I am leaving the JYP office building. Incredulous about what just happened, I stand in the parking lot and don't know where to go. I have just been dismissed. I don't have a job anymore.
During the conversation, it turned out that the rumors about Chan and me had still not subsided and were making the rounds more and more on social media. Of course, the manager didn't like that at all. I am still a thorn in his side and he has drawn the consequences from it. Although Chan said he had talked to him, the manager still seemed to have resentment against my pure presence.
Now I'm standing here, don't know what to do and would love to cry. Sunday will be my official last day as a stylist at JYP. 6 days left before I'm unemployed. How am I supposed to teach the boys that? And especially Chan?
Before I make a decision on how to proceed, I drive home and hide in my bed. My phone vibrates several times, but I don't respond to a message. The guys probably ask me how the conversation went and what the manager wanted. How am I supposed to explain to them that I will soon no longer work with them? I just can't get it over my heart.
After falling asleep for a few hours, I am now sitting on my sofa and thinking about a plan for the future. I could look for a new job here. Stylists are certainly being sought somewhere in Seoul. The only question is whether I have a chance somewhere after I flew out of JYP. How far do the company's contacts extend? Would I even receive promises somewhere?
With an uneasy feeling in my stomach, I realize that I have only one option for the time being. Back to Miami, work there again and maybe come back sometime. But what if it takes longer and I'm forgotten here? I quickly shake off this thought. They would never forget me. Or is it?
However, the most difficult thing was still ahead of me. I had to tell the others. But not today. Maybe not tomorrow either.
Two days go by when I pretend that everything is okay. It takes two days for me to find the courage to tell them. I reach for my cell phone and ask if I could come over to them. I immediately get an answer and I'm on my way.
"Everything okay with you? You hardly responded to news?" Hyunjin opens the door for me with a worried face.
"Ehm yes. Are the others there too?"
"Sare. They are in the living room."
"Great. I have something to discuss with you."
"Sarah, is everything really okay?" He clearly notices that something is wrong.
Together we go to the living room and I am already expected. Chan immediately jumps up from the sofa and comes up to me when he sees me.
"What's going on?"
"Can we sit down?" I can't look at him. I can't stand his worried look.
"So...the thing is the...", I just can't find the right words and the fact that everyone is looking at me doesn't help much either. "I was fired."
My hands tremble like crazy and I look into eight horrified faces.
"What?" say Chan and Felix at the same time.
"From Sunday I will no longer be your stylist."
"I will clarify this immediately!" Chan just wants to get up when I'm holding him back.
"That doesn't make sense. The manager was very sure of his decision. Believe me."
"And what does that mean now? So for the future?" Han's hopeful look brings tears to my eyes.
"But that's good then. Then we can finally do things again." I know that Jeongin wants to cheer me up with it, but it causes the opposite.
Tears run down my cheek, because they don't yet know how I decided.
"I will move back to Miami."
Silence. Nobody makes even a noise and everyone stares at me in shock.
"You're not serious!" Chan is beside himself.
"Not forever. But first. Maybe I'll come back and then..."
"Nothing there!" Chan shakes his head and continues to protest against my decision. "That's stupid. You can work here!"
"My decision Chan. Believe me, it wasn't easy for me either!"
"That means you won't be in Seoul in four days?" Changbin is also not enthusiastic.
"My apartment has already been terminated. No turning back."
Chan jumps up from the sofa and goes up the stairs to his room. I flinch when his door slams shut loudly.
"I'm so sorry..." I whisper in tears.
"You can't do anything for that." Hyunjin sits down next to me and takes me in his arms.
"Do you promise that you won't forget me?"
"Promise!" everyone says at the same time and joins Hyunjin's embrace.
"Give Chan a little time. He will get himself back in." Changbin takes me to the door and hugs me to say goodbye.
"He has every right to be angry with me."
"Hyunjin is right, it's not your fault. When are you flying?"
"Monday morning."
"We'll take you all to the airport."
"Are you sure about that? Doesn't that attract attention?"
"I think we all don't care. We want to say goodbye properly!"
"Thank you Binnie..." Once again, I press it tight and make my way home.
It's Sunday. My last day in Seoul. The boys really want to eat with me and have a last movie night. Everyone is sitting in the living room, only Chan is missing.
We have written to each other the last few days and have also seen each other a few times, but now he is missing.
"He's in his room. Just like the last few days." Felix points up the stairs and looks at me worried.
"I'll talk to him."
Excited, I go up the stairs and knock on his door.
"Yes?"
"Hey, we're all waiting for you." I close the door behind me and see Chan lying on the bed staring at the ceiling.
"I can't do that Sarah..."
"What do you think?"
"Sit down there, with the others and you and pretend that everything is normal. As if you weren't leaving us tomorrow. Leaving me..."
"It's not forever Chan."
"How do you want to know?" he sits up and looks at me without emotion. "Maybe you'll be really happy in Miami and forget about us!"
"That's unfair and you know that!" Why is he making it so difficult for me to say goodbye? I don't want to go either!
Chan gets up and comes up to me. He stops just a few centimeters in front of me.
"Don't fly," he begs.
"It's not that easy..."
"Yes, that's it. Just don't take the flight tomorrow and stay here. With me..." He strokes a strand of hair behind my ear. His hand rests on my cheek.
"Chan, I will fly back to Miami tomorrow. And you can decide whether you want to be there for the farewell tomorrow morning or not." I'm sad. And injured.
"I can't change your mind, can I?" Slowly he lowers his hand and I see in his eyes how something breaks between us.
"Chan..."
"Then fly. But I promise you, you will forget us." He goes back to his bed and lies down again without looking at me.
His attitude makes me so angry that I can no longer stand it with him in a room.
"I will go now. Thank you for everything."
I turn around and leave his room without another word. He doesn't follow me, he doesn't stop me. And that's exactly what breaks my heart.
Down in the living room, everyone looks up when I come back alone. With tears in my eyes, I tell them that I have to go and we'll see each other at the airport tomorrow. Without waiting for a reaction or answer from them, I take my bag and leave their apartment.
At home, I make the big mistake and scroll through my photo gallery. All the memories, all the beautiful moments and days I spent with the boys. I probably won't have that for quite a while. I throw my cell phone aside and cry myself to sleep.