't believe in anymore. She has feelings for Lauren, she's sure of that now. But what she isn't sure of is if she could come clean to her family about it.
"Once the novelty wears off, you'll get tired of me," Camila continues, ignoring Lauren's furrowed brows and eye-rolling. "And once I satisfy my curiosity, I can finally go back to something that doesn't give me a headache -- you know, a proper relationship my family approves of."
"Novelty?" Lauren scoffs loudly. "Please don't assume shit. If anyone's treating anyone as novelty, it's you towards me. Don't get it twisted. And I'm sorry I'm not 'proper relationship' material that your family can approve of, I'm not perfect."
Lauren is hurt, sure, but at the same time she isn't, if that makes sense. Maybe she's just numb. This wishy-washy drama is all part of the shit she signed up for when she decided to pursue Camila.
"Do you even love that giant prawn? Be honest."
Camila is caught off-guard by the question. Because truth be told, Shawn has become a backdrop to this entire situation. It's not even a question of whether she loves him or not, she's now at least willing to accept that she doesn't anymore. This is about the main reason why she probably has kept pretending that she loves Shawn for as long as she could: her family. Her mother, in particular.
How powerless can she be over her own life?
"They wouldn't approve," Camila answers, lips trembling.
Lauren stares at Camila, whose face is a mix of sadness and helplessness, while letting her words simmer in her mind.
That's really it, Lauren thinks. What's truly stopping Camila from allowing herself to blindly jump over a cliff and into Lauren's arms is her family. Even if she would want to choose Lauren over Prawn, a little possibility that maybe she's willing to give her a chance, to see where the current takes them, the fact remains that her family, her parents in particular, would never approve of Lauren, and if her family doesn't approve of someone, Camila wouldn't be in a relationship with that person (she couldn't, even if it's like her ultimate celebrity crush or something).
How can Lauren win against family? She couldn't even win against her own mother.
_
Camila's nerves are eating her up. It's as if hundreds of electric eels are swimming inside her, jolting her, making her limbs shake, making her want to crawl out of her own skin.
Her anxiety is in overdrive and the way Lauren stares at her, beautiful soulful eyes penetrating her very core, Camila is in near shambles.
She's actually in love with Lauren, there's no more denying it..
But how sure is she of her emotions when sometimes she couldn't even trust the way she feels? And how much is she willing to risk just to find out for sure? Is it worth uprooting everything familiar in her life for something that could very well destroy her reality? One blink and her idea of a fairy tale falls apart.
She's hurting Lauren, she's very aware of it, but she can't help herself. She wants to love Lauren the way she deserves to be loved, but why is this so hard? Camila feels her chest tightening up, her lungs about to collapse. She wants to breathe.
If Camila considers this (which she truly is) -- her and Lauren, what happens next? What if she chooses someone her family would never accept? What if they refuse to walk her down the aisle, who will hand her over to Lauren then? Yes, she's seriously thinking about a non-existent wedding even when she's not yet in a marrying age, that's how much she overthinks.
It makes her anxious if she can't plan ahead, and even if she tries not to do it, her mind will force her anyway. So, yes, everything needs to be complicated and also not complicated -- her mind always tries to make sense of everything with the intention of simplifying her life, which, in turn, makes everything convoluted. See how it was easier for her last night, for her lust and passion to take over her ability to overthink? How free she has felt? Now that she's allowing herself to drown in her own thoughts, she is, yet again, feeling claustrophobic.
In short, she's the cause of her own anxiety and frustrations. And great sex with Lauren is her medicine. Jesus Christ, Camila, control yourself.
And going back to her internal issue at hand (marrying someone her family wouldn't like), she can't imagine skipping family reunions or wedding celebrations or birthdays or Christmas parties or any gatherings -- she can't see herself without her family. Her family is who she is, it's what shapes her as a person. That's why her mind says she can't choose Lauren, even if her heart is already giving in. Her family are multiple people that she would fail if she does what she selfishly wants to do; she's only one person, and it's better to sacrifice the happiness of one person over her family.
And how sure is she of Lauren? That's one question she repeatedly asks herself that she has no answer for.
Okay, you fuck, now you're just making excuses. You literally had her whole pussy trickling down your esophagus last night and now you're questioning how sure you are of her? Annoying dumb ass bitch.
I said fuck off my head, Dinah, the fuck.
Maybe Lauren is drawn to Camila because she's probably the only thing Lauren has struggled to possess. For someone who's been used to having almost everything she desired, she can imagine the appeal Camila has to her. After all, one's value can't truly be appreciated and savored unless it was something that is hard to get. So, maybe that's just that. Maybe Camila is some sort of goal or a trophy or an achievement -- something that Lauren will move on from and to the next once the challenge has been overcome.
Lie after lie after lie.
Still, no matter how much she overthinks their situation and their foggy future, a voice inside her head (that has become louder and unbearably noisy lately -- it's Dinah Jane, ladies and gentlemen!) tells her how much she is attracted (attached!) to Lauren. It's cocaine-level of addiction, she simply couldn't resist even if she is flooded with intense guilt afterwards -- okay maybe not as intense as before... Okay, maybe practically non-existent last night. Damn.
Being close to Lauren has become an insatiable need for her. It makes Camila feel alive and wanted and needed and desired; she's someone else (bitch, is it really someone else, and not the real you?) when she's with her. But that fact makes it all the more difficult to make a choice because this kind of feeling requires no half measures; it's either she's in or out. It's either she chooses her family and their approval, or jump into this whirlwind of unknown with Lauren, leaving everything she thinks is important in life. That's scary for her. The scariest, in fact.
"You're to blame, Lo," Camila says, looking at anywhere but Lauren's eyes. "I used to have a plan and be content with it. Now, everything is changing and I can't make sense of it or fix it back to how my life used to be. You messed it all up."
Okay, blame everything on other people.
Lauren moves closer, but still doesn't touch her. But Camila is hyper aware of everything, it's almost the same as if Lauren is already touching and kissing her. Something is seriously wrong with her. She can't think clearly.
Focus!
Think of something.
Bananas!
Clouds.
Elmo.
Lauren's lips on her. Shit.
Cookies.
Lauren's tongue on her ---
Fuck.
Her tongue on Lauren --
Gay! Dinah's laughing face floods Camila's mind. She's so close to killing her friend in her sleep at this point.
Lauren's voice interrupts her psychotic musings.
"You need to admit to yourself that who you were before isn't the same person you are now. Stop blaming anybody else, Camila... People grow. Be honest, do you even feel anything for me, even just a tiny bit of something? I'll take whatever you give me." Lauren's voice cracks a bit, and she hates it. She hates being this vulnerable to someone who can't meet her halfway. But she has to do it, or else what becomes of them? "Because, last night? I felt something, Camila. It was real. I thought it was real for the both of us."
God knows how hard it is for Camila to stay focused and listen to Lauren's words when she's so close to her, she can feel her warmth prickling her skin, making her shiver with want, so she says nothing while she processes her messy thoughts.
Which obviously irks Lauren.
"Your silence speaks louder than any well-justified answer, Camila." She takes a deep breath, an attempt to control her emotions. "You'll never find answers from other people, only you can answer your own questions. You need to figure your shit out, man. And leave me out of it while you're at it."
"Leave you out of it? You're the one who pursued me!"
"Yeah? Well, you allowed shit to happen!"
"I --"
Lauren sighs in complete resignation. "You know what, it's my fault. I know I shouldn't have crossed that line with you... I mean, what was I thinking? I don't even know why I involved myself in this whole shit. Too much drama."
"You're regretting all of it?" Camila asks, panicked, hurt, confused more than ever.
"Camila... seriously, you're hot and all that... but, I --ugh, it's not even worth it anymore." She rolls her eyes and turns away from her.
"Lauren, wait..." This time, it's Camila's turn to be grabbing Lauren's arm and pulling her back.
"What?!"
She turns to face Camila, but doesn't close the distance. She's obviously sulking.
It takes a full minute or more before Camila speaks up again, the only thing preventing Lauren from walking away is the grip on her arm and the nervous look on Camila.
Camila sighs.
"I crave you, you know? And I don't know how to handle it..," she finally says.
Break up with Scrawnie -- uh, Shawn, goddammit! Seriously, if this was a goddamn book it's like already fifty chapters in, and there's no more story to tell. Fucking make up your mind, bitch! Everyone's tired of you, even the goddamn author of that hypothetical book.
"Fucking Dinah Jane, seriously," Camila grumbles to herself, unaware that she's talking to herself.
Meanwhile, Lauren is too stunned at Camila's revelation that she doesn't hear her grumbling about Dinah. She looks surprised, it's almost comical. Probably because this is the first time Camila has directly admitted what she actually feels. As in there are actual words pertaining to a point. Before, it's all about questions and projections; even when they're full on making out, Camila still finds a way to make it seem like she was forced to do it and that she has no choice. Hearing it from her lips that she craves her (even if there's an unspoken "but" in that sentence) is probably like a beacon of hope for Lauren.
"I can work with that," Lauren says. "Look, you said you're curious.... So, satisfy that curiosity... I'm game. And even if after that you realize that you've had enough, you can go back to shrimp dick, and we'll both move on. No pressure, no expectations."
Haha, yeah right, you wish you had no expectations.
"Lauren, that's easier said than done. This isn't a game."
"What do you think we've been doing already? The things we've done? There's no turning back anymore. Stop playing it safe."
"Safe is all I know."
How can you categorize what you've been doing as safe? This is not some plutonic Jenga you want to delude yourself with. Be for fucking real, Camila.
"Camz, you can play it safe your whole life, and I wouldn't judge you for it if that's how you want to live. But ask yourself, is it truly what you want? Does safe make you happy? Is it enough for you?"
After last night? Um...
"It used to be," Camila sighs. "...enough for me, I mean. But now, I don't know anymore. How can I go back to something safe knowing that I have experienced this intense rush that makes me feel alive? When I have experienced you?"
The thing is, Camila does feel safe with Lauren -- but only when it's physical or when it's just the two of them. It's weird, maybe, (and unfair to Lauren), that the only way she feels safe with her is when she's in her most physically vulnerable state, when she gives her permission to do what she wants to her, or when she allows herself to be someone she never thought she would be; that she trusts her enough to respect her and guide her through an experience she has never been in before.
But when it comes to imagining a stable relationship with Lauren, that's when Camila's vision of the future with her becomes blurry and scary. It's something she couldn't predict even through careful step-by-step planning. Because there are external factors involved.
The thing is, she rarely uses her logic nowadays, so...
"Then do it with me." Lauren slides her hand under Camila's and interlaces their fingers. "To truly experience life is to jump into the unknown without knowing if we'll survive the landing."
"That's silly... and scary."
"That time in between our jump and when we land -- the rush and excitement of free-falling -- is what living is all about, Camz. Whether we land safely or crash into our deaths, whether we fail or succeed, it doesn't matter -- it's our adventure on our way down is what we're gonna remember anyway. Life is exciting that way."
"I don't know, Lo... I once jumped off a cliff and into the sea and it's like bham, it really hurt my butt...."
Lauren giggles.
"It's not funny..." Camila pouts.
Lauren tries to keep her face neutral, but still imagines Camila crying at the beach with a red butt. Then, in a serious tone, she steers the conversation to the point she was making a while ago.
"All I ask is for you to stop fighting it. Make a decision later."
"I can't promise you anything yet, Lo." Camila says. "But I want to. Soon." I'll try to make things right. But she doesn't tell Lauren yet that she wants to talk to Shawn, she doesn't want to get her hopes up, because she herself isn't sure what will happen.
"We'll deal with that little problem in the future." She waves her hand casually, as if she's merely shooing away a mosquito.
"Why are you so flippant about everything? Why are you so willing to be in this mess? You deserve more." Camila looks at Lauren, staring at her like she wants to drown into those green eyes, but then she figures she might never resurface again. It's dangerous.
"Because I know what I want," Lauren shrugs, flipping her hair. "I want you. I'd rather be happy for a moment, even if it hurts the next day, than be safe forever and feel nothing at all. I'm tired of running away -- that's not living. And you need to stop trying to please people -- I mean, unless it's me you're pleasing," she adds with a smirk.
It's that freaking sexy smirk that started it all, Camila sighs inwardly. She's being stupid, she knows full well.
"Just one more night, Camz. No more thinking tonight."
Fuck yeah, listen to Lauren, that irritating voice inside her head says over and over. She thinks she might be losing her mind, because at this point, she's starting to want to listen to that sinister voice (Bish, who you calling sinister, I have the voice of a diva!) instead, to let go of her grip on the damn wheel, and just see where this road takes her.
Another night of losing themselves into their desires, not talking with words, but speaking in another language that only the two of them understand. It was the echoes of silence that made them learn more about each other, more than words could have ever told them.
What's one more night, anyway?
AN:
📌 Camila's hesitation in this chapter is not her running in circles. Though it may very well seem so. I don't blame you. Her in ch. 48, is her setting herself free when it comes to her feelings (or lack thereof) for Prawn, and her sexual attraction or needs or inclinations or whatever you wanna call it. That's just one aspect of her personality.
In this chapter, the main issues she's struggling with is the one that has been crippling her her entire life. So her wishy-washy behavior, this time, was not because of Scrawn, but because of her mother, the root of all evil.
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📌 Her fully giving herself to Lauren last chapter was her giving in to her lust (which has been fogging her brain for weeks or months or chapters).
Lust and sexual attraction really is something that's hard to fight, especially in Camila's situation (living with Lauren, dealing with her jealousy, trying to act like she doesn't care, but she really is attracted to her, in love even) and the final straw was the fact that Lauren has made herself scarce for a few weeks, flirting just enough to bait Camila, then withdrawing. She spends most of her time with Keana which has triggered Camila's jealous/possessive streak. Her taking charge, her initiating, her not backing out is a culmination of all the back and forth dance she has been doing, all the suppression she tried to do, so now she just wants to take what she really wanted, without feeling guilty about it. She simply snapped, releasing the Kraken (oh, Karla). I mean, there's a "camila tops" tag in this story, so this is really what I wanted to do since the beginning. If it seems abrupt, it's really not, but I apologize for not making it more obvious. I'm rushing to finish this, I know it's not an excuse, but I swear it's not a random switch of personality.
📌 The difference with Lauren's development is that it was gradual, the change of personality wasn't as jarring because I wrote Lauren with an obvious duality of character, where you see her being a bitch to Camila, but then you see her being a puppy to Normani (or even Dinah), or when she's being a puppy to Camila, you can still see that streak of coldness in her.
📌 With Camila, while also with a certain duality, for a while you've seen her as someone with rigid morals, her core arc is just her continuously battling her upbringing and her potential development, but she never steps out of it. Or even when she finally cheats on Shawn, thus, stepping out of her moral bounds, we still see her suffer internally as she struggles with accepting her actions and her wants. So, last chapter, seeing her that way may seem jarring, but, really, this was just her finally acknowledging who won in her internal battles. And the way she did it was like ripping the band-aid, like just fucking do it. Lauren was soft and gradual, Camila was like fuck it imma fuck you now and I will top and I won't regret it.
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📌📌 I'm sorry if I have prolonged this story more than it needed to be. That's probably my lack of skills as a writer, and also because writing a story that is published on a regular basis per chapter (without an ending or structured plot lines) is hard --- things tend to lose focus, feelings get faded. I have left TIAC pending for years (to heal myself), and that's on me. Now, it's harder for me to get ahold of my characters' previous state of emotions and mentality, because I myself have changed drastically. But please believe that I am doing my best to make them as real as how I envisioned these characters from years ago. If there's any difference that you sense, it's just my writing skills that have deteriorated, not the authenticity of my characters.
Don't worry, I have cut a whole chunk of my future chapters just so I could give you an ending. A proper resolution. I still don't know how many chapters are left, it depends on how I feel at a certain moment, but right now I don't think we'll go over 60. (maybe more if I pursue what I really wanted to do -- but that's just going to be an alternate ending).
📌📌📌 I have three directions I'm considering:
1. I could end TIAC in 3-5 chapters, with the bulk of my original plan chopped.
2. would end in at least 10 chapters.
3. I'll add an alternate ending which I don't think you'll like as it's not endgame. (But the one I actually prefer lol). If I choose this path, we'll have maybe 65 chapters.
So, we'll see how it goes. It really depends on your reactions as we go through the chapters. That's why I prefer seeing reactions from you (respectful, though, please don't make me suffer mentally again lol -- that time in my life, I don't wanna think about anymore, the mental stress some of y'all have given me was insane)
Anyway, as always, please vote/comment. I appreciate your questions and thoughts. Love you all!
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