⋆ twenty-nine ⋆
in the original universe...
Peter Parker's fist raises to Xara Connolly's front door, then stops.
He pauses, hand mere millimetres away from the wood, before he hurriedly takes a step back. He'd come here on autopilot, having already waited long enough before searching to find Xara. After all, he had some things to clear up that were of the utmost importance, like how he technically doesn't have anywhere to live or any form of ID or way to get money.
But he hadn't realised what a bad idea this was till now, muttering to himself, "What are you doing? She's going to think you're a creep, going to her house. What if she's not even home? What if it's her dad?"
She even told him not to stop by, saying her dad wouldn't know who he was. But she'd forgotten the most important thing: she wouldn't know who he was. It would just be some kid at her front door, claiming to have dated her before erasing her memory for the greater good of the multiverse.
The hand in his pocket begins to crunch up the paper it's holding, words upon words of his inner thoughts written out in the most coherent way he can form. It explains who he is, what kind of person he is, and what's happened to him. It explains what they were to each other, their experiences, the demons they fought together (both figuratively and literally). And it explains why he had to say goodbye in the first place.
But he can't check here, he realises again, pursing his lips. He has to wait, or look somewhere else.
He glances at his watch, only to remember where else she could be: at work. She works on Saturdays, and the lunch rush would have just ended. There's no better timing than right now.
With a sudden energy, he rushes down all seven flights of stairs as fast as possible, leaping the last few at the bottom and rushing over to Delmar's.
It's outside that he skids to a step, catching his breath momentarily before smoothing down his blazer. Xara always loved seeing him in a suit, whichever few times it may have happened, and if he's going to tell her everything, he has to start with catching her attention. Ergo, the suit.
Giving himself a little nod, he walks in, heading over to the counter.
It's empty, no one behind it. He knocks on the wood before waiting, gaze darting around as if he could catch sight of her. Maybe she's under the counter, like she's been before, organising some things.
A smile forms on his lips as he recalls one day in the summer they 'met', when he came for lunch once and she banged her head on the counter in her hurry to greet him. She had a crush on him back then, and while he thought she was just avoiding him at every turn for some reason, it warms his heart to know she liked him that much.
His eyes dart to the shelves at the back, the photograph back up. Xara and Spider-Man, back before she knew his identity. Back when she was torn between the two, not knowing she'd fallen for the very same person twice.
She may have fallen for him first, but he fell for her much harder, the feelings rushing in like a tidal wave threatening to overflow.
"Now, let's start our friendship again. This time, I promise not to fall in love with you."
"Fall in love with me, Xara Connolly," he whispers, pouring his heart into every single word with the longing and hoping of a thousand universes. "Be my friend first if you have to. But fall in love with me all over again. Please."
Finally, footsteps sound, and he can't contain his excitement. It's only at the sight, however, of Delmar coming out from the back, that his heart deflates a little.
"Sorry I kept you waiting, kid. What would you like?"
Peter feels his throat go dry. It takes a couple of moments before he can find his voice, although it's a little squeakier than usual. "Hi." He clears his throat, trying to return it to normal pitch. "Hi. Is Xara Connolly working here?"
That's when Delmar takes in Peter. His suit. The hopeful expression. And he shoots him a weird look. "Xara? No. Why, do you know her?"
"'No', like, not today?"
"She doesn't work here. What do you need?"
She doesn't work here? Peter can't hold back his frown. Xara definitely works here, just like she worked last summer, before she got the job at–
It seems to hit him so suddenly. Peter fixed things. That means Xara should have her old job back at the Daily Bugle!
It's then that he seems to remember the expectant Delmar, giving a nervous chuckle. He should pick up some lunch while he's here, bring something over to Xara. He's sure she'll be hungry.
"Right. Can I just get the usual. Two of them."
Delmar's eyebrows furrow. "I've never seen you before, kid."
It seems to hit Peter all too late. The spell. Everyone forgot who Peter was, even Delmar. Delmar, who found out he was Spider-Man and kept it secret this whole time. Delmar, who never treated Peter differently.
"Yeah... right. My bad."
But even after Peter's searched the Daily Bugle, asking about a certain employee, Xara isn't there. He checks through her bedroom window (in the least stalker-y way he can manage). Nothing. Even at MJ's workplace, where they used to go sometimes. No sign of her.
But if Xara isn't at work, home, or the park... where could she be?
It's like she's disappeared off the face of the earth.
⋆🕷️⋆
"It's been a few weeks since the fiasco on the Statue of Liberty, and Spider-Man's cultists continue to contend that the vile vigilante is a hero. But if he were a hero, he'd unmask himself and tell us who he really is, because only a coward conceals his identity. Only a coward hides his true intentions. Rest assured, ladies and gentlemen, that this reporter will uncover those intentions come hell or high water. Be sure to tune in again tomorrow for more news."
The recording ends, Genevieve rushing over to take the microphone off Jameson's lapel carefully. People yell out at each other, rolling the cameras away and flicking through papers, getting ready for the editing and streaming of yet another Daily Bugle piece.
It's then that Xara appears from behind one of the panels, slightly hesitantly, before holding out the papers scribbled in her handwriting. "Sir."
"What?" he barks, pulling the coffee away from his lips (and very nearly dropping it onto the mic, making Genevieve flinch). "Can't you see I'm busy? Reading out articles on television takes a lot out of you."
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. With all due respect, sir, you changed the script I wrote. And not even in a little bit. It changed the entire dynamic of the piece."
"Well, we aren't praising Spider-Man."
"But he saved people. We've all seen the footage."
"Miss Connolly, you're paid for providing the facts. Well do with it what we will. I'd suggest you don't complain if you'd like to keep your job."
Keep calm, Xar. Keep calm. You need this job for college.
Xara takes a deep breath, then puts on the sweetest fake smile she can manage. "Of course, sir," comes her response, voice too peppy to be taken at face value. If Jameson notices this, he doesn't say anything about it, just waving her away.
One she's finally out of earshot, she sighs, rolling her eyes. "What is his problem? The audacity of that man. I showed him the footage. He knows that Spider-Man is a good guy. Why is he stirring up unnecessary drama?"
She doesn't even need the question answered, however, already knowing: for the views. They upload articles and videos, comments form. Give controversial opinions, arguments sprout. Every letter posted under our content is just money in his eyes.
She heads to her desk, only for her phone to buzz as she slips back into her seat. She places it between her ear and shoulder, answering immediately, "I'm having such a weird day."
"What happened?" comes MJ's response almost instantly.
"I can't go to the gym in the mornings right now, for obvious reasons, but I woke up and picked my phone up immediately and went to messages."
"And?"
"And then I stopped. I was meant to text someone good morning, but I then realised that I didn't know who I was supposed to text."
Michelle pauses for a moment. "What about your brother?"
"Unless there's a murder, we don't text. We call, and only if it's, like, important or we're bored."
"That's a bit spooky then."
"What's your conspiracy theory?"
"You were possessed. Definitely.'
"By a lonely, tech-deprived ghost?" Xara's nose scrunches up as she packs her papers in her bag, stuffing them in and grabbing her camera. "What kind of person comes back from the dead and sends someone a good morning text?"
"I'm thinking a lady who was murdered unexpectedly by her loving husband – who turned out to be having an affair – and tried to get revenge by scaring him."
A shudder travels down Xara's spine. "Thanks. I'm going to get nightmares tonight."
"Are you coming over after... you know?"
"I'm just grabbing my stuff before leaving. Be on my way right after. And you don't have to jump around the topic, you know. Now stop hogging the bathroom – your boss is gonna think something is wrong with your digestive system if you keep making calls in there."
Xara hangs up, saving files before switching her computer off and heading out from work.
Peter Parker wanders through Queens, hands shoved in his coat pockets as defence against the biting December air.
It's only been a couple of weeks since he tried looking for Xara, but she was nowhere to be found. She didn't even go to school – he checked through the window, in the most non-creepy way manageable. It seems he's been doing all kinds of weird things because of Xara.
When Xara first approached him when he was Spider-Man, she accused him of being a serial killer. Without the actual killing bit, he's been acting more and more like one recently. It'll be a hell of a coincidence if she said the exact same thing this time.
Where could Xara have possibly gone?
Today of all days, Peter knows Xara needs him. Or needs someone.
Last year was hard on her, as every year before has been. It was only last year that he witnessed it, went with her to her mom's grave yet again for the death anniversary. Her dad went later by himself. It was around when he and Xara started fixing their relationship, inviting Peter over for Christmas dinner only a week later.
Today is Brielle Connolly's death anniversary. And that's why Peter knows that today is the day he'll find Xara.
She's not at the graveyard, but somehow, there's a strange feeling in his chest. If he has to describe it, he'd say it's something like a slow Peter tingle, warning him of something to come, but it hasn't snapped quite yet. It just leaves him in a state of perpetual anxiety, waiting for when they'll happen against each other.
He goes to MJ's work, knowing that there's still other people he needs to see. He wanted it to be Xara first, but if he stays in the corner and people-watches again, maybe he'll get to see her.
He steps in, but much to his dismay, it's MJ behind the counter this time instead of her coworker, along with Ned sitting at a table nearby, which makes the tightening in his chest a lot harder.
MJ was his friend, as was Ned. Was. But how does he begin to explain things to them all over again?
"Can I help you?"
It's at the sound of MJ's voice that he seems to realise he was staring, snapping out of it instantly. "Hi. Um... My name is Peter Parker, and I..."
No, you idiot! What are you doing?
"...would like a coffee, please."
Xara. We're here for Xara. We need to see Xara first.
Michelle gives him a look, then gives a slight smile. "Okay, no problem, Peter Parker." She grabs a donut, heading over to give it to Ned and quietly discussing something about MIT, before starting to make coffee.
MIT. They got into MIT. It worked out. Something pangs in Peter's chest at the very thought, the Peter tingle's intensity slowly increasing. Did it work out for Xara? Did she choose MIT or NYU? Did she choose her friends, or to make a life for herself, the one she always dreamed of having? Will she regret her decision? Will he?
The moment the Peter tingle snaps is the moment a light flashes in the corner of his eye.
Peter's wistful gaze suddenly turns away from Ned and MJ, whirling around in surprise, only to catch sight of a camera on him. It gets lowered, and Peter's breath gets caught in his chest.
When Peter and Xara were dating, they saw each other almost every day. First with school, but even during the holidays and weekends, they had dates, video calls, and at the very least their daily good morning texts.
But for Peter, it's been a couple of weeks without her, constantly worried about what might have happened, what state she's in, if she's okay. He wanted to know if she was happy, and if he made the right choice.
But this was too cruel of the universe.
She's standing there in front of him, backpack slung over one shoulder and camera bag over the other, wearing one of the hoodies. The matching ones they got together. I Am Everything, to match the one he has at his place, saying I Have Everything I Need.
But he doesn't. He lost it all.
Xara can't help her wide grin as she glances at the photograph she took, then back at Peter, as if remembering he's there. "Oh, sorry! It was a great candid. Wanna see?"
Peter can't find his words, but he doesn't need to, Xara already crossing those few steps over to him and showing him the photograph. Peter gazing at something, eyes clouded over, lips slightly parted. In any other case, he would have laughed and said it was a great photograph, but right now?
Right now, his face turns slightly to glance at Xara's, her own too close to him for someone he hasn't seen in over two weeks. She seems as good as ever, skin smooth, smile present, talking as she zooms in on the photo.
He's missed her.
"...That's some look in your eyes. You looking for someone or imagining one of the gorgeous chocolate chip cookies?"
He barely hears her, but it's her turning to face him that snaps him into attention, forcing a sheepish chuckle to hide his stare. "Cookies, definitely."
Xara can tell he's lying, but she shrugs it off, turning her attention to MJ when she holds out the coffee cup. Peter doesn't follow her line of sight until she nods towards it. "I think your coffee is ready."
"Oh! Right."
He grabs it, muttering a thank you, but before he can decide whether to pull Xara aside and tell her everything or to just leave before he explodes, Xara's already showing the candid to MJ. "Look, isn't it so cool? It's got the emotion and the angle and the lighting was so perfect. Warm colours and Christmass-y vibes."
"His name is Peter Parker, apparently," MJ provides, turning back to the boy curiously.
At the name, Xara can't help but brighten up – which didn't even look possible, with how cheerful she already was. "Cool. I love names that have alliteration. Mine is Xara Connolly, and it's so abrupt with too many hard consonants."
It's only then that her lips press together hurriedly. Peter seems to catch onto it quickly, seeing her realise she should not have given out her full name to some random stranger.
Random stranger.
She ignores the pink rising to her cheeks. "Anyway, want a copy of the photo? Or I can delete it if it makes you feel better–"
"No."
Her head tilts slightly, curious, and Peter is quick to add, "I mean... it's okay. Candids. I knew a photographer, too. So I get it."
Xara nods, giving a chuckle, only to wince immediately at the movement. It doesn't miss Peter's attention, who cautiously – while hiding his worry – asks, "You okay?"
"Yeah. Wish I could say I slept on it wrong, but getting hurt is never a walk in the park."
"What happened?"
She pauses for a moment, and Peter can't help but feel grateful that this is Xara. She's more worried about how to deflect attention off of her than to fret about why a stranger is so interested in her life.
"Hit by a car," she says hesitantly, then gives a stronger nod. "Yeah. Just got out of hospital a couple of days ago, and that was to sit the midterms I missed while I was there."
Hospital. That's where Xara was. That's why Peter couldn't find her, no matter how much he searched. She was in the hospital.
She was in the hospital.
Peter didn't think about much when he asked Strange to cast that spell. All he knew was that he had to say goodbye, and that his friends wouldn't remember him. But when he woke up the next day, it was all different. Their photos were gone. The only things that remained were the photos of them back during that summer, when he was Spider-Man, along with the funko pop she gave him.
Her memory must have filled itself in, telling her she had a car crash when in actuality, she was fighting multiversal beings with him. It put her in a car crash, one of the worst memories for her, and made her relive it today of all days. The anniversary of her mom's death.
But even though she can't remember any of it, it still happened. She was still injured.
Xara Connolly will always get hurt because of Peter Parker. She will continue to put herself in harm's way and go out of her way to check on him and force herself to be positive to the point she'll ruin her own physical and mental health. Xara Connolly will always put Peter Parker first instead of herself, and maybe that's how Peter seems to realise this is the wrong thing to do.
"No, you won't. I know you, I know you're going to look at me and you're going to think I'm better off without you, but... you made me better, Peter. Not Spider-Man. You. And if you're not there... I'm not going to be better, no matter what you think. So you have to promise you'll tell me. Promise."
But she won't. That's just who she is – she won't realise what's best for her until it happens. At least this way, she doesn't know what she's missing. She'll continue to make the best choices for herself. She'll have the kind of future she wants, untainted by Peter.
He just wishes it didn't hurt him this much.
As Xara heads over to Ned, the two tussling jokingly for a moment before she slides onto the stool beside him, Peter just watches, heart aching. Xara, Ned, MJ... is he really ready to let go of all of them?
It's a choice between being Spider-Man and being Peter Parker. But any time he wavers between them, people can die. The world needs Spider-Man a lot more than they need Peter Parker.
Xara flops dramatically onto the table, only to lighten up when MJ passes her one of the donuts. Peter wants her to keep that smile as long as possible, and to never lie to herself about her feelings. He wants her to always feel completely, wholly happy.
The dirt marks on her jeans, especially around her knees, just remind him of her past. Of her mom, who she no doubt visited at the graveyard just before coming. Did she visit May too? How much would she remember?
Xara Connolly has already suffered too much pain in her life. It would be selfish of him to add to it for the sake of his own happiness.
"Why do you have to lose everyone? Make an exception again. Make me the exception. I loved you for nearly four years, Peter Parker, so don't do this, okay? Make sure you come to me."
It was nice, being loved by Xara Connolly. He just wishes it didn't have to end so soon.
So, letting his eyes linger on the three laughing together – the people he always considered his family – he smiles, then leaves.
⋆🕷️⋆
The week before Christmas is always the worst in the Connolly household. It reminds them of Brielle, and her absence after the crash. It reminds them of the day they lost the family member that held them all together. The day of the crash, when Xara lost her mom and a part of herself.
But Christmas started getting easier over the years, learning to overcome that absence. It's what Peter can see now as he sits on the rooftop of his old apartment building, watching the Connolly family through the window, tears in his eyes.
"Maybe we can do Christmas together this year after all."
The Christmas tree is up and alight by the window, everyone sitting together on the ground in a circle with the presents spread out between them, colourful Christmas crowns on from the crackers. "Christmas Eve is present day," Xara had told him once, when he was coming over with May for dinner. "Christmas Day kinda gets boring by noon, so we do it all the night before."
It's now that Xara's there, announcing the different names on the presents before passing them out. Danielle opens the one for baby Brielle, delighted at the little rattle that she immediately gives to the half-smiling baby, who waves it around joyfully.
The other presents get delivered, but it's at the last small one that Xara frowns, reading the name tag. It's not in any sort of familiar handwriting, addressed to her, but she shrugs it off and rushes to put it in her room anyway. If she doesn't know who it's from then she'd rather not open it in front of everyone else, just in case.
At seeing Xara disappear from the window, Peter can't help but feel pain in his chest. Is this really the closest he can get to a nice Christmas? Watching his girlfriend... his ex... through her window celebrating with the family?
He couldn't stay at home, in his one-room apartment desolate and empty, reminding him of everything he's lost. He can't spend another night studying for the GED test, feeling like the whole world is against him, like he has no future.
The cold just bites at his arms, his new hand-made suit not strong enough to protect him from the weather or the agony in his chest. Nothing is enough to stop him from feeling this pain, this overwhelming sensation of hopelessness. Before, it was always just Xara, calling her at night or looking at their photographs together or planning seeing each other the next day.
But in this world, Xara Connolly doesn't love him. Not anymore. She took a photo of him – the only photo of him she'll ever have – and left him immediately. Not even any sign of attraction, or any lingering unexplainable feelings. Nothing.
And maybe that's just a sign Peter should take, telling him this is all over.
"Hey, Spideyboy."
His heart stops. He takes a breath. Then another. Then another.
When he can finally find it in himself, he turns, and she's there. She's actually there, standing behind him, the slightest smile on her lips.
"W-What are you doing here?"
His voice is barely audible, hoarse, but she seems to hear it anyway. She comes over, sitting beside him at the edge of the building, feet dangling off the end. The snow sinks into her outfit, but she doesn't seem to care. A moment.
"I could see you outside the window. You were waiting for me to open the present you left for me, right?"
He swallows, suddenly grateful for the mask covering his face, his flushed and tear-streaked cheeks. He left it there, not intending for her to realise who it was from. She must have put two and two together somehow, linking it to Spider-Man. But how does she remember Spider-Man?
Xara seems oblivious to his internal struggle as she holds it up, the small camera keychain already attached to the keys to her truck. "I love it. You didn't have to get me anything, though. I didn't get anything for you, so now I feel bad. I'll make up for it, though."
"You don't have to."
"I want to. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, though. I actually wanted to bump into you for a bit. I needed to... address something." She hesitates, Peter's gut churning, when she mumbles, "I... can't patrol with you anymore."
"Patrol with me?" he echoes, it not exactly processing in his mind.
"Yeah. Why do you sound confused? You can't have been drinking, you're my age," she adds jokingly, although it's at the lack of a returned laugh that she frowns a little. "Remember... I'm Spider-Woman? We've been doing this for nearly two years, Spideyboy. Don't tell me you forgot."
Peter Parker was forgotten. Not Spider-Man.
Not all the memories Xara has is with Peter. Some are with Spider-Man, like that summer. Like back when they became friends, went to the hill. Back when they patrolled together and sent each other texts on that extra phone Tony Stark gave him. Back when she had a crush on Spider-Man and he said nothing could come of it.
Her memory filled in. All the patrols they did together after she found out his identity have changed. Instead of being with Peter Parker... they're with Spider-Man.
"No... I just thought maybe you forgot," he admits quietly, struggling to hide the pain in his voice.
"I'd never forget about my partner. I was just in the hospital for a bit, recovering from that big Spider-Man fight, okay? I promise I'm doing better now. Broken ribs ain't got nothing on me."
"'Big Spider-Man fight'?"
"With the Spider-Men from other universes helping us? Come on, spideyboy. Don't say you forgot because you have 'bigger villains to take care of'. Other universes' villains still count when you defeat them. Sorry, not defeat. I meant save."
She remembers that, too. But not his identity. Which means she knows about May. She knows about magic. She knows about more than he wanted.
He should stop this. Now. Before both of them end up getting hurt.
But then he remembers what she said at first, about not being able to patrol together anymore. His eyebrows furrow, waiting for her to continue.
"About that... Remember when we stopped by my place to grab my web shooters and my dad walked in? Long story short, I'm in a lot of trouble. I can't be Spider-Woman anymore. I mean, I can if you need me – not even my dad will stop me – but I can't do it all the time. Only when it's super important and you need help. So when that happens, come and get me. I'll give you the suit back–"
"Keep it." The words slip out before Peter can control them, but as much as he wants to take them back, he doesn't. He turns away. "Keep it with you, just in case you need it. I hope you don't. And if you don't... Then keep it to remember me."
She can't help her smile, nudging him lightly with her elbow. "You're saying it like we'll never see each other again."
We might not.
But if there's one thing Peter knows, it's that the world has a funny way of making things work out. He has to give her up so she can chase her future, but who knows what the world has in store for them. Maybe their paths will cross again one day, and this time they'll both be ready for it.
Finally, Xara nods, pulling herself to her feet and stretching out exhaustedly. "I should get going, before my dad gets suspicious. You should celebrate with your family."
He lost his family. First he lost May. Then he lost Ned and MJ. And now he's lost Xara. He has no one left to celebrate with.
But being with Xara one last time was nice. In a way, they still had Christmas together, just like they wanted.
He doesn't reply, so she just offers a smile. "Merry Christmas, Spideyboy."
With that, she shoots a web at the opposite building and swings over, landing on the fire escape outside her bedroom window and clambering in. At the last moment, she gives him a wave before shutting the window and leaving.
Peter just lets the quietest whisper out. "Merry Christmas, Xara Connolly."
Xara remembers. Not everything, but she remembers the dangerous things. She remembers being Spider-Woman, the battles they fought. She no doubt remembers the kidnapping, too.
And that's when it hits Peter that even this spell won't protect her. Those who remember the kidnapping will remember Xara, and some of the bad memories will remain in the world. She'll still jump out as Spider-Woman at the first sign of danger, and without powers, she'll be in more trouble.
So as much as he knew he needed to say goodbye in his own way and leave, he can't do that anymore. He can't abandon her not knowing what may happen.
She doesn't need to remember him, but he remembers her. He remembers all their memories, and maybe – just maybe – this is an excuse to not let her go. He'll follow her to the ends of the earth just to keep her safe, because they're not out of the woods yet.
Xara is still in danger because of all this, except it'll be more difficult because she doesn't remember him. Now he'll have to still look after her. He'll have to keep an eye on her from a distance. He'll have to make sure she is safe, and stays safe.
After all, if there's one thing Peter Parker was born to do, it was to protect Xara Connolly.