Chapter 46
PARK SOOHYUN
I'd gotten better at navigating fellowship, even if the reality of it was a little jarring than I had initially thought. I tried to get as much rest when I was off work which had also been scarce, but every time I took some tasks off my pile, it still seemed to multiply the second I turned away. I got a nicer attending on my team, though, and that was a great bonus.
“Put in a Venflon,” I instructed the first year resident under my team attending surgeon's supervision before I could clear out another chart for the day. We'd just even started. I went to bed four hours ago after a surgery and doing post-ops. My body had grown accustomed to waking up just exactly in time for morning ward rounds that I didn't need an alarm to jolt me awake. I would get up to early messages from my boyfriend although we texted and called less lately. I couldn't wait to finish my shift and catch up on some sleep. Between all these things I was busying myself with, I was also anticipating when I was going to see my family next—Jungkook staying on top of that list. It didn't make sense that I was on call all the time. The CT surgery department had been short-staffed over the past few months; they certainly needed more hiring. It didn't help that the department chief had been complaining about the number of resignation letters being sent to and placed on his desk, at least two of them every month. It had been rough for us.
“I—I've never tried it yet, Doc.”
I failed to hide my frown, feeling it sit on my face as I stared her down. Being stationed at the ER wasn't ideal, and I desperately wanted to make it less unbearable for all of us. It would be great if the people in my team would make a conscious effort to keep up with things. “What do you mean you've never done it?”
The resident doctor's eyes casted downwards, almost embarrassed about her admission. “I've never had the chance to try it in med school. Or in my training so far… I know how to do it, just in theory.”
I had to remind myself I needed to be kind about the lack of experience, just let it slip this time—we’d all been there—but I'd been running around for sixteen hours now, and I still had a few more patients to see before I could wrap up my rounds this morning. I worked more than a twenty-four-hour shift by then, which was probably illegal but I couldn't complain because I, for one, was a new fellow avoiding trouble, and my job required me to care more about making sure the patients were doing fine than losing hours of personal comfort.
Maybe next week I could go home and spend a lot of time doing nothing there. I could be doing just paperwork, without being scrubbed. I could go out for dinner on my own and not worry for some time about seeing patients on the wards or teaching junior residents.
I pursed my lips and looked away, touching the back of my neck. I grabbed a pair of gloves from the tray. It wasn't the time to be an asshole senior. “Great. Get me a Venflon and I'll do it. I want you to try cannulating yourself before you turn up tomorrow morning for the ward round or never show your face to me again.”
“Practice on me, Doc?”
“It would be much more convenient if you tried it on me, wouldn't it?” I sighed. I could feel how largely intimidated she was so I masked my frustration. I didn't get annoyed at simple things like this, but I was being particularly nitpicky that time. Unfair, too. So I stopped talking and went on with the teaching rounds.
When we were done I pulled the first-year resident with me to the cafeteria, bought her a meal and apologized for how I acted earlier.
. . .
Are you busy right now?
No. Just having my coffee.
Can we FaceTime?
Sure.
Jungkook's face immediately filled the frame as soon as I accepted the call. I couldn't contain my smile at the sight of him that morning. He was wearing sunglasses, light catching on the dark frames. It was too bright in the background, and what seemed to be apartment buildings towered behind him so I figured he was outside.
I also noticed something new as I focused on his face. His hair was shorter than what I could remember seeing on him the last time. It gave him a boyish, youthful look. "Hey there, Cool Guy. Aww, you got a haircut." I sat there, a little enamored, feeling the emotion send a kick to my stomach. Jungkook looked great like this.
“I got it yesterday. Do I look good?”
I nodded along. “Infinitely good.”
He brushed his fingers through his hair twice, tousling it a bit. That was absolutely done on purpose. He couldn't fool me. Fuck. This man knew he was hot, pretending to be nonchalant about it. His soft fringes came falling back in his face, delicately brushing over his eyebrows. "I don't think I've mentioned Minhyung to you. My nephew." He panned the camera to someone standing next to him, an adorable, small face gracing my screen. The little boy suddenly looked shy. "Look, Min. Say hi to my girlfriend. Auntie Soohyun is so beautiful, isn't she?"
Minhyung, who looked three at best, turned away with a trace of a small bashful smile and backed away, hiding behind Jungkook as his little hands clutched the side of his uncle's black shirt. But he kept peeking at the screen when he thought I didn't notice. Jungkook giggled and caged Minhyung in between his arms, kissing his cheek and squeezing him tighter to display his playful aggression. Amusement washed over me while I watched Jungkook get overwhelmed by a toddler's cuteness..
I couldn't resist commenting, “He's so cute. He looks a bit like you. I mean, your eyes."
He set his gaze back on me, a slight panic shadowing his expression. "He's just my nephew."
I grinned, blowing on my hot coffee. "I know, silly."
Jungkook shook his head and smirked. “I was kidding… I'm visiting my sister so I brought him out to go for a walk. We're at the park. We're getting muffins later. Right, Min? We'll get as many as you want, yeah? What else are we getting again? Tell her."
"Bweer..." Minhyung responded in a small, muffled voice which I would've gushed over in person.
I squinted my eyes. "What did I just hear, Jungkook?"
Jungkook snorted, eyes crinkling at the corners. The sound of his laughter was so nice in my ears. "Beer? Alright. But I'm buying you something else. Age-appropriate."
I shouldn't find it funny, but even that was endearing to me. I must be really insane. "What are you teaching that poor kid?"
Jungkook was enjoying himself too much, breaking out into laughter. "Relax. He doesn't even know what that is."
"Do his parents know what kind of things Minhyung is learning from you?"
With an eyebrow raised, he flashed another playful smile. "Hey, I'm not a bad uncle. This is just hilarious."
"Your sister needs to reconsider having her son near you."
He feigned offense, brows coming together. “I’m the best uncle Minhyung has—Min! Come here. Don't pick that up. That's dirty. That's yucky, baby, it's gonna stick to your hands.” The camera went all hazy, and the next moment I was watching the sky from chaotic angles. It was like being held in his hand and being thrown in all directions. The phone directed at the kid again. I watched the whole interaction with full-on interest. Jungkook swiped something out of his nephew's hands, and it all appeared in a blur. After a couple minutes, the video steadied, Jungkook's face coming back on the screen. He held his phone from a low angle. The video was blinding which reminded me of the fact that it must have been two days since I saw daylight. I basically lived in the hospital. I shrugged it off, not liking the kickoff to the pity party. “Babe…” That caught my attention back.
“Hmm?”
“It's your birthday tomorrow."
I smiled a little. "You remember."
"Of course. I have it on my calendar."
Warmth crept up my face. “I'm not too excited about it.” It would be just another work day for me, like any of my past birthdays. I promised myself that I could have my life outside of this once I got the hang of everything, and I wasn't really one to mix personal life and work together, but it was all getting to me. I loved being a doctor—so proud of it—but I wasn't entirely my job. I was hoping there could be many days to prove that.
"Can I take you out on a date?" he asked, an arm circling around Minhyung's waist to keep the latter close to him.
My smile slowly dropped. The circumstances we were under were just cruel to our relationship, and I knew of all people, Jungkook would understand the situation we were in, but there were a lot of things in my life that I had no control over and I couldn't say that it was any less frustrating. "I'd love to, but I'm working," I said. Jungkook might hide his disappointment, but it wasn't one to be swept under the rug. We would obviously have plenty of conversations about our work schedules, about compromises, and I just wanted each one of them to fall right into place.
Jungkook nodded and gave me a smile again. "That's fine. I'll send you food instead."
"You're perfect, I won't say no to that."
. . .
Jimin
answer my calls
idiot
You're talking to a board-certified surgeon. Be nice to me.
what has that got to do with me? I don't really care about that.
I'm busy. Call me next time.
you’re just making that up. you even have time to update on your Insta.
Did that on my work break!
exactly! and you can't respond to my messages?? mom said you're introducing your boyfriend to them.
And?
what do you mean, and? when will I properly meet him? I want to join family lunch, too. you could've picked another day that I'm not busy.
Stop whining. I'm not free on other days. It's not my fault.
come on, I'm not going to embarrass you in front of jungkook.
you’ve probably done that enough yourself.
Find something productive to do today. 🖕
gotta fix that attitude hmmm
You'll meet him when you can. Plenty of time for that.
He's staying with me for a long time ❤️ don't worry
didn't need to say that but ok 🤮🤮
. . .
Before my official training to be an independent specialist, my fellowship exams knackered me just as much as the board certification in surgery. In my first week, I'd spent most of my time covering the cardiac ICU, monitoring patients embraced by tubes and machines to keep them alive. It had been hard to move through my days and learn how to face this kind of thing as part of the ordinary. I had several years to get used to it, but sometimes I could not shrug off the emotional overload whenever I got out of the cardiothoracic unit, knowing these patients weren't merely an academic exercise to improve in my expertise, but were actual humans that would hold a massive space for loss at the end of life. It came easier to detach when I was exhausted, but it still felt devastating to emotionally distance myself from the death of people who weren't connected to me, or just the impact of seeing them approach near-death. Although it was also difficult to offer a capacity of compassion in moments of stress, especially when callousness wasn't a rare case in the healthcare field—keep it overly professional and just get the work done—I didn't think I could ignore the punch to my stomach. Many years down the track, I was still figuring out how to cope with it.
I talked about it with Jungkook on the phone because I knew how familiar this was all to him, too. I did my best not to cry at work every time when I was overwhelmed with fatigue but I did cry in my car, sucked it up, and let go of my sadness thinking I would start another day and maybe it would be different.
The ICU nurses tried to let me get some rest or sneak a few hours' sleep which I was incredibly thankful for. They were too nice and reliable—they would start fluids and basic medications without having to be told. I made sure to give back the same kindness and send food whenever possible, and a couple times Jungkook included them in his meal delivery orders. I did my best not to mention his name around my co-workers although I knew some of them had an idea he was my boyfriend—Jungkook was a star resident in the orthopedics—and I had to keep it low when a staff once called for me with food saying Jeon Jungkook had it delivered for me. I was teased a whole lot about it mostly by younger residents and nurses. And even if I was aware a few were excited to hear me talk about him, I couldn't do that without missing him too much. Besides, they really didn't know why exactly he'd left Severance. There had been rumors that eventually died down.
I was knee-deep in a patient's medical notes before I went into the OR for my first aortic valve replacement, the attending surgeon as my assistant this time. It was necessary for me to practice being in the driver's seat inside the operating theater and have my boss guide me throughout the procedure. I'd done this many times during my residency. But my hands still shook with anticipation and agitation. Dr. Kim Haran stood at the opposite side, all gowned up like me as the anesthesia was performed. She instructed me to begin.
I started a sternotomy, making a precise incision in the patient's skin with a scalpel over the sternum. It went on seamlessly until I was doing pericardium next. I maneuvered the following steps calmly—I gave the heparin, cannulated, then cross-clamped, swapped sides with my boss when it was time to do an aortotomy to work out what should be done. I squared my shoulders despite feeling it heavy as if someone sat down on them to crush me. My back stiffened. I was praying that I didn't fuck it up, that I didn't cut something I shouldn't have. The back of my neck started to hurt, looking down at the messy work. I breathed in relief when she turned the task over again to me. Dr. Kim had been so helpful and nice until the valve was in. This heart surgery should go well or else I wouldn't know how to stay completely sane. I could feel my own heart beating erratically in my chest as I took the cross-clamp off to let blood back into the patient's heart.
Blinking hard, I paused in awe, holding back tears as I watched the heart spring to life. It would work. It needed to work. I wasn't prepared for any complications. We had an on-table death during the same surgical procedure before and I didn't take it well. Now that I was on the lead, I wouldn't know how to take the damage.
The heart quickly found its perfect rhythm, the way it was supposed to.
I kept staring at the powerful little thing, alive and pumping.
“You've done well, Dr. Park. It's always beautiful to see this, isn't it?” my boss said to me, her voice soft. She must see both the fear and relief in my eyes.
I nodded, snapping out of it to continue the operation despite getting increasingly blown away by the fact that I did my first cardiac surgery.
After ensuring that the heart was put back together and everything was fine, Dr. Kim watched me close the patient up. My bloodied hands moved swiftly. I kept my mind focused, sweating profusely in my surgical gown and behind my mask when I finished. The attending surgeon offered me a smile before she rushed out of the OR for another surgery. “Do the post-ops on this one, alright? Thank you, Soohyun. I'll meet you later.”
The accomplishment I was feeling outrivaled my discomfort. With numb legs from standing for long hours, I walked away as the surgical nurse helped me take off the gown. I removed my cap, gloves, disposing of them on my way out of the OT complex. I was almost dizzy with self-satisfaction. The feeling was a bit surreal and I couldn't wait to share it with my boyfriend, but at the moment, a pile of consultation charts was awaiting me.
. . .
The next day came a little too hectic to follow. By the time the night rolled around, I could already feel the long-hour shift wearing me out. I'd downed enough cups of coffee to keep me on track. My wrists hadn't been at their best these days which brought a huge hassle to my work. Walking around too much was also a torture for someone so sleep-deprived. I napped whenever I could, wherever I felt comfortable. I'd been counting the hours until I could finally clock out. It was a good thing that there were a few moments that I could cry alone in the bathroom whenever stress got to me.
The incessant buzzing of my phone got harder to ignore. I dropped my patient's chart and pulled out my device from the pocket of my white coat, seeing text notifications. I clicked one open and read the messages.
Jungkook ❤️
Happy birthday again.
I miss you.
I miss you, too.
I'm at the main lobby. Would you like to come down and see me? Totally fine if you can't.
I straightened up my back, my senses suddenly alert. I read the message over and over again before I typed my reply.
What do you mean you're here! For real?
Yep. :’)
I'll be there in five.
I might actually get myself in trouble for leaving my desk for a short while, but the thrill of seeing my source of comfort was palpable. I asked the surgical ward nurse to page me when it's time to prep so maybe I could spare my boyfriend five minutes at most. Or eight if we were lucky.
I nearly dashed down the stark white corridors and into the elevator, pushing through the staff to squeeze myself into the corner. As soon as it reached the first floor, I rushed to round the corners and walked down another long hallway.
Scanning the whole lobby and glancing at the people taking up the seats, it didn't take long for me to spot someone so familiar.
He really was there. I put my curled fists into my pockets as I walked up to Jungkook sitting on one of the many seats while he was glued to his phone. He was startled when I slipped out my hands to gently touch his cheek so he could look up at me. I smiled down at him, feeling the anticipation flare in me when I met his eyes. He was wearing his glasses, something he had put into habit since a few months ago when he was driving at night. His mouth easily stretched into a close-lipped smile. "Happy birthday.”
A sense of contentment settled in my chest, the sight of him alone enough to bump up the energy left I had for the rest of the night. I occupied the seat next to him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You've said that five times today. Thank you. I didn't expect you'd come here at all. I'm glad you did. This is really surprising."
He shrugged and smiled, his tiny dimple appearing. "I was just testing my luck. I know you're busy, but I wanted to see you."
"I can't be here much longer, though. I've got a surgery to scrub in for—” I glanced down and peeked at his phone lockscreen, “—in thirty,” I added.
"I'll take what I can get. Don't worry. Thought I could try if you could come out for a minute or two but wasn't really expecting anything. Brought you dinner. I would've had someone take this to you if you couldn't come see me here right now. I got Thai. Is this good?" Jungkook turned to his side and lifted a paper bag, handing it to me. I placed it in my lap, feeling its warmth through the soft material of my scrub pants.
"I really appreciate this, love. Are you going home straight after this? Did you just come from work?"
"Yup.” Jungkook clasped his hand over my knee. “Eat good.”
“Have you eaten?”
“I will when I get home. How long is the surgery going to take?"
"Should be three hours."
He winced, scrunching his nose. "You're gonna go home and rest after that?"
"When I get the chance. I'm staying another night here."
Jungkook offered me a sympathetic look as he reached for my hand to intertwine our fingers. "You work so hard. Get four hours of sleep at least if it's possible. I can drive back here to meet you for breakfast tomorrow. Let's eat soup. Does 5 AM sound good? I have lab teaching at 7. ”
I thought my heart broke a little over Jungkook trying to make plans that we both knew would be a a bit impossible to materialize. Granted, the circumstances. “I'd rather you get enough rest. We'll have more time together next time.”
“You know I don't really mind.” I touched his arm. He sighed in defeat. “I'll just see you on Friday, then. I'm a bit nervous about meeting your parents, to be honest. Especially your mother. But based on my experience, moms love me."
"She'll love you. Don't overthink it,” I reassured him.
"I hope so... Have you already told them about me?”
“I have. They can't wait to meet you. And it's not like they can do anything about it.” I let out a soft laugh. The realization dawned on me again—I was already 32. Not that it terrified me getting older. I spent the entirety of my twenties working hard to be and as a doctor. I tried not to be sad or scared about my age. Even the things I probably missed out on.
“Take care of yourself. It seems to me that you haven't been sleeping well."
"I try to. I'll sleep like a baby once I get my days off." The pager went off in my pocket. “I should go back. Drive safe, okay. Text me when you get home.” I leaned in to give him a quick peck on the lips. I stood up and waved him goodbye as I stepped away.
Jungkook waved back. I adored the tenderness in his smile, a little frustrated at the same time about how much of him I'd missed lately. “Alright. Love you, Doc.”
a/n:
it gets better, then it gets worse, and then gets better... 🤭