Silverstone Grand Prix
Lando hadn't stopped moving all night. If he wasn't dancing, he was circling the club and talking to everyone that had come out to celebrate his second place finish at his home race, or DJing. His excitement had been infectious enough to replace the disappointment from the seventh place finish for you and the ninth place for Charles.
"Mamour, dance with me," Charles begged as he appeared behind you, a drink in one hand and the other on the small of your back. His palm rubbed soothing circles and you leant back into the touch with a groan. "Does your back still hurt?"
The porpoising of the car had been horrific and even Kristian's hands hadn't been able to ease the ache after the race, but you didn't want Charles to worry as you turned to face him. "Yeah, it's sore from carrying my team."
His laugh warmed your ear before his cold lips kissed the space beneath. "That's my girl."
"Yes I am, now where is our boy?" You scanned the crowd looking for Lando but instead found his parents dancing together and sharing whispers. "I was always jealous of you guys."
"For what?"
"That. Having parents that loved each other. I thought I was missing out on something," you said with a nod to Adam and Cisca before clearing your throat at the unexpected wistfulness that arose. "I'm just going to get some fresh air. Why don't you find Lando and I'll meet you there?"
You didn't wait for an answer as you escaped the busy room to the balcony on the upper level. Clouds of flavoured smoke greeted you from the people who had gone to vape where they were allowed and you squeezed through until you found a small pocket of space in the back corner.
"You look like you could use this more than me."
You looked at the joint the stranger offered, more than likely some friend of a friend of Lando's, and you raised your hand to wave away the smoke that drifted your way. "No, thank you."
"Go on, it'll help you relax."
"I don't need to relax, alright, so just fuck off would you?"
"Woah, lovie, calm down," he laughed before taking a long drag and blowing the bitter sweet smoke in your face.
"Don't tell me to calm down," you bit out, barely feeling the burn of the spliff in your palm as you snatched it from him. "And I'm not your fucking 'lovie'-"
"Baby. Babe! What's going on?" Lando slid between you, forcing the stranger back as he took your hand and swore. "What the hell did you do, Jakob?"
"Nothing, bro, you're girl looked like she was stressing," Jakob said with an innocent shrug. "I was just trying to help."
"H-help?!" you stammered as your hands turned to fists with the growing anger burning hotter than your hand. "I would lose my seat you fucking imbecile. Your idiot friend was trying to get me to smoke weed."
"Why are you getting angry at me?" Lando asked as he stepped back. "I was coming to see if you were alright. Just calm down for a second, love."
You had seen Romain Grosjean's car explode when he crashed in Bahrain, heard the audible pop that rippled through the air before the wall of flames erupted. You imagined that something similar was happening inside you. "Don't tell me to calm down," you hissed quietly as you felt the stares of everyone on the balcony. "This is fucking calm."
Lando's eyes were wide as he reeled back, his jaw dropping at the tone you took. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"I guess I am my father's daughter." You felt your lips tugging though there was nothing to smile about and it was as if you were a passenger in your own body. You couldn't control the words as they tumbled out of your mouth with a harsh laugh.
You looked at the joint in your hand, an angry blister appearing where it had burnt you, and saw the tip was still aglow. Rolling it in your fingers you started to lift it to your lips as you wondered what it would taste like, if it would relax your racing mind and tired body.
"We're leaving," Lando growled as he grabbed your wrist and started to drag you back inside, the joint falling to the floor.
"What happened?" Charles asked the moment he saw the hard look on Lando's face and tight grip on your limp arm.
"I don't know, ask Spitfire. Miss Verstappen here is starting fights and taking drugs now apparently."
"Don't call her that."
"Maybe Daddy Dearest and I can share a cell one day, work on that father/daughter bond we never had," you laughed darkly. "Oh wait, no we can't because he only got home detention and gets to spend all day with Kelly and Blue playing happy families."
"Non, non, your lawyer said Jos would get three years minimum," Charles said as he looked between you and Lando with disbelief. "His stunt could have killed you."
"I know. I was there, funnily enough." You shifted on your feet wishing you hadn't worn heels and you debated kicking them off. "At least Blue doesn't have to grow up without a dad - at least she will think he gives a shit about her."
Lando's fingers eased their grip from your wrist and slipped down to hold your hand. "Why didn't you tell us?"
"Because it doesn't matter. It would only upset you and it doesn't bother me - I have a restraining order against him."
"But it is obviously bothering you, baby," he said as he shared a look with Charles. "We've both noticed you've been acting a little crazy for a while."
"Well I only found out after we got here so thanks for that. Look, I'm just going to head back to the hotel and find mum." You pulled away from them as the laser lights caught the shimmer of tears running down your cheeks. "I don't want to ruin your night any more than I already have."
"Wait, no," Lando argued as he took a step after you, tripping over the heels you had slipped off before disappearing into the crowd and missing his quiet words, "you haven't ruined anything."
--
Your feet ached from the run to the hotel and your boobs weren't feeling much better. The clubbing dress wasn't exactly one that a supportive bra could fit under so you felt each slap of your feet on the pavement reverberate up your body and bounce them uncomfortably. A few people stared as you rushed by but most people out at the late hour had their own problems to deal with rather than worrying about the person running like a madwoman down the street.
"Am I crazy?"
Your mother looked a little perplexed as she opened the door to her suite wider to let you in, her eyes narrowing at your bare feet as you walked past panting. "Is this a serious question or rhetorical?"
"I'm being serious, mum."
"Well," she said as she pointed to the couch and turned off the TV that was playing the evening news, "I think you are safe if you're asking that. Most crazy people wouldn't ask if they are crazy."
You fell into the couch heavily and rubbed your temples furiously. "There's something wrong with me though."
You felt the seat beside you sink in as she sat down before she pulled your hands away. "Why do you say that, honey?"
"I don't know, I just feel off. Unbalanced. I keep fucking things up with Lando and Charles and I know one day they will get sick of it and leave me. And I wouldn't blame them."
"Those boys love you, and what you three have is special but relationships are hard, sweetheart. They take time and energy to maintain. You have to work to keep them going strong, work on both the relationship and yourself." She paused as she looked at your hands in hers, your nails almost non-existent from the biting habit that had resurfaced in recent months. "What's really on your mind? I haven't seen you this stressed since your first karting race."
"Fuck," you swore under your breath as you pulled your knees up to your chest and wiped your eyes. "I don't know what I'm doing, mum. Last year I had Max on my team and I knew he had my back, now I feel like I have a target on mine."
"I thought Lawernce was pleased with your work."
"Points equal money so Lawrence is happy, but Lance is struggling more than me at getting them lately. The upgrades just aren't doing enough and the further I get ahead in the standings the tenser things are with him, but I need to push harder. I have no hope of beating Max or Checo without the RB19, so, so, so maybe I'm just not that good a driver like everyone said."
"Oh, honey," she cooed softly as she wrapped an arm around your shoulders and tucked you into her side. "You are a great driver, no matter the car."
"I want to believe that but I'm second guessing myself over every decision I've made and it makes me so angry that I'm snapping at everyone around me, especially Charles and Lando. I know I'm the problem, mum, I just don't know how to fix me, or if I even can be...What if there's just too much Verstappen in here?" Your fist slammed against your chest and as if to prove your point the sound was as hollow as you felt.
Sitting up straight, your mother gave you the look that made you shift uncomfortably before her lips parted. "You listen to me, and you listen well: you are not broken, and there is nothing to 'fix'. Max, Victoria and Blue all share the same blood as you and they are not broken either. You are more than who your father is and there is nothing wrong with being a Verstappen."
"Then why didn't you call me that? If it's not that bad, why isn't it on my birth certificate?"
Your mother sighed deeply and she suddenly looked tired - as if her age was catching up with her at the late hour. "Honey, I was your age when I found out I was pregnant. I was young and heartbroken and alone."
You couldn't blame her, you could hardly imagine trying to raise a kid alone, especially one that was a reminder of what was probably the worst betrayal she had faced. It had probably put her off ever wanting another relationship again. "How come you never dated anyone after Jos?"
"I dated other men, honey. I didn't become a nun," she teased with a nudge of her shoulder. "You just never met any of them."
You tried not to think about the nun statement too much but you couldn't help asking, "Why?"
She shrugged nonchalantly. "Because you are the most precious gift I ever received and I wasn't going to bring just anyone into our home. The only man I wanted to bring home was one prepared to be a father to you, we were a package deal."
Your brows pinched together as you understood yet another sacrifice she had made for you growing up. "I'm sorry."
"I'm not. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. You'll understand it when you're a mother one day - when you're older, much older, and retired from racing." She patted your knee twice at the knock on the door and stood up to open it. "Evening gentlemen, come to collect our Champ?"
You looked to the door and found Lando leaning against the frame with your heels hanging from his fingertips. Charles stood beside him with a hand on his waist.
"Actually, we were wondering if we could have a family meeting."