The next days were embarrassingly awkward. After what happened at that evening, you avoided both of them, only interacted with Fyodor when you made check ups on his wounds. But you two never exchanged a single word. You ate at seperated times and either were outside or in your room.
You couldn't stand looking at them, especially Nikolai. You felt a sting in your heart every time you had even a glimpse at him. You felt betrayed. Did he know about your feelings? Or did he just not care enough for your feelings. He couldn't be that oblivious, right?
On top of that incident there was also the weird feeling you had since you stitched Fyodor's arm back onto his shoulder. It wasn't only physical but also effected you mentally. You felt tired the whole time like you could pass out every moment and yet you couldn't sleep properly. You often layed hour in your bed, wide awake, exhausted, just wishing to sleep, but your mind didn't let you.
You also became more pessimistic and only saw the bad in the things. Normally you wouldn't care if something didn't work at first try, but lastly it extremely frustrated you, sometimes even bringing you to the verge of crying. You gave up on things unusually soon and were over all barely motivated.
These depressional outbursts weren't something unfamiliar to you. You often had these phases, especially in your youth. But you thought they became better just a month ago. You hadn't been feeling like that for longer and longer and finally began to live a somewhat fulfilled life.
Now however, everything came up again. Things that happened in your childhood, things you always wanted to ban from your mind but came back over and over again. For example:
The woman you grew up with calling 'mother' wasn't your actual mother. She was your step mother, the woman your father married after the death of your biological mother. You hadn't many memories about her, but one was in your head, so clear like it happened just moments ago.
The memory of you standing in the doorway to your parents bedroom. It had been night and there was only a weak, dim light from downstairs. Even though the room was dark, you could see exactly what was inside. You could see your mother, her body limp and lifeless, hanging from the ceiling with a rope around her neck. You didn't remember if you cried or not, but what you could remember were all the sleepless nights afterwards, the scene burned in in your mind.
Your father wasn't much of a help at that time either. He was a cold, stoic man, never looking like he cared. The only thing he did with a passion was working. He worked almost all day after your mother died, sometimes was away a whole week. And one day, after he had been missing for three days, he came back with a woman, who he claimed would be your new mother.
He left you for three days without a warning or explanation, came back married to a woman you never met in your life and expected you to just accept that. Needless to say that you were furious. The fact that you weren't invited to the wedding was the least thing that made you angry. Even though you didn't like the new 'mother figure' in your life at first, you had to spend more time with her.
She wasn't exactly a bad person. She was actually a pretty nice woman. She often talked to you, played games with you if you wanted and even taught you some things. But it never felt like it came from heart and more like she was being polite. She couldn't replace a mother. At this time in your life you felt the most helpless and the most lifeless.
But then came Nikolai. He invaded your life like a sunshine through the heavy dark clouds on a stormy day. He was the light at the end of the tunnel of your pain and sorrow. You never had a person like him in your life before and things started to get better. At first you were friends, often going on walks in the forest or hanging out at the playground. Soon both of you started to catch feelings for each other and became a couple.
This part of your life was the happiest. Every day you would wake up, feeling like the world was only there for you two. The sun would only shine if both of you were outside, the birds would only chirp if you could hear them and the food was only tasty when you two ate it. Every night you would fall asleep, feeling like you just had the best drug trip of your life. It felt too good to be real and yet it was.
Then everything crashed together, when your father send you to germany, the home country of your biological mother, to study. You had to leave everything behind and move to a new, unfamiliar country. You had to leave Nikolai. This was the part where your relationship fell apart and your mind got plagued by sorrow and darkness again.
Over the time you slowly began to feel better again. You lived your life, finally free from the grasp of your parents, especially your father who was very controlling and could live your life after your idea of it. You even went to therapy and talked to a therapist regualrly until you were stable enough.
And then, suddenly, Nikolai stood in front of your door with Fyodor in his arms.
Right now you sat in the kitchen, at the window. It was late evening and Nikolai and Fyodor already went to bed. You on the other hand were awake, looking into the dark outside, drowning in your dark thoughts. Breathing felt harder than ever and every movement seemed to hurt. You cold, alone and helpless like someone who got burried by an avalanche.
With a slightly trembling hand you reached for your phone and searched through your contacts. Eventually you found the number of your old therapist and called him. You waited for a while, the sound of the phone feeling creepy in the dark environment, until you hung up sighing. Of course he wouldn't be available at this time.
You put your phone away and went over to a shelf taking two things out. Two things you haven't neede for a long time yet still always had in store. A lighter and a pack of cigarettes. You sat down at the window again and opened it. Cold air hit your face but you couldn't care less about that now. You took out a cigarette, lit it up and took a drag, slowly blowing the smoke over your tongue out into the cold winter air.
You were about to take another drag as you suddenly felt a hand grab yours, holding the cigarette away from your mouth. You flinched together and turned your head around to see the sad face of Nikolai. You stared at him as he sat down beside you, carefully taking the cigarette out of your hand.
"Stop that, it's not good for anyone", he whispered, putting the cigarette out on the sink. You felt your heart sting at his low, gentle voice, you fingers begin to shiver.
"What do you want, Nikolai?", you muttered, looking down onto your lap. He sighed.
"I wanted to apologize. For everything."
You looked up at him surprised. The man in front of you wasn't the Nikolai that you knew. This was another side of him that you barely ever saw. The last time years ago. His sad, regretful expression, no hint of his usual boisterous and jokingly demeanor.
"Everything, huh?" Your voice was surprisingly calm as you looked out the window again.
"Yes", he spoke quietly. "I know how you feel about me and that you still haven't moved on. I can't blame or judge you, because... to be honest, I haven't either."
You turned your head to l him, now looking directly into his eyes.
"(Y/N), I still love you. I missed you so much. But the thing is, Fyodor...", he stopped. He looked away again, having a troubled expression on his face.
"I can't really describe it in words but he makes me feel something similar to what i felt with you, yet still it is something completly diffrent. I love you, but... he... he is... he is my liberty."
He looked up at you and you could swear you saw tears in his eyes.
"Do you understand?"
You stayed quiet for a while, looking down again.
"Fyodor is a strange man of great intellect. I think everyone can sense the presence he has. Something that couldn't be described as human. It is something far more, like he could make your every wish come true. Yet he still feels dangerous, like a threat, always looming over humanity, ready to destroy it at any moment given. I think I know what you mean."
Nikolai's worried expression faded into a hopeful one, leaning closer to you. You also leaned in closer until your lips were only inches apart.
"Then you feel it too?", he whispered. "The feeling of being imprisoned, like a bird captured in a golden cage, having everything he needs to survive, but never had the feeling of freedom?"
You nodded. Nikolai's pupils where wide extended and so were yours. Both of you were mesmerized by each other, lost in the moment, drowning in the eyes of your counterpart. Your breath hitched as Nikolai's and your lips met, sharing a tender kiss. At this moment time stood still as two lost lovers found each other again.
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