*Kintsugi -The Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending with lacquer mixed with powered gold, silver or platinum.
Kin means golden and tsugi means repair .Build on the philosophy,that in embracing flaws and imperfections one can create even more stronger and beautiful piece of art .No object can be broken the same way so each tell their own story and have their own beauty ..
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A delicate lilac hue outlined boundaries of horizon in contrast to the peachy glow that stretched far and wide ,painting the white soft tufts of castles in its shade creating a mellow valedictory atmosphere as the sun had finally began its process of decession .A sense of uncensored chill dwelled in the wind while the land cooling down much faster than ever still held on to lingering scent of dying summer .An inadvertent recital resonated as the flocks of chirpy spirits swayed around in the sky in glorious pattern as they march back to their home finally ,after long day of adventure .
Everything seemed so alive and full of life that it was difficult to believe that no sooner ,it will all be dwelled in complete stentorian darkness .
A deep sigh regurgitated ,as Emaan watched the sky and it's inhabitants with lost yet keen eyes .After praying Asr ,everyone tired from the sudden journey ,had fallen asleep but Emaan couldn't or more accurately thoughts that ransacked her brain wouldn't let her .They shackled her as if afraid to unfree her .She quietly ,not wanting to disturb more than she had already done had walked out in the courtyard before moving to settle on the swing ,which Wali loved ardently .
She was in Al Hassam house .After her plea to leave ,Khaled without any question ,thought or wait ,had left for their home along with Laiba and children .As much as his care had sheltered her heart ,it also filled questions of whys and what's ,
Why didnt he ask any question ?
And if he asks what she would say ? Would she able say and how was she suppose to prove her words authenticity ...by medical test that she wasn't touch ....but to think Khaled would have such questions in mind or he must have come across those words ,it filled her with raw ,gnawing pain .
She knew death wasn't the thought one was suppose to have but wouldn't be better if she had died with her parents ,it would be better ,she would have been saved from all these torments ....but she knew even these feeling slash her down ,it was better for her ,she didn't how but Allah knew and that was to suffice her,ease her ....yet the feeling of fingers being raised to one's character ,for the repetitive times ,it didn't let the positive thoughts to survive for long .They tried to breathe but soon were suffocated .
Is this what Aishah RA would have felt when people doubted her chastity ,how much painful it had been for Maryam AS who was slandered and no one by her side except a baby ? Would Yusuf AS have felt same helplessness when trapped in a place where no matter how much one proved their innocence no one believed .
But she was neither of Maryam RA or Aishah R A ,she wasn't even worth the dust of their shoes ,all she knew that their Rab was same ,their Rab Ar Rahman and she wished HE would protect her like them ....
Oh how she wished for some miracle ...
Emaan glanced down as her feet came in contact with fallen leaves ,some partially and some completely dried .She bend over and picked a partially dried leaves and gazing over it , ruminating, was letting go easier or it came with regret of not holding on until the end.Was it painful to see others falling or was it more painful that now it was among the fallen ...
Emaan closed her eyes ,tired and agitated ,wishing everything to numb even if for seconds only or maybe just to have wings like those birds in sky and fly away to some unknown land ,away from any population even though she knew it was selfish but she couldn't do anything about ,even when no one had said something she could only read those emotions in every eyes ,the sign of contempt and disgust over her character, when the sound of footsteps crunching the leaves made her flinch out of her reverie but before she could turn around, exhuming existence with sudden warmth ,she felt a thin shawl wrapped around her collaborated with a deep soothing yet gruff voice ,
"You shouldn't come out without a layer ! Weather is changing !". Khaled came to stand before her ,his eyes still inebriated from the doses of sleep and his hair a bit unruffled and his shirt slightly wrinkled ,but the man still was able to skip many of her beats before they got normal .
"When did you come here ?". Khaled asked rubbing his neck while his eyes trained down on her ,
"And why alone ?".
"Just a while back and you were sleeping so I didn't wanted to disturb you ! But how did you wake up ?".
Khaled shrugged looking around when in reality finding Emaan not beside him ,he had panicked not until he rushing to check washroom ,his eyes had flickered out of the window and there he saw her sitting on the swing .With a deep sigh of relief collaborated with numerous whispers of Alhamdulillah, feeling finally oxygen found its way to his lungs but deducting all the details he reclined on saying ,
"It just happened !".
"Let's go back ! You still feel sleepy !". Emaan began to stand up but Khaled stopped her ,
"Its alright ! Anyways it's soon be time for magrib so let's stay and enjoy the weather !". Khaled passed the smile while looking up at the sky when feeling the eyes of Emaan ,he dropped his gaze down at his sky and seeing her watching him with curiosity and sadness, he tried to joke ,
"What ? Do I have bed hair ?". Khaled moved his hand over his hair .
Her lips curved up before she nodded in negative before she pursing her lips gaze down ,her grip on the shawl tightening ,
"Khaled ?". There was a long pause making him believe she was waiting for his response as he said ,
"Hmm !". This gave her enough courage to glance up at him while saying ,
"Why haven't you asked anything why I asked you to take me away from hospital so suddenly ?".
Khaled stepped closer ,the sounds of crunching leaves echoed before he held the rope of the swing whispering ,
"You were crying and asked me to take you away and so I did ! And even if you weren't shedding those previous tears I would do anything you ask me as long as I could do them ! And about not asking any questions cause I knew it, you won't take such a decision without a reason ,so I will wait until you are ready to tell me that reason !
"What if there is no reason ?". Emaan asked glancing up at him, feeling vulnerable more than the withering carnation at face of swift gale.
"We still be staying here ! Emaan you don't need reasons to come to your home ,right ?". Khaled tapped her nose while she pursed her lips working to hold back her tears and nodded but failing at it ,she looked down while Khaled crouch down in worry ,
"Emaan why are you crying...". Khaled rubbed away her tears making Emaan squint her eyes before she clasped his hand over her cheek and holding it ,she whispered ,
"You believe me ?".
"Woman are you still going to ask me this question ?". Khaled questioned her instead trying to implicate the acute absurdity of her doubts .
"Do you believe me ?". Emaan asked again ,this time more stubbornly .
He sighed and removing the lane created by a drop of tear he asserted ,
"Of course little warrior .I believe you .I always have and will !".
Emaan lowering her gaze squeezed the shawl in her hands stuttered ,
"Then would ...would you still believe me if I say noth..thing nothing happened that day !". Khaled frowned ,
"The..they touc..touched me ....but I promise ...promise Khale......".
"No more Emaan !". Khaled pressed his hands over her's ,his orbs ,resolute ,pained and vulnerable yet his voice firm and rageful.
"Did I ever ask you ? Did I ?".
Emaan digged her face more lower while nodding in negative,
"But ..But everyone at the hospital was saying that it would be shameful for you to spend life with a women like me ...who has been ", Emaan hiccuped ,"I am a slu..."
She couldn't complete when Khaled grabbing her chin made her look at him as he hissed in deathly tone ,
"Tell me who said these things !".His eyes fierce like a beast embarking on the journey not to hunt but pulverise ,his jaws clenched and aura glacially domineering ,that it even sent a chill down her spine .
Blinking down ,Emaan bit her inner cheeks to stop herself from bursting out crying as words and those faces tormented her mind ,but she nodding in negative ,glance up asserting ,
"What will you do ? Beat them up ? But you can't change what they actually feel or think ! It will never change ! And I have realised no matter how much time passes I will always be a foreigner ,I will always be an outcast ,someone who doesn't belong here ,the first to be abandoned .And I know with time ,it will become more hectic and burdensome for you !I don't want be a burden to you! I don't want to cause any more trouble !" Emaan lowered her lashes obscuring her vision of Khaled ,as she added ,
"If you want, I can go back to India!".
"Look at me Emaan !". It was a soft command but she only pulled her head down fearful of his words .
Next moment ,she felt Khaled's fingers embracing her cheeks as they made her face him before he whispered ,
"Do you think I would want that ?". His voice clamoured with painful depths and darkness of ocean ,lonely and scared .
"I don't know ! I just don't want you to hate me or get sick of me ! I don't want that !". Emaan bit her lips ,her words felt like a child who was afraid of abandonment .
It reminded him of ...
Heaving a deep sigh ,Khaled reclined his head on their enjoined hands ,he wanted to be strong for her but he felt most vulnerable,much more than dainty pappus of dandelions as he whispered ,
"What should I do to make you realise the extent of my feelings ? Tell me Emaan ?". Khaled glance up ,his hazel orbs swirling with the softest shade of forest green that infused with purest of gold so immaculately, that Emaan for a second felt lost in them.
"Tell me what should I do to make you believe my words ? I promise I will find each man responsible for this condition of yours and leave them capable of nothing ! Tell me the names of those who said these wretched words and I will make them regret it all their lives .People say I am a genius but I feel like a fool when I see you cry ,when I don't know how to comfort you .I try whatever I can think of but I am obviously failing if you think I can hate you ever or get sick of you Emaan ?". He squeezed her hands as Emaan stared back at him with teary orbs that amalgamated shock and surprise at the subliminal dews shinning in those deep intense forest eyes that created storm inside her,
"Do you know that how idiotic I felt and feel whenever in my every duas I ask to be loved by you more while thinking the Prophets ,companions that I look upto would have ever made such kind of duas, would they have begged for such feelings but I still ask cause that's what I feel ,that's what I want among so many things .I am ready to be a fool and you think I can hate you ? Get sick of you ?Emaan you are not just my soulmate ,you are part of me ,a most beautiful part of me that I could never ever hate !".
"And I will destroy anyone who tries to harm you ,I don't care who they are .If they hurt you ,I swear by Allah I will make their life hell !I will do anything to comfort you ,anything you want .Anything to make you stay by my side ,to keep choosing me over and over again .And you are saying I will ask you to leave ? ". Khaled gulped hard to succumb his frustration .
"Emaan ,you make me pray for Jannah more harder, because with you, I want everything eternal .I don't care what happened that day .All I care is you are here with me .You don't have to give me any proof .I never doubted you ! So please ,take this for absolute certain ,that I am never letting you go .You are stuck with me forever Emaan Feroz Ahmed !".
"What if I end up hurting you ? Then what ?". Emaan asked ,her voice all hoarse and croaky .
"Then I will make you take responsibility for it and use that to make you stay by my side ! So no escaping !". Khaled stated firmly yet the softness in his eyes and little curve held enough warmth more than departing orange globe could secure, that even made the winds embrace those homely feelings .
Emaan bit her lips and kept staring at him before she lunged her arms around Khaled and the action was so sudden and impactful ,that Khaled got disbalanced causing both of them falling down among the regal carpet of fallen leaves .
Khaled loosening his grip on Emaan ,tried to move back to check on her,
"Emaan did you got hurt ? Is your ankle alr...". But instead moving back ,Emaan tighten her grip around him ,confessing in her hoarse voice,
"Jazakillah Khairan for believing me ! For trusting me .I can never thank enough .You don't know how much this means to me Khaled ! But would you always keep trusting me like this ?". Emaan moved back ,directing the question face to face,with such profound innocence and fear ,that made Khaled blink for several seconds before he cupped her face asserting ,
"There is no other option for me!".
Her eyes still drowned in tears that sparkled like constellations against the brown universe that was ethereal concoction of purest honey and darkest chocolate ,yet there held such tender vulnerability and soulful love as if she would believe even he was to eloquent a most absurd lie ,filtering not just Khaled's heartbeats but making even the sky to blush more harder .
But Khaled didnt knew how he was to say that even these confession held massive amount of selfishness .That how he glowed like a saviour in his eyes made him feel guilt cause instead she had been the one saving him .His entire life he had spent restraining his emotions ,burying then deep inside his heart but with Emaan everything had changed .His heart had let go off any restrains and control, all it beated with the desire to have her in his life .He wanted her stay with him forever and if that needed going out of his ways ,embarassing himself and vociferate how vulnerable and madly in love he was ,then he would do that .That's how selfish he was ....
"Even after what others say ...".
"I don't care what other say ! But I will make sure that these others are careful of what they say and think next time ! So tell me their names or I will go after entire hospital staff !".
Emaan nodded in negative fervently before she whispered ,
"No dont ! I was just scared if you thought the same or Amtu ...I didn't wanted you to suffer cause of me ! But I also couldn't bare to be doubted or hated by you ! I was scared that you will leave...."
"Always and forever" ,Khaled interrupted, "Thats what I meant when I said I do .There is no chance or space for me to leaving you Emaan. And being by your side ,that destiny was certified by Allah SWT when HE wrote my name next to yours .How could deny I what my Allah chose for me .How could I ..?".
Emaan felt a tsunami of emotions gush inside her and it felt they will drown her ,and she wasnt afraid even if they did but rather she was shocked about ..
What made him love her so much ?
All her life she had been surrounded by people who had always tarnished her character ,never believed, no matter how much she shouted about her innocence but here he was ,believing her ,trusting her, making even the thorny reality of life a world of dreams ,maybe beyond it .She knew the reality would keep pulling her back but with him she wanted to blind herself with these miraculous wonders, his presence ,his love and care cocooned her .
She couldn't compare herself to Aisha or Maryam or Yusuf AS ,she knew she couldn't reach those miracles but his presence was enough miracle in her life ,maybe he was more than a miracle ,he was HIS mercy .
Overwhelmed by the emotions Emaan moved again to embrace him, when Khaled winced all of sudden making her scoot back mumbling in urgency ,
"What happened ? Was it stitches ?".
Khaled nodded shaking his palm before he slip his had in his pocket to derive out the small sharp shiny object, which pulled Emaan into much shock yet the happiness also found its way eagerly seeing her mother's hijab pin in his hand ,
"Yeah I forgot about this !". Khaled whispered nonchalantly before he smiling passed to Emaan but instead she held his hand asking ,
"How come you have this...?" Her eyes tearing up ,now with happiness .
"I found it !". Khaled shrugged refusing to confess that he had invested his day off in searching for her pin.
"Where ? I thought I had dropped it at Al Firdous " ,She gasped in surprise,"Did you went there to find it ? But it so big ! How ...". Khaled tried to deviate Emaan but she instead gasped again as now her hand rubbed over the fresh bandaid over his palm ,
"When Amtu asked you about this in the car, you said it was caused during operation ! You were lying, right ?". Emaan didn't had to wait for him to answer her question,every puzzle had already solved in her mind as she announced ,
"You got it while searching for the pin !". Her eyes dropped tears over the bandaid which held on so lovingly ,the pin slipping out of the hold and landing on her lap but her attention was only on his hand .
"Whoa this wasn't the reaction I was expecting when I was to give you the pin .That's why I didn't told you !".
"You searched the entire hospital ?". Emaan bit her lips ," You didn't had to ? Nothing in this world I want that comes by hurting you !".She squint her eyes when Khaled ceased the tears to travel down their natural lane .
"It didn't hurt me ! I just followed the actions of my Prophet .He stopped the entire caravan to find mother Aisha RA's necklace then can't I search my wife's beloved pin .Don't you think He will be proud of me ?". Khaled tried to amuse Emaan but she kept staring at his bandaid morose,
"Emaan you make my all effort useless if you gonna weep over it like this !Aren't you happy to have your mother's pin back !".
"I am !But I didn't wanted you to get hurt ..."Emaan sniffed.
"I don't care about the hurt if I get to see you smile .Its my duty to always protect you and everything that is precious to you !".
"That's includes you too !". Emaan sniffed rubbing her nose making it more red .
"That includes me !". Khaled beamed ,the kind of one that could make heart race and wish time to cease ,so one could trap it in the gallery of beautiful memories and Emaan did exactly the same.
When following his action ,she saw him picking the pin from her lap and insert it in her loose hijab that was still wrapped around her head ever since Asr and blooming this beautiful moment ,the words of Allah resonated in the background calling out people for Magrib salah .
Repeating after the words of muezzin ,Khaled and Emaan gazed at the ethereal sky which had turned complete orange as if the fire sparkling in their souls had the entire sky burning which casted such serene shadows on the earth ,that it seemed that the entire world was in love .
"We should get up or otherwise we aren't setting good benchmark for kids by sitting here !". Khaled urged trying to stand up ,
But Emaan held him back saying ,
"Let's keep sitting !". Seeing the taken aback look of Khaled ,Emaan hastily added ,
"Until the adhan.And it's nothing wrong to get a little dirty if it creates a beautiful memory ! Its nothing wrong if kids learn this !".She grinned like a kid ,skipping his several heartbeats without any knowledge.
The way he had been raised ,surrounded by rules and regulations of his mother ,it digged so deeper that he still felt uncomfortable being not prim and proper for not long .It was an unending paradigm he couldn't escape ,no matter how much he tried ,residues of past lingered on like an unbreakable bond ,a deathly habit reminding of memories he wanted to forget and begone. He didn't wanted his children to face the same experiences,to have same memories as him but he himself couldn't meander out of horrid shadows of past .Trapped in the fragile trauma ,that with every effort broke apart slashing more wounds then freedom .
But her words felt like a needed push ,to embrace and enjoying those things he never could ,to step in the light without fearing the shadows that will follow and maybe breathing these moments of not being in shackles of past, cause there was something more beautiful embracing his present ,someone to help him even without enforcing or trying to keep making steps in this untravelled road ,was liberating and peaceful .
"I am telling you first, if Amtu comes ,I am blaming all on you !".Khaled teased .
Seeing her disappointed expressions,Khaled smiled before he dropped a light peck on her hijab as they went back in enjoying the view as the most beautiful words embraced the world .
While the dazzling nature was itself the spectator along with the angels in sky ,watching amidst the chaos of fallen leaves ,there sat two lovers who fell harder and harder with every passing sunset and sunrise .
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Scattered dust particles in air shimmered like atoms of gold on being touched by the warm caress of infant sunrays that strained through the windows blooming a warm glow to the room which still seem intoxicated and ebriated by doses of darkness that had just left a hour ago. Emaan was lying on the bed with her hair spread on the pillow ,sparkled at the soft feathery touches of rays in a much lighter shade of brunette then they seemed mostly .Her face though away from the warm caress ,still had a natural glow except the darkness that eclipsed under her lashes,that still had wetness trapped in it that twinkled surreptitiously.
Khaled sighed ,it was indicative of her struggles and suffering yet he couldn't hold himself from being in awe of her wife who while still shivering from the havoc of her traumas and unending nightmares ,still pursue on praying tahajjud .On standing before her Lord when she couldn't stand properly .
How could she think Allah hated her ?
When he made HIS love in her still like a rock when everything was falling apart !
How could she think ....
Khaled ever slowly moved to rub away the wetness resting under her lashes ,when no sooner Emaan's eyes flutter open making Khaled stop advocating an instant apologetic look on his face as he whispered ,
"I didn't mean to wake you up ?".
Emaan nodding in negative sat up whispering while rubbing her eye ,
"I wasn't asleep !". But noticing the slight quirk on her husband's eyebrow ,she added with a sheepish smile ,
"I was just on the verge of it !".
Smiling at her words ,Khaled caressing her face while rubbing away the wetness around her eyes,insisted ,
"Go back to sleep ! I just came here to see you before leaving !".
A slight frown settled on Emaan's face as she immediately asked,
"You are leaving so early ?".
"Yeah ! I have to go early so that I can come back early . I have shifted most of the surgeries to early mornings so I can come back before evening !". Khaled smiled before patting Emaan's arm he asserted ,
"Now go back to sleep ! You didn't get any last night !".
"So did you !". Emaan lowered her head whispering ,a bit dejected ,"I can sleep during any time of day but what about you ? You are not getting any sleep because of me and my nightmares ! It's unfair ...". Emaan bit her lips ,frustrated at herself for becoming a source of pain to the one who is doing everything to heal her .
"Emaan it's not ..."
"How about we sleep in different rooms ?". Emaan interrupted ,her face a bit less morose hoping the idea could work .
"What ?". Khaled's one word reaction and expression was enough to diffuse any hope of brightness from Emaan's face but before she could address the merits of her idea ,Khaled spoke up ,
"Do you think Emaan if I sleep in another room I would be able to sleep ?Then you are highly mistaken cause I will be more worried like I am when I am in hospital .I need to have you where I can see you ,where I can reach you not where you are far from me .Your absence leaves me restless not your presence Emaan.What should I do to get you explain..." Khaled blow out a breath of frustration before he gazed back asking ,
"Okay tell me if our cases were reverse would you have left me to sleep in other room or what about if one day I start snoring, would you go to another room ?...".
Emaan was left guilty by Khaled's words but his ending words and her over imagination of Khaled's snoring caused a little hint of amusement on her face which Khaled was quick enough to catch but before he could attack her with more guilt ,she saved herself by applying a medical reasoning to justify her,
"Snoring ? That's not good for a cardilogist's reputation!".
A pinching relief had settled on Khaled's core seeing a hint of amusement like the first rays of sun shining on Emaan's face but hearing her reply made him more amused ,it was a bit different and calming altogether,
"Well I also thought you aren't good for my heart ,still I married you and I think it's the best decision ever !". Khaled leaned closer making a light tinch of redness invade Emaan's pale morning face which she tried to simmer down as she push him back accusing ,
"You are comparing me with snoring ?".
"No I didn't ! Did I ? I think what I meant to say is you are precious to my heart !". Khaled tucking away the hair behind her ear, smiled lovingly at her adorable wife who couldn't match his deep gaze, glance down, settling at her hand still slightly touching his shirt's pocket,the previous amusement turning bitter in her mouth ,as sadness eclipsed her face ,as she commented,
"But still I don't want to see you suffer cause of me !". Her hand drifted down but Khaled catched her in his own and squeezing it ,he advocated ,
"You only told me Emaan our relation is not about one lives happily while other suffers .It's about how we both together deal with happiness and sadness as they come in our lives .And who says I am suffering cause of you ,I feel fine when you are fine, so when I take care of you I am basically taking care of myself .So you can say taking care of you is me being selfish !".
Emaan glanced up at Khaled ,her eyes trying to hold on all the love she felt for him ,but it kept increasing every passing minutes ,seconds, moments and it seemed so much that her eyes were ready to spill out all secrets and her smile was so delicate like the dew drops on petals,it wasn't the widest ,but so serene and so breathtaking that Khaled was left stupefied when Emaan trying to hide her flushed state ,stated ,
"You know a girl should never marry a guy with gift of gab.They always end up saying things making the innocent wife speechless !". Emaan pressed her lips,her mouth had uttered a complain yet her orbs blinked only tales of love while reading all the sagas those beautiful eyes reckon his soul down with ,Khaled with a mischievous smirk quipped back ,
"Must be difficult to have such a husband. My sympathies are with the wife !".
Emaan shot him 'are you serious look' while Khaled battling with 'I am damn serious' expression made Emaan highly amused as she looked down and her gaze falling at their hands and eventually on his bandaid making her mumble the next set of words,
"But still please take lot of rest and dont overwork yourself .I know you are good at your work but being good doesn't mean you don't get tired or not allowed to rest. I don't want you to get sick !". Emaan didnt dared to look up ,missing out the effects her mere words had done to Khaled ,he dropping his head slightly to right, asked ,
"Is that an order from my wife ?".
At his words, Emaan biting her inner lips glanced up at him when he added ,
"If it is ,then I never knew orders can be given so sweetly !".
Emaan puffed her cheeks to avoid the shyness creeping inside her as Khaled kept staring at her with those dangerous eyes.Unable to bear it, she whined slightly pushing him away ,
"Mazak na udaye !I said it seriously !". She tried to move her hand back but Khaled catched it before she could do so and caressing it gently ,he whispered ,
"Well to be serious ,I don't mind being sick anymore ....". Khaled smiled ,it was weird that once being sick held hell of a memories that only knew how to burn him more than those rising temperatures ,the scars those memories had left him, it felt could never be overridden but one memory with Emaan had overruled every scar and pain ,as if the hatred those memories were written with ,had perished away before the ink of Emaan's pure love and care,that even made his pain ,a poetry to be narrated to ease his heart.
But having Emaan looking at him with curious expression ,Khaled didn't wanted to walk into lane of past and burden her already devasted heart ,so he ruffling her head whispered ,
"So madam ,should I leave ?". Khaled smiled but instead of reply, he met with a deep silence and before he could articulate anything, he was pulled in much shock as she wrapping her arms round his neck hugged him .
All this while ,Khaled tried his best not to make any unnecessary physical contacts ,and they mostly happened after Emaan waked up from nightmare and even in those moments ,Khaled always seemed careful not to hamper her discomfort as the last thing he wanted was Emaan to be afraid of him ,his touch and his closeness not be the cause of more addition to her fear or trauma he only wanted to be her source of comfort and calmness but for a first , a embrace to be intiated by Emaan and that to not an outcome of overwhelmed emotions or appreciation of his words ,it was random without any reason like a little step in their life where closeness wasn't depended on causes except love , had left him dumbfounded ,happy yet dumbfounded .
"Can I be selfish ?".
Her words brought him out of his reverie ,
"Y..yeah !". He closed his eyes ,embarassed at his nervousness just cause her wife was embracing him and it wasn't, it was first time yet it felt different .
No one could believe this was the all confident Khaled Al Hassam! Lionheart ,! Yeah right !
"Can you come back soon ?". At her words ,Khaled's internal rambling stopped and a smile curved on his lips at his wife innocent request making him sigh and moving his arms round her and finally embracing her tightly he rubbed his head ,somewhat in a whining tone ,
"Now I don't want to go !". He turn his head sideways to look at Emaan while his face still rested on her shoulder .
Emaan smiled softly and her heart melting at his dear husband's cute antics ,a treasure which only she was blessed to relish .Internally whispering words of gratitude yet externally she quipped ,
"That's shocking coming from a die hard workaholic !".
"Well it's after effects of the bad company !". Khaled moved back with deadly smirk which had Emaan's core somersault but holding her outer appearance, she whispered in shock ,
"You are calling me bad company ?".
"Well I didn't take anybody's name !". Khaled shrugged nonchalantly, trying to press his amusement while Emaan staring at him with squinted eyes eventually looked away ,when she heard,
"So izazat hai jane ki ?".
A smile curved on her face and seeing how Khaled was enjoying it ,Emaan knew Khaled somewhat was aware of how much fascinated she was by his Urdu and it turning out to be her weakness .Trying her best yet failing to hold her amused expressions she just reclined on nodding ,when Khaled turned his face sideways asking ,
"Should I really go ?".
And Emaan still failing at her attempt to control her petulant smile bit her lips and nodded which failed more hearing Khaled again ,
"Really ?".
Emaan nodded,this time no control over her smile.
"Such heartless people !".
"It's the aftereffect of bad company !". Shocked at Emaan's instant reply ,Khaled stared in disbelief asking ,
"You are calling me bad company ?".
"Well I didn't take anybody's name !". Emaan shrugged nonchalantly and this was enough for Khaled to burst out chuckling and Emaan was left in trance and a slow lazy enchanting smile stretched on her lips and eyes still lingering on the pieces of pain ,but seeing him laugh ,she just recognised the way to move on .
The trauma never becomes past ,it always stays behind the wall one builds to protect or strength gains with time yet trauma keeps looking for a crack ,a weakness to smash inside and pulverise everything one had build and suffocating yet not killing .But seeing the smile of your loved ones ,one who stayed by your side and especially being the reason behind their happy emotion despite what one felt inside ,that's how you moved on ,by making other feel happiness one eventually find their long lost happiness .And moving on becomes less difficult if not easy .
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A rush of crowd filled the spaces of auditorium as Khaled stood before the stage facing everyone before stemming down the curiosity over their sudden summon,he stated,his voice ,cold ,rough and menacing ,
"I thought I had made myself quite clear that if anybody had anything to say or ask about my marriage with Emaan ,then address me but my politeness didn't serve you all well as I don't know who or whom went ahead and tried to hurt my wife with your disgusting thoughts .Is this how you treat and behave with your colleague ,an abd of Allah ?What do you think will be your answer to Allah for the hurt you have caused her ?". Khaled clenched his jaw in utter distaste before he asserted again,this time chillness of his tone had intensified like never before ,
"But I am not here to lecture you ,Rab is enough to judge but that won't mean I am leaving things as it is .I never cared what you think about me or what you do but if you gonna be behind my wife's suffering ,know that I will become a source of your every suffering ! You stamped disgusting slanders , you proclaim she enticed me into marriage ,what do you think I am a kid and for your kind information it was me who fell for her first ..."
Sidra clutch Hamza's hand in pure excitement while Hamza also blinked at Khaled ,all proud and impressed .
"I proposed her to marrige not once but twice and if you think it was she who lured me into this and I was this gullible then why none of you couldn't succeed !". Khaled's bitter gaze stilled on Myza before shifting away when he heard Urwa ,
"You are being personal and insulting Dr Khaled !".
"It was you all who started this by going after my wife ! So I am just giving back what I receive ! And know this I always have a habit of giving more than I receive ,so beware cause the day I get to know who are behind this ,is the day you will start regretting why you were born !".A shivering silence engulfed the hall as everyone looked shocked and petrified .
"Dr Khaled we never met Dr Emaan ! We don't know what happened ?". One of the doctor confessed eagerly .
"If that is that ,then you don't need to worry.But if it is not ,then believe me ,you got everything to be worried about ! And I am sure you will all relay the message to the ones who couldn't come here! ". Khaled giving one final look ,stride out of auditorium as the crowd knife out the way of exit for him.
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Khaled clamping the knob turned it as slowly as he could while entering his dark bedroom .The last case he had been working on had prolonged due to his criticality .He had informed about him being late and the footnote that always followed this protocol was no one was to wait up for him , especially Emaan ,cause in the past period of time ,Laiba and children had been used to his work schedule but Emaan was new and finding her waiting for him just settled various feelings inside him ,happiness yet it most profoundly dominated by feeling of not wanting to be a burden,not wanting to see her suffer cause of him .
He lightly stepped inside ,locking the door with the back of his hand ,his eyes still trying to re-adjust to the darkness of the room when he heard a mellow whisper ,
"Khaled ?".
With a frown ,Khaled turned in urgency seeing the silhouette of Emaan sitting on the bed .Switching on the light ,he traced his steps towards her while Emaan pinched her eyes closed at the sudden intrusion of luminosity before she fluttered them open feeling his hand over her knees ,his voice calm and low pitched ,
"What happened Emaan ?".
Afraid that he would read through his condition ,which she didn't wanted ,she was tired of showing him how broken she was ,he didn't wanted to think of her hopeless ,she didn't wanted him to suffer anymore ,picking her pieces ,it was her job ,Emaan avoiding to meet his eyes , thrusting her fisted hands onto the bed to hide their shivering ,she tried to coax a smile,
"You are quite late ? Did you had dinner ?". Her voice wasn't quivering ,she was grateful of it ,but she didn't knew how much she could hold on as she added ,her eyes still neglecting to meet his ,
"You freshen up while I'll warm up the food for you !". With a prayer that her legs won't betray her ,she attempted to stand up but defeating every effort ,Khaled pressed his hand harder on her knees as he asserted ,
"Emaan look at me !". It only made her lower her head more biting her cheeks as she feared if she raised her gaze up to him , her tears will have no restrain but when she felt Khaled's hands cupping her face and his thumb resting on cheeks brushing away the wetness ,made her realise her face was already drenched in tears and this time when she heard him ,his voice like hush whisper ,calm yet pleading with panic ,
"Emaan !". She finally lifted her gaze to meet his ,and it felt something twisted inside her making it difficult to hold the dam aggressive to unleash ,she biting her cheek tried to assure ,
"Nothing ! It..Its just nothing ! Don't worry !You...you should sleep .Its late !".
Feeling thousand nails punctured in his heart ,Khaled gulping down the lump forming in his throat ,brisk away the tears from her cheeks before leaning her head on his forehead ,his scent filling the gush of warmth, securing in reducing down the strangles of suffocation ,as he whispered ,
"Do you think I can sleep after seeing you like this ?".His breath stroking her face as gently as his fingers on her soft plum cheeks ,
"You need to realise this Emaan it was not your fault ! It never was !".
Biting her lips too hard ,to control the rising whimpers ,Emaan whispered ,
"I am trying ! I don't want to think ! I don't ...! But it won't stop Khaled ! It won't stop !".
Tell me ! What should I do ? I don't want to feel like this ! I don't want to be like this before you or Amtu or anyone ..!.
Her eyes glisten with emotions of unsaid words that clogged down her throat before she gazed down trying her best to hold herself from crumbling .Piercing her fist harder into the bed and gulping the lumps that burned through their way down finally giving the leverage for her to render what broke ,smashed and crushed her heart ,
"...You know I couldn't believe when Dr Isa told me he was the one ! I would have believed it was all a lie if he would have said so ...but he didn't ! I couldn't believe that ..that behind Yamama's death ,Maryam losing her mother ,Dr Duraid , each and every catastrophe ,it was him behind it all.I felt angry at him ,sheer hatred that he was the one cause of whom I was there among those grotesque existence.But then he saved me knowing well it would be end of everything ...everything he had done all this for will be ruined but ..but he saved me still .I didnt knew what was I suppose to think ? To recline back on part that trusted him ,believed him or to be disgusted by everything he had done ? Should I still cherish every moment but how when that every moment was followed with question that was it all a facade ,a fake show ?". Emaan moved to brush off the tears but Khaled beat her to it as he caress them with soft strokes ,his actions blasting wonders of warmth inside her rib cage .
"...But you know what he said when I asked him was it all a lie and he said it wasn't .And despite that anger ,hatred ,betrayal ,I felt happy. I wanted him to live .Maybe for all selfish reasons .But I wanted him to live ,to repent but then I left him with those men thinking he will be save ... only if I had stayed behind !" Khaled tried to negate her words but Emaan didn't let him as she added ,
"But when I see Maryam and thinking how much my baby lost in that one incident ,her mother ,her hearing abilities and thinking that how many times she might struggle cause of it in future or when I remember about Yamama and her broken parents or Dr Duraid and so many other people who lost so many people ,I can't help but feel this bitterness inside me .And sometimes I feel maybe it was because of this ,maybe my thought to save him was fake ,maybe it just I ran away from their knowing well he was so ready to die for my sake ! I could have saved him but I couldn't ! I don't ...". Emaan hiccuped and words dying against the heaviness of emotions ,helpless and suffocated, she moved to hide her face into her palms but Khaled didn't let her as he making her look at him , asserted ,
"Why are you blaming yourself so much Emaan ? Why are you being hard on yourself over things which is out of your control ? Feeling anger , disappointment was normal reaction ,anyone would have felt the same but you know what most wouldn't have done is despite feeling everything, they wouldn't have tried to save him like you did ,wanting him to live like you did .This feeling you feel is an outright assurance that your thought of saving him wasn't fake ! If it wasn't real you wouldn't have cared .And Emaan ,being an informer was his choice and wanting to save your life was also Dr Isa's choice .He couldn't save his sons ,his wife from those men but he wanted to save you ,the one he thought of as her daughter .He had so many regrets but he didn't wanted to die with a regret of not being able to save you. He was the one who messaged me about your location !". Emaan stared wide eyed ,shock written all over her face slowly melting in miserable gratitude while Khaled smiled stroking her face ,
"Do you think you are honouring his choice by thinking yourself as the one who caused his death ? Him wanting to protect you was his choice as a father ,he died living upto his words ,he wanted to correct the wrong but if you feel so miserable then doesn't everything he tried to amend is futile .He did that not cause he wanted to see his daughter like this but he wanted you to be protected and save .He wanted to live for you ,right ? But he also couldn't bear to see you hurt and so couldn't any of the people you loved and lost .They all loved you ,cherished you, so do you think they will be happy if they saw you being so harsh to yourself ,thinking you are the cause they left ! They will never want you to suffer but to realise you are suffering cause of them wouldn't that be painful to them ? ".Khaled moved his fingers caressing her jaw ,
"I am sure they wouldn't want that ! They will want you to be happy and live your life to the best so that when you meet them you got loads of beautiful memories to narrate them .And don't you think it's unfair that you mourn over who are gone while who are with you now, pine for your attention and love ..."
At his words ,floodgates of guilt unleashed themselves as Emaan wide eyed glanced up at him before an apologetic look conquering over expressions ,she whispered ,
"I ..I am sorry ! I ...".
"Sshh.. !"Khaled hushed her as he held her arm while the other one still resting on her cheeks as he stated ,
"I didn't said it for you to apologise .Its just a selfish husband asking for his wife's attention !".
Emaan bit her lips ,her eyes swirling with unshed tears as she sniffed when Khaled asserted ,
"This doesn't mean that you go on feeling guilty and thinking you are not a good wife just like you have been thinking you are not a good abdi or daughter .Emaan don't pass judgement on yourself cause only Allah is allowed to do that .HE is the only Al ADL .So no matter how strong or weak we are ,how many sins add on our books or good deeds we do ,we can't accurately ascertain we are good or bad in the eyes of Allah .We can't decide who is more closer to Allah or more beloved just cause of things we have or not ,what we lose or gain .It will only be revealed when all our deeds will be laid out before us with no curtain or veil yet until that happens what is expected by our Rab for us to do ,is keep making effort to be good ,no matter how small that step or effort ,the basic is to keep trying to get closer to HIM ,to keep hoping in HIS mercy while leaving the judgement only to HIM !"
Emaan stared back at Khaled ,her orbs twirled with unrestrained admiration ,as if he was the shade of respite shielding her from the scorching rays that bruised and blemished her existence with burns and pain and filling the craters of scars with love and care .And her deep gaze aided her realising the sudden change in his expression ,sense of lost as if his mind was overtaken by invasion so strong ,that rocked him inside more than ever .Emaan lifted her hand up to his jaw and cupping his face as his beard tickle the softness of her palm ,reviving back Khaled's attention as he noticing the sense of apprehension glimmering in her orbs ,and the shiver of her hands that she had been hiding behind her fists .He grasping her hand over his cheek moved to hold her other fisted hand pressed down on the bed and as he held them together he realised how rigorously they were shivering, Emaan tried to fist them but Khaled didn't let her as he asked ,
"Do you think Emaan you can walk ?".
Seeing her nod despite the confusion on her face ,Khaled instead of replying reached for the soft cotton blanket from the bed and coming back to Emaan he held her hand urging her to step down while still bewildered and amidst asking questions she followed his instructions .Tugging out her slippers near her foot ,he helped her to wear them before pulling her out with him .
Finally ,both her confusion and their succinct excursion ended as they step outside on the vast terrace that was dwelled in dainty darkness as the moon was no where in sight on the sky , grey wispy clouds patched up the charcoal carpet while floating around against the hush cold whispers of gale ,like in search of the lunar queen by following the trails of the scattered simmering tiny gift of its pure light twinkling timidly against the dark hemisphere .
A faint chill crawl through her body at the contact of winds that held the letters of the upcoming freezing season yet despite their sharpness , all her senses felt free and less burdened ,as if breathing finally felt relaxing not over burdening .A breezy crisp smell stinged her olfactory nerves ,as if departing heat was exhuming the farewell tales to its surrounding when grasping her attention ,Khaled pulling her closer by her shoulders , wrapped both of them in cotton blanket before easily and softly plummeted both of them down on the patio of the steps that welcomed the terrace .
"Wha..what ?". Emaan turned her head while trying to move out but Khaled relented down her effort as he tightened his hold around her stomach and pulling closer to him that her back touched his chest ,he tugged the blanket tighter with one hand from one side while saying ,
"Winds are a bit too chilly .So this is the best way to stay warm and save you from getting cold !".
This time ,Emaan turned around a bit ,letting his grip to loosen and straddle to her back ,much relief to Emaan who was little paranoid over Khaled realising the havoc his mere nearness had over her through her thundering heartbeats . Pulling the slipping end of blanket on her side ,Emaan asked,
"But why have we come here in this late hour when you should be resting ?".
Khaled moving his hand over hers to hold over the blanket and covering them properly replied ,his gaze much softer than winds stroking her face ,
"When coming back I had liked the atmosphere and sky .And had wished I could see it with you .So right now, I am fulfilling that wish !". Khaled ended with an obnoxious smile but noticing Emaan's keen and studying stare on his face ,he quirk his brow making her come out of her reverie and with a slight tint resting on her face ,she shaking her head turn back gazing at the sky as the winds brushed invisible strokes on the canvas called earth .A balming calmness embraced them ,except the beats of hearts, that Emaan could hear plummeting inside her cage and strangely the same rhythm she felt at her back .Their hearts were parallel to eachother yet unlike the infamous fact of coplanar infinite straight lines,these parallel hearts do more than meeting, they were tangled and synching in such coordinated rhythm ,that could put even Mozart in awe and spellbound .
Breathing in ,Emaan trying to ignore the situations of her fluttering organ ,focussed on her ruminating one ,as she asked the question that had been howling inside her since very long ,
"Khaled ,did you ," Emaan paused and turn her head to side ," Did you told everyone about Dr Isa being ...being the informer ?".
Khaled sighed before nodding in negative making Emaan whisper ask ,
"Then what did you say ...?".
With succinct yet clear words ,Khaled explained everything to Emaan ,letting her lost in some thoughts before she shifted a bit and glancing back at him ,
" Can I ask you a question ?".
"You never need to ask permission ,Qalb !" Khaled tapped her temple with his forehead making her squint her eyes as his breath kissed her face gently before moving back he added ,
"Just ask !".
Her lips curved a little and she gulped hoping her voice won't squeak out the realities of her heart owning to it being extremely aware of their closeness ,
"Have you really forgiven Dr Isa ?".
Khaled licked his chapped lips before looking away and his gaze seeking in the view as much as darkness didnt blurred it out for the laymen eyes ,he confessed ,
"I wouldn't be honest if I say I did .There still a part of me just like you that rages thinking about everything .Everytime the reality keeps reminding me Dr Duraid is no more it's gets even more harder to forgive him but... ", Khaled tore his gaze back to her,
"Its also cause of him you are here before me .Just the fact he tried to save you is enough to calm down all those feelings of anger and animosity.Gives me courage to forgive him .So maybe I am not there yet but one day in sha Allah I think I could say I have forgiven him completely !". Khaled passed a small smile.
"Allah love those who forgive but HE also gives courage to those he loves ,the strength to forgive as the heart that is beloved to Allah ,HE doesn't likes it to be burden with painful emotions .And heart like yours is surely precious to Allah so I am sure Allah will give you strength to forgive ...". Emaan smiled and Khaled seemed in trance before coughing slightly as he avoiding to meet her eyes made her look straight .
"Yeah sure !Now enjoy the weather .!". He scratched his eyebrow while perturbed by his abrupt action Emaan tried to gaze back but Khaled immediately made her look straight saying ,
"You keep making the blanket fall by turning back !".
But didn't the blanket fall cause you pulled your hand to rub your eyebrows .
Emaan pursued her lips to stop herself from spluttering out her thoughts while Khaled internally groaning at his innate incapability of dealing with praises which turned a far worse battle when compliment was from Emaan .It left him flustered and vulnerable and it's weird how much effect she had on him with mere words .
He was the one to make her fluster and flushed but he ended up himself being all that .
When zoning out of his thought ,he felt Emaan touching his forefinger or more accurately she was tapping on them as if doing adhkar over them .Khaled leaned closer to have a proper look at her face and at his movement,Emaan glanced at him and the shy smile crowning her lips beautifully with exquisite spark twinkle in her eyes plundered so many unknown colonies of his heart while naming them her's forever . It seemed everything had stilled where even clouds looked like held on to their breaths deserting their seek of the moon of the sky ,all enthralled and entranced by the heavenly pearl that glimmered in the boundaries of the precious lover,who held the offer of a universe in his hazel orbs that could put all majestic galaxies to utter shame.
Breaking their eye contact ,Emaan a bit flushed and flustered ,looked ahead while reading adhkar on his all fingers as now her one hand held on to one side of blanket while reading dhikr with one on his free hand as his other hand busy in holding other side of blanket .
It never seemed that just gazing a night view ,so simple and so veiled by darkness could be so serene and flowering with innate happiness .Caged in his arms, cocooned her in aroma of homeliness and his calm beats soothing down his racing heartbeats to some extent .There was peace ,warmth and unspoken love .
When sensing his breath fanning near her neck thundered back her calming heartbeats, destroying her every serenity and coolness as she felt Khaled's face resting down on her shoulder .She with bouncing breath glanced right to find Khaled sleeping .An instant smile crooked over her lips before she stroked his head lightly calling out his name ,her voice dripped in sweetest nectar ,
"Khaled !". At this ,Khaled only snuggled closer to her and goosebumps invaded all over body and she knew she could no more blame it on the touches of wind .Shifting a bit ,she clasped his face ,her palm resting over his cheek and jaw while other reclined on his shoulder for support.Finally feeling like able to breathe ,she made her face him ,his eyes still close as she tried to wake him up ,
"Khaled don't sleep here ! You will get back ache! Khaled !". Emaan stretched his name in a whiny tone while her fingers softly caressed over his cheek .She couldn't pat him ,what if he might say she was trying to slap him ..
When she noticed Khaled finally squinting his eyes open ,making her urge again,
"Khaled let's go back to the room then you can sleep there comfortably!".
"If you gonna touch me like this ,then neither of us will get any sleep !". Khaled murmur moving back while rubbing his neck .
"What ?". Emaan frowned .
"What ?". Khaled blinked his eyes .
"Did you said something ?".
"Did I ?". Khaled removed his hand from his neck, with a cool smirk playing on his lips .
Emaan with a complaining eyes moved away when she again reiterated ,
"Let's go back !". But this time when her eyes lifted to his ,her core somersaulted ,seeing those half droopy ,half drunk eyes staring deep down at her.The darkness was hiding all the shades of hazel ,only blackness raided yet intensity was so sharp and lethal that it pierced down every shadows and reached directly to her heart ,accelerating her heartbeat to highest submit when she heard him ,his voice more huskier ,giving birth to many dormant butterflies inside her .
"Can I confess something Emaan ?".
All spellbounded and speechless ,Emaan only managed to nod when feeling the tug at the back of her waist ,reducing the distance between them ,his warm breath creating so many havoc ,that she couldn't understand how even normal process called breathing or blinking was supposed to be performed ,and it only became more wrecking when she felt him nearing ,her hands scrunching into a fist and eyes fluttering slowly when the breath brushing over lips slipped across and moved near her jaw and neck as Khaled whisper ,
You are the best human pillow ever !".Emaan who had stop blinking ,blinked several times before realisation finally dawned upon her ,making her push him away with her lips pressed together curbing a irritated smile and her eyes holding amused complaints .
"What ? Were you waiting for some another confession ?". Khaled leaned in but Emaan pushed him away again while huffing ,
"No I wasn't !". Standing up ,she tried to pull up the blanket ,but no where behind, Khaled stood up draping the cotton blanket around him like a shawl as he inched closer asking,
"Are you sure ?".
Huffing ,Emaan looking up at him with complaining gaze,asserted firmly ,
"Ten thousand percent sure !".And moved to rush away but an involuntary curve stretched on her lips when her ears prevailed upon his glorious chuckles ,
A sound that accelerated her heartbeats in mere seconds .A sound that was one of her most favourite ,one she could never have enough and never be enough grateful of .
Her very own serene cadence .
___________________________________
Bismillah
Struggles in life breaks us in so many ways and repeated number of times but healing become easier only when one remembers and continues to believe in the mercy of Allah ardently and you will eventually realise how in the form of someone or your own strength ,HE will repair your breakage with golden linning creating you a masterpiece you never knew you could ever be .And the secret ingredients are sabr ,salah and emaan and you will see how beautiful your scars will turn out to be .HE is Al Musawwir .HE created us from nothing,then how could HE not fashion us in something ethereal from our beautiful broken pieces .Always remember ...Who broke you have limited strength but who heals you has no match !
This is what I wanted to propagate but since chapter was getting longer I had to divide it and I thought maybe the chapter couldn't relate well with title due to dissection, that's why this ending note was added ...so if something breaks you ,then there is always something to heal you ...no matter damage is from past or recent present ....
Dedicating this chapter to a lovely soul silverduchess
Before you leave please do recite , Ayatul kursi ! atleast once .
Do remember me and entire ummah in your precious duas .
Please pray extra duas for our brothers and sisters in Palestine .
Assalamualaikum warahmatulalhi wabarakatuhu🍁