The poppy flower.
It's associated with death, depression and anxiety because of The easily crushed petals of the short-lived plant, weak, but pretty.
Jisung's pov.
I don't need an alarm, not when I don't have curtains to hide the sun rays from occupying my eyes, "okay okay I'm awake, no need to blind me!" I murmured under my breath.
Sleeping at 3am and waking up with the sun at 6am is one of the things I never got used to, my body and eyes still fight for more sleep that won't come.
I decided to not waste any time on trying to get back to sleep when I know it's useless so instead I got up from my bed straight to the bathroom to wash of my body, and the memory, after last night's shift.
The water was cold and slow, but it was there so I'm thankful, I moved around so the water would cover all my body and wash away the sweat, no idea if it's mine or not and the thought made me want to wash it away faster, harsher.
I finally stepped out of the shower, only because the water stopped coming, I didn't bother drying off my body since the rays of the visitor in my room would probably work it's magic.
I picked a simple white shirt and the not-bought-with-cut ripped jeans, the only thing I own that covers enough skin, good enough for picking up breakfast.
At this hour I know no one would be waiting under my building so I quickly made my way downstairs and walked to the closest cafe that doesn't sell expired food, which is 15 minutes away from my building since I live in a horrible neighborhood.
"Hey, " someone stopped me in the street, I looked behind me to find an old lady with a small child that can't be older than 5 holding her hands, "I'm sorry to bother you, but have you seen money on the floor anywhere here?"
Just answer and move on Jisung, they don't know who you are, they aren't giving you any attention, they're not looking at you.
I repeated in my brain over and over again before I finally answered, "no I'm sorry," as the words left my mouth the young boy started crying, "grandma I'm hungry I don't want to ask more people," tears were covering his cheeks and the old lady blushed in embarrassment, "please calm down, we have to find our money to eat,"
I have the thought already, just breathe and do it.
1
2
3
"Here, you can go eat now." I pushed the money in her hand and quickly ran away back to where I came from, after a minute of running I had to stop, my body is already exhausted from the lack of food, sleep and dehydration.
I was able to make it back in my room before anyone arrived at my building.
1. Shower. Check
2. Breakfast. Cancelled
I mentally recalled my to do list in my brain
3. Get ready.
I sighed to myself as I made my way to the bag that holds all my work clothes, I was given a specific outfit for today since it's a special occasion, if anything it shows more skin than a normal outfit.
Rip it and run.
I picked it up and removed the ugly clothes from my body to put the other beautiful pieces on. I hate it.
It's already 9am Which means I'll have 30 minutes to arrive at the base where I and many others will be taken to the building that holds the event.
I quickly threw my long coat over my body in an attempt to cover it as much as I could, but It still didn't make me feel less pathetic and disgusting.
I stepped on the same leaves from yesterday as I walked to the base that's down the street. "Where did you get that coat?" One of the teen boys asked, I wonder why they made him do this so early, he's still young.
I want to help him, I need to stop them!
"I stole it," I lied instead, I of course didn't, I've stolen enough things in my life before they switched my job, I can't do it again it'll kill me. "Lucky," he murmured before leaving to join the rest of the boys his age.
I'd call them his friends, but I'm sure they're not, we don't make friends here, we're only made to make money.
Everyone is too pissed off to be friendly.
" Han, in the back." A strong rough voice said from behind me, I didn't turn, knowing what I'll see will only scare me.
I'm walking to the back of the bus that's going to take us to the event, slowly, observing my surroundings, none of the other people there look happy about going, which is understandable they think it's a normal day out in another club, they've never been to this part of the city before.
From what I learned, only me and 3 more were kidnapped, the rest of the team, if that's what we're going to call them, were given by their families or orphans that lived on the streets before they were collected by the base owners, for them, this was rescuing.
I still remember the three kidnapped children, I still remember their death and their blood that dried in the same ground I'm standing on right now.
I swallowed trying to shake the idea from my brain as I took a seat at the back of the bus.
The bus looked as old as the base building, barely holding itself together, nothing about it says it's safe to be in, but we all still are, hoping we'll make it there before the bus give up.
Part of me hopes the opposite.
The drive wasn't long but it's the longest we've had, I was able to tell when we entered the city that holds our destination in one of its streets it also holds your home. The buildings looked different, the streets had less homeless people, it was just as beautiful as my memory of it.
"We're 5 minutes away from the building, do not steal anything and do not talk to people if it's not necessary." The same man that gives us the instructions every time said. No one replied, no one ever did.
As told, the bus stopped 5 minutes later in front of a really tall beautiful building, you can't tell what's being held inside the building but there it's just going to be a type of art, or so I hoped, cause maybe then I won't feel as unworthy as I always do.
We were led inside by the base owners after they faked a nice show in front of the guards who somehow let us in.
The air-conditioned atmosphere quickly took control of my body cells making it shiver, I'm particularly naked under the light coat I could barely afford.
"Team base. Is that correct?" A teenage girl with a dark red shirt and jeans asked the owners, "yes that's us," I could see the judging looks the girl gave all of us, I don't blame her.
"That's great, unfortunately tho you won't be able to stay during the event as you came already dressed in your outfits so I'll lead you backstage," she didn't know it's the only clothes we had, she probably never will.
Backstage was as small as I thought it would be making all eleven of us squeeze between each other.
More sweat to wash, another not mine added.
Our show was meant to be at the end of the event, but given the current situation they decided to change the plans to make everyone at the beginning.
Everyone but me of course.
I always have a solo stage. They say I'm talented, I hate it, and I hate that I know they're right.
They decided while everyone was going to be the opening act, I on the other hand will be the closing one.
"Hey, you're J. ONE right?" The same girl from earlier asked, "that's correct." I didn't look her in the eye knowing I'll despite whatever I see in them.
"You don't have to stay here the whole time, your coat should be covering enough, you can enjoy the event until it's time for your performance." I looked at the owners that were standing in a not so far distance from me, "you can go," one of them said with a fake smile but before I did I was pulled back with a hand, " you're only going to not raise suspicion, if you tried anything you know how it will end." He whispered in my ears.
I just nodded and left from the same door the girl passed from just seconds ago.
I took a deep breath and kept my head low as I walked to the end of the large room, I needed the windows more than anything this event has, I need to look outside at what I once was.
I was just three steps away from the window when I suddenly felt dizzy and had to lean on the table to steady myself, wrong move.
Worst move.
I accidentally knocked over a small bottle making it fall and shatter on the ground, quickly enough three men rushed to where I was.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing!" One of them shouted, the sound instantly filled my brain and made my whole body shake, the voice sounded so delicate, so not meant for yelling and that made me shudder even more.
"I- I'm s- so sorry, I didn't mean to, I swear!" I apologized over and over again but I couldn't hear my own voice, "okay okay stop!" Another man said with a strong voice but less angry. " tell us what happened." The third man ordered, I knew he's not the same person from his voice because until now my eyes didn't leave the floor.
"I- I g-got really dizzy suddenly, a-and I-." I was cut off by the first man, "this is bullshit do you really think we'll believe someone like you!" The words did more damage than he probably meant to, I wouldn't believe me either.
I'm a liar, a thief, a horrible person who sells his body everyday.
"I really didn't mean to," my voice sounded foreign to my ears, I haven't sounded this scared and weak in so long. "I think he's telling the truth Minho, it's okay he broke the same one I use, I have an extra bottle in my car."
"It's not about that Chan! It's about these fucking people! Who thought it was a good idea to bring this type of dancers to the event!" The same guy shouted again.
"I really apologize, I actually agree with you this is not where we should be, I was just trying to make my way to the window," I had realized what event this is once I dropped the bottle and the strong smell filled the atmosphere, we definitely don't belong here.
"Don't worry about it we understand now, enjoy the event and don't drop more bottles please," the third guy, I guess his name is Chan said before leaving probably to get the extra bottle.
"I don't want to see your shadow near the tables." The first guy, Minho hissed and left as well, I finished the three steps to the window and leaned against it for support as I was still feeling dizzy.
I stayed there the whole event, away from the tables like I was told, but more importantly away from the attention and closer to where I wish I was, outside.
Unfortunately, the same teenage girl approached me way earlier than I wished. "It's time." She said and I followed her backstage, as away as possible from the tables.
I dropped my coat in one of the chairs backstage, and followed her instructions to get on the stage.
You're covered.
They can't see your body.
They can't see you.
You're not Jisung, you're J.One.
I told myself like I did everytime with no use, I know the other dancers already set the expectations for me so I don't have to worry about surprising them with the concept.
Before I stepped into the stage I realized something.
This is not a club, I don't need to show my skin to get paid, they don't want this type of dancers.
I rushed back and snatched my coat before anyone could stop me.
I put it on and walked back to the stage with more confident and started singing first to catch their attention.
I didn't look for reactions, I don't need any, I just need this.
A stage.
With my clothes on.
I was singing the wrong song, this one was more quite, more delicate, as delicate as his voice.
Part of me was thinking it's an apology to the man, Minho.
The other part was busy kicking the tears out of my system.
I sang, I danced and finally I rap. Then I left the stage without waiting for people to throw their money at me.
It felt too powerful, my face is still wet with tears but I didn't care, it was the night I always wished I had.
"You're lucky we're already paid or I would have ended your life for doing this." An owner barked at me but I didn't care, I just sped up my steps to the bus so we can leave.
That night I slept with no money for tomorrow's breakfast, but I slept more peacefully than I ever had.
4. Be you. Check.
I added to my mental to do list before drifting to sleep with one thought swimming in my head.
I saw myself today.