Xyianne
Three years later.
Clock ticking as time passes by so quickly. The faster the world moves the more I feel nauseous of the fact that it had been three years since the last time I feel complete.
I flipped the pen on my fingers simultaneously, hoping that it would somehow help me to ease the overwhelming uncertainty inside my head. I massaged my temple and released a deep sigh while tapping the heels of my foot on the carpeted floor inside this huge conference room.
My ass felt burned on this swivel chair as I sat here for almost 5 hours now watching everyone exchange conversations as I also remained silent observing and listening tentatively so I just swayed myself back and forth into this familiar chair like a child eager to escape in a boring class discussion.
I rolled my eyes. This has been my routine since I graduated from A-Horizon University and took over our company right away as my Dad has retired.
Good news about my graduation, I've been lucky to be the summa cum laude in our batch, other than that, nanalo pa ako ng house and lot sa pustahan namin which Bridgette bought for me and it's already coming to life. The construction and finishing touches will be finished this week and I couldn't help but to grin at my best friend's face the moment they announced the good news to me, though, she was the magna cum laude so it's still a good news for the both of us. I just can't help thinking about that time, how her face showed defeat. It's very funny.
The bad news is...she wasn't there for me. She wasn't there to witness my achievement. She wasn't there to celebrate my victory and even on special occasions like Birthdays, Christmas and New Years she wasn't there and it punched a hole inside my heart bigger than I expected. It's very sad.
My life now only revolves in corporate meetings, signing and reviewing paperwork, monitoring shares, stocks, assets, expenses, and other financial entities while also handling people. I don't know if that's what you called life at all. I'm so exhausted and I have no one to share this exhaustion with.
"...Our team believes that being part of your corporation will help us grow more effectively since we are still a start up business and we hope that what we have presented earlier would be a great consideration to the pursuit of becoming one of your assets in this company. Thank you for carefully listening to us." Said the man in his suit who was standing at the front beside the projector. He was the presenter but he wasn't that confident while presenting. He keeps on fixing his tie while talking to us yet he can't even looked at me straight in the eyes. Obviously, he doesn't want to be roasted by questions by me, the owner of XYZ Corporation and I'm not planning to because their purpose doesn't fit to our values and additionally, he fucked up in deliverance. I don't like it.
"What do you think? Their products are nice, it can be a big hit if we continue this." Julia said, one of the investors who was with us in this meeting.
"I don't think so, it wasn't that beneficial." Lewis intervened. Yes, he was also here as he is also one of the investors and shareholders of my company.
"What do you mean not beneficial? They've discussed the main purpose of their products." Ben fought back which caused murmurs around the conference room with some of the people included in the meeting.
I rolled my eyes again before deciding to speak. Masakit na ang ulo ko.
"Okay, everyone!" I said in a much higher voice to stop them from murmuring like buzzing bees.
"I am fully aware about the purpose of their products but it's still common. Remember, we are here to gather propitious products that will help not only the patients but also the staff in various medical institutions to have easy access to the things that we will be establishing. Let's say, having that wheelchair that can only run if you press the button every damn time, it's too laborious. We need an upgrade, more technical, much automated, not this not-user-friendly product. In conclusion, there's nothing more to discuss, this meeting has ended."
I said with finality to stop them from bickering on this specific topic over again. Kanina pa sila paulit ulit at naririndi na ako.
We've been working on this specific venture for a while and Lewis was the sole in charge of handling this engagement for medical institutions in which they were captured by our proposal in technological aspects and we've been dealing with a lot of requests.
I stood up from my chair and gather my things as I walked out of the conference room.
Kylie greeted me immediately outside the door and got the things in my hands as soon as I left the people inside.
"How's the meeting, Ma'am? You looked so stressed." She observed while walking beside me on our way to where my office is located.
Kada may madadaanan ako ay bumabati ang mga empleyado ngunit wala ako sa mood para bumati pabalik. I'm freaking tired.
I heaved a sigh, "Nothing new, I just spent another hours of my life listening to their useless debates and presentations." Finally, nakarating rin kami sa tapat ng office ko. Nauna pa si Kylie na hawakan ang door knob at mukhang balisa pa.
Kunot noo ko siyang tinitigan. I'm not in the mood to play games right now. "What's your problem?"
Ngumiwi ito dahil sa tono ko. "Ah, ano kasi, Ma'am...Baka gusto niyo muna magkape sa cafeteria. Let's have some para lumamig lamig ang ulo mo. Hehe." Saad nito at hinarang pa ang kabuuan ng katawan niya sa tapat ng pintuan.
"Ayoko bumaba. Kuha mo na lang ako." Utos ko dito at hahawiin na ang katawan niya para ako na ang magbukas ng pintuan pero hindi siya umalis.
"Kylie," may pagbabanta kong tono at sinamaan siya ng tingin, tipong gusto ko na siya sabunutan kapag hindi pa siya umalis sa harapan ko.
"Ah..eh..baka gusto niyo ng...ice cream! Oo, ice cream. Ayun na lang ba ikuha ko sainyo?" Saad niyang muli at mukha talaga siyang balisa na ewan.
"Kahit ano, basta umalis ka lang dyan. Masakit na ulo ko, Kylie. Huwag mo na dagdagan." Pagsusungit ko dito at halatang nabahala naman siya sa usal ko.
"O-okay—"
*Boom*
Sabay na nandilat ang mga mata namin nang may narinig kaming pagputok sa loob ng office ko.
"What's happening there?! Have you forgotten to unplug my laptop?" I asked her with widen eyes. Sinabihan ko kasi siyang nakacharge yung personal laptop ko sa office at pakitanggal na lang after 2 hours dahil nga may meeting ako.
"No, Ma'am! Natanggal ko!" Maagap niyang sagot pero hindi pa rin siya umaalis sa harapan ko.
"Move," I said in my authoritative and cold voice.
"M-Ma'am—"
"Babe!" Parehas kaming napalingon sa boses na umalingawngaw sa likuran ko.
Si Lewis, he's walking a little fast tila ba hinahabol niya ako kanina pa but I ignored him nang onti onti na siyang nakalapit sa gawi ko. Hinawi ko na lang agad paalis sa harapan ko si Kylie na kanina pa nakaharang sa pintuan ng office ko.
I want to confirm what's inside my office kaya naman...
"SURPRISE!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!"
Lumipad ang maraming confetti sa mukha ko. Maraming lobo ang nagkalat sa buong sulok ng office ko, meron sa lapag, sa pader at sa kisame at ito rin ata ang pumutok kanina. May mga nakasabit ding mga banderitas at sa isang sulok naroon ang banner na may nakasulat na Happy Birthday habang may lamesa dito na puno ng pagkain.
Sabay sabay silang bumati sa akin with full of enthusiasm at ako ay nakatulala lang at hindi alam kung ano ang mararamdaman o dapat i-react.
"Ay, walang reaksyon?!"
"Sabi sainyo huwag na natin isurprise yan eh. Mahirap iyan sorpresahin."
"Feeling ko magkakabeke ako dahil sa pagiihip ng mga lobo na ito tapos hindi pala masusurprise yung celebrant."
"Sino ba kasi nakaisip nito?"
"Ayan si Borja, nanggugulo kasi sa GC noong nakaraang linggo pa!"
"Teka lang guys! Nagloloading pa kasi iyan kaya wala pang reaksyon!"
I roamed my eyes around the people inside here who made all of this mess. Their eyes are hopeful of my reaction. I also glance at the two people behind me. Kylie and Lewis who just smiled at me.
Ramdam ko naman ang mahinang pagtapik ni Lewis sa likuran ko indicating me to enter my office so I took a step inside as I started to breath heavily at the thought of their effort to celebrate my birthday although they already knew that I'm not the type of person who's fond of celebrating one because it's also my mother's death anniversary but seeing them with their expressive faces, I appreciate it deep inside me.
"Bakit kayo nagkalat sa office ko?" Seryoso kong saad pero deep inisde ay niloloko ko lang sila.
They all gasps at sabay sabay nilang tinuro si Bridgette na siyang salarin ng lahat.
"Hoy! Mga traydor kayo! Pumayag kayo dito ha at hindi ako nagsuggest na magkalat kayo noh, ayang anak mo nagsuggest lahat ng gagawin!"
Tinulak nito ang anak ko papunta sakin at muntikan pa ngang masalubsob dahil sa biglaang pagkatulak niya, mabuti na lang at nasalo agad ni Lewis.
"Bridge!" Suway ko dito pero nagpeace sign lang ang loka loka. Inikutan ko tuloy siya ng mata.
"Hoy, Ninang! You're so bad! It's not my idea, it was Pops!" Turo naman ng anak ko kay Lewis kung saan siya nakakapit nang mahigpit.
Napalipat naman ang atensyon ko ngayon kay Lewis na inikutan ko na rin ng mata. Nagtuturuan na naman sila.
Binuhat ni Lewis ang bata at pinisat pa ang ilong nito na kinahagikgik ng bata at tumingin sa akin habang kamot kamot ang ulo. Tinaasan ko ito ng kilay. He cleared his throat and then looked at the people in front of us, specifically, to my father who was hiding behind all of my friends' bodies.
My daughter leaned closer, whispering in my ear since she can already reach me as she's with Lewis who was standing next to me. "Mom, it was DaddyLo," she said and giggles started to spread inside the room because my friends also knew who was the real mastermind.
I mentally face palm as I shook my head. Kung sino sino na ang may sala. Baka ako talaga ang nagsuggest ano? Hays!
"Dad,"
"Huh?" Maang niyang sagot nang bigyang daan siya ng mga kaibigan ko.
"What's this?"
"A birthday surprise that you don't want?" Hindi niya siguradong sagot habang kumakamot sa ulo niyang puro puti na ang kulay ng buhok.Nagsimulang magtawanan ang mga tao sa loob ng office ko kaya nahawa na rin ako dahil sa kalokohan nila.
"Yiiiieeeeh! Nagustuhan ni Beshy!" Impit na sigaw nito at dali daling tumakbo para ikulong ako sa mahigpit na yakap at batiin ulit ako. "Happy Birthday Beshy ko! Love na love kita!"
"Thanks, B. Pero alis na, please. Nasasakal ako." Pasasalamat ko habang pilit na tinatanggal ang mga braso niya na nakakapit sa akin.
"Hmpf! Minsan lang eh," nguso nito sabay alis na sa harap ko para bigyang chansa ang iba pa na batiin ako.
"Happy Birthday, Xyianne." Sabrina said while giving me a gentle tap on my shoulder and so I said my thanks.
"Happy Birthday, Boss!" Brandon playfully salute which I returned with a shaking head and thank him also.
"Happy Birthday..." Nervana plastered a smile at me and gave me a short hug, "...to the both of you." She added in a whisper before breaking the hug that made me freeze for a moment. It's her birthday also and we still haven't celebrated our birthdays together. This is also one of the reasons why I don't want to celebrate mine. Bukod sa death anniversary ni Mom ay birthday din niya na kailan ko lang rin nalaman after our semestral break back when I was a 4th year college.
It still hurts that I still have no idea of what happened to her, even asking her own cousin about it, especially itong si Nervana, hindi daw sa kanya pinapaalam kung ano na ang nangyari. One month lang naging consistent ang pag-uusap namin once she got there then after that wala na, maski social medias niya deactivate na rin. Kaya halos mabaliw ako. I'm so clueless and sometimes I wonder if she's still into me or if her feelings for me still remains or have she met someone much better than me kaya siya umabot ng three years and I hate that ideas as I slowly hating myself. Hindi ko alam paano siya haharapin kung sakaling bumalik siya. Kung may babalikan pa ba...
I startled when someone grasped my shoulders. Napakurap kurap pa akong bumalik sa katinuan. It's dad, smiling genuinely at me.
"Happy Birthday, my daughter. Sorry for the sudden surprise. I just want you to enjoy your day. Pinacancel ko na rin ang mga upcoming meetings mo to make sure you really celebrate it." He looked behind me where Kylie was standing and smiled. Kinonchaba pa talaga ang secretary ko.
Wala na akong magagawa. Nandito na eh.
"Happy Birthday Mommyyy!" Biglang sumunggab ng yakap ang anak ko, isinama pa niya si Dad sa pagkakayakap at nasama na rin tuloy si Lewis dahil doon siya nakakapit kaya naman napayakap na silang tatlo sa akin.
Halos magtawanan sila sa kalokohan ng batang ito at nagsimula na rin magsilapit ang mga kaibigan ko kasama si Kylie para yakapin ako na agad ko namang ikinareklamo. Dahil alam naman nila na ayaw kong magdididikit sila sakin na parang linta.
"Okay na!!" Reklamo ko sa kanila habang binabalikwas ko ang katawan ko sa mga yakap nila. "Help! Stop! Alis na kayo!" Nagtawanang muli ang mga ito at nagsimula nang magkalasan sa pagyakap.
"Yes! Kainan na!" Sigaw ni Bridge, patay gutom talaga.
"Yehey! Pops, put me down. I'm going to eat!" Utos nito kay Lewis.
"Okay, little monkey." Saad nito sa bata sabay binitawan ng dahan dahan. Sumabay ang bata kay Bridgette dahil doon nagkakasundo ang dalawa. Sa paglamon.
"Ma'am, happy birthday!" Bati ni Kylie sa likuran ko na kinagulat ko na naman kaya napahawak ako sa dibdib ko bago siya lingunin.
She make a peace sign, "Sorry na, Ma'am. Napag utusan lang ng dati kong Boss." Paumanhin niya. Tinutukoy niya si Dad, ang dati niyang boss.
I rolled my eyes at her but then I smiled shortly. "It's fine. Thank you, Kylie."
Gumuhit ang ngiti sa mga labi ng dalaga at excited na nagtungo na sa lamesa para kumuha ng pagkain. Mukha din pagkain iyan eh. Kaya kapag dinadala ko dito ang anak ko ayan ang bonding nila, kumain.
"Hindi ka pa kakain?" Tanong ni Lewis.
"I'll follow," Tipid kong sagot at dumiretso na muna sa lamesa ko para ligpitin ang mga papeles dahil baka madumihan at magkandawalaan sa dami ng kalat nila.
"Nga pala, Beshy. We booked a trip on a beach. Nervana was in charge of that. Maski hotel accomodation okay na. Right, Nervs?" Bridge said getting my attention.
Kumunot ang noo ko at pinakatitigan ang dalawa. "Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. We'll go there next week since it's Friday today so you can still prepare." Nervana smile innocently na parang wala lang na pinagplanuhan nila lahat nang hindi ako kinokonsulta.
"What?" Pagtatanong ko para malinawan.
"We're going to have three days and two nights vacation!" Masayang usal ni Brandon na may pagtaas pa ng kamao sa hangin.
Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "I haven't approved your leave yet." Saad ko habang pinagkrus ang mga braso.
Agad na natameme siya sa sinabi ko na tinawanan naman nila. Yes, he's now working with me. He was destined to handle our production department and so far he's good.
"Boss, grabe naman iyan. Parang hindi mo ako naging kaibigan ah."
"Hindi naman talaga,"
"Owshiii! Kung ako yan iiyak ako." Pang aasar ni Bridge sa kanya.
"Okay lang yan, pre. Magkakabeke ka kasi kaya bawal ka sumama." Dagdag pang aasar ni Lewis sa kanya kaya napahawak si Brandon sa pisngi niya.
Agad na nagsitawanan ang mga kasama namin sa loob. Seryoso bang siya lang umihip ng mga lobo dito?! Jusko, lagpas bente ito!
"Fine. Since need mo ng fresh air dahil puro na ata helium ang katawan mo. Sumama ka na." Pagdedesisyon ko na kinatuwa niya.
"Yes!! Bait talaga ng boss ko!"
"What about me, Mom? Can I join? Please? Please?" Biglang sumingit ang isang duwende sa usapan namin.
I looked at her with softness. I really want her to join us but with these adults around her. Paniguradong puro kabulastugan lang ang matutuklasan niya atsaka may practice siya for her school recital.
"Aww, little tiger. I'm sorry pero Mommy needs to go with them without you, you have practice pa diba? Don't worry saglit lang yun!" I tried convincing my child.
"But—"
I looked at my Dad for some help and also to Lewis.
"Hey our kiddo, you know you can't go with Mommy kasi may meeting siya sa work kaya sila aalis. Diba mga Ninang, Ninong?" Pinanlakihan ni Lewis ng mga mata ang mga kaibigan ko.
"Ah, oo. May meeting kami." Panggagatong ni Brandon.
"May meeting?!" Wala sa sariling tanong ni Bridgette kaya wala sa oras din siyang nakurot ni Nervana. "Aww! Bakit ka nangungur—" Hindi na siya pinatapos ni Nervana nang biglang niyang takpan ang bibig ng kaibigan kong siraulo.
"Yes, we're going to have a meeting and kids are not allowed there." Nervana said while plastering a plastic smile on my kid.
I mentally chuckled, papanget nila gumanap.
"But you said pupunta kayong beach. May meeting ba sa beach?" Hindi kombinsidong sagot ng bata sa amin.
"Yun naman pala eh! bakit nga naman kasi may meeting sa beach—Aray! Kanina ka pa ha!" Isang malakas na hampas lang naman kasi sa binti ang natamo na naman ng buang kong kaibigan dahil sa walang kwenta niyang tulong sa usapan.
"Don't talk, Bridgette." Mariing suway sa kanya ni Nervana.
"Aba, tama naman kasi si—"
"Beh, shut up ka muna." Sabat ni Sab sabay lagay ng puto sa bunganga niya.
Narinig ko ang hagikgik ni Kylie sa tabi ni Lewis dahil sa mga nakikitang kalokohan ng mga ito. Napailing iling naman si Dad sa tabi niya. Walang nagbago sa kaguluhan nila.
"Apo, halika." Tawag ni Dad sa bata na nakadikit kay Lewis, agad naman itong sumunod.
"Pupunta na lang tayong park every after school. How's that? Kasi diba, it's your mom's birthday so let's give her a chance to enjoy it, hm? Kasi lagi siyang pagod sa work. You want her to be happy, right?" Panggagaslight ng tatay ko sa bata.
Sana all happy.
Tumango naman ang bata. "Good, so are you okay na?" Tumango ulit ito na kinahinga ng mga tao sa loob.
She's a persistent child talaga. Hirap niyang lokohin dahil masyadong matalino.
Lumuhod ako sa harapan niya, "Thank you, ba—"
"Mom!" Putol niya sa sasabihin ko kaya bahagya akong natawa.
"Okay, sorry." I said while surrendering my hands up. "Promise we'll spent time together before I go okay? Magbabonding tayong dalawa." Tumango naman ito nang may malaking ngiti sa mga labi niya.
"Ay kayo lang?" Reklamo ni Bridgette.
"How about me naman?" Nervana added.
"True, akala ko pa naman I'm your favorite Ninang." - Sabrina
"Duh, it's me Sabrina!"
"Luh, akala ko ba ayaw mo sa mga bata?"
"Syempre except sa anak ni Beshy pero pag anak mo ayaw ko!"
"Ay gag—"
"Sshhh!" Suway ko sa mga bibig nila.
"Okay, stop na. Let's party na!" Kylie intervenes to all of us kaya napatingin kami sa kanya lahat dahil may hawak pa siyang party hats. "Uhm, kasi...kanina pa kayo nagtatalo eh hindi pa naman mamaya yung alis niyo, diba? Next week pa. Sayang naman may hinanda pa naman akong games. Mauubos na oras natin may date pa kami." Kinikilig nitong usal kaya nag ingay kami para asarin siya.
Nabalot ng tawanan at hiyawan ang buong office. Kahit na napakakalat na ng loob ay hindi ko na lang muna ininda. At kahit na puno ng kasiyahan ang silid kasama nila ay hindi ko pa rin maiwasang alalahanin ang isang taong palaging laman ng isip ko.
How come you forget that I still exist dying to wait for you?
"Bagay?!" Sigaw ni Bridgette sa katapat niya kaya napabalik na naman ako sa katinuan at napabuntong hininga na lang.
"Yes nga Ninang!" The kid said frustratedly.
"Ah, ano ba...nahahawakan?"
"Malamang!" Pikon na sagot ng bata, mukhang kanina pa sila nagtatanungan.
"Hey, bawal yung ibang word, oo, hindi o pwede lang." Saway ni Kylie sa bata.
"Eh kasi si Ninang B, kanina pa paulit ulit!" Nagtawanan lang ang mga kasama ko habang ako ay napailing iling lang. Maiksi rin talaga ang pasensya nitong batang ito.
"Teka lang ha? Ang hirap kaya?!" Bridge rolled her eyes at the child.
"Just continue to guess, Ninang!" And the child rolled her eyes back at her Ninang.
Jusko itong dalawang ito!
"Ito na! so nahahawakan...Masarap ba hawakan ito?" Nagbago ang tono niya na animo'y may ibang nasa utak.
"Hoy, gago may bata, Borja!" Saway ni Brandon.
"Yung bibig mo, Brandon!"
"Pwede ba, Bridgette ang pangalan ko wala na tayo sa school, Borja ka ng Borja!"
"10 seconds!" Sigaw ni Kylie.
"Ninang come on!"
"Masarap hawakan?" Pag uulit niya na may nakakalokong ngiti, napaface palm na lang kaming lahat dahil sa sinabi niya.
"No, no, no!" Inosente at nagmamadaling sagot ng bata.
"5 seconds!"
"5...4...3..."
"Ninang!"
"...2"
"Edi, Rose!" Mayabang niyang sagot na nagpatili sa batang kakampi niya at napatalon talon pa silang dalawa sa tuwa habang ang mga kalaban nila ay napatulala na lang. Mukhang hindi makapaniwala sa nangyari.
"Niloloko ko lang kayo, kanina ko pa alam yung sagot eh! HAHAHAHAHA mga uto uto!"
Rose...I heaved a sigh.
"Mom! We won!" She happily jumped onto me and gave me a huge hug.
"Congratulations, little pumpkin." Hinalikan ko ang tuktok ng ulo nito bago pa man siya makawala sa pagkakayakap sa akin para makapaglaro ulit sa mga kasama niyang matatanda.
Pumpkin... I heaved a sigh.
"Hey, you okay?" Tanong ni Lewis which I reciprocated with a small smile as he tapped me on my shoulder for comfort.
"Okay, stop-dance naman pero may twist kasi paliit ng paliit ang dyarong tutungtungan ng mga paa niyo. So choose your partners wisely!" Anunsyo ni Kylie sa lahat kaya nagtipon tipon muli ang mga ito kasama pa si Daddy.
"Xyianne, come here! Don't be a party pooper. This is your party!" Tawag ni Nervana sa akin at kahit na wala sa maayos na damdamin ay sumali na lang rin ako para hindi sayang ang effort nila at nagpatuloy na ang party with my friends and family in this simple celebration they have prepared for me.
Somehow it helps me divert my attention and longing for the people I needed in this kind of day. My mom and her.
***
"Dad, may ipapakuha ba kayong ibang flowers?" I asked my Dad as I parked my car in front of the flower shop.
Dadalawin kasi namin si Mom sa puntod niya since the sun is still up. Almost 3:00 PM na rin kami nakaalis ng office after playing some games and eating foods that they brought for my birthday celebration but of course we still have to celebrate my birthday later at Nervana's newest bar. Obviously, to chug some alcohol in our system since ngayon na lang rin kami ulit nagsama sama. The Vibe Bar ang name ng bago niyang tayong negosyo bukod pa sa Valentía. It's located a few blocks away from my office building but still in the perimeter of other buildings around the main town kaya pumatok agad yung negosyo niya within a month dahil almost all of the working people are going there after working hours to have fun and take some loose.
"Just the usual, anak." My dad said while caressing my child's hair gently. They sat at the back because my daughter was already sleeping peacefully. Napagod sa kakalaro kanina sa mga ninong at ninang niya kaya ayun, knocked out. Nakapatong ang ulo niya sa lap ni dad habang ang katawan nito ay komportableng nakahiga sa kabuuan ng upuan sa backseat kaya hindi mo talaga maiistorbo.
Tumango ako bilang pagtugon at napagdesisyunan ng lumabas sa kotse para magtungo sa shop.
"Hi, AZ." Tawag pansin ko sa dalagang nag aayos ng pagkakasalansan ng mga halamang nakadisplay sa loob ng shop.
"Oh, Hello Annie! Napadalaw ka? Kahapon lang nandito ka rin. Ikaw ha, gusto mo lang siguro akong makita kaya ganyan!" Saad ni Azalea sa akin with my own nickname na siya lang din nag imbento, siya ang anak ng owner slash florist na nakasanayan kong makasalamuha. She's been friendly since I met her three years ago. Napapadalas lang rin na kami ang nagkikita kapag bibili ako dito dahil may isa pa silang flower shop na itinayo at nandoon ang mommy niya but she's still studying, graduating student to be exact.
"Asa ka, I just didn't expect na pupunta kami ngayon kaya dumalaw na ako kahapon sa mom ko." I said at naglakad na ako papalapit sa kanya habang hinahaplos ang mga madaanan kong halaman.
"Sus, okay lang kahit hindi ka umamin." Pang aasar pa niya at humarap na sa akin. She's a cheerful person, a naturally talkative one, she also has a pretty face, and she smiles a lot which reminds me of someone who has captured my heart every time she's smiling...before.
"Ewan ko sayo, AZ. Just give me the usual. My dad's waiting outside." Pagpuputol ko sa kakulitan niya.
"Hmm, fine, fine. Ito na nga." Umalis ito sa pwesto niya para kumuha ng pink camellias and other plants she'll use for my usual arrangement.
Makalipas ang ilang minuto ay nagawa na niya ang order ko pero may binigay pa siyang isang bulaklak na hindi pamilyar sa akin.
"What's this? Wala kong pambayad dito." Saad ko pero tinawanan lamang nito.
"It's for you, that's green chrysanthemum and they symbolize rebirth, renewal, good fortune, good health, and youthfulness. That's my birthday gift for you! Akala mo siguro hindi ko alam na birthday mo." She winks at me after saying that at tsaka ako pinagtutulak palabas ng shop niya.
"Sige na, bawal na iyan isauli. For free na rin iyang camellias for your mom. Please give my greetings to your dad and that little tiger of yours. Pati na rin sa mom mo ha! Bye Annie!" She immediately closed the glassdoor of the shop while still waving her hands at me urging me to go.
Napailing iling na lang ako dahil sa bilis ng pangyayari. Nakalibre pa! I smiled at her and mouthed thank you which she reciprocated with a wide smile.
I turned my back at her and ready to head back to my car when I remembered something. Right, hindi naman siguro masama yung gagawin ko since it's for my birthday celebration.
I walked back to the shop, mabuti na lang at nandoon pa rin siya sa tapat ng pintuan at hinihintay ata akong makaalis. Bakas sa mukha niya ang pagtataka. I knocked on the glassdoor pero pinapaalis na niya ako, akala siguro niya ay ibabalik ko yung bulaklak o kaya magbabayad.
"Buksan mo!" Pasigaw kong usal sa kanya para marinig niya ako agad which I successfully did.
She open the door and peak her head, "Sabi sayo libre na—"
"I'm inviting you to our beach trip next week, Monday to Wednesday, it's my post birthday celebration with my friends. If you're not busy you can come with us." Dirediretso kong pag-iimporma sa kanya na nagpatulala sa dalaga.
"H-huh?"
"You're invited, I'll send you the details maybe later or tomorrow. It's either you go or not, it's fine, okay? See you." I said and turned my back at her to proceed to my car without waiting for her answer.
Once I stepped inside my car, I immediately drove it to the cemetery and parked it. Inalalayan ko ang paglabas ni Dad sa kotse dahil buhat buhat pa nito ang bata.
"Dad, ako na dyan." Suhestyon ko dahil masyado na siyang matanda para magbuhat ng bata. Tulog pa rin kasi, ayan laro pa. Charot.
"It's okay, nasaan na ba si Lewis. Akala ko sasama siya satin?" Tanong nito habang papalakad kami papuntang puntod ng nanay ko.
I sighed, "Busy yung tao, Dad. Hayaan mo na yun." Nauna na akong maglakad sa kanila dahil malapit na rin kami kaso may napansin akong nakalagay na bulaklak doon sa puntod ni Mommy. It's a pink and red carnations. Wala naman akong natandaang naglagay ako dito ng carnation kahapon? It also looks fresh mukhang this day lang din dumalaw kung sino man yun.
I squat to check the card na nakalagay sa flower which has printed words in it, 'I miss you.' Awtomatikong nangunot ang noo ko dahil sa nabasa. Who the hell put this thing on my mom's gravestone?!
"What's that?" Natapik ko palayo ang bulaklak dahil sa gulat sa tatay kong sumulpot sa likuran ko.
"Uh...wala, Dad. Naligaw lang na bulaklak mukhang hindi pa nalilinis nung caretaker." Usal ko sabay lapag ng dala dala kong bulaklak na pink camellias. Iniwan ko na muna sa loob ng kotse yung akin na bigay ni Azalea.
"Mom," Garalgal na boses ng kakagising lang na bata.
"Hey, tiger. We're here na at MommyLa's grave. Come here sit beside me." Dahan dahang ibinaba ni dad ang anak ko at naupo na rin sila sa magkabilang gilid ko.
May nilabas si dad na paperbag na ngayon ko lang napansin. He got something inside and carefully put it down on the left side of the gravestone. It was a choco-strawberry cupcake and a thin candle. Si Daddy talaga oh!
"Yehey! We're going to sing again?!" Energetic na sabi ng bata sa gilid ko may kasama pang palakpak.
"Dad, ikaw talaga." Suway ko sa tatay ko but deep inside I'm too soft for this.
"Ikaw talaga anak, you know we always do this since you were a child. Might as well do this again. Alam kong naging busy ka this past years kaya hindi tayo nakakadalaw masyado nang kumpleto but here we are. We can still celebrate it kahit hindi tayo kumpleto." He said while gently caressing my back which caused my eyes to sting as my heart melts with the gesture of my father, then soon my child's small hand caress my back as well which made my tear fall immediately.
"Ay, tama na ang drama anak. Let's sing!"
"Yes! We're going to sing again! Game DaddyLo!"
I laughed at them while wiping my eyes.
"Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you...Happy birthday, dear daughter/mommy.... Happy birthday to youuu!" Sabay nila akong kinantahan with matching clapping of hands to have a beat while wearing their sweet smile.
"Thank you," Madamdamin kong pasasalamat habang pilit na inuurong ang mga luha ko pabalik sa mata ko.
"Blow the candle na mommy!" May pagtili pa niyang utos halatang excited magblow kala mo birthday niya. Charot.
"But make a wish first!" Dagdag pa ni Dad. Akala mo bata pa rin ako para sa ganyan ganyan nila but of course I'm guilty if I say I'm not making a wish every time I blow my birthday candle.
There's just always one thing I keep on wishing for the last three years of my life...
I leaned forward, preparing to blow the candle in my cupcake, closing my eyes, I felt a cold breeze of the wind in this type of 'ber' month. The sun is already setting above us which is my favorite part of the day that's why I wish to all the gods and goddesses, to the universe and heaven...
I wish you to come back my love.
November 11 — 11:11 — It's always you.
***
The Vibe Bar.
"Beshy, where na you? Hindi kami mag uumpisa hanggat hindi ka dumadating!" Bulyaw ng kaibigan ko sa kabilang linya.
It's 6:40 PM, pinatulog ko na rin muna yung anak ko bago ako umalis ng bahay. Though, I trusted my Dad and Manang Rosita to take care of my child, but yeah, I think I'm just fond of being a parent, gusto ko mabigay sa kanya ang oras at atensyon na dati ay gustong gusto ko maranasan sa kabila ng hectic schedule ko. I've already learned to multitask things, I'm not the old Xyianne who can't handle a lot. Although, it's very hard to maintain that characteristic, yet, still I did it and I couldn't be prouder of myself.
"Ito na kakapark lang. Pinatulog ko pa kasi yung bata bago pumarty." I said as I parked my car. I checked myself in the mirror, I wore make up for this event while channeling my inner sexy side. Minsan lang ako magsuot ng ganitong damit dahil lagi akong nakacorporate attire and I'm tired of it kaya nagsuot ako ng black backless satin silk sling dress, I partnered it with my black lace up stilettos and a mini Gucci black leather bag where I can put my purse and phone.
"Yan, anak pa more!" Sigaw nito, rinig ko ang tawanan ng mga kaibigan ko sa kabilang linya. They are in a VIP room kaya hindi masyadong rinig ang ingay ng bar.
I rolled my eyes, "Kapag talaga ikaw nagka anak ewan ko na lang sayo." I then decided to go out of my car while still having a phone call with my best friend. I walked myself to the entrance with the two bouncers who greeted me.
"Kung magkaka anak." Sabat niya sabay tawa na parang baliw. Lasing na siguro ito.
"Che! Sige na. I'm about to go inside. Bye!" I ended the call as soon as the bouncers let me in.
The inside was packed with people, dahil Friday kaya sobrang dami rin talagang tao. The walls are full of neon lights in various colors that gives life to the place. The sound and the bass inside the bar was overwhelming. Parang hindi ko na tuloy alam kung tumitibok pa ba ang puso ko o yung bass na sa loob ng bar yung nararamdaman ko. There's a stage in front where the DJ and some of the musical instruments were placed, then there's a huge dance floor where a lot of people are now enjoying with each other's company. Some are grinding on one another, some are making out. Whew! That's a lot for an entrance.
I lift my eyes above where the VIP rooms are located. They said they are in room 6 so I let myself walk further and took the stairs.
As I walked, I kind of feel someone looking at me. In the midst of this crowded place, I let my head turn and my eyes roam around to check if I could see a familiar face but all I could see were shadows of people having a wildly fun night and a dancing lights scattering around the place.
Kumibit balikat na lang ako at nagpatuloy sa pag akyat ng hagdan at maglakad patungo sa room 6 kung nasaan sila. I can still sense that strange feeling but I just ignored and pushed the door.
Agad na nagsitilian at nagsisinghapan ang mga kaibigan ko sa loob ng VIP room na kanina lang ay nagkukulitan.
"Oh my gosh! Look at you!" Nervana said and then whistled.
"Ang sexy sexy naman! Nakakainis!" Sabrina protest.
"Beshy wanna get laid tonight!" Pang aasar ni Bridgette na may nakakalokong ngiti.
"Grabe Ma'am ha. Hindi ko akalaing nagdadamit ka pala ng ganyan! Havey na havey! Happy Birthday!" Masayang pagbati ni Kylie.
"Pre, laway mo tutulo na." Pang aasar ni Lewis kay Brandon habang hinawakan ang baba nito para itikom ang bibig ng isa.
Nagtawanan silang lahat sa sarili nilang kalokohan. Napailing iling na lang ako at nagdadalawang isip na kung tutuloy pa ba ako sa pagsama sa kanila. Mga baliw eh.
"Come here, Beshy. Dito ka tumabi sakin huwag ka dyan sa kanila." Bridge said while offering a seat beside her which I immediately followed, nangawit na ang paa ko kakatayo eh.
"Okay, para sa birthday girl! Cheers!" Brandon lifted his glass and initiated the first drink of everyone by the means of cheers and so we obliged and drink the alcohol in one gulp.
Sabay na naghiyawan ang mga kasama ko dahil sa lakas ng tama ng iniinom naming alak. Halos gumuhit ang init non sa lalamunan at dibdib ko. Hindi pa rin kasi ako malakas uminom.
"At dahil birthday ni Xyianne. Kakanta kami ni Sabrina para sayo. Okay ba yun? Just like the old times in our band!" Brandon happily said na kina excite ng mga kasama ko. I nodded and smiled at him.
"Pero ikaw mag isa kakanta para samin mamaya. Tutal birthday mo naman!" Singit ni Sab na lalong kinaingay nila. Wala na akong magawa kundi tumango.
May videoke kasi dito sa loob kaya ang lalakas ng loob nila kumanta. Nagpunta na sila sa harapan namin at kumuha ng tag iisang microphone. They already chose the song and when it played, I couldn't contain myself but to feel blue.
[Breakeven by The Script]
I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even
It's true, I'm still alive but barely breathing. As I always thought, I don't know if what I'm doing is still considered as living ever since she left me.
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake, she has no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven
Even, no
And those kind of thoughts in my head will remain as that hanggat wala akong naririnig tungkol sa kanya.
It's hard to wait for someone without any communication. You would totally expect the worst.
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up, and you're ok?
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
But even though expecting the worst always clings into my mind, I still consider her as the best part of me. Kahit na I'm slowly crashing down on my own.
They say, "Bad things happen for a reason"
But no wise words gon' stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven even
Even, no
And they say things happen for a reason, and I hope that her reason for not being able to comeback until now will suffice with my broken heart.
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up, and you're ok?
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces (one still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces ('cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even)
I was having my emotional breakdown in my head when I suddenly felt a hand on my bare back, caressing it for a comfort. I gave time to look at the person beside me, it was Nervana while she's busy watching the two of our friends singing their heart out.
"I'm okay," I whispered and fake a smile at her even though she's not looking directly at me.
Nilibot kong muli ang mga mata ko nang wala akong matanggap na sagot kay Nervana. I saw Lewis smiling at me like he was reassuring me too. I just nodded.
"Tagay na lang natin yan, Beshy." Bridge handed me another glass of alcohol. Siya ang tagalagay ng alak sa mga baso namin at nakakailang tungga na ko dito dahil ang bilis ng ikot. Umiikot na rin tuloy ang paningin ko.
"Magwalwal tayo! Ilabas mo yang nararamdaman mo! Nandito lang kami for you." Inakbayan ako ng best friend ko sabay lapit ng baso niya sa baso ko para magcheers ulit kami.
"Thanks, balak mo talaga akong lasingin ha. Ikaw unang susukahan ko mamaya." I said and clicked our glass together as we laughed.
"Whooo!! Ang galing niyo naman! Oh my god!" Si Kylie na hindi makapaniwala sa performance nung dalawa. Hindi ata siya nainform na magkakabanda kami dati.
"Autograph gusto mo?" Malokong sabi ni Brandon kaya nagtawanan muli sila.
"Hoy, tama na yan. Inom na!" Suway ni Bridge sabay pinuno ang baso nung dalawang kumanta.
"Ikaw naman, Xyianne! Kanta na dali!" Tulak pa ni Sabrina sa akin nang makabalik siya sa upuan niya.
"Wait lang, nahihilo na ako!"
"Sus, walang hilo hilo! Kumanta ka!"
"Go Xyianne! Go Xyianne! Go Xyianne!" Panghahype pa ng mga hayup kong kaibigan.
I rolled my eyes at them at dahang dahang tumayo dahil mahilo hilo na talaga ako. Agad namang umalalay si Lewis sa akin hanggang sa nakarating ako sa mini stage dito sa loob ng VIP room.
"Thanks," usal ko kay Lewis at nginitian lang nito.
"Ano kakantahin mo ako na ang magpeplay." Maingat na tanong nito sa akin.
[Sad song by We The Kings]
You and I
We're like fireworks and symphonies exploding in the sky
With you, I'm alive
Like all the missing pieces of my heart, they finally collide
So stop time right here in the moonlight
'Cause I don't ever wanna close my eyes
Without you, I feel broke
Like I'm half of a whole
Without you, I've got no hand to hold
Without you, I feel torn
Like a sail in a storm
Without you, I'm just a sad song
I'm just a sad song
Sa bawat pagbigkas ko ng mga liriko ay damang dama ko ang lungkot na nararamdaman ko ngayon. Ni hindi ko na inabalang tignan pa ang screen kung saan ang lyrics ng kanta dala na rin ng kalasingan ko.
I actually brought a bottle with me and I drunk it whenever possible as I can't contain myself with this longing inside me. Without her I'm just a sad song.
With you, I fall
It's like I'm leaving all my past in silhouettes up on the wall
With you, I'm a beautiful mess
It's like we're standing hand and hand with all our fears up on the edge
So stop time right here in the moonlight
'Cause I don't ever wanna close my eyes
Without you, I feel broke
Like I'm half of a whole
Without you, I've got no hand to hold
Without you, I feel torn
Like a sail in a storm
Without you, I'm just a sad song
Where are you, Love? I've been dying to be with you. I can't take this sadness anymore. I'm in despair. I hate you for leaving me hanging. I hate you for not coming back soon. I should've left with you.
I drank the last content of the bottle of alcohol and left the stage without finishing my performance dahil ayokong umiyak sa harapan nila. I just want to drink this shitty feeling away.
My head was spinning and so was my sight but I still manage myself. All my senses were a bit blurred but I still want to drink this sorrowful feeling of mine.
"Beshy, stop na. Lasing ka na."
"True, patulugin niyo na yan dyan."
"I want to dance! Come on, let's dance outside!" Lakas loob na aya ko at nauna nang lumabas ng VIP room.
I heard them call me but I ignored them and just walked myself out of that room. I suddenly feel suffocated there.
"Xyianne! Wait!" Tawag nila sa akin.
"Beshy, ano...are you sure kaya mo pa?" Naabutan ako ni Bridge at bakas ang pag aalala ng best friend ko sa akin pero hinatak ko lang siya papalapit sa akin nang matagumpay kaming makarating sa dance floor.
"Let's just dance, B. I can't stop thinking about her." I whispered in her ear as I hug her na ikinagulat niya. Maya maya pa ay naramdaman ko ang marahang paghaplos nito sa likod ko.
"Okay, let's just enjoy the night." Pagkokonsinti nito sa akin, kaya mahal ko itong best friend ko eh. Kumalas na rin siya sa pagkakayakap ko.
Hindi kalaunan ay nasa dance floor na rin ang iba kong kaibigan at nag umpisa na rin silang magsayawan.
They also grabbed some drinks while we still dance like an idiot in the middle. Kahit hilong hilo na sa pag iinom at pagsasayaw ay hindi ko ininda, gusto kong mawala muna siya sa isipan ko kahit ngayong gabi lang.
I drank the last alcohol I have in my bottle and I swear my world is definitely spinning like crazy but I just danced it away as I felt a hot liquid on my cheeks.
May mga nagsisilapitang mga estranghero sa akin as I grind and sway my hips to whoever. Everyone of us is having our best night when suddenly I felt someone grabbing my wrist a little rough.
In the middle of the crowd, I shouted, istorbo kasi but no one pays attention to me as the music are too loud. Naramdaman ko na lang bigla na paakyat na kami sa hagdan.
"I want more!" Bulyaw ko sa kung sino habang pilit niya akong pinapaupo sa upuan para maisandal ang ulo ko but I'm still thirsty and I still want to party.
"No, that's enough." That voice.
"One last bottle *hick* puhlease..." Pagmamakaawa ko pa.
"Tsk. Sabi ko na nga ba hindi maganda itong naisip niyo eh."
"It's her birthday, she has the right to celebrate this whatever means of celebration she wants."
"Oo nga pero dapat kanina niyo pa pinigilan iyan. Kumakanta na nga habang nainom kanina eh tapos pinababa niyo pa para sumayaw habang umiiyak. Tignan mo yung mascara niyan hulas na kakaiyak kanina pa."
"I want more!" Pag uulit ko pa habang nahihilong nakasandal ang ulo sa malambot na upuan dito. I felt someone holding my hand and gently squeezing it like they're making sure I still felt something. But all I feel was longing and frustration.
"More, more *hick* more!" Pangungulit ko pa.
"Beshy, calm down." Pilit akong pinapabalik sa paghiga nitong nasa isang gilid ko dahil pilit ko ring inaabot ang mga bote sa lamesa para tunggain iyon.
"Who let her drink a lot?!" That voice again but no one dared to answer.
"J-just let her lay there for a while. Kakalma din iyan."
"One last *hick* bottle!!!"
"Give me what I want!"
"Hey, are you listening?!" Hindi ko alam pero may nahawi akong mukha dahil walang pumapansin sakin.
"Aray! Pota nanampal pa!" Reklamo ng katabi ko sa kabilang gilid ko na kanina pa rin pumipigil sakin kapag inaabot ko ang bote sa lamesa.
"Suko na ko mga te. Lewis ikaw nga dito! Tulungan mo siya sa pagpipigil."
"Okay,"
Ang blurred na talaga ng paningin ko pero nauuhaw talaga ako. "I'm thirshhtyy,"
"Thirsty daw, thirsty daw! Painumin niyo. Oh ito alak—"
"Bobo ka talaga, Brandon! Tubig ibigay mo!"
"Ay tubig ba? Oh ito pre painumin mo na muna."
Nakaramdam naman ako ng kung anong pinapasok sa bibig ko hanggang sa maramdaman ko ang isang malamig na likidong dumaloy sa lalamunan ko ngunit walang lasa kaya naibuga ko yun sa nagpapainom sakin at sabay tumawa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako natatawa.
Rinig ko ang pagbuntong hininga ng nasa isang gilid ko.
"Putang—"
"Gago ligo malala! HAHAHAHA!"
Rinig ko rin ang hagikgikan ng mga tao sa loob. Pero patuloy pa rin ang pag ikot ng mundo ko kahit nakapikit nako.
"Oh goodness, Xyianne! Ang lala mo malasing!"
"Hoy, Beshy! Ang lala mo talaga malasing! Buti na lang hindi ako yung nabugahan mo. HAHAHAHA"
"Kylie, ikaw naman doon huwag kang play safe dyan."
"Huh? Si Brandon na lang, mas malakas yan. Mas mapipigilan niya yan kapag nagwala."
"Hoy, makaturo kayo!"
I tried opening my eyes again and when I noticed in my blurry eyes that no one was paying attention to me I quickly grab the bottle of alcohol on the table and drank the liquid inside of it.
"HOY!!"
I laughed groggily at their reactions at sumandal muli nang makainom ako kahit paano. I even heard gasps from the people inside the room when I felt someone abruptly stand up beside me.
"Get out! All of you!" That voice again and soon I heard a door slammed close then my surroundings went silent and only heavy breathings from someone can be heard.
I now started to smell a familiar scent wandering inside my nose na kanina ko pa naaamoy pero hindi ko lang mapunto and my heart started to beat insanely that only one person can do. As my head is in such a cruel spiral and my visions are blurred, all I can ever feel in my senses was the familiar touch of someone in my skin. That soft, warm and comforting touch I've been dying to feel for the past years.
"L-love, is that you?" But no one dared to speak.
"Love? Love?" A sudden tears fell in my eyes again because of this longing agony.
I tried reaching for that touch but I'm too weak to move.
"L-love? Please is that you?" As my eyes grew heavier. I still tried to forcefully open it.
Am I hallucinating? Is the alcohol I intake was too much for me to expect her to be here right now?
Is it possible that's she's here? Or this is just another dream...
The focus of my eyes were still blurred as I opened it and then my heart jumps in delight when I recognized the face of the woman I love in front of me. It's her! It's her! I swear...
"Love," A faint smile formed my lips as my vision slowly turns into black.
*******