Chapter 45
JEON JUNGKOOK
I restlessly hung back in my car while going over my lecture notes for my next Basic Human Genetics class. I checked the time for what felt like the hundredth time; Soohyun should be done with the first part of the exam in a few minutes.
Reading some more, I tamped down the slight pang of regret bubbling up in my chest, assuming that I might have missed out on something that was supposedly my time though it happened beyond my control.
There could have been a bit of jealousy, too, which I let myself bathe in for a while, thinking I was at least entitled to it. Something to own, despite how uncomfortable it made me feel. I decided to keep it to myself as I couldn't talk about it with Soohyun yet. It was a little off center topic given the circumstances. I didn't want to be inconsiderate—to spoil the thing we were having with her own license. It would definitely be the worst timing so I was stalling the conversation. Maybe I could bring it up after this was over. I didn't want her to feel as bad as she already did. I was aware that delays weren't the end of the world, but I couldn’t get over it sooner than I would have wanted to. Soohyun already had enough on her plate and it wasn't going to help by making this thing about myself again.
I waited over the next ten minutes and looked out the car window.
From a distance, I saw Soohyun and Taehyung walking out the glass doors as the other examinees started to file out of the building, sunlight on their faces. The weight of their experience seemed to settle in the air, but a few handled it in disguise.
I waved my hand to catch their attention and Soohyun was the first to spot me. A smile easily weaved across her lips. She gently pulled Taehyung by his arm as they both approached the car.
I wouldn't have had the slightest idea that they just did what they’d been anxious about for weeks from the way they held themselves if I hadn’t been a witness throughout the preparation, but the moment I got a closer view, I saw it seep through the cracks. I focused on Soohyun. On the tension in her shoulders. The genuine fear in her eyes. "Hey," she said.
Taehyung looked tired as well as he immediately took the backseat, his shoulders slumped.
“Hi.” I gave them a smile, expecting a rundown of the examination.
Soohyun walked around to the passenger side and unlocked the door, sinking into the seat and stretching her legs out.
Taehyung leaned forward, reaching over to tap my arm. I looked over my shoulder to glance at him. “Thanks for waiting for us out here. Took a day off work?”
“Sent my students topics to study in advance instead… And congratulations. I know how hard you guys have worked for this.”
The two quickly took the bottles of water I offered without a word before I watched Soohyun down half of it, spacing out the next minute, staring straight ahead while I let her process everything. She didn't move. I just sat there, waiting for her to talk, sharing the silence as it took up space around us. "I’m sure I messed it up," was the first thing she said after a while, her voice weary, looking as if she'd shrunk herself smaller than normal.
“I also fucked it up but it's done so that's definitely something,” Taehyung tried to put her mood up, his tone conciliatory. I knew it was hard to learn how to be like him—to put the positive above everything else—but it was always nice to imagine.
“But it was just the first part…” Soohyun trailed off. “Whatever. I can take the exam again next time, right? I'll put off fellowship for a while.”
“Hey, the result's not even out yet," I said.
“I know. But it's good to have a plan B.”
I felt inadequate in comparison to even encourage her, forced to sit with the sinking feeling in my stomach. “I think you’ll pass. You’ve studied hard for it,” I said, keeping my eyes on her. She sighed quietly, the uncertainty still drawn across her face. I smiled a little, putting my hand on hers. “Where do you guys want to eat? Lunch is on me.”
. . .
I was in the middle of signing off on a form when I heard faint knocks on the door. At that time I was the only one in the Biomedical faculty office, but I didn’t assume that someone could be looking for me.
“Come in,” I said out loud before the door slowly unlocked, a familiar face meekly peeking in, almost scared to walk into the room. He looked so unsure of himself that I wondered if he realized he was in the wrong place.
Leaning back in my desk chair, I waited for him to say anything. I watched him do a timid bow and linger in the doorway until he’d gained the confidence to talk. But he still sounded so terrified when he spoke, each word tripping over the other. “Sir Jeon, I’m sorry, I know it’s not your office hours and I understand that—”
I softly cut off his rambling. “It’s fine. I’m not so busy. What’s your name first?”
Embarrassment crept up his cheeks. He cleared his throat. “Oh. Right. I’m Choi Soobin. I’m in your Molecular Cell Biology class.”
I nodded. “I’m a bit bad at remembering names, but I do recognize you. Can I help you with something?”
He walked closer to my desk and fidgeted with the folder in his hands. I could tell that it was a struggle for Choi Soobin to meet my eyes, which made me wonder if my expression appeared unkind. “I missed your class last night because of an emergency at home. I wasn’t able to turn in my lab report and I was wondering if you accept late submission? I promise that I am not lying about the reason for my absence, but I–I stayed up late for my work before the deadline. I expect point deductions–”
I pushed myself off the backrest and leaned over the table. “Okay. I haven’t begun grading so I’ll take it…” His face slowly lit up, and he looked like he was expecting a but in there. “I will give you full credit. But you will have to email me a letter for an excused absence within the day because Professor Joo requires a note. I’m sure you’ve read his syllabus. It needs to be received before class, but I’ll do something about that. Just never tell anyone that I let you submit late work, alright? I don’t want to give the others the idea that they can delay submission without penalty, or without valid reason.” Truthfully, if I had complete control over the class, I wouldn’t mind giving due windows. Attending classes were already taxing as they were to some. But Professor Joo often asked for the grades as soon as possible, so I couldn’t defer the marking period and offer much leniency to the students.
All of a sudden he looked so much in relief, his expression softening.
“Yes, Sir Jeon, I will–I won’t tell anyone. Thank you, thank–” He might've taken longer to express his gratitude if I didn’t stop him as he handed over his work. His hands were shaking too much. I placed his folder on top of the stack of lab reports. Looking at him, I could just imagine this was how much of a nerve wreck I was back in college. Somehow my student sparked memories of situations with professors I would not like to be put back in. “Thank you, Sir. Really. I’ve been anxious about this all day…”
“Well, I’m glad this is out of your worries now.”
The erratic flow of words just started pouring out again. “Totally unrelated, but you’re my favorite instructor this semester. I’m not even lying, Sir. I hope you take on an assistant teaching class again next semester.”
I raised my brows, taken aback by the compliment. “Oh. Thanks. I really appreciate that.”
“You never come to class unprepared. I always look forward to your comprehensive lectures.”
I hoped I didn’t look too flustered as I shifted in my seat, not knowing what to do with my hands. I could feel my cheeks warming. “You never want to see your patients unprepared, too. I hope I've made it clear that medical practice actually starts early here.” Choi Soobin’s mouth parted as if he wanted to say some more but didn’t know what, and he ended up smiling instead.
He added, a brief moment later, “I read your research, by the way. I couldn’t understand all the medical technicalities yet since I'm still in my pre-clinical, but it's a great insightful read, Sir. And I found out you graduated top of your class? I’m sorry I wasn’t trying to stalk you–I just randomly searched your name on Naver because I sort of… look up to you and I wanted to see your credentials. I hope that’s okay…” He made a bashful smile that almost mirrored my own embarrassment.
“Oh, wow… That's a lot of looking up.” I chuckled which pushed yet another string of apologies out of his mouth. I waved my hand. “No, it's okay. I was just surprised.” I struggled to keep the eye contact. I picked my pen up to give my hands something to do, playing with it between my fingers. “Make sure to come to our next class. Midterm examinations are just around the corner.”
“Yes, will surely do, Dr. Jeon. Uh, I have to go now,” he looked hesitant to go as he thought of something to say next, “thanks for your time.”
I pursed my lips and nodded my head, playing it cool as if the startle in my rib cage didn't feel great in a way that mattered. I might've been a bit ecstatic at the sound of the words still lingering in the room, shaped into a solid form leaning itself against the walls to be there with me. Soobin bowed, turned his back to me and walked out of the office.
The door clicked shut. My gaze was stuck on it for a while.
. . .
I hadn't hung out with my main friend group in a long time which was a bit of a heavy thought lodged in my chest. I was trying to lift it off with the company of other people. Maybe friendships are about permanence and gaps at the same time. This, being held and kept by others and unfamiliarity, might compensate for the absence of my favorite people. They'd convinced me to call them by their names outside of work.
We were away from the paperworks for a while. Away from the whirring and buzz. The lights and smoke and all the other tipsy voices surrounded us. A group of young office workers walked in, crowded up the table next to us and called a server over out loud. A middle-aged lady hurried past our table towards the customers.
I rolled up my sleeves and picked up the tong from Yunmi's side, putting more meat on the grill. I listened to the sizzling sounds. Watched the steam rising.
“My first day was pretty terrible.”
“Yeah, mine was, too. But I was also excited so that offset against it, I guess.”
“They ask you a series of questions on your rounds, right,” Hoseok laughed as he remembered, “The attending likes to embarrass junior residents. I was so lucky to be the target that day.”
Yunmi agreed. “It's supposed to encourage residents to study harder as we know now, but it still sucks. I would stammer through the entirety of it and wish I could melt in front of everyone.”
Hoseok covered his mouth as he burst out laughing again. “Exactly! It's way more humiliating when patients witness how stupid you look.”
A hum. “And then they tell you these jargons and acronyms as if you're supposed to already know them.”
I feigned a wince, chuckling as my own memories of it hovered over me. “On your first week.”
Hoseok snapped his fingers. “I'd be writing shit on my notes and learning them eventually.”
“The nurses and senior residents on our wards were too nice to us so I would ask them. But you have to do the research on your own most of the time because you don't want them to think you're not qualified to practice the basics.”
“God, I miss first year residency, although I would cry over it to my husband, who was my boyfriend at that time, almost every week,” Yunmi said.
“Your—oh, right. How has he been lately, anyway?” Hoseok asked her.
“Did you guys know you can make surgical sutures out of a cow's intestines? He told me that.”
“What?” I said, weirdly interested in the shift of topic as I turned over a few pieces of grilled meat.
Hoseok sloshed his drink around in the shot glass before raising it to his mouth and draining it with one hand. He grimaced while I reached for the soju bottle to refill his glass with both hands. He said, “Yunmi’s husband's a cost accountant. He knows all the boring shit.”
Yunmi frowned, looking offended in her husband's defense. “Nobody calls you out for collecting football trading cards.”
“It’s a cool hobby.” Hoseok grabbed my glass and poured drinks before I accepted it, drinking it in one go, body turned away. “I've had it since I was fourteen.”
I smiled. “Some habits never go away.”
He smiled at my comment. “It stuck a little too hard. Got difficult to let go.”
“For sure.” Setting my glass down, I said out of curiosity to Yunmi, “Can I ask you something personal?”
She cocked an eyebrow but eventually gave a nod. “Go right ahead.”
“Do you have kids? I'm sorry, I was just curious. You mentioned you've been married for a while.”
She shook her head. “But we're finally trying to have a baby next year. I'm still dealing with work commitments. Between the hospital duty and teaching work, you hardly get time to yourself. But yeah, we've talked about it. My husband is also finishing up his Master's degree.”
“And how's that working out? The whole marriage…”
A smile stretched across her face. A genuine thing. “I love it. There are many great moments. There are also days we never get to see each other.”
I nodded, picking a piece of cooked meat with my chopsticks. “How do you deal with that?”
“It's impossible not to get upset about it. But we try to understand and respect it—the lack of time together. So when we’re with each other, we make the most out of it and don't talk about work unless it’s necessary. We cook each other meals. We waste time talking about anything, stuff we've never heard about each other before. Just the ordinary things. I'm really thankful that he's my husband. This might also be too personal… Got a partner?”
I didn’t expect the topic to be thrown back at me, though I couldn’t help but smile, too. “We've just started dating five months ago.” God, it's really been a good five months.
The two looked mildly impressed. “How's that going?”
“She’s a doctor so she knows how crazy work gets. We’ve been colleagues in Severance.”
“Good for you, Jungkook,” Hoseok exclaimed, grinning hard as if it was the most interesting sentence I’d ever told them the entire night. “Same program?”
“Nope. She's just recently finished CT surgery residency. Took the board examination a few days ago.”
Hoseok groaned. “Ah… There's been a shortage of surgeons in this country but it's weird that I'm mostly friends with surgical doctors. Or a friend of a friend is one. Dad wanted me to quit medical residency a couple years ago to get into surgery instead. I knew it's not for me.”
I said, “I considered being a medical doctor once. There's a physician instructor I had who's a great influence to me. But here I am.”
“The specialty surgery board must be grueling. I’ve heard it gets harder every year. How was the exam this time?”
“My girlfriend talked about having messed it up, but I'm confident she'll pass.”
“You were supposed to take it this year, too, right?”
I nodded. “I have to finish residency first.”
“I don't know why you put your chief residency on hold when you're so close to completing it, but honestly, I would have also spontaneously done that back then. Residency's tough but the practice after that is just a lot more difficult. It made me sad when the residency was over. You realize then that there will be more time that you get to decide on your own. You're expected to know a lot after years of training.” Mine wasn't spontaneous at al, but I didn't say anything.
Yunmi suddenly laughed breathlessly. “We said something about not talking about work when we're hanging out. We're losers.”
Hoseok shrugged in his seat. “You know I'm not one to make my job my whole personality but it just comes out. At this point people I drink with just have to endure it.”
That got me laughing, knowing he was joking. “You’re fun to be with so I guess that makes up for it.”
“Well, there's not a life manual and I'm a bit manic about my interests so I don't try to hide it. You’ll never know who else is interested.”
“Being all over the place doesn't bother you?”
“Not really. I haven't thought about it, to be honest. But you get to pick up the slack with all the other nice things so I find that great.”
Yunmi grinned at him. “Hoseok's really witty. But his last girlfriend didn't get it so—”
Hoseok laughed. Heartier. Full. He paused and gave himself a moment to breathe. “It was working out until it didn't.” He slid the green onion salad towards my side as I wrapped a sliced pork belly with some lettuce and perilla leaves. "I got over it sooner than I thought I would.”
“That easy?”
“I’m telling you,” he looked as if he was going to give me advice, puffing out his chest, “it is that easy sometimes. I've been with other people and it happened that way each time, too. All of my past relationships hurt when they ended. Felt differently each time, though. Some of it were my fault, but it’s all over. I used to be frustrated about the things I fucked up in my relationships, but I'm being kinder to myself now. I guess this happens the same way with friendship breakups. I experienced one in highschool. Hurt like hell.”
I raised an eyebrow, wondering how simple it looked to say it’s over after what could have been a precious moment in your life. I kind of struggled with that. Letting go. Being kind to myself. “I'm in my first serious relationship so I wouldn't know.”
“That’s so cute, Jungkook,” Yunmi commented.
I let out a chuckle, a little shy. “I’m sure you’re not talking about me.”
Hoseok groaned. “What’s wrong about that? It's fine not to take yourself seriously. You can laugh at yourself. Be cute. Whatever. Makes life fun.”
Yunmi agreed with Hoseok, nodding her head and it looked a bit weird for them to agree on the same things because I was used to seeing them bickering with each other. Her gaze flitted between Hoseok and I as she talked. “I miss the time when my husband and I were starting out as a couple during my clerkship. I have an unrelenting perfectionism which I have toned down now, and it used to frustrate him that I always thought things were bound to go wrong eventually. That maybe I set myself up in a relationship that's doomed to fail because I was so preoccupied with my training and it overwhelmed me, and a boyfriend was definitely the least of my priorities. I seriously thought he was going to be one of those people who'll eventually go out of my life—like he was going to be just a… how do I describe it,” her words faltered. Yunmi's eyes signaled help with them.
Hoseok supplied, “As if he'll become just someone you knew vaguely in the past?”
“Exactly! I used to feel that way about him. At first I was skeptical about us staying longer together although I really like him, until he wasn't going anywhere and he's doing a lot of things I've never even asked from him and then I eventually thought, ah, this man's really serious about me.”
My mouth hung open a little, feeling the ease in my shoulders when I leaned back. “And you've been through a lot of things together.” I poured her another drink with both hands before accepting it from me. I filled my glass and drank mine, angling my body away.
“It came to a point where he feels constant. Just don't think too much about what could go wrong and you'll be fine.”
“You’ll know someone is cool when they're giving tips.” Hoseok said, rosy-cheeked from the alcohol flush.
“In case you guys could use it!”
I gave a little laugh.
Being with people who were clearly more experienced than I was in many aspects in life was a bit enlightening, making me realize that I might have stayed too long in my comfort zone. I didn't have much to say about things outside my turf. I listened a lot and laughed with them, especially about the most stupid things. I made space for those memories, putting them somewhere important.
. . .
Soohyun was accepted into congenital cardiac surgery fellowship which got her back on practice a couple days after she received the news that she’d passed the surgical board examination and earned membership in The Korean Society for Thoracic & Cardiovascular Surgery. We were all so stoked about it. Taehyung made it, too, and as much as I wanted to celebrate it with them, we couldn’t find a chance to squeeze it in between all the exhausting work shifts. Things seemed to happen so quickly from then. All of it had been, and I kind of expected a drastic change in my life, too. I wasn't sure exactly what should change, if I should figure it out at all. In the end, I chose to make the most out of anything that would help me through the day.
Soohyun and I also hadn’t talked much, but I made sure to take some time out of the day to send her a text. I would send her food at work sometimes. Her reactions to it were always funny. I looked forward to them the most. Over the next few weeks, I had learned to establish some sort of a new routine although it revolved mostly around work. I did my best looking after myself and had learned to love my walk to the campus. I usually took a photo of it and sent it to Soohyun since she liked getting bits of my life, especially on days when we weren't physically together.
There was a strange contentment attached to it all, which I didn't bother to probe. Leave it as it was. I just wanted to like where I was and see if I could belong. I was thinking it was a progress. I wanted it to be.
I looked at the new message on my phone. (Soohyun: thanks for the food, babe! text you later. Love you.)
. . .
The park was too bright. It was also quiet, the noise of the city a mere distant echo.
We'd planned to meet at Seokchon Lake on a Wednesday morning. Soohyun had been meaning to visit the spot with me but we couldn't find a chance to do so. We even missed the Cherry Blossom Festival last month. I finally took the opportunity however short it would be, though it was a downer we wouldn't be able to explore the place as much as we liked.
I looked over my shoulder with phone in one hand and found Soohyun directing her gaze at me and waving her hand, walking towards where I sat. I had an afternoon class scheduled for the day but I thought I could see Soohyun briefly and have lunch together so I drove half an hour to Seoul. "How long have you been waiting for me?" she started.
“Not too long. How was work?” I asked before Soohyun threw her arms around my neck and let herself relax inside my hug. I pressed my forehead against her shoulder. We stayed like that for a while. “Why the sad face?”
“I’m supposed to be free Saturday but my consultant suddenly needs me on the ward. I barely sleep these days,” she said.
“I can pick you up tonight and have you stay the night in my place, then I'll drive you to work early tomorrow if you want,” I suggested.
Soohyun shrugged as she held me tighter. “I can't leave the hospital tonight.”
I knew how much she must be feeling bad over how harder it got with navigating things between us in the middle of messy spirals of our career. All of this had started way back before we dated, so maybe we could try to make it better. I patted her back until she pulled away but I took her hand into mine, tracing my thumb across her knuckles. “What do you want to do while we're here?”
“I'll just hear you talk.”
I smiled. “You've heard about my days. I told you pretty much everything on the phone.”
“But it's totally different from this.”
I moved to sit on a concrete bench with our fingers still linked together. Soohyun was pulled closer until she was standing on the space between my knees. I had to look up at her face and felt the thing that knocks you over. It wasn’t the terrifying kind. Far from that.
The spring sun looked criminally good on her. It made me want to take a photo of her like this. “You really have beautiful eyes. How is that even possible?”
She was pleased, her eyes sparkling. “What kind of question is that?”
“I'm just curious.”
She scrunched her nose. “Can't swoon me.”
I lifted a brow, feeling the smile on my mouth. “Okay?”
“I'm immune to that. I've rolled my eyes enough at your tooth-rotting pick-up lines. Where do you even find them?”
“Kids these days are so good at that. This guy has to learn.”
The chuckle she let out sounded hazy, light and soft. “It's so obvious they're from the internet, Jungkook.”
“I've got to start somewhere. I'm trying.”
“You can't make me crack up in the middle of my rounds,” she said.
“They’re funny to you? I don't text you when I know you're working.”
“I check messages sometimes during work hours. Doctors contact me anytime.”
“Not my fault.” I was teasing her, and she knew that by the way she cradled my face in her hands, her thumb softly sliding over the hinge of my jaw.
“You’re giving a class lecture this time again? I thought you were supposed to take this day off and have Doctor Joo handle his class today? The professors rely on you a bit too much. They almost never even show up.”
“I mean, I basically do all the work. But it's my job. Not complaining.”
She frowned, the look of it a mismatch in the softness of her features. “But—”
“This isn't much different from clinical work. I'd still be doing it this way if I was in the hospital. It's going well.” I hooked my fingers into the belt loops on the back of her jeans and gently pulled her in a bit too close. Soohyun looked slightly fazed by the gesture. Then she was trying not to smile. “Don't worry, alright? If anything, I'm more worried about you… I'm taking care of myself.”
I could tell she wasn't that convinced, but Soohyun nodded as she raked her hands through my hair, brushing it up and off my face. I leaned into the touch. “That sounds good…” She placed her hands on my shoulders. “I love everything you wear as a college professor. I mean, you look good in anything—you basically pull off any outfit you put on. But like this, you look—you’re hotter.”
I laughed. “Have you seriously never seen me dress like this before?”
“I mean, it's amazing how you can look hot differently every time.”
Another laugh escaped out of my mouth. “Sure, babe.”
I got up, not letting go of her hand as we began strolling on the walking path lined by trees and surrounded by cherry blossoms, carrying on the conversation. We walked up a brick path and stopped for a moment to stare at the lake, watching the light scatter in the water. On our way to a cafe, we passed by a group of men playing baduk. Soohyun quickly got herself her favorite drink and we had to take the stairs down to the waterfront when she pointed out the ducks.
When she was walking a few paces ahead of me, I quickly snuck out my phone and clicked a candid picture of her. I pocketed it back and matched her pace. We walked so close together, holding hands.
Soohyun turned to me, expression flickering, something kind, when she asked, “I’m having lunch with my parents next week. Do you want to go with me?”
a/n:
to me, this pic is so TAT jungkook…
thank you for reading. this fic has been going on for years which i think is too much for a long-term fanfic project but honestly once i finish this (probably/finally this year), i'm 100% sure i'm going to miss writing the story and the characters a lot. TAT is my no. 1 favorite baby, though this has been the hardest to write, too, so far. thank you for sticking with me on this crazy, long ride! we're on the third act of the story.
i hope you have a great year ahead.
keep speaking up about the genocide. please don't let yourself be desensitized to the war crimes and mass murder of our Palestinian people. looking away from these atrocities dehumanizes them and makes us complicit.
praying for the safety of everyone.