As I sat there in Riley's car, with my head in my hands, all of the feelings I had- and still have- about the situation with my boss, Julian, came flooding back to me.
I was not the victim in the situation, and I knew that. I did something terrible- and it is something I have not- and likely will not forgive myself for. Anytime I think about it, the guilt and shame immediately washes over me.
I never thought that I would be her. The woman that is the "other woman". But I got so caught up in what I was doing, and I couldn't stop myself.
Though every single day since, I wished that I had stopped myself.
Even while it was all going on, I felt immense guilt. I could hardly eat, hardly sleep. And I definitely was having trouble paying attention at work.
So why didn't you stop?
I ask myself that every single day.
The driver's side door opened to the car, and I looked up to see Riley getting in.
She was holding a very fancy to- go bag that almost looked like a shopping bag from a high-end store.
Riley shut the door to the car, and said to me, "Do you want to talk about it now, or wait until we get to my place?"
"Can we wait until we get back to your apartment?" I asked, my voice still shaky, "I just want to leave."
"Of course." Riley nodded, and she started the car.
On the ride back to her apartment, Riley played upbeat music, and she kept giving my thigh and knee little squeezes.
"I'm sorry." I said as we got closer to her apartment, "You planned this night for us, and I just completely fucked it up."
"Jenny, listen to me. You didn't fuck anything up." Riley said, "We can go out to dinner whenever we want. I care more about how you're feeling."
I really don't deserve this girl. At all.
When Riley and I got back to her apartment, I got out of the car and she walked around to my side to be next to me. She faced me and held onto my hand.
Looking at me, she said, "It's going to be okay. I promise."
I gave her a small smile and nodded, and she squeezed my hand and said, "Let's go inside."
"Is anyone else here?" I asked her.
"No. Brooklyn is at work and is then staying at her best friend's house. And my mom is at the hospital. So it's just us."
Right when we walked into Riley's apartment, she immediately led me to her bedroom. When she closed the door behind us, she said, "Let's sit down on my bed and we can talk. If you want to."
I sat down on Riley's bed, and she sat down facing me. Once again, she took my hand- and looked at me.
"So...was that your old boss?" she asked me.
I nodded and said, "Yes. His name is Julian."
"I figured." Riley said, "I didn't think there would be anyone else that would make you that upset to see. And the woman...was that his wife?"
"No." I said, "It wasn't his wife."
"I guess he gets around." Riley said.
"He always has, yes. And I was stupid enough to fall for it." I said, "I know how bad it was, what I did. It was the worst thing I've ever done in my life."
"How did it happen exactly?" Riley asked me.
"Julian immediately seemed to take an interest in me- and he was the kind of boss that was friends with the people that worked for him. He would come to happy hours and other events out of work. In the back of my mind I knew it was a bit unprofessional. But I was just glad to have the job, and a boss that was friendly to me." I started, "I thought he was good looking. And I definitely developed a bit of a crush on him- and it started when I had to stay late at work one day, and we were the only two in the office. He came over to my desk and started talking to me, and we started talking about our personal lives. I felt comfortable talking to him. We then got on the topic of our love lives- and I told him I was not dating anyone. That's when he told me that he and his wife were on the brink of divorce. Which I learned later on, was not true."
"Did you do anything with him that night?" Riley asked me.
"He kissed me in the parking lot when we walked out together." I said, "And from there, things just took off. I went to his house a few times when his wife wasn't home, and slept with him. I'm not even going to lie, it almost felt thrilling at the beginning- even though I knew that it was so fucking wrong of me. The guilt was there, immensely, but at the same time I couldn't stop. And it wasn't even like I thought I was going to be with him after him and his wife divorced. Of course I thought about it- but I knew that he was a playboy at the same time. I often ask myself why I did it- and I don't even have an answer, really. I was just acting stupid and selfishly."
"He was the one that told you he was getting a divorce." Riley said, "He lied to you and took advantage of you."
"Riley...this was just as much my fault. I was 23, I knew better. Yes, he lied to me. But I still slept with someone who was married, willingly."
Riley nodded and asked, "What happened from there?"
"Everyone found out. Drunkenly, Julian told one of my co-workers that he slept with me. And that co-worker, Evan, ran with it and told someone else at the office. It wasn't long before everyone knew. I just remember the day when I realized everyone knew- all of my co-workers were just staring at me- and I ran into the bathroom, in a complete panic. I had one co-worker, Stacie, who was kind enough to tell me gently that everyone knew what was going on. She was the only one that wasn't staring at me out of pure hatred. Even Julian was being very cold to me. He called me into his office, and told me that what we had going on was ending- almost like I was the one who was completely pining after him. I quit my job the next day. I knew I was likely going to be fired if I didn't."
"He sounds absolutely fucking awful." Riley said, "Did his wife ever try to contact you or anything?"
"No, thankfully. I don't even know if she knows. Obviously, it looks like they aren't even together." I said, "I just remember exactly how I felt the day that it came out that everyone knew what I had done. I had never felt so humiliated in my life- which I deserved. I honestly thought that my life was over and I would never move on from it. I thought that I would always feel terrible about myself, and not care about myself or my well-being. I thought I would never find another job. And I never, ever thought I would find someone who wanted to be with me after what I had done. I still sometimes can't believe you want to be with me after learning that. Especially after learning you had been cheated on yourself."
"Obviously I am not excusing what you did." Riley said to me, "But you cannot punish yourself for your whole life. That doesn't help anyone. You do deserve to be happy, whether you think it or not."
"I just don't want you thinking I would cheat on you. I know that I didn't cheat on someone, I was the other person in the situation. I just...I want you to know that I would never do something like that to you. I can say that I have -honest to god- learned my lesson."
"I know." Riley said, "And I really don't think you would do that to me. Truly."
"Thank you for listening to me." I said to Riley, "You let me ramble on and on."
"I want to listen to what you have to say, Jenny. The good and the bad. I really care about you."
I gave Riley a smile and said, "I really care about you. And once again, I'm sorry about dinner. That feeling that I had of complete humiliation when everyone at my work knew about what I had going on with my boss- that's immediately what I felt when I saw him, and it sent me into a panic."
Riley's thumb stroked my hand as she said, "I understand that. Goddamnit, why did I have to choose that restaurant?"
Riley's comment made me chuckle, and she said, "I'm glad to see you smiling now. That was the goal."
"Thank you." I said to her, "I appreciate you listening- and trying to make me smile."
Riley was silent for a moment and she then said, "I don't want you thinking I've been some perfect angel myself."
"Have you...cheated?" I asked.
"No, I haven't. But in my last relationship, I was very mentally checked out. And not there for my ex- girlfriend as I should have been. I became distant...and just not the best person to be in a relationship with. And I didn't realize how much that probably hurt her and made her feel alone. Just know that I'm not going to do that to you, Jenny. I told myself I would never do that to someone again."
"I'm glad we connected when we did." I said, "I know that we both aren't perfect. But we've learned things from our past that we won't carry into our relationship."
"Exactly." Riley said, and she then gave me a kiss on the cheek, "I couldn't have said it better."
"I feel bad, are you hungry?" I asked Riley, "We can eat the food that they packaged for us to go."
"I am very hungry, actually." Riley said, "We can go into my kitchen if you want and eat."
"You should've told me you were hungry, I wouldn't have gone on as much as I did."
"Hey, I'm glad you told me everything. Don't worry- I wasn't just thinking that I was hungry the whole time." Riley said.
We got up from her bed and she asked me, "Do you want comfy clothes? That is, if you were thinking of spending the night maybe..."
"I'd love to." I said, "And comfy clothes sounds perfect."
Riley gave me a t-shirt and shorts to wear again, and she changed into the same thing.
When we got into the kitchen I said to her, "I like wearing your clothes. Somehow they feel more comfy than mine."
Riley chuckled and said, "You can keep the shirt if you'd like."
"Really? I feel bad taking your clothes." I said back.
"Please, I have so many soccer t-shirts from my college." Riley said, "Plus, I want you to have it. Even if it was my only one."
Riley then heated up my food for me, and set hers out on the kitchen counter, and we both dug in.
"Delicious." she said, "I'm sure it's even better as leftovers too."
She gave me a wink after she said that, and I laughed.
I then said to her, "I was an idiot, for telling myself that I only wanted to date guys."
"I agree." she said jokingly, "But what makes you say that?"
"Then I would've never been able to date you." I said, "And you've been making me very happy."
Riley gave me a warm smile and said, "You've honestly been such a light in my life. Especially with everything that I've been dealing with in terms of my moms illness...you've made me look forward to each day again, honestly."
I felt my heart skip a beat after she said that. I got up and walked over to her, on the other side of the counter and she turned to me.
I looped my arms around her neck and looked up at her.
"Life did kind of feel dull for me as well." I said to her, "You've completely changed that."
"Glad to have done so, gorgeous."
How is she the perfect mix of being serious yet playful at the same time?
And that's when the thought in my head occured-
I can really see myself falling for her.